I'm decompressing from my week long ( actually 8 days) in Topeka, KS.
It was quite the scene man.
Stories to follow, tune in later in the week.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
heads up ? screw you !
I was at a ball game and someone yelled "heads up" when a foul ball went into the crowd. WTF is that ? Heads up is going to get someone smashed in the face. I'm calling for a moratorium on the phrase "heads up" and asking that it be replaced with the phrase " duck motherfucker".
Goddamn Im hungover...but not to hungover to remember how bad that McNabb sucks.
Goddamn Im hungover...but not to hungover to remember how bad that McNabb sucks.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Multiples of 3
So i met a guy online who invited me to play in a poker game that he and his buddies play every Friday. Just in case it was a set up to rape me I brought Ron along.
We met the guy in a parking lot of a McDonalds and he was to lead us over to the game. In hte parking lot I innocently asked how his game online was going. He replied, " Pretty good. I read this article online that talked about how the whole thing is fixed so the poker site can make more money and since then I've been working on a system that's been pretty successful. You see in order to jack up the rake they set up hands for the suckers to win. Whenever you see a straight or flush win on the river what you want to do is count up the next 40 hands. Then between hands 40 and 50, if you get two cards that will make a flush or a straight...or both !... then you want to play that hand all the way to the river."
" So let me get this straight." , I asked, " You're saying that should I happen to get two cards that can make a straight or two cards that can make a flush, anytime in a 10 hand span....that I should play those cards to the river ? "
"Yes"
" and this works for you"
" Well not EVERYTIME. But it works a lot"
"cool" I said, " thanks for the tip. Let's head over"
Ron and I got in the car and before I could back out Ron whispered, " we are going to make sooooo much money"
So we get over the the house and it's 8 guys, all between 20-30, all without a pot to piss in. One of the kids has a house and the downstairs had 3 peices of functioning furniture, a couch, a chair, and a poker table. These guys all chipped in and bought a table, a rack of chips, and one deck of cards. They play every Friday night and often on Saturdays as well.
Ron and I brought a 12 pack and offered these guys some beer. You never saw guys happier to get some free beer. And so we began playing.
I played pretty tight for a while to get a feel for what was going on and these guys seemed to be pretty good...or at least they knew how to deal, and bet in order, and the rules of the game.
About 15 minutes in I got a pair of 10s which I played well to the river with nothing on the board. At the end, the last guy left check raised me. I looked over the board and barring trips or something crazy like a 3 - 6 that cought a small straight on the river, I couldn't see how I could be beaten. I called it down and showed my 10s. The guy flipped over 3 6 offsuit.
" Pardon my ignorance" I pleased, " but I'm a bit new to the game and haven't seen many guys play a 3 -6 offsuit to a pre flop raise...then see it all the way to the river hoping to catch the one card that might win the hand. Perhaps you wouldn't mind walking me through your thought process so that I might be able to pick up some tips to make my game better"
" Oh that !?!?!" the guy across the table interrrupted, " yeah, he always play multiples of 3. I always play multiples of 4. Heck, when we both have Q's it gets crazy because if you think about it Q's are like 12s."
I looked over at Ron and he was so happy I swear to you he was starting to cry.
The best anology I can give is if you went to some island that had never heard of basketball, built a court, game them a ball, explained the basic rules and then left. If you came back in a year, I suppose that the folks there could probably play a pretty neat game that resembled basketball...but they might be doing stuff like having the tallest guy handle the ball since he could see over everybody's head.....or they'd shoot all the freethrows underhand....or passing it hard off the backboard would be a regular play...stuff that, provided that all the players played that way would seem perfectly reasonable...but IT WOULDN"T BE BASKETBALL !
So Ron and i spent the next hour figuring out what it was the hell they were playing. Then the next hour winning back what we had lost and then some. Then they asked if we'd like to move to pot limit.
In the first 5 hands of pot limit, Ron had knocked 2 people out and more than doubled his money. I looked down to see 77 and flopped A 7 3. To make a long story, I got all my money in against a guy with A8 who caught runner 8 and 8 so that his magical full house beat my full house.
As much as it killed me, I got up, left he room, took a piss, flipped out in the bathroom as quietly as possible, came back out with a smile and made sure that I would be invited back every Friday.
By New Years I hope to own the table, the couch, and the chair.
