Baby Girl story #2

Tuesday afternoon I got a call, " You have to talk to your daughter, she got in trouble at school"

" Uh-oh", I said, " what did she do ?"

" She made some girl cry, by saying something to her."

" What did she say ?" I asked.

" She told the girl, 'you legs are as hairy as a bunny'."

After I got done laughing, I asked to talk to Baby Girl. She didn't want to talk to me, but finally I got her on the phone and simply explained that while what she said may have been true, she should apologize for hurting the firls feelings.

All was well until I got home and found out the real reason why she didn't want to talk to me on the phone earlier. It turns out that she didn't tell the girl 'your legs are as hairy as a bunny". What she acutally said to the girl, and the entire class is...

"Your legs are as hairy as my Dad's belly."

Thanks kid.

baby girl story #1

I pick up the youngest girl first and then we drive over to another school the pick up Hot Gril and The Boy.

When we get to school #2 I try to make a game of it. Baby Girl and I walk in on the sidewalk on either all cracks or no cracks, and when we get inside we walk on either all light squares or all dark squares. Baby Girl takes great pride in being the one who chooses what we do each day.

We got out of the van and she declared " ALL CRACKS " and we carefully traced a path along the cracks, down the side walk, and towards the front door.

We reached the front door at around the same time as an black woman who there to pick up her kids. I broke ranks and politely opened the door to let the woman in. Baby Girl was concentrating so hard on staying on the cracks didn't notice the woman and as she got to the door almost bumped into her.

Baby Girl startled, looked up at the woman, then looked up at me and emphaticly declared, " WHITES ONLY DADDY ! WHITES ONLY !"

I saw the woman pause and her face drop. Then she quickly started hustling into the building.

I acted as quickly as I could, " YES BABY GIRL ! GOOD IDEA STEP ONLY UPON THE SQUARES THAT ARE WHITE IN COLOR.....not, of course, that there's anything wrong with the brown squares...they're just as....ahh...yeah, that's it good job."

Thankfully, the woman gave me a knowing smile and we went on our ways.

Wonder where I've been ?

Oh Me Oh My Oh Monday

So, what's be going on you ask ?

Well on Saturday I saw monkeys riding dogs and herding rams. And sadly that's not a euphamism for something more exciting.

Say hello to Team Ghost Riders



They were the halftime show at the Farm Show Rodeo that I took my kids to. Both the Farm Show and the Rodeo are a good time. If there really is a thing such as All-American fun, then that might be as close as you can get. The downside, everything worn smells remarkably and almost permanently like the ass of a cow.

The weekend ? Friday: talked and drank, Saturday: Farm Show sausage then cards and drank, Sunday: Watched football and drank. I've concluded that I do a good job of not letting all those other activities interfere with the drinking.

I'm in a weight loss contest now for the last two weeks and I've only gained 2 lbs. I haven't completely connected the dots, but I'm starting to suspect this paragraph and the one above it are somehow related.

On Friday I was in a local pub and saw someone who looked remarkably like Sez walk past and go into the bathroom. Brentz, Grib and I followed the guy in. I took place at the stall next to him and tried to assertain if it was him or not when Grib threw caution to the wind.

" WE GOT YOU SURROUNDED !!!! HANDS UP MOTHERFUCKER !!!", Grib had his hands like a gun and kept poking Sez's elbow while he pissed, " I SAID HANDS UP !!!"

Thank goodness it was Sez.

As funny as that might have been, it was the guy washing his hands at the sink running out of the room in terror that caused Mr. Brentz to laugh so hard he threw up in his mouth a little.

Sez might now be incontnent.

Washington

Washington

http://www.poetv.com/video.php?vid=15035

In the inbox - glad to know I'm not alone

Flick,

So this morning I had to walk a few blocks from my office to get my glasses repaired. Luckily it was nice and sunny so I could wear my prescription sunglasses. On the way I stopped at Square One and got coffee for the walk and wait. This being a business day I have a suit and tie on with a white shirt.

I walked into the second floor small waiting room that the Optometrist has and gave my frames and lenses to the receptionist/Certified Repair "Technician" and sat down. Now in my glassless state (the office was way too dark for the sunglasses) I note that there is an old "cracked or whacked out guy" sitting a couple of chairs away from me with an old army fatique jacket and a baseball hat. Across the room sitting is the poster boy for the stereotypical gang member; about 250 pounds, baggy jeans, untied high top basketball shoes, huge white T Shirt and lots of bling.

