I've been under a decent ammt of work stress lately, and between training for a long triathlon and having allergies I've been under a great deal of physical stress. Home stress I don't even want to talk about except to say that no one warned me about the 9 year old boy "moronic" phase. In any case.....sooner or later something had to give.
Last night I went to the pool which, in general, already has be on the edge. The pool situation is stressful enough because you have to go through the locker room of naked old men which I've already documented at length.
But you can add to that a couple of factors which occur 100% of the time. They are;
* The pool's dumb policy of only maintaining two lap lanes even during peak hours. This means that you always have to share a lane. So when you get on deck, you have to wait until some old fart meanders his way across the pool doing the elementary back stroke and hope that you can catch him and let him know that your sharing his lane so he doesn't bean you or so that you don't knock into him in the deep end and drown him. And then once you're in a lane, they'll inevitably fill and some person will pull their chair up the the edge of the water and alternate between asking everyone, " do you have much longer ?" and then huffing and rolling their eyes when you reply, " suck my pull buoy".
* There's always a water aerobics class going on. This means fifteen 82 year old fat women who wrap themselves in those floatie noodles and bob around like dead manatees to the sounds of the 70's. Add in the fact that every one of them has been hermetically sealed in perfumes purchased by their grandchildren and cheap eyebrow make-up and what you end up with is a stinky, choppy, disgusting soup of a pool.
Last night was made worse by the following
- My lane partner was a woman in her mid-60s. Half the time she did this weird sort of sidestroke with a giant scissor kick. The effect of which was that I got the worlds creepiest beaver shot whenever I had to pass her northbound. The other half of the time she put these flippers on and swam freestyle really really fast, and passed me multiple times much to my humiliation.
- There was a special needs kid wandering around the pool. He looked to be in his early 20s. He was at least 6 foot 5" and weighed, no exaggeration, 400 lbs. He was like a black George "The Animal" Steel...complete with the lazy eye and everything. He was a nice enough kid and for whatever reason took a shining to me. So whenever I would stop between sets he would start to wander over to my lane and stare at me absently. I was torn between trying to be nice to the kid ( and not look like a douche to his super hot mom on the deck for blowing him off) and getting my workouts in. I already HATE swimming, and want to get it over with. At the same time I don't want to be known as " that dude who hates retarded kids". Pretty much that's all I could think about while I was swimming.
- Finally there was this family of Chinese kids. Appropriately enough there were like 700 of them and everyone of them was acting like they were throwing a seizure. Every once in a while one of them would start screaming to high heaven and it would startle me, the life guards and everyone else, assuming that someone was hurt or drowning. The mother of the brood, of course, just sat there oblivious... probably content that she wasn't in labor for more than a 10 minute stretch of time.
The whole thing came to a head when this college age girl came in to give a swim lesson to this little 4 year old girl. They set up right next to my lane in the corner where the lap lane met the open wasteland of manatees and screaming Asians.
After a set I stopped to catch my breath and I could see it coming. It was like a perfect storm of madness. At the same time that the college girl was trying to get the 4 year old to swim to her from the edge of the pool, the 400lb retarded guy started making his way over to me, and the Asian kids started an all out Tienanmen Square revolutionary assault on each other with kickboards and noodles, whooping it up the whole time. It was a giant wave of flesh, and splash and noise and cheap perfume stick and I ....coudn't....fucking....take it.....any.......more.
" HEEEEEEYYYYYY ! HEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYY !!!!!! " I screamed at the top of my lugs, my voice echoing above the din of kids screaming and bad disco.
" CUT THAT SHIT OOOOOUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTT !!!!!!", I pointed at the biggest Chinese kid, " They're trying to have a lesson here and I'm trying to swim and you need to stop freakin screaming and BACK UP !"
I eyeballed the retarded guy. Well I eyeballed one of his eyeballs anyway. " Not you buddy, you're good. Just watch out for the little kid."
Then I put on my goggles and swam 300 meters.
When I popped my head up again, I had the place to myself. So I guess in the end it pretty much all worked out for the best.
Friday, July 31, 2009
My job
Hello, I'd like to answer a few of your questions:
First off, no you may not have a speed bump. I could give you 5 good reasonable reasons why the suggestion is dumb, but you'd ignore all of those and tell me how you saw one someplace else ( that was a speed table..at a crosswalk, btw) and you'll refuse to understand why, so lets just cut to the chase. The answer is no.
You'd like a "children playing" sign on your street ? You mean there are children playing on YOUR street ? Oh you must be so lucky, I don't think that happens anyplace else.
