Sledding

The recent weather has been unusual. The snow, sleet rain, snow and refreeze has left the ground a solid block of ice. I'm 215 lbs and I can stand on the snow drift in my front yard, jump up and down, and not make a dent. While all of this has been terrible for shoveling and driving, it has made for some amazing sledding.

Across the street from my house is a big hill overlooking Meadows Edge's eponymous meadow. The land has been recently sold, but so popular is the sledding site that the agreement of sale was contingent on the new owners allowing local kids to continue sledding there. With the frozen conditions and with the face of the hill facing into the prevailing westerly wind, the sledding hill has become, at the least a luge run and more likely one of those thinks that the ski jumpers go down.

Anyway we went over there and had a fantastic time. Mrs. Flick always gives me the requisite warning, " be careful that the kids don't go near the pond", and I gave her the requisite rolling of the eyes. The pond is a good 500 yards from the top of the hill and probably 100-150 yards from the bottom. Kids sledding with boggie boards coated with Crisco baking grease down get within 50 of the pond, so my kids on their $8 plastic sled have nothing to worry about.....or so I thought.

When we first got there two teenage kids were getting ready for a run. One was on one of those hard shelled saucers and the other was digging in to push him like a bobsledder. Off they went. The kid PUSHING slid to the bottom of the hill on his belly. The kid on the saucer became a dot on the horizon. He went to the bottom...across the meadow....and not only to the pond, but PAST the pond and into the next farm field. He went at least a half mile !!!! At least !!!

I turned everyone around and went home for helmets.

Anyway, we went back to the hill and had a great time of it.

After a while the kids started getting tired and cold and we decided that they'd have a final run. I put them all into one sled and sent them down like a giant human cannonball.

I should mention at this point that one of the drawbacks to the situation was that as fun as it was to go down the hill, it was equally as difficult to get back up the hill. Many times the kids would make it half way up only to lose their footing and go sliding all the way back down or they'd lose grip on the sled and it would fly off into the distance. The only hope of getting up the slope was to act like a mountain climber...some kids had hacked holes into the ice at intervals and you could use the crags in the ice like a rock climber and make your way up.

After this final run my kids were trying to make their way up to me and not having any luck. At least one of them was falling down half way up and usually taking the rest down with them. It was turning into human bowling.

Finally I yelled down to them to go over to the big tree next to the road and that I'd come down to them and we could take the road back home. I picked up the camera, their two sleds, and whatever discarded helmets, hats and gloves were around and started to walk down/across the face of the hill to meet them. This turned out to be treacherous. After nearly falling off a few times I figured " screw it" and that the most reasonable thing to would be just to sled down to where they were. I dropped one of the sleds and plopped down in it. I put my feet down to control my speed, I only had to go about half-way down...and off I went.

Well HOLY POOP !...I immediately started going about 100 times faster than I thought I was going to go. I tried to dig my heels in...NOTHING ! I was actually starting to pick up speed. Panicked I reached out ahead with my free hand and tried to dig in into the solid ice face...nothing ! Then it happened....

My left hand which was at the end of my fully extended left arm went into one of the footholds that the kids dug into the ice. The full weight and momentum of my body went smashing into the last three fingers on my left hand. All I could see was a white flash as severe pain screamed up my left side. I believe I broke the ring finger and cannot get my wedding ring on it at all. The other two fingers are swollen and I can't bend them the whole way to make a fist.

The other effect of the impact on my hand was to change my trajectory. Instead of heading down the hill, I was kicked at a 45 degree angle...right at the kids. I was about to slam into my entire brood of children and we were all going to be spending the rest of the evening in the emergency room.

I've mentioned before that 'The Boy' might be the slowest kid I've ever seen. His feet are gigantic and he runs like he's wearing flippers. The kid might have some talents, but he isn't going to win any footraces. The Boy looked up to see me coming down the hill....I had my left arm straight out and an obtuse angle, my right arm was held high above me wielding a sled, a camera, and two helmets , and I was screaming a death wail while writhing and wriggling like an epileptic on fire...his eyes got big as saucers and The Boy made a run for the road with a burst of speed that was as impressive as it was unexpected.

I had just the briefest of moments to notice his burst of speed, before I took notice of the tree that he had been standing in front of. The tree that I was definitely going to hit. I rolled over and bailed out of the sled. That did nothing. I splayed myself out and readied for the impact. The sled hit the tree first and by the grace of God that helped made the difference. I hit the sled, which buckled under my weight, but helped absorb some of the impact. Also, instead of breaking a limb, I hit the trunk of the tree with my midsection. Luckily I didn't break a rib, but I did knock all the wind out of me with a mighty " URRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH".

I laid there for a few minutes with all the kids gathered around me saying stuff like, " I think your Dad is dead" and " That was totally cool, do it again, do it again.". After a little while I got myself together, set about gathering up all my things which were scattered around the hillside like wreckage from a plane crash, and took the kids home for some hot cocoa.

We're going back a little later today if anyone is interested in joining us.

The Greatest Moment in WWF History

Two guys at the bar

At pub poker on friday there were two very friendly, very likable, and very large guys playing at my table.

Charlie was the smaller of the two weighing in at, I'd guess, 265...maybe 5'9". Matt was much larger...maybe 6 feet and hell, I dunno, 350 ?!?!.

Anyway, they whole time they're playing they're both talking about how hungry they are and what they're going to order from the bar. Frankly, I think they both busted out, if not on purpose, then as a result of their hunger.

So both guys bust out then saddle up to the bar and order dinner.

A little while later I went up to get a beer and walked into this conversation.

Matt: We're going to have to get out of here and get something to eat.

Charlie: Just be patient, the food will be here soon. Relax.

Matt: No, I don't mean leave here without our food...I mean this isn't going to be enough food. We gotta leave here and get some more food after this.

Charlie: You're insane.

It was then I realized that all their talk about food was making me really hungry. Then Matt pulled out the big guns.

Matt: Hey man, I'm not just talkin about food. I'm talkin about Taco Bell. Taaaacccoooo Beeeeellllllll.

I coudn't take it anymore and injected myself into the conversation, " Damn ! That DOES sound good"

Matt: See ! Even this guy thinks so. Whatya say ?

Charlie( sternly with his arms crossed): I'm not going to Taco Bell

Matt: Come on man ?

Me: Mmmm, tacos.....burritos....CHIMMYCHANGA !?!?

Matt: YEAH !!!!

Charlie: I'm not going to fucking Taco Bell

Matt: Come on man.....wheres the Charie I know ?....where's my pal ?....where's Charlie ? ....what have you done with him....I know he's in there....come on out Charile....stop hiding....chimmychanga...come on out Charlie...come on out and play

Charlie: Ok ok....( sheepish grin breaking out across his face) fuck it, let's do it.

Matt: THATS WHAT IM TALKIN ABOUT !!!!

Lovin Spoonful

While drinking beers and shooting darts, the writer of doucheblogcycling posed this question, " Which would you rather watch, a WNBA playoff game or the NFL Pro Bowl ?". Now thats a hell of a question. That's the type of stuff Socrates would have come up with if he had been a sports fan...or a drunkard.

I spend a good portion of this mornings constitution trying to figure out if the group Lovin Spoonful got their name from a drug reference or a sex reference. I may have been wrong on both events according to this .

On Saturday I figured I'd give exercising another try and headed to the gym for a little run on the treadmill. I brought my earphones and was able to listen to the television programs that they had on the numerous televisions set up throughout the gym. I hate to run, but two of the channels were news programs covering both the Palastinian/Isreali situation at The Mount this weekend as well as an interesting piece on Iran, so I really got into the news and the time flew along.

Right at the end of my run, the news switched to the lighter side of things and they started talking about Valentines Day. The NewsBabe started telling the NewsDude about how she was looking forward to Valentines day because she had such a great marriage. She then started going on and on about the secrets as to why she had such a special marriage. I can't wait until the sex tapes of her husband in a three way wtih a playboy playmate and a cocker spaniel hit the internet. Anyway, on the heels of the serious and sad subject matter they had just covered, her enthusiasm for her husband and her marriage came across as smarmy, arrogant, and, frankly, contrived.

My reaction to this was typically expressive. I rolled my eyes, started making the jerking-off gesture with my hand, and made a rasberry/farty noise with my tongue

"ptttthuk-ptttthuk-ptttthuk".

It then occured to me that not everyone was watching what I was watching or listening to what I was listening to or hand any frame of reference to what I was doing or why....especially the cute woman jogging shoulder to shoulder with me on the adjoining treadmill. I did a quick assessment and realized that since she was right next to me, it was unlikely that she could see what I had done with me hand...whew. Uh-oh..that might be worse....if she heard the farty noise without the other stuff she might think that I actually...oh-no...passed gas right there on the treadmill. Nah, she didn't hear anything...everything is cool...I'm just bring paranoid...

Then she stopped, turned off the treadmill, and without giving me a glance quickly gathered up her stuff and walked off.