We met the guy in a parking lot of a McDonalds and he was to lead us over to the game. In hte parking lot I innocently asked how his game online was going. He replied, " Pretty good. I read this article online that talked about how the whole thing is fixed so the poker site can make more money and since then I've been working on a system that's been pretty successful. You see in order to jack up the rake they set up hands for the suckers to win. Whenever you see a straight or flush win on the river what you want to do is count up the next 40 hands. Then between hands 40 and 50, if you get two cards that will make a flush or a straight...or both !... then you want to play that hand all the way to the river."
" So let me get this straight." , I asked, " You're saying that should I happen to get two cards that can make a straight or two cards that can make a flush, anytime in a 10 hand span....that I should play those cards to the river ? "
"Yes"
" and this works for you"
" Well not EVERYTIME. But it works a lot"
"cool" I said, " thanks for the tip. Let's head over"
Ron and I got in the car and before I could back out Ron whispered, " we are going to make sooooo much money"
So we get over the the house and it's 8 guys, all between 20-30, all without a pot to piss in. One of the kids has a house and the downstairs had 3 peices of functioning furniture, a couch, a chair, and a poker table. These guys all chipped in and bought a table, a rack of chips, and one deck of cards. They play every Friday night and often on Saturdays as well.
Ron and I brought a 12 pack and offered these guys some beer. You never saw guys happier to get some free beer. And so we began playing.
I played pretty tight for a while to get a feel for what was going on and these guys seemed to be pretty good...or at least they knew how to deal, and bet in order, and the rules of the game.
About 15 minutes in I got a pair of 10s which I played well to the river with nothing on the board. At the end, the last guy left check raised me. I looked over the board and barring trips or something crazy like a 3 - 6 that cought a small straight on the river, I couldn't see how I could be beaten. I called it down and showed my 10s. The guy flipped over 3 6 offsuit.
" Pardon my ignorance" I pleased, " but I'm a bit new to the game and haven't seen many guys play a 3 -6 offsuit to a pre flop raise...then see it all the way to the river hoping to catch the one card that might win the hand. Perhaps you wouldn't mind walking me through your thought process so that I might be able to pick up some tips to make my game better"
" Oh that !?!?!" the guy across the table interrrupted, " yeah, he always play multiples of 3. I always play multiples of 4. Heck, when we both have Q's it gets crazy because if you think about it Q's are like 12s."
I looked over at Ron and he was so happy I swear to you he was starting to cry.
The best anology I can give is if you went to some island that had never heard of basketball, built a court, game them a ball, explained the basic rules and then left. If you came back in a year, I suppose that the folks there could probably play a pretty neat game that resembled basketball...but they might be doing stuff like having the tallest guy handle the ball since he could see over everybody's head.....or they'd shoot all the freethrows underhand....or passing it hard off the backboard would be a regular play...stuff that, provided that all the players played that way would seem perfectly reasonable...but IT WOULDN"T BE BASKETBALL !
So Ron and i spent the next hour figuring out what it was the hell they were playing. Then the next hour winning back what we had lost and then some. Then they asked if we'd like to move to pot limit.
In the first 5 hands of pot limit, Ron had knocked 2 people out and more than doubled his money. I looked down to see 77 and flopped A 7 3. To make a long story, I got all my money in against a guy with A8 who caught runner 8 and 8 so that his magical full house beat my full house.
As much as it killed me, I got up, left he room, took a piss, flipped out in the bathroom as quietly as possible, came back out with a smile and made sure that I would be invited back every Friday.
By New Years I hope to own the table, the couch, and the chair.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Trick or Treat
In what has become an annual tradition in our neighborhood, all the families get together for pizza before trick or treating. This year we introduced beer (for the parents) into the equation with good results. The trick or treating turned into a bar crawl.
We got about two blocks from my house and I really had to take a leak. With people everywhere and a local fire truck, light ablazin, parked and handing out candy to the kids, there was little opportunity to sneak into the bushes.
Add to that the fact that taking a leak in the bushes might be generally frowned upon by the neighbors AND having your weiner out while little kids are running around the town is a recipe for disaster no matter how legitimate the reason. " I was just taking a piss" doesn't sound believable when it's in print in the local paper.
But I couldn't take it anymore, so I lagged behind everyone else, and casually made my way over near the bushes. In one swift motion, I stepped between two bushes and moved behind them. Well to my surprise, I found out where the neighborhood stormwater culvert is. My step behind the bush turned into my 4 foot fall into the detention basin. I exacted a perfect dive roll back up to my feet and scrambled up the embankment and back into parade. A couple of seconds I heard a voice behind me..." I thought I was going to have to send the firemen in there after you"...apparantly I wasn't the last person in line. Embarassed and slightly scathed I trudged on.