The Glass Repair Specialist left the room for "her lab". I leaned back and started working on my coffee. A couple minutes later while trying to see how much of the eye chart I can actually see without my glasses, I note that bling boy is staring at me, but not making eye contact. I go back to the coffee and my glassless, unfocused haze. Now I note that crackhead has awakened and I think I catch HIM staring at me and then he looks at bling boy. They both shrug and roll their eyes. I am not pissed yet, but I am getting there. So a few minutes later I look at crackhead and he is definetly staring at me, but like at my stomach, I switch my gaze to bling boy who is staring near my belt buckle. Okay now not only am I pissed, I am a little creeped out. So I look bling boy right in the eye and say "is there a problem?" He tips his 270 degree baseball cap a little forward and says "DUDE" and nods toward my lap. I look down and now note that my POS coffee lid has apparently been leaking each time I take a sip. My tie is soaked and an ever widening brown stain is growing on my white monogrammed Lands End shirt. Just about then the Optometrist comes to get crack-whackhead, who gets up to follow him, but before he goes takes one look back and shakes his head and says "DUDE".

The "technician/Certified Glass Repair Specialist"/receptionist walks back in and hands me my glasses. I don't even put them on I just get up button my jacket and walk out - truly A CLASS ACT. I was pretty sure it wasn't going to be a great day.

Dang

I have a few things that I want to write, but ever time I start to write all that goes through my head is...

BOOBS !

BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS

So the other BOOBS I ran into BOOBS and we went over to the BOOBS to check out the BOOBS.

See what I mean ?

Damn, I hope this.... BOOBS!....passes soon.

BOOBS !

Arden

So the boy was excited to go to his cub scout thing last night.

From the time I picked him up at school and all through dinner all he kept talking about was "Arden" this and "Arden" that.

"Arden is so much fun"

"Arden is the coolest"

"I really like Arden"

So when I took him to the cub scout meeting I had to find out who this supposedly wicked cool guy Arden was.

I got there, listened to the introductions, and quickly found out who Arden was...

O-U-R D-E-N

Stupid cub scout talk.

This note to Fry says it all

.....I locked myself in the basement with the kids, a giant bag of Christmas candy, and all their new toys. When the smoke cleared, I was the second the the last one standing. The last one standing was doing so on my throat.

Good times.
.....

HCwDB has their end of year awards up. A must see.


.....

Catching up, just like the rest of you. More in a day or two.

Merry Christmas

Beginning Tonight at 8 pm TBS is running 24 hours of A Christmas Story.

Go ahead and watch it, I tripple dog dare ya !

I wish everyone a safe and Merry Christmas.

please please please watch this

I'm so dead

You remember that rap song from the 80's
"The Freaks Come Out At Night" - by Houdini



We'll for reasons even I don't understand I decided to teach my kids the song but I changed the words to " The Poops Come Out Your Butt".

And now they wont stop singing it.

I got a feeling the next time I hear this song it will be in divorce court.

eeeennnnn !

One time I went to visit some friends at their college. They were having a party and excited to introduce me to some new friends.

The party got going and I met one girl who was pretty interesting. She was cute and a bit of a smart ass, which is always a deadly combination. We hit it off and I were having a nice conversation when right in the middle of it she said

EEEENNNNNNNNNN !

She didn't scream it or anything, but right at the end of a sentence she punctuated with a noticeable but firm ...eeeeennnnnnnnnn. Then she kept right on talking as if nothing happened.

A few minutes later, same thing. She's yapping then all of a sudden, EEEEEEENNNNNN.

This time it was loud enough that in that small room is was clearly noticable to everyone standing around. Stunned, I looked around and no one reacted. Everyone just kept talking and drinking beers and going on business as usual.

WTF....I figured maybe this was some sort of local expression. Like a Deleware version of "fuhget-aboutit" or a twist on Fonzies legendary "AYYYY!".

So to try and fit in with the locals, a couple of minutes later after I finished a joke I was telling with "...holy water ? I better gargle with it....