Stay warm this weekend

Name Change

You'll ofter run into a foreigner ( has that term been deemed inappropriate yet ?)...anyway " a person of alternate origin" and you'll introduce yourself and the person will say, " Hi, I'm Ernie Fanutzamuha". Now you KNOW the dude's names isn't Ernie...and if you look into it you'll find out that his name is really Ensahunamrkinya or some unpronouncable shit like that.

I say...whatever...I'll happily give the dudes name a shot if he wants to tell it to me...but I can also appreciate the dude not wanting every conversation to start awkwardly with some douchebag cracker butchering his name over and over..." Uh, nice to meet you Ensa...Ensa...Ensahun...nice to meet you sir."

I went through a similar thing with a Leboneese friend I invited over to my poker game. His name is Maher and the conversation went like this:

" Hi, I'm Maher"

" Nice to meet you Maher"

" No...it's Maher"

" Yeah...Maher. No ?"

"No ! Ma-Her"

" Ma-Her"

"no...Maaaaaaa-Heeeer"

urrrrgh " Maaaaaa-Heeeer ?"

" No, nevermind"

" Ok fair enough....I see you've brought your friend, what's his name"

" Oh, this is Maher"

" Oh...same name as you !"

" What ? What are you talking about....I am Maher...he is Maher...how is this the same?"

So fuck him. He's now " Buddy" and his partner is " Captain"..or occassionally "Pal".

Anyway, I mention this because I got a storm water report today from a guy. He's a foreign national. And instead of him involking the opportunity to Americanize his name he stood true to his family heritage. His report way proudly signed:

"Yong Fook Ho"

Extended weekend, from hell

Friday night I tripped and fell into a bottle of vodka.

I had seen a television program where a brewer or whatever the hell they call a dude who makes spirits said that premium vodka, super filtered and distilled, is so pure that it minimizes your chances for a hangover. He also said that despite that, if you drank enough of it that you'd still get sick.

I can attest to the fact that he's right on at least the second part.

Saturday was a wash. Other then repeated trips to McDonalds, I don't remember much.

I'm up to 215 lbs.

Superbowl Sunday I spent at the local fire hall in a poker tournament. Actually two poker tournaments. I finished 2nd and 1st....and I second hand smoked 3 packs of cigarettes. I think my real advantage was being the only one there who's blood alcohol level was lower than Rex Grossman's QB rating.

All I can say is thank God that there weren't any fires in the Boro Sunday night.

Yesterday was spent cleaning up vomit. But for once it wasn't my own.

Yes, I know, I live the life of a prince. Someone should do a reality TV show of my life. They could just film for a couple of days and then just run it as an endless loop...all they'd really need to do is have some special effects guys add 2 lbs a month to my character.

very sleepy this morning..because

Winner winner chicken dinner !!!

home today

Great weekend for me, but not for the kids.

Home sick looking after them.

Will write more when all the barf buckets are emptied.

caught red handed

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) -- Mayor Gavin Newsom apologized Thursday for having a sexual relationship with his former campaign manager's wife.

"I'm deeply sorry," Newsom said during a brief news conference at City Hall the day after the aide resigned. Newsom appeared poised but visibly emotional. He spoke for about a minute and left without taking questions.

--------------

I like how he doesn't expand on what he's sorry about. If he's getting emotional about it I suspect he's mostly sorry he wont be hitting that any more.


While lamenting the fact that I can no longer play online poker, I started considering all the other things that, as a "free" person in America that I'm unable to do...which got me thinking about some basic TRUTHS that we can all agree on but that remain fucked up. I really don't want to turn this into a rant, but how is it possible that everyone agrees that these things are fucked up, but nothing EVER gets done about them ?

1) INCOME TAX - the format is fucked, the rate is fucked, the process is fucked. There's not a person on the planet who doesn't think that the entire process is a complete and total cluster-fuck. How retarded is it that a normal, intelligent person, with an average source of income has to go to a professional to ensure that they are not violating the law. Did you read about the poor fucker who won the space ride...absurd.

I don't know what the answer is, but I suspect a flat tax is a step in the right direction. It seems to me the the current system exists to confuse people into realizing that they're being ripped off and that we are on the verge of turning into a socialist state. I say, set a flat tax, you pay that portion of your income, and that's it. And I'd say cap that shit at like 25%...theres no way that you should have to give up any more than 25% of what you earn...I mean religous titheing is only 10% and thats for God !

2) This is for Pennsylvania....How is it possible that I cannot go into a grocery store and buy a bottle of wine or a case of beer !?!?!?! I have to go to a STATE OWNED STORE to buy a bottle of wine ?!?! Why ? I'm not grown up enough to be able to have access to wine ? Fucking retarded up and down. And an unfair fucking monopoly. Then they pass a law that if you live on the border of the state...it's against the law to buy shit and bring it into the state !

PS there's a 25% TAX on all alcohol in the state. Your 6 pack just went from $6 to $7.50. That seems fair.

3) College Football playoff system - I mean come on....this is so obvious its just retarded that its not done already.

There's plenty of other stuff that I think is fairly obvious, but I understand that there are a fair number of kooks who will disagree because they're irrational, ignorant, and fearful...so we can leave legalized gambling, legalized pot, and getting the state out of the marriage business for another day.

Anyone wanna go to Md on Sat. ?

I gotta see this.

http://www.marylandnighthawks.com/

A new breed of scrabble

Since the demise of online poker I've found myself with large amounts of time on my hands.

Most of that time has been rerouted in very productive ways; I've been getting stuff done around the house, I'm spending a lot more time with the kids, hell I started exercising a little.

But sometimes I just want to sit there and veg.

I can't take the reality TV stuff, so that's not really an option. So what I've done is started playing online scrabble. Yeah...scrabble.

I'm sure this will come as great amusement to the regular readers who know I might be the most atroci...atroshou... terrible speller this side of the Susquehanna. Thankfully for me they have two types of games:
* The first type is the challenge game. You lose 20 points and a turn if you spell a word wrong and its challenged and you get to challenge other words. I think I'm the lowest ranked "English as a first language" player on the site. Every time I challenge they have some crazy ass real word...and you can imagine that a fair number of my words get tossed out.
* In the other version if you spell a word wrong the computer tells you that you have an illegal word and provides you with another chance. In this version I'm doing quite well. And it seems as if the game is steadily improving my spelling. For instance 'suede' is now part of my lexicon...as is 'lexicon'.

But my favorite part of the game is the fact that I think I've tapped into the last corner of the internet that hasn't been tainted or embittered by trolls, pricks, or bastards. Its a community of polite, pleasant, courteous players. This is the absolute opposite of online poker. Most are middle aged or older women and for many of the folks this is their social outlet.

And before you think I've gotten soft...or that my heart has been warmed by finding goodness in a wasteland of evil...I want to reassure you that my newfound joy is far more nefarious than that. I see the situation more like a gigantic landscape of new fallen snow that I now get to track the first footprints through.

Yesterday I lost two games from running out of time because I was too busy telling people how I way trying to get high by sniffing purple magic markers. I may have also mentioned that I was trying to get high because I really wanted to pleasure myself, but that I found me repulsive. I had all the blue hairs in a tizzy.

I'm setting the over/under for me getting kicked off at 9:43 pm tonight.

The trouble is

The trouble is that too many people I know read this thing.

I'd love to write about knocking my kids tooth out the other night. Or I'd love to write about how I tripped and fell into a case of Dogfishhead IPA 90 and that the only cure was to eat and entire pizza by myself. Or about a dozen other things...all of which would continue to have people at parties point at me and stare. I had a woman at a poker game the other night introduce herself by saying, "Please don't yell at me". Yell at her ??? I'm like the nicest guy you'll ever meet.

My gawd, you attack one guy with a snow shovel and all of a sudden you have a reputation !

ANYWAY.

I almost had an amazing moment yesterday. I almost got an entire dump in without someone running into the bathroom to ask me a question. Sadly, just before I reached for the toilet paper the youngest one burst throught the door.

" WHAT !?" , I yelled in my typically understanding style.

" I....ahhhhh.....ummmmm..", then she just stood there staring at me.

And then she ran off.

So the streak stays alive at 2 years, 3 months, and 11 days.


And if you've never heard Tuff_Fish then you've never experience the joy of defeatism:

Game ON

After the success of the first attempt, I'm bringing back the All Male Olympics...aka..the O-Him-Pics.

Dude the the inherantly sexist nature of the title, and due to the expressed interest from a number of woman wanting to participate, we are changing the title of the competition.

I welcome all suggestions for a catchy name for the contest.

Anyway...March 10th it's going down.

The contest is going to consist of

9 holes of golf ( weather permitting)
Darts - baseball format
Pool - 8 ball
bowling - one game
Basketball - foul shot contest
Poker - NL texas Holdem ( 1000 starting chips, plus whatever you earn throughout the day)

Once again, contestants can earn additional points for beers consumed.

The reigning winner in Marty F. who came into the final event with a chip deficit but used his card playing experience and moderate sobriety to outlast the other competitors.