Antoher couple of blocks I couldn't take it anymore. I told T " I really gotta go !". She said that she'd take the kids, that I should run home and to take the video camera with me. I slipped the camera onto hand and started home.
I had to go so badly that I couldn't run...I had to do a fast shuffle/speed walk. I got back onto my street, which was now completely empty of people and started toward my house. It was touch and go as to whether I would make it without pissing my pants. Then I came up to the bushes again. Half out of severe need and half out to prove a point to that bastard bush I decided to piss right there. Carefully and quickly I slipped into the bushes and carefully perched myself on the ledge of the basin. I craned my neck around to look and see if anyone was coming and as quickly as possible, which at this point was easy, unzipped and let it rip. Ahhhhhhhhh. So I'm standing there relieved, looking around for anyone coming and all of a sudden I realize I'm getting wet. SWEET JESUS !
I look down in the pitch dark and realize that the video camera strap is still around my hand. The hand that is holding my johnson. And that I'm pissing all over the camera and it's splashing all over me.
After swearing, zipping up, and trying to dry off, I run all the way back and rejoin everyone.
T asked me to take a video of the kids. I picked up the piss stained camera, aimed it, turned it on. The video screen flickered, flickered again, then a message came up...DANGER DEW DETECTED.
Indeed.
Best lines from the night:
( after my daughter lost her princess crown and the neighbors were helping look for it)
" nevermind, nevermind. Remember Gentlemen....it's not the crown that makes the princess"
and to two teenage girls trick or treating
" Hey, you guys look great...great costumes"
" really ?! thanks ?!"
" Yeah, you look JUST LIKE two kids to old to be out trick or treating"
We got about two blocks from my house and I really had to take a leak. With people everywhere and a local fire truck, light ablazin, parked and handing out candy to the kids, there was little opportunity to sneak into the bushes.
Add to that the fact that taking a leak in the bushes might be generally frowned upon by the neighbors AND having your weiner out while little kids are running around the town is a recipe for disaster no matter how legitimate the reason. " I was just taking a piss" doesn't sound believable when it's in print in the local paper.
But I couldn't take it anymore, so I lagged behind everyone else, and casually made my way over near the bushes. In one swift motion, I stepped between two bushes and moved behind them. Well to my surprise, I found out where the neighborhood stormwater culvert is. My step behind the bush turned into my 4 foot fall into the detention basin. I exacted a perfect dive roll back up to my feet and scrambled up the embankment and back into parade. A couple of seconds I heard a voice behind me..." I thought I was going to have to send the firemen in there after you"...apparantly I wasn't the last person in line. Embarassed and slightly scathed I trudged on.
Antoher couple of blocks I couldn't take it anymore. I told T " I really gotta go !". She said that she'd take the kids, that I should run home and to take the video camera with me. I slipped the camera onto hand and started home.
I had to go so badly that I couldn't run...I had to do a fast shuffle/speed walk. I got back onto my street, which was now completely empty of people and started toward my house. It was touch and go as to whether I would make it without pissing my pants. Then I came up to the bushes again. Half out of severe need and half out to prove a point to that bastard bush I decided to piss right there. Carefully and quickly I slipped into the bushes and carefully perched myself on the ledge of the basin. I craned my neck around to look and see if anyone was coming and as quickly as possible, which at this point was easy, unzipped and let it rip. Ahhhhhhhhh. So I'm standing there relieved, looking around for anyone coming and all of a sudden I realize I'm getting wet. SWEET JESUS !
I look down in the pitch dark and realize that the video camera strap is still around my hand. The hand that is holding my johnson. And that I'm pissing all over the camera and it's splashing all over me.
After swearing, zipping up, and trying to dry off, I run all the way back and rejoin everyone.
T asked me to take a video of the kids. I picked up the piss stained camera, aimed it, turned it on. The video screen flickered, flickered again, then a message came up...DANGER DEW DETECTED.
Indeed.
Best lines from the night:
( after my daughter lost her princess crown and the neighbors were helping look for it)
" nevermind, nevermind. Remember Gentlemen....it's not the crown that makes the princess"
and to two teenage girls trick or treating
" Hey, you guys look great...great costumes"
" really ?! thanks ?!"
" Yeah, you look JUST LIKE two kids to old to be out trick or treating"
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