............EEEEEENNNNNNNNNNN !"

And with my last noise the whole room stopped what they were doing and stared at me.

My two friends, pie-eye, started jumping around behind the girl giving me the 'cut-it-out' signs.

I thought maybe I had said it wrong somehow so I started to make another attempt,

" eeeeeennnnnn ?" I looked at the girl quizzingly and hopeful. Behind her my friends just shook their heads.

I gave it one last gasp, " ee-EE-ee ?"

She walked away.



Yeah.



Turrets.

I wish I could grow a white beard

DANBURY, Conn. - Santa Claus says that a woman who sat on his lap was naughty, not nice. A Santa at the Danbury Fair mall said the woman groped him.

"The security officer at the mall said Santa Claus has been sexually assaulted," police Detective Lt. Thomas Michael said of the complaint.

Sandrama Lamy, 33, of Danbury, was charged with sexual assault and breach of peace in the weekend incident. She was released on a promise to appear in court on Jan. 3.

Police quickly found and identified Lamy because the woman was described as being on crutches, said Capt. Bob Myles.

A call seeking comment from Lamy was answered by a recording Tuesday morning. A woman later called back and said: "It's a false report and I don't have any idea."

Police did not give the name of the disconcerted Santa, but they said he is 65 and felt badly because children were waiting to see him. "He was apparently shocked and embarrassed by the whole incident," Myles said.

A man who teaches hundreds of prospective Santas a year — "Santa Tim" Connaghan, president of RealSantas.com — said he's never heard of a similar incident, though it's not unusual for adults to want to pose with Santa.

"I've had some very nice ladies sit on my lap," said Connaghan, who did not train the Danbury Fair Santa. "Once in a while they'll say 'I hope Mrs. Claus isn't going to be upset.' You have to be discreet and kind and say 'Oh no, she'll be OK. You can sit here, but only for one photo.'"

More my speed

Last week i tried football.

This week I got a taste of something a little more my speed...Mountain Bike Polo.

It starts out, like any good athletic contest, with a warm up. In this case...



Before too long you're doing this...



Which naturally leads to some of this....



Which brings you around full circle to...



I think I might start training for the Olympic Team.

Cycling personna

Yes, consider me Flick's anti-cycling persona. I'm one of the little voices in his head that will call you a douchebag if you warrant it, something the real Flick couldn't do or didn't want do, so don't be a douchebag...ie. Don't be taking a piss at the start line right before a race (that's why promoters get porto-johns)

Michael Ball gets the award for world's smallest penis.

The Doctor is IN !

I'd like to welcome Dr. Flick Jones to the blog.

Dr. Jones will be handling Friday's installment of FlickLives for now on.

Flick Bathroom Reader

Last year I sent out a few copies of the Flick Lives Bathroom Reader.

I've recently received a couple of requests (God knows why) for a 2007 version with updated stories.

If you're interested in a copy you can drop me a note at flicklivesblog@gmail.com and I'll email you a copy. Be sure to let me know if you'd prefer the file in MS Word or PDF formats.

Man up

Yesterday was boys day.

I took the boy to his Cub Scout meeting and we built birdhouses. In some instances birdHOUSE is a bit of a stretch. They were more like bird shanties for homeless glue sniffing, paint huffing birds. But there nothing wrong with affordable housing.

Then we came home to a girl free house and got our "man" on.

I grabbed a couple of caffine free sodas and we busted out the darts. After that came x-box motocross, a game of cards, and a belching contest.

In the 70's came bowling, golf in the 80's, bass fishing in the 90's, and poker for the last half dozen years. Whatever leisure activity captivates American couch potatos of the next decade, I'm doing what I can to assure that my boy is on the cutting edge. I'm grooming the Tiger Woods of rec rooms.

After the boy went to bed, I settled in on the couch and had a glass of 16 year old scotch that had recently been given to me as a present. One glass, nice and slow with my feet up and my ass nessled in on a warm couch...a nice relaxing reward for a day well done.

Some days its really nice to come in and have nothing interesting to write about.

glug glug

Last night my youngest daughter spilled a large, full glass of water directly into the keyboard of my laptop and I learned two things.

#1 - you can't wring out a laptop

#2 - When properly motivated, my daughter has matrix like capabilities.