I currently hold the points record, but that's vulnerable and Ron has the beer drinking point record which many consider to be untouchable at 210 points ( 21 drinks).

Anyone interested in participating should contact me as spot are limited. We could also use someone to drive the van.

Theoretically

Suppose a guy was up playing online poker and accidentally drank an entire bottle of wine. Then, for the sake of discussion, lets say that this guy had to pee really badly…with great urgency…but was sitting at the final table with the blinds at…say….500/1000 or something like that. If that guy decided to void his bladder into the empty water bottle rather than get up from the poker table and lose his blinds…would you say that guy had a gambling problem, a drinking problem or a bladder control problem ? Theoretically.

wha ?

DALLAS (AP) - Authorities at Tarleton State University said they plan to investigate a Martin Luther King Jr. Day party that mocked black stereotypes by featuring fried chicken, malt liquor and faux gang apparel.

...

Photographs posted on social networking Web site Facebook.com showed partygoers wearing Afro wigs and fake gold and silver teeth. One photo showed students "mocking how African-Americans do step shows," Elder said. In another picture, a student is dressed as Aunt Jemima and carries a gun.

I...ahhhh...nevermind...
-------------------------------------------------

Thought for the day "Funk is soul music with a boner"

Thought for today II " The age at which 24 year old guys start calling you 'sir' is the same age at which 24 year old chicks start calling you 'old and creepy' "

and yes, I just made both of those up.

Oopsy

E. Howard Hunt died today. He partnered with G. Gordon Liddy to screw up the Watergate break-in. E. Howard...G. Gordon...whatever happened to just using your first name ?

Anyway, E. Howard had two major jobs during his tenure at the CIA...Watergate and the Bay of Pigs. That's not a very good batting percentage.

He was accused of being involved with the Kennedy assasination, but his best defense was, " I couldn't have done that one, it actually worked."

But out of respect for the dead, I offer up an overview of his life

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/E._Howard_Hunt

urigro

really

i remember when I used to party like this

MINNEAPOLIS - A man crashed through a double-paned window in a hotel on Saturday and plummeted 16 floors — but survived when he was caught by a roof overhang.

Joshua S. Hanson, 29, of Blair, Wis., was taken to a hospital. Police and fire officials said he had multiple broken bones and internal injuries.

The man must have "an angel on his shoulder or something," said police Lt. Dale Barsness. "He's a lucky guy."

According to a police report, Hanson and two friends returned from a night of drinking at about 1:30 a.m Saturday. When the elevator reached the 17th floor, Hanson ran down a short hallway toward a floor-to-ceiling window, Barsness said.

He apparently lost his balance and crashed through the glass, then fell 300 feet, landing on the roof overhang one floor up from the street.

The window was double-paned and had a safety bar, said Tom Mason, general manager of the Hyatt.

Police said Hanson was conscious and communicating when he was taken off the overhang.

"This has never happened before," said Mason, who added that hotel officials will investigate and take whatever steps to ensure the hotel's safety.

The Day The Music Died

Netteller Gone.

I'm busy try to sort it all out.

Now I know how the crackheads feel.

Edited

Previous post has been de-"Samuel Jackson"ed down to a PG rating.

Lets Get It On

I must have listened to Marvin sing this song 100,000 times.

But I just realized what's happnin here. Marvin is the master.

He must have gone through women like other people go through air.

I can se Marvin about 19 years old, with some girl, on her Mamma couch. She's putting up a little resistance and Marvin laying this rap on her. Pushing the limit, pushing...then backing off a little...then hitting it again...

Pure genius.

" Hey baby....



I've been really tryin', baby
Tryin' to hold back this feeling for so long
And if you feel like I feel, baby
Then, c'mon, oh, c'mon
Let's get it on
Ah, baby, let's get it on
Let's love, baby
Let's get it on, sugar
Let's get it on
We're all sensitive people
With so much to give
Understand me, sugar
Since we've to be here
Let's live
I love you
There's nothing wrong with me
Loving you, baby no no
And giving yourself to me can never be wrong
If the love is true
Don't you know how sweet and wonderful life can be
I'm asking you baby to get it on with me
I ain't gonna worry
I ain't gonna push, won't push you baby
So c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, baby
Stop beatin' 'round the bush
Let's get it on
Let's get it on
You know what I'm talkin' 'bout
C'mon, baby
Let your love come out
If you believe in love
Let's get it on
Let's get it on, baby
This minute, oh yeah
Let's get it on
Please, let's get it on
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, baby
Stop beatin' 'round the bush
Oh, gonna get it on
Threaten' you, baby
I wanna get it on
You don't have to worry that it's wrong
If the spirit moves ya
Let me groove ya good
Let your come down
Oh, get it on
C'mon, baby
Do you know the meaning?
I've been sanctified
Girl, you give me good feeling

Screw Ferris Bueller

Yesterday was MY day.

I just took a day off yesterday. No reason, no notice, just decided...fuck it...I'm taking a day off.

And it was good.

Got some good coffee, spent some rare time with Mrs. Flick ( with no children around !!!), played a little online poker, went to the gym and hooped it up..

Then I came home and made myself a cheesesteak sandwich with
* cheese whiz
* steak sauce
* and a toasted bun with fresh roasted garlic

It may have been the greatest steak sandwich in the history of Chez Flick.

Then I basked in the afterglow of the sandwich for about 20 minutes.

By then it was only 2:00.

Played with the kids, hung with a friend, had a few beers, went to bed.

Caught a little of it on video...enjoy



I'm going to handle retirement just fine.

double dribble ? Get outta here !

90 minute I.P. Ass

I special ordered a case of Dogfishhead 90 minute IPA .

Yummy stuff. 9% alcohol, 300 calories per serving. It's the beer equivalent of doing a shot and eating a candy bar.

The last thing I remember with any clarity is saying to Ron, " OK....how about just one more round ?"

I'm so hungover and puffy this morning that I literally could NOT get my wedding ring on.

To make matters worse, I woke to this...

Mrs. Flick: You need to talk to the children.

Me: urgh

Mrs. Flick: The older ones were teasing the little one again last night and I heard a bunch of screaming.

Me: urgh

Mrs. Flick: When I walked in the room Hot Gril and The Boy were up on the to of the computer desk, screaming, and cowering in the corner, and defending themselves with pillows.

Me: urgh ?

Mrs. Flick: Because the 4 year old had a pair of scissors and was trying to 'shiv' them

Me: URGH !

Mrs: Flick: Well ? Are you going to address this ?

Me: KIDS !!!!! Stop teasing your little sister or she's going to cut you !

Mrs. Flick: You know you really are useless.

well no shit Sherlock

"Where mistakes have been made, the responsibility rests with me," Bush said.

I've never understood this modern phenomena of "accepting responsibility" as being absolution. I mean saying that you 'accept responsibility' but then don't actually suffer any consequences for your action is just about the definition of a hollow promise.

" Yeah, I fucked your sister when you were away with the kids at your mother's house....but you know what...I'm going to take ownership for that...I'm going to accept responsibility"....try selling that shit in the real world...the only thing you'll be accepting is a knife in your eye while you're sleeping.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I don't have a solution...and yeah, the Democrats are a giant bunch of douchebags....all that is a given. But forgive me for being a bit put-out for having to watch the President act like a fourth grader with a bad report card saying, " I'm sorry Mommy, I'll try harder this marking period"...all the while 23 year old kids are having their arms and legs blow off.

Yeah, we're spreading freedom and democracy....too bad it's first vestiges have come in the form of a kangaroo court leading to a 1800's style lynching of the dude who's crime was killing radicals to ensure the general safety and security of Iraq. Fuck hanging him, we should have given him a spot on the new commission announced last night.

Ok, you put up with just about enough of that. Here's some hot chicks:
( Ladies, In the spirit of equal time I was going to post a picture of some hot guys, but the first thing that turned up on my google search involved multiple penises and after I got done scrubbing my eyes with a brillo pad I just sort of lost interest)

kid poker

So the kids want to learn how to play poker.

" No" I told them, " that would be wrong."

So I taught them rummy, I taught them war, I taught them slap jack.

" These games suck", the boy said, " I want the poker."

" When do we use the chips ?" Hot Gril asked.

So after much badgering I figured I'd show them a game or two...I mean what could be the harm.

We started with the basics and I showed them "what beats what" first excluding the mention of flushes and straights and then added them in. We played 5 card stud, double draw. And I gave them each a dozen chips.

I thought my moral dilemma was going to be whether or not I should teach them to play. That turned out to be the least of my worries.

My real problem was that I was getting sick cards. I mean SICK ! I was getting dealt trips and two pair almost every time. If I needed an inside straight... POW I'd hit my 4 outter. I was killing the game !

All those hours online without shit, all those live games with bad beats, all those inside straight and flush draws that I blank out on...and here, with my 8 and 6 year old kids I suddenly turn into a card rack.

What's a brother to do ? I mean I could take a dive and make them excited to be winners. I could bring some joy to a child's life....but really, would that be the right thing to do ?

I mean wouldn't that be giving them false hope ? Wouldn't that be giving them a skewed perspective on the game....ON LIFE ? I mean they're already being set up with Stan Claus and the tooth fairy.

Plus, i mean really, IT'S A FULL HOUSE ! I can't lay down a full house.

I figured I'd settle for some middle ground and decided not to check raise the little scions.

The girl lasted longest. And she went down with a fight.

The boy cried when I busted him...jacks and 3s over 8's and 4's. CRIED ! OVER A CARD GAME !

Like father, like son.

Getting served

My server is overloaded like an Indonesian ferry boat.

Spending the entire day deleting stuff that I know people will eventually need. Hopefully my liver will fail before they find out and start yelling.

No one can yell at a dude on a transplant list.

How could this NOT still be on the air ?

The links withing the article will not work. Go to the original page at wiki to utilize the links.

Celebrity Boxing was a short-lived Fox television series, in which celebrities whose careers and/or notoriety had waned were pitted against each other in exhibition boxing matches. The contestants wore headgear during the fights, which were scheduled for three rounds apiece. Only two episodes of the show were aired, both in the spring of 2002.

[edit] First episode

The first episode aired on March 13, 2002. The fights featured were Danny Bonaduce vs. Barry Williams, Todd Bridges vs. Vanilla Ice, and Paula Jones vs. Tonya Harding.

Bonaduce vs. Williams: Bonaduce was introduced by ring announcer Michael Buffer as Danny "Boom Boom" Bonaduce. He had a GoldenPalace.com tattoo on his back. Williams was billed as "Barry Da Butcher." Bonaduce dominated the bout, knocking Williams down five times before referee Marty Denkin called a halt to the action in round two.

Bridges vs. Ice: Bridges was introduced as Todd "Mad Dog" Bridges. Meanwhile, Ice had Tank Abbott working in his corner. Bridges was in control throughout nearly the entire fight, flooring Ice in rounds one and two. All three judges scored the bout 30-27 in his favor.

Jones vs. Harding: Tonya Harding was billed as "TNT," and was also sponsored by GoldenPalace.com. Jones was presented as Paula "The Arkansas Pounder" Jones. Both contestants declined to have their weights disclosed. Jones reportedly took the bout as a late replacement for Amy Fisher [1], and she appeared extremely reluctant to fight. She frequently turned and ran away from Harding whenever she was hit, and at one point attempted to hide behind the referee. In the final round, she at last announced that she did not wish to continue with the bout. Harding was awarded the victory by technical knockout.

[edit] Second episode

The second episode aired on May 22, 2002. Darva Conger took on Olga Korbut in the opening bout. This fight was followed by Dustin "Screech" Diamond vs. Ron "Horshack" Palillo and Manute Bol vs. William "Refrigerator" Perry. Joey Buttafuoco took on Joanie "Chyna" Laurer in the main event.

Barry Williams also appeared in this episode, singing "The Star-Spangled Banner" before the first bout, and conducting interviews with some of the fighters.

Conger vs. Korbut: Korbut, who had been charged with shoplifting $19 worth of groceries just four months prior to this match [2], was rocked by Conger on several occasions, but was never knocked down, and managed to last until the final bell. Conger won via unanimous decision.

Diamond vs. Palillo: Palillo, who was introduced as "The Pulverizer," attempted to stare Diamond down, and even shoved him after the fighters had been given their pre-fight instructions. Once the bell rang, however, Diamond was in complete control. Palillo was knocked down twice in round two, and the fight was stopped at the time 1:23 in the same round. Palillo finished the bout with a pair of black eyes.

Bol vs. Perry: Bol utilized lateral movement and his 102-inch reach to outbox the nearly-immobile Perry, winning a decision by the scores of 30-27 on all cards. Bol stated in a post-fight interview that he would donate his purse to relief efforts for victims of the Second Sudanese Civil War.

Buttafuoco vs. Laurer: Laurer was a late substitute for John Wayne Bobbitt, who had been scratched from the bout after being charged with physically abusing his wife. [3] There were no knockdowns in the fight (although Buttafuoco twice pushed Laurer to the canvas), and the bout appeared to be competitive overall. Former lightweight champion Ray Mancini, calling the fight for Fox, expressed the opinion that the decision could conceivably go either way. In the end, though, Buttafuoco took a majority decision, with one judge scoring the match even, and the other two scoring it for Buttafuoco by the scores of 29-27 and 29-28.

This post was stolen completely from wikipedia. WIKI is awesome. If you use it, or you enjoyed this article, please support them with a donation.

I think the chick at the gym is into gay porn...

...and by gay I mean man-on-man stuff.

That can be the only explanation for why she continues to give me a locker right next to the only other guy at the gym.

324 freakin lockers in the place and she keeps putting me right next to naked man.

And while we're on it, what ever happened to humility. Humility is good. At the very least its better than some dude standing there for 20 minutes telling me about, AND DEMONSTRATING, his new golf swing while in the nude. Put some damn underwear on man !

There's one guy in particular who has a giant package who I don't think I've ever seen actually work out. NO NO NO, check that....I can't ever remember him having clothes on. Ok dude, you've got a giant apple hanging from a rope...congrats...now put some pants on and go see the world.

Maybe I gotta switch gyms.

Enough of that.

I hooked my laptop up to my TV last night. Now I'm shopping for a stereo to hook up to the both of them. My hope is to be able to use musicmatch jukebox as well as Vongo or some other online movie service to be able to have a virtually unlimited catalogue of music and movies.

I figure that if I'm going to be a big fat fuck, I might as well go pro.

And for the record, I broke 210lbs on New Years Day.

typical work conversation

My Dad is a professional pilot and has the following conversation on a regular basis.

Passenger: When can we leave ?

Pilot: When the storm passes

Passenger: When's that ?

Pilot: Looks like about 2 hours.

Passenger: TWO HOURS !!!! WE CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG. I HAVE BUSINESS !

Pilot: Well I'm not flying the plane in a lightning storm, so unless you plan on flying, we aren't going anywhere.

2 minutes later

Passengerr: Can we go yet ?

Pilot: No. If we go up now we will die in a firey crash.


2 minutes later

Passengerr: Can we go yet ?

Pilot: No.

2 minutes later

Passengerr: Can we go yet ?

Pilot: No.

1 minute later

Passenger: Can we go yet ?

Pilot: ( exasperated) You know what ? YEAH, FINE, YOU WANNA GO THAT BADLY. GET IN THE PLANE.

Passenger: Is it safe ?

Pilot: NO IT'S NOT SAFE, I JUST FUCKING TOLD YOU IT'S NOT SAFE.

Passenger: Oh. Um, OK maybe we should wait.

2 minutes later

Passenger: Is it safe yet ?



Which sadly reminds me of my job anymore.


Concerned Resident and/or elected officiail ..AKA CREO

Busy And Responsible Friendly Servent ( BARFS)...AKA Flick


CREO: The creek is getting flooded, it's because the catch basin is wrong.

BARFS: Hang on a second. Do you mean the catch basin or the construction dentention basin ?

CREO: Whatever. You know the thing with the water.

BARFS: Um, ok Im going to assume you mean the detention basin. Yeah, how is it wrong ?

CREO: The water runs out of it too slowly and it's causing flooding.

BARFS: Well if the water is running out too slowly...how is there flooding ?

CREO: Because the holes are too small.

BARFS: (confused, as usual, by this logic) So you'd want me to ....?

CREO: Fix it.

BARFS: Ok, so despite $10,000 of engineering being done to build the basin, a professional contractor building the basin, an inspector affirming that everything is working properly, and me telling you that the area floods LESS than it has over the last 20 years.....you're telling me that the basin is broke because the holes are too small.

CREO: You got it.

BARFS: And you'd like me to "make the holes bigger" so that the water leaves the basin FASTER.

CREO: Yes

BARFS: And then somehow, through voo-doo magic perhaps, that shoving MORE water...FASTER...into the creek will make the creek flood LESS ?

CREO: Well....whatever you think best.

A River Runs Through It

Ever hear of that movie " A River Runs Through It" ?

Well I found out what the "it" was in that movie. The " It" is my asshole. And the river river is shaped like a giant rusty razor.

$60 buy in....25 people.....winner gets $500, pays 5 deep. ( 500, 400, 300, 200, 100)

9 players left. I'm in 4th place.

in the big blind I get 66, three callers so I limp.

flop 6 J J

I make a small bet knowing that a J will have to come over the top of me all in

Sure enough, the poker player that I hate most in life, the #1 dude I want to beat. The suckiest ass douchebag BAD poker player who thinks he's good...he raises me all-in for $7000.

Now this troll looking fucker was on life support 10 minutes ago. He was playing his usual brand of terrible and went all in with 56 before the flop against QQ and he WON. Then he went all in A9 to 88 and AJ and hit a 9 and WON, trippling up.

So now I have flopped a full house and this idiot is raising me all-in and I have the nuts.

It's like a Hollywood script and I'm James fucking Bond.

He calls with J Q

Unbelievably good for me. I'm huge favorite.

The turn is a 5

Perfect ! My odds of winning go up. I'm 85%...that's eighty-five times out of one hundred times that I win.

If I win the hand, I'd go from 9900, which is what 'd started the hand with, up to 23,000. I'd be wayyyyy in first place and I'd have 23% of all the chips left in the entire tournament. There'd be 8 guys left, paying 5 deep.

The river, of course, was a Q.

People say moments like that are a test from God.

I say, what kind of evil God pulls shit like that ?

I could see God giving you a test like, " Hey dude, here's a million dollars now go see how much good you can do ". Now that's a righteous God test.

God can't possibly be sitting around as say, " I'm going to give this guy hope. And then I'm going to take all his hope away. And I'm going to do it in a way that is the biggest possible torment I can invent." That aint God....that's devil shit right there. I blaming the devil for this shit. Devil shit.

Nevermind all that

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oppsy

I found a live game last night and we played until after 1 a.m. When I got home I slept in the guest room and didn't set an alarm figuring that I'd just wake up when the kids got up.

Well I figured wrong.

Since there's no school everyone slept in, including me. I woke up an hour after I was supposed to be here. And I'm here now, unshaven, disheveled, and just a little too hung over for my liking.

Now you might think it was the covorting that made me over sleep, or you might think the drinking had something to do with it. I'm going to admit those may have been contributing factors. The real reason that I overslept is that I laid in bed wide-eyed trying to figure out if I really heard the conversations that I heard last night or if, by chance, I hallucinated it all. In the end I figured that I just wasn't creative nor demented enough to make some of it up.

And for those women-libbers who think that there's nothing different between the sexes, call me the next time you have a bunco game where this kind of stuff is said...

" My wife wife has some new body oil she keeps in the shower that feel really good when you whack off...almost like astro glide "

" How about Afro Sheen ?"

" You can't whack off with Afro Sheen !"

" Sure, it will make your pubes nice and nappy."


" Oh you know your mother-in-law takes it in the Hershey highway" ( Followed by everyone at the table offering their favorite word for the anus and/or anal sex)


" If I have to wear a condom, I have to punch it just to feel anything" - followed by repeated simulation of punching to the groin.

" You have a Aztec housekeeper ? I gotta get me one of them. Will you sublet her ? "

" You better watch your ass, you know he'll be hiding in the bushes with a bottle of wine trying to steal your Aztec housekeeper. "

" Oooo I really have to take a dump. I'm telling you it like THIS big around ( hands apart like he's holding a football) and it's poking out my ass like a tortise head."......" don't you mean turtle's head ?"...." No, it's so big it's been upgraded to tortise "

And my personal favorite... " I've been drinking, like, a six pack a day...( turns and looks at me)...you know what that's like. Whatya mean, you write on your blog that you have a drinking problem !"


And that's just the stuff that I'm willing to allow myself to remember. I guess when you break it down, the thing that has me the most disturbed really isn't that conversation.

I guess what really has me rattled is how much I enjoy it.

P.S. If any wives of the players read this blog I just want to reassure you that your husband was the exception. While everyone else was babbling on, he was sitting there quietly just playing his card and really seemed somewhat offended.

But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd.

So after the snow shovel incident, I decided that I needed to reassess my behavior toward my fellow man. I made the decission that I would try and be less competetive, less confrontational, and to defer to other people as much as my temperment would allow me.

Considering my personality and considering my circumstances, this is no mean feat. But I've done pretty fucking good. I've eaten a lot of crow, I've put my ego aside, and I've tried to walk a path that's more righteous. But people are testing me Ringo, people are fucking testing me.

I just got done playing noontime basketball. I started last month and play Thursdays and sometimes on Tuesdays. Of course each game is filled with the next great Bobby Knight. There's are always one or two guys who want to tell everyone where to go, how to play, and what they're doing wrong. Luckily, I play a pretty team oriented game and make few mistakes so I usually don't have to deal with those small dicked retards, but it doesn't mean that they don't bug me.

The worst offender was in rare form today. Luckily he was on the other team. His frustration with his own team was making him more aggressive than normal and on at least 3 occasstions he came blasting through a pick I set or plowed into me going for a rebound. While rough, his plays were fair, so I just bucked up and took it out on him by playing hard back.

With the score ties at 14 - 13 and us playing to 15 the ball was checked in as I was talking to a player that I was defending. All of a sudden ...WHAM... I got nailed right in the small of my back and went flying into my player. The douchebag Bobby Knight wanna be had run full force into me from behind and had sent me flying.

My opponent was also sent flying and stopped the game for a second. Retard Knight asked, " what ?". To which my guy said, " Ah I was standing here and Flick came flying into me, you hit him hard from behind. You have to be a little more careful when coming through the picks." and of course the Taintsucking Red Aurbach rolled his eyes and laughed.

Now to this point I hadn't said a word, but now I spoke up, " Listen man, I wasn't even setting a pick, I was just standing here talking and you plowed into me."

The stupid fuck looked at me and DIDN'T say, " sorry" or DIDN'T say " my mistake" or DIDN'T even have the common fucking decency to say " ARE YOU OK" which , by the way i WASN'T....what he did say was, " Yo man, when the balls in play you gotta be ready."

REALLY ?!?!

So the next play he came across the lane and I stuck out my elmow and I stuck it in his shoulder as hard as I could. Merry Christmas asshole.

He came down and missed his next shot and his team lost the game.

Now I'm sitting here with my back all fucked up, and to be frank...my vision is sort of fucked up.

I should have stuck my elbow in his throat.


But I'm trying Ringo, I'm trying real hard.

Caroling Report

I woke Friday with rain in the forecast, and sure enough, at noon is started raining.

By the time I got off work, the tempature had dropped and we were involved in a good old fashion winter downpour.

"Fantastic", I thought, " I'm getting out of the caroling."

We I got home I was in for a surprise...."Oh, we're still going.", Mrs. Flick informed me.

Before I could protest, she continued, " We're going to ONE home. Mrs. So&So is very sick and this might be her last Christmas on earth, so we're all going over and bring her some Christmas Joy. Do you have a PROBLEM with that ?"

" No ma'am." , FOILED !

So at 7:00 pm I went into the garage and got out to 6 foot high and 6 foot wide deck umbrella, gathered up all the kids, and set out into the driving rain.

Now to make matters more interesting, Mrs. So&so lives a good 400 yards away, outside of the neighborhood. So we met the other families at a neutral location and set out. While trying to herd the 14 or so kids, and avoid puddles, and try to stay dry in the horizonal rain, we made the trip over to Mrs. So&so's house.

As we started up the driveway I got a funny feeling. Things there looked kinda quiet. So I asked, " Umm, did anyone call ahead ?"

A voice answered from the darkness, " No, I just figured with her being sick and all, that they'd be home."

We stood on the doorstep, voices ready...shivering...and waited....and waited....and waited....Well, she figured wrong.

No one was home. They'd all gone out.

After a pause, one of the women started to say, " Oh...well since were already out here and ready to sing why don't we just stop at......"

" Stop at" was the last thing I heard as I started jogging to the car.

"Merry Christmas suckers", I mumbled to myself as I broke out in full stride.

Twenty minutes laster I was playing poker.

christmas cheer

moral dilemma

I just got invited to a poker game on Friday night.

I called home to make sure there is nothing going on and got informed that I already have plans for Friday night.

I'm supposed to go Christmas Carolling.

WTF !?!?!

First of all, I can't sing. Secondly, an unbeknownst to pretty much everyone in my neighborhood including my wife, I'm not exactly down with the whole Jesus as Messiah story, Lastly, who the hell goes Christmas carolling ?

Goddammit !

Now, of course, there's no way for me to get out of this. If I don't show then everyone in the neighborhood is going to know that instead of celebrating the Christmas spirit with my family I'd rather be out gambling. I mean, that's true...but I don't want everyone KNOWING that.

And I know that if I agree to show and then leave after, that it will be a big production..." wherer are you going ?", " can't you stay a little longer ?", blah blah blah bullshit.

I'm considering just biting the bullet and going, but doing a reprise of Holloween and just getting totally loaded. I can get drunk and then yell stuff and sing inappropriate lyrics to some of the holiday favorites. So far I've come up with " We wish you a hairy cock ring, we wish you a hairy cock ring, we wish you a hairy cooooooock rinnnnnnngggggg....and a happy butt plug."

I may even bust out the whooie cushion costume.

my grandmother's side

My grandmother's mother was affectionately referred to as Nana. Nana help raise my father and his 5 siblings. I remember her vividly from my childhood. She was a sweet woman, at the same time she also chewed tabacco and she took shit from no one. Here's a story about her that I heard on Saturday.

Nana was living in Alabama with her husband, my grandmother who was 5, and her younger sister, just as the Great Depression started to fall across this country.

One day, her husband, a taxi driver in Birmingham, left for work and never came home....he just disappeared. For the next 6 years Nana bounched around throughout the south, living with relatives, finding any work that she could and trying to keep her two young daughters alive in the dustbowl of the south.

While staying with some friends she got word that her husband was alive and that he was living in New Brusnwick, New Jersey. Her husband, my greatgrandfather, had met a Native American woman in Alabama, was cheating on Nana, and had decided to run away to New Jersey and married the woman. Word on the street was that he had two new children.

Pissed, Nana loaded up the girls on a train and headed for the Northeast.

She arrived in New Brunswick and showed up at his doorstep. She threatened him, " These girls are you children too and you are going to raise them ! And if you say anything except 'yes ma'am' then I'm heading over to the police station and turning your ass in for bigomy "

My greatgrandfather smartly responded, " Yes ma'am"

So my Nana got an apartment and job in the city. The girls moved in with their father and the man, Nana, and the Indiana woman raised all four kids.

under the rug

Every family has those stories that sit in the shadows. The stories that, for reasons of embarassment or politeness, rarely get told outright but that you get bits and pieces of over the years and put together like a patchquilt.

I always knew that my Grandfather's father died young and he was was raised by his mother and step-father and had a brother as well as a half-sister and a half-brother, my Uncle Mickey.

I also knew that my Great-grandmother ( Nana) raised my Grandmother and her sister in Alabama and various parts of the South during the Depression, but never really heard anything about my Nana's husband or how they eventually wound up in the East.

At a family Christmas party over the weekend, I was fortunate enough to have someone share with me a few of those stories in their entirety.

My grandfather's father was a New York City Police officer who died in an accidental shooting while cleaning his gun. In the politeness that existed before 1970, and in a world of Catholic burials and police pensions, there were quite a few stressed guys who were unfortunaely clumsy while cleaning their guns.

This left my greatgrandmother a young single mother of two young children in depression era New York. She was fortunate enough to find and marry the man who raised my granfather and is always spoken of, in family circles, as a revered figure. They had two children of their own and life continued on plesantly. As all the children were young and the couple in love, that only little thing that was a little out of place was that my granfather and his brother were of germanic descent and had dark hair and darker skin. His step brother and sister were born of a Scottish father and had blond hair and fair features.

As my great grandmother was walking to the market with the four kids in tow..this difference in the appearance of the children was pointed out by a woman out sweeping her stoop. Again, in an era of politeness...this sort of thing wasn't said, as the not so subtle implication was that the children were bastards.

My greatgrandmother responded in a manner that goes a long way to explaining the behavior of generations that have followed.

She took the broom from the woman's hands and then she beat the woman down with her own broom. Then she went to market.


EPILOGUE
Needless to say, the police were summonded and the whole mess eventually ended up in court. My greatgrandmother requested to talk to the Judge in private. Once in chambers she pulled out the shield and picture of her late husband. Before having to explain in any detail, the Judge stopped her and they returned to the courtroom. The case was dismissed and the bruised woman was chastised with a warning that should she say another word to my great-grandmother or any of the children that she would find herself the one in trouble.

( tomorrow the other side of the family)

Pete Schwetty

it will take a couple of minutes, but read this

"Mr. George Bush, president of the United States of America

For some time now, I have been thinking, how one can justify the undeniable contradictions that exist in the international arena -- which are being constantly debated, especially in political forums and amongst university students. Many questions remain unanswered. Those have prompted me to discuss some of the contradictions and questions, in the hopes that it might bring about an opportunity to redress them.

Can one be a follower of Jesus Christ (Peace Be Upon Him), the great Messenger of God,

Feel obliged to respect human rights,

Present liberalism as a civilization model,



Announce one's opposition to the proliferation of nuclear weapons and WMDs,

Make "War on Terror" his slogan,

And finally,

work towards the establishment of an unified international community -- a community which Christ and the virtuous of the Earth will one day govern,

But at the same time,

Have countries attacked. The lives, reputations and possessions of people destroyed and on the slight chance of the presence of a few criminals in a village, city, or convoy for example, the entire village, city or convoy set ablaze.

Or because of the possibility of the existence of WMDs in one country, it is occupied, around 100,000 people killed, its water sources, agriculture and industry destroyed, close to 180,000 foreign troops put on the ground, sanctity of private homes of citizens broken, and the country pushed back perhaps 50 years. At what price? Hundreds of billions of dollars spent from the treasury of one country and certain other countries and tens of thousands of young men and women -- as occupation troops -- put in harms way, taken away from family and loved ones, their hands stained with the blood of others, subjected to so much psychological pressure that everyday some commit suicide and those returning home suffer depression, become sickly and grapple with all sorts of ailments; while some are killed and their bodies handed to their families.

On the pretext of the existence of WMDs, this great tragedy came to engulf both the peoples of the occupied and the occupying country. Later it was revealed that no WMDs existed to begin with.

Of course, Saddam was a murderous dictator. But the war was not waged to topple him, the announced goal of the war was to find and destroy weapons of mass destruction. He was toppled along the way towards another goal; nevertheless the people of the region are happy about it. I point out that throughout the many years of the imposed war on Iran Saddam was supported by the West.

Mr. President,

You might know that I am a teacher. My students ask me how can these actions be reconciled with the values outlined at the beginning of this letter and duty to the tradition of Jesus Christ (Peace Be Upon Him), the Messenger of peace and forgiveness?

There are prisoners in Guantanamo Bay that have not been tried, have no legal representation, their families cannot see them and are obviously kept in a strange land outside their own country. There is no international monitoring of their conditions and fate. No one knows whether they are prisoners, POWs, accused or criminals.

European investigators have confirmed the existence of secret prisons in Europe too. I could not correlate the abduction of a person, and him or her being kept in secret prisons, with the provisions of any judicial system. For that matter, I fail to understand how such actions correspond to the values outlined in the beginning of this letter, i.e. the teachings of Jesus Christ (Peace Be Upon Him), human rights and liberal values.

Young people, university students, and ordinary people have many questions about the phenomenon of Israel. I am sure you are familiar with some of them.

Throughout history, many countries have been occupied, but I think the establishment of a new country with a new people, is a new phenomenon that is exclusive to our times.

Students are saying that 60 years ago such a country did not exist. They show old documents and globes and say try as we have, we have not been able to find a country named Israel.

I tell them to study the history of WWI and II. One of my students told me that during WWII, which more than tens of millions of people perished in, news about the war, was quickly disseminated by the warring parties. Each touted their victories and the most recent battlefront defeat of the other party. After the war they claimed that six million Jews had been killed. Six million people that were surely related to at least two million families. Again let us assume that these events are true. Does that logically translate into the establishment of the state of Israel in the Middle East or support for such a state? How can this phenomenon be rationalized or explained?

Mr. President,

I am sure you know how -- and at what cost -- Israel was established:
-- Many thousands were killed in the process.
-- Millions of indigenous people were made refugees.
-- Hundreds of thousands of hectares of farmland, olive plantations, towns and villages were destroyed.

This tragedy is not exclusive to the time of establishment; unfortunately it has been ongoing for 60 years now.

A regime has been established which does not show mercy even to kids, destroys houses while the occupants are still in them, announces beforehand its list and plans to assassinate Palestinian figures, and keeps thousands of Palestinians in prison. Such a phenomenon is unique -- or at the very least extremely rare -- in recent memory.

Another big question asked by the people is "why is this regime being supported?"

Is support for this regime in line with the teachings of Jesus Christ (Peace Be Upon Him) or Moses (Peace Be Upon Him) or liberal values?

Or are we to understand that allowing the original inhabitants of these lands -- inside and outside Palestine -- whether they are Christian, Muslim or Jew, to determine their fate, runs contrary to principles of democracy, human rights and the teachings of prophets? If not, why is there so much opposition to a referendum?

The newly elected Palestinian administration recently took office. All independent observers have confirmed that this government represents the electorate. Unbelievingly, they have put the elected government under pressure and have advised it to recognize the Israeli regime, abandon the struggle and follow the programs of the previous government.
If the current Palestinian government had run on the above platform, would the Palestinian people have voted for it? Again, can such position taken in opposition to the Palestinian government be reconciled with the values outlined earlier? The people are, also asking "why are all UNSC resolutions in condemnation of Israel vetoed?"

Mr. President,

As you are well aware, I live amongst the people and am in constant contact with them -- many people from around the Middle East manage to contact me as well. They do not have faith in there dubious policies either. There is evidence that the people of the region are becoming increasingly angry with such policies.

It is not my intention to pose too many questions, but I need to refer to other points as well.
Why is it that any technological and scientific achievement reached in the Middle East region is translated into and portrayed as a threat to the Zionist regime? Is not scientific R&D one of the basic rights of nations?

You are familiar with history. Aside from the Middle Ages, in what other point in history has scientific and technical progress been a crime? Can the possibility of scientific achievements being utilized for military purposes be reason enough to oppose science and technology altogether? If such a supposition is true, then all scientific disciplines, including physics, chemistry, mathematics, medicine, engineering, etc, must be opposed.

Lies were told in the Iraqi matter. What was the result? I have no doubt that telling lies is reprehensible in any culture, and you do not like to be lied to.

Mr. President,

Don't Latin Americans have the right to ask why their elected government are being opposed and coup leaders supported? Or, Why must they constantly be threatened and live in fear?
The people of Africa are hard-working, creative and talented. They can play an important and valuable role in providing for the needs of humanity and contribute to its material and spiritual progress. Poverty and hardship in large parts of Africa are preventing this from happening. Don't they have the right to ask why their enormous wealth -- including minerals -- is being looted, despite the fact that they need it more than others?

Again, do such actions correspond to the teachings of Christ and the tenets of human rights?

The brave and faithful people of Iran too have many questions and grievances, including: the coup d'etat of 1953 and the subsequent toppling of the legal government of the day, opposition to the Islamic revolution, transformation of an Embassy into a headquarters supporting the activities of those opposing the Islamic Republic (many thousands of pages of documents corroborate this claim), support for Saddam in the war waged against Iran, the shooting down of the Iranian passenger plane, freezing the assets of the Iranian nation, increasing threats, anger and displeasure vis-a-vis the scientific and nuclear progress of the Iranian nation (just when all Iranians are jubilant and celebrating their country's progress), and many other grievances that I will not refer to in this letter.

Mr. President,

September Eleven was a horrendous incident. The killing of innocents is deplorable and appalling in any part of the world. Our government immediately declared its disgust with the perpetrators and offered its condolences to the bereaved and expressed its sympathies.

All governments have a duty to protect the lives, property and good standing of their citizens. Reportedly your government employs extensive security, protection and intelligence systems -- and even hunts its opponents abroad. September eleven was not a simple operation. Could it be planned and executed without coordination with intelligence and security services -- or their extensive infiltration? Of course this is just an educated guess. Why have the various aspects of the attacks been kept secret? Why are we not told who botched their responsibilities? And, why aren't those responsible and the guilty parties identified and put on trial?

All governments have a duty to provide security and peace of mind for their citizens. For some years now, the people of your country and neighbors of world trouble spots do not have peace of mind. After 9.11, instead of healing and tending to the emotional wounds of the survivors and the American people -- who had been immensely traumatized by the attacks -- some Western media only intensified the climate of fear and insecurity -- some constantly talked about the possibility of new terror attacks and kept the people in fear. Is that service to the American people? Is it possible to calculate the damages incurred from fear and panic?

American citizens lived in constant fear of fresh attacks that could come at any moment and in any place. They felt insecure in the street, in their place of work and at home. Who would be happy with this situation? Why was the media, instead of conveying a feeling of security and providing peace of mind, giving rise to a feeling of insecurity?

Some believe that the hype paved the way -- and was the justification -- for an attack on Afghanistan. Again I need to refer to the role of media. In media charters, correct dissemination of information and honest reporting of a story are established tenets. I express my deep regret about the disregard shown by certain Western media for these principles. The main pretext for an attack on Iraq was the existence of WMDs. This was repeated incessantly -- for the public to finally believe -- and the ground set for an attack on Iraq.

Will the truth not be lost in a contrived and deceptive climate? Again, if the truth is allowed to be lost, how can that be reconciled with the earlier mentioned values?

Is the truth known to the Almighty lost as well?

Mr. President,

In countries around the world, citizens provide for the expenses of governments so that their governments in turn are able to serve them.

The question here is "what has the hundreds of billions of dollars, spent every year to pay for the Iraqi campaign, produced for the citizens?"

As Your Excellency is aware, in some states of your country, people are living in poverty. Many thousands are homeless and unemployment is a huge problem. Of course these problems exist -- to a larger or lesser extent -- in other countries as well. With these conditions in mind, can the gargantuan expenses of the campaign -- paid from the public treasury -- be explained and be consistent with the aforementioned principles?

What has been said, are some of the grievances of the people around the world, in our region and in your country. But my main contention -- which I am hoping you will agree to some of it -- is:
Those in power have a specific time in office and do not rule indefinitely, but their names will be recorded in history and will be consistently judged in the immediate and distant futures.
The people will scrutinize our presidencies. Did we manage to bring peace, security and prosperity for the people or insecurity and unemployment?

Did we intend to establish justice or just supported special interest groups, and by forcing many people to live in poverty and hardship made a few people rich and powerful -- thus trading the approval of the people and the Almighty with theirs?

Did we defend the rights of the underprivileged or ignore them?

Did we defend the rights of all people around the world or imposed wars on them, interfered illegally in their affairs, established hellish prisons and incarcerated some of them?
Did we bring the world peace and security or raised the specter of intimidation and threats?
Did we tell the truth to our nation and others around the world or presented an inverted version of it?

Were we on the side of people or the occupiers and oppressors?

Did our administrations set out to promote rational behavior, logic, ethics, peace, fulfilling obligations, justice, service to the people, prosperity, progress and respect for human dignity or the force of guns, Intimidation, insecurity, disregard for the people, delaying the progress and excellence of other nations, and trample on people's rights?

And finally, they will judge us on whether we remained true to our oath of office -- to serve the people, which is our main task, and the traditions of the prophets -- or not?

Mr. President,

How much longer can the world tolerate this situation?

Where will this trend lead the world to?

How long must the people of the world pay for the incorrect decisions of some rulers?

How much longer will the specter of insecurity -- raised from the stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction -- hunt the people of the world?

How much longer will the blood of the innocent men, women and children be spilled on the streets, and people's houses destroyed over their heads?

Are you pleased with the current condition of the world?

Do you think present policies can continue?

If billions of dollars spent on security, military campaigns and troop movement were instead spent on investment and assistance for poor countries, promotion of health, combating different diseases, education and improvement of mental and physical fitness, assistance to the victims of natural disasters, creation of employment opportunities and production, development projects and poverty alleviation, establishment of peace, mediation between disputing states, and extinguishing the flames of racial, ethnic and other conflicts, were would the world be today? Would not your government and people be justifiably proud?

Would not your administration's political and economic standing have been stronger?

And I am most sorry to say, would there have been an ever increasing global hatred of the American government?

Mr. President, it is not my intention to distress anyone.

If Prophet Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Ishmael, Joseph, or Jesus Christ (Peace Be Upon Him) were with us today, how would they have judged such behavior? Will we be given a role to play in the promised world, where justice will become universal and Jesus Christ (Peace Be Upon Him) will be present? Will they even accept us?

My basic question is this: Is there no better way to interact with the rest of the world? Today there are hundreds of millions of Christians, hundreds of millions of Muslims and millions of people who follow the teachings of Moses (Peace Be Upon Him). All divine religions share and respect one word and that is "monotheism" or belief in a single God and no other in the world.
The Holy Koran stresses this common word and calls on all followers of divine religions and says: (3.64) Say: O followers of the Book! come to an equitable proposition between us and you that we shall not serve any but Allah and (that) we shall not associate aught with Him, and (that) some of us shall not take others for lords besides Allah; but if they turn back, then say: Bear witness that we are Muslims. (The Family of Imran)

Mr. President,

According to divine verses, we have all been called upon to worship one God and follow the teachings of divine Prophets.

"To worship a God which is above all powers in the world and can do all He pleases." "the Lord which knows that which is hidden and visible, the past and the future, knows what goes on in the Hearts of His servants and records their deeds."

"The Lord who is the possessor of the heavens and the earth and all universe is His court"
"planning for the universe is done by His hands, and gives His servants the glad tidings of mercy and forgiveness of sins" "He is the companion of the oppressed and the enemy of oppressors" "He is the Compassionate, the Merciful" "He is the recourse of the faithful and guides them towards the light from darkness" "He is witness to the actions of His servants" "He calls on servants to be faithful and do good deeds, and asks them to stay on the path of righteousness and remain steadfast" "Calls on servants to heed His prophets and He is a witness to their deeds" "A bad ending belongs only to those who have chosen the life of this world and disobey Him and oppress His servants" and "A good land and eternal paradise belong to those servants who fear His majesty and do not follow their lascivious selves."

We believe a return to the teachings of the divine prophets is the only road leading to salvation and have been told that Your Excellency follows the teachings of Jesus (Peace Be Upon Him) and believes in the divine promise of the rule of the righteous on Earth.

We also believe that Jesus Christ (Peace Be Upon Him) was one of the great prophets of the Almighty. He has been repeatedly praised in the Koran. Jesus (Peace Be Upon Him) has been quoted in Koran as well: (19.36) And surely Allah is my Lord and your Lord, therefore serve Him; this is the right path.

Service to and obedience of the Almighty is the credo of all divine messengers.

The God of all people in Europe, Asia, Africa, America, the Pacific and the rest of the world is one. He is the Almighty who wants to guide and give dignity to all His servants. He has given greatness to Humans.

We again read in the Holy Book: "The Almighty God sent His prophets with miracles and clear signs to guide the people and show them divine signs and purify them from sins and pollutions. And He sent the Book and the balance so that the people display justice and avoid the rebellious."

All of the above verses can be seen, one way or the other, in the Good Book as well.

Divine prophets have promised:
The day will come when all humans will congregate before the court of the Almighty, so that their deeds are examined, The good will be directed towards Haven and evildoers will meet divine retribution. I trust both of us believe in such a day, but it will not be easy to calculate the actions of rulers, because we must be answerable to our nation and all others whose lives have been directly or indirectly affected by our actions.

All prophets, speak of peace and tranquillity for man -- based on monotheism, justice and respect for human dignity.

Do you not think that if all of us come to believe in and abide by these principles, that is, monotheism, worship of God, justice, respect for the dignity of man, belief in the Last Day, we can overcome the present problems of the world -- that are the result of disobedience to the Almighty and the teachings of prophets -- and improve our performance?

Do you not think that belief in these principles promotes and guarantees peace, friendship and justice?

Do you not think that the aforementioned written or unwritten principles are universally represented?

Will you not accept this invitation? That is, a genuine return to the teachings of prophets, to monotheism and justice, to preserve human dignity and obedience to the Almighty and His prophets?

Mr. President,

History tells us that repressive and cruel governments do not survive. God has entrusted the fate of men to them. The Almighty has not left the universe and humanity to their own devices. Many things have happened contrary to the wishes and plans of governments. These tell us that there is a higher power at work and all events are determined by Him.

Can one deny the signs of change in the world today?

Is the situation of the world today comparable to that of 10 years ago? Changes happen fast and come at a furious pace.

The people of the world are not happy with the status quo and pay little heed to the promises and comments made by a number of influential world leaders. Many people around the world feel insecure and oppose the spreading of insecurity and war and do not approve of and accept dubious policies.

The people are protesting the increasing gap between the haves and the have-nots and the rich and poor countries.

The people are disgusted with increasing corruption.

The people of many countries are angry about the attacks on their cultural foundations and the disintegration of families. They are equally dismayed with the fading of care and compassion. The people of the world have no faith in international organizations, because their rights are not advocated by these organizations.

Liberalism and Western-style democracy have not been able to help realize the ideals of humanity. Today these two concepts have failed. Those with insight can already hear the sounds of the shattering and fall of the ideology and thoughts of the Liberal democratic systems.
We increasingly see that people around the world are flocking towards a main focal point -- that is the Almighty God. Undoubtedly through faith in God and the teachings of the prophets, the people will conquer their problems. My question for you is: "Do you not want to join them?"

Mr. President,

Whether we like it or not, the world is gravitating towards faith in the Almighty and justice and the will of God will prevail over all things.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

I QUIT

I'm done with poker.

I'm cracked.

I'm emotionally unstable.

I laid in bed until 2 am last night stewing.

You see, the cards are supposed to balance out over time. If you're a 70% favorite and you lose...no worries you will next time. And if you happen to lose the next time...no worries, you'll get the next few.

Well you know what....BULLFUCKINGSHIT.

One of two things has happened.....either I was really really really lucky for the last 6 months where I was making steady money and now I'm paying for it....or someone put some voo-doo fucking curse on me.

I'm not going to make you suffer through a bunch of bad beat stories, but I'll just say that I've lost some very important hands....economically important as well as emotionally important...where I was a 70% favorite or better. I've been knocked out of big money tournaments....I've been knocked out against some rivals.....I've been knocked out where I could really use a break...I've been knocked out live with the last of my bankroll on the table.

In every instance there is a common theme. At the time I shoved in I was at least a 2 to 1 favorite, and in most instances I was at least 70%.

Whatever the cause, whatever the reasoning, whatever the rationale, I'm cracked.

Fuck it , I'm out.

Get ready for some reading 'cause I'm pissed, I'm thirsty, and I'm going to have a lot of time on my hands.

Living with crackheads

My three children are between 4 and 8 years old.

The month of December has been living with a house full of crackheads who've heard that a new shipment of crack is coming in....but not for a month.

Every morning it's the same thing.....

" Is the crack here ?"

-NO!

" How many more days until the crack gets here ?"

- two weeks

" Is that a long time ?"

- That's a medium amount of time.

" I can't wait for the crack to come. Can you wait for the crack to come ? I LLLOOOOOOVVVVEEEE the crack !"

and so it goes every morning.

If what you hear about is cool...

...imagine how cool the stuff you don't hear about is.

I've been sitting on this one for a little while as I wanted to get through all three seasons of Entourage. The worst thing would be to make the link public and then the site gets swamped and slows down my connection rate.

Anyway, this site http://www.yourtvlinks.com/ has many of your favorite shows in their totality.

In addition to Entourage, I've seen all The Office that I'd missed and I'm half way through HBO's OZ.

This also goes a long way to explaining why no one has heard from me in the last week.

ummmm nevermind

Please excuse the content of the previous post.

Can write much now, I have a lot of work to do to keep my job.

Do you think Hallmark makes a " I didn't really mean to tell you to shove your job up your ass" apology card ?

HA HA SUCKAS

The West African Institute just emailed and notified me of a settlement that I am going to receive. All you suckas can kiss my ass....I'm rich bitches...see you in Morocco, I'll be the one with the umbrella drink and the big gold chain.

sorry

I've been out of my mind lately, but I'm back baby...I'M BACK !

So Saturday night I went out with a buddy and his wife and had a few drinks and we all drove together. Around 11 pm I wanted to head home and went over to check with my pal.

" Hey man, you wanna get outta here ?"

" Ummm, can you give me a couple of minutes. My wife is getting a little tipsy and I'm pretty sure if I get another drink in I might be looking at a blowjob."

Being a team player as well as a big fan of oral I was going about to get in the way of a man with a plan, so I got a cue stick and started shooting some pool.

A short while later my buddy came up, " Ok man it's time."

" Hey man, I just started shooting this game...gimme a couple minutes."

He got very serious, " Look Flick, you don't understand, I have a very narrow window here. To do this right, I have to get her right in between sorta drunk and really drunk if she's going to go down on me. The window is open, lets go !?"

" Alright, alright....let just finish this one game it will take a minute. And I'll tell you what, I'll buy you guys one more round while I'm finishing up."

I walked over to the bar and ordered a Southern Comfort and Coke. What I got was Southern Comfort and Souther Comfort. I generously tipped the bartender and went back to the couple.

I gave the drink to the wife and as I went back to the pool table noted to my buddy, " no worries about the oral....after that drink I think you're getting the butt !"

I shot may game as my friend impatiently looked on. The eight ball no sooner hit the corner pocket then we were being hustled out of there and into the car. I sat in the front passenger seat and my buddy poured his wife, now starting to feel the effects of that last drink, into the back seat.

Pushing my luck I asked, " Hey man, I'm kinda hungry. Can you swing into the Mickey-D's real quick, they're open 24 hours now."

" NO...I'M TAKING YOU HOME.", the guy had one eye on the road and one eye in the read view mirror assessing his odds of the back seat situation.

Then the wife chimed in, " hey don't be like that ....Flick came out with us...the least you can do is get him a burger...what's the rush"...except is came out like, " heydontsbelikesthaaaaat...Flickscameoutwifuzzzz....theleasssseyoucaanndoizzz..blabblaaaaa"

The window, I belive, was closing.

We pulled into the McDonalds and up to the drive thru and the little box said, " Welcome to McDonalds...can you wait just a second."

bahahahahaha

Finally we placed the order. We zoomed up to the window. We handed over the money and the kid to forever counting the change. My buddy say there steaming...every second was feeling like an hour. He was constantly looking into the back seat watching his chances of a blow job start to fall asleep.

" JUST GIMME THE FOOD !!!!" and he grabbed the bag out of the kids hand.

Then my friend slammed on the accelerator and let go of the clutch.

SQQQQQUUUUEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL !

The wheels were smoking as we sat in place and peeled out.

Finally the wheels burned through the french cry grease at the drive thru window and caught traction and we went flying out of the drive thru.

Now at this McDonalds the space from the window to the end of the parking lot is about 30 feet ! At that point you have to make a left. Then you go another...maybe.... 35 feet and have to make a right to get up to the main road.

My buddy never let off the accelerator.

We lurched forward and he yanked the wheel to the left and we all reached out to brace ourselves. Then, almost instantly, he turned the other direction and we snapped to the right.

Now for me, no big deal, I had one hand on my food bag and the other on the door handle. But for the Mrs. in the back seat and with a head full of SoCo, the reaction time was a little different. She reached to the right and the car snapped left and ....

THUNK

It sounded like someone dropped a watermellon out of a second story window.

and then

" uggghhhhh"...with a little wimper.

The Mrs. cracked her skull on the back seat window.

" uh, baby, are you alright ?", he ask after a little while.

" I......ahhhhh.....I think I'm bleeding...."

I looked straight ahead and started eating as fast as I could. When my buddy dropped me off he barely slowed down enough for me to jump out.

I called the next morning, " how'd you make out last night ?"

"I don't want to talk about it", he didn't sound happy.

" Well, I gotta hand it to you, you were right. You did have a window for head...just not quite like you expected."

"Ha ha, you're a funny guy. Real funny."

He said it, but I don't think he meant it.