No, if it "saves one child " its still not probably worth it...whatever IT is. If we eliminated all cars then no child would ever be struck by a car. Would that be worth it ? What's that you say ? Car's are also useful for productivity ? Car's increase efficiencies ? In some cases cars actually save lives ? Oh, so what I hear you saying is that we should evaluate the merits of an idea on a sound and objective evaluations of the facts and not some knee jerk emotional reaction ? OK, I AGREE.
I'm sorry that you wont be voting for me next time. I'll try to manage my disappointment with the fact that my position isn't elected, its appointed. And yes, I do think you should go over my head to the local Congressman. He'll why stop there ? I'd also suggest you contact the White House and the Vatican. While you have them on the line, see if any of them have a few moments to explain 6th grade civics to you. In the meantime I'll be hanging out with my Old Boys Network talking about who we know, not what we know and working on behalf of whatever party you're not affiliated with.
Yes, if you're black whatever I do is all because you're black. Unless you're some other race, than thats the reason. White Christians, just realize that the whole system has been set against you and give up already. In short, nobody gets a break.
Just so you know the official order of meaningless attempts to influence my decision are
a) repeating yourself 4 times,
b) screaming loudly
then
c) hollow threats
And finally......OH YOU'RE A TAXPAYER !!!!!!! You should have said so when you first walked in. Please have a seat and I'll get to you right after the air breathers.
First off, no you may not have a speed bump. I could give you 5 good reasonable reasons why the suggestion is dumb, but you'd ignore all of those and tell me how you saw one someplace else ( that was a speed table..at a crosswalk, btw) and you'll refuse to understand why, so lets just cut to the chase. The answer is no.
You'd like a "children playing" sign on your street ? You mean there are children playing on YOUR street ? Oh you must be so lucky, I don't think that happens anyplace else.
No, if it "saves one child " its still not probably worth it...whatever IT is. If we eliminated all cars then no child would ever be struck by a car. Would that be worth it ? What's that you say ? Car's are also useful for productivity ? Car's increase efficiencies ? In some cases cars actually save lives ? Oh, so what I hear you saying is that we should evaluate the merits of an idea on a sound and objective evaluations of the facts and not some knee jerk emotional reaction ? OK, I AGREE.
I'm sorry that you wont be voting for me next time. I'll try to manage my disappointment with the fact that my position isn't elected, its appointed. And yes, I do think you should go over my head to the local Congressman. He'll why stop there ? I'd also suggest you contact the White House and the Vatican. While you have them on the line, see if any of them have a few moments to explain 6th grade civics to you. In the meantime I'll be hanging out with my Old Boys Network talking about who we know, not what we know and working on behalf of whatever party you're not affiliated with.
Yes, if you're black whatever I do is all because you're black. Unless you're some other race, than thats the reason. White Christians, just realize that the whole system has been set against you and give up already. In short, nobody gets a break.
Just so you know the official order of meaningless attempts to influence my decision are
a) repeating yourself 4 times,
b) screaming loudly
then
c) hollow threats
And finally......OH YOU'RE A TAXPAYER !!!!!!! You should have said so when you first walked in. Please have a seat and I'll get to you right after the air breathers.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
I like this story
How to get picked out of a vegas poker room
Rounding the corner in front of the Flamingo, my friend and I run into Dustin Dirksen, high-stakes online professional and full on LAG-tard.
After the initial hellos and handshakes, Dirksen, beer in hand, jumped straight into his latest Las Vegas story.
At around 2 a.m. on a Monday night, Dirksen and his friend were sitting at a $1/$2 No-Limit table at O'Sheas.
As you would imagine from a player who plays games with a big blind equal to the entire buy-in at a $1/$2 table, he can only play the game for so long until something sticky has to hit the fan.
After some half-a-dozen Newcastles and some ridiculously aggressive action, the two decide to put it all-in and flip for their stacks. Wanting to flip with just his friend, Dirksen asks the entire table if it would be cool for him to pay everyone $2 for them to all fold next hand, letting him and his friend flip unhindered.
Everyone agrees, Dirksen pays the players $2 each and the cards get dealt. Dirksen and his friend push their stacks and the whole table folds to the button who looks down to pocket aces.
Instead of laughing and mucking the aces face up, he announces "call," and moves his chips across the line.
Dirksen, in a state of disbelief, tries some diplomacy and reminds buddy-aces that he agreed to fold, and accepted the $2 to do so. Buddy says he's all in and pushes his chips across the line.
Dirksen, matter of factly, informs the guy "no you're not," and pushes his chips back to the rail.
When buddy moves his chips across the line for the second time, Dirksen's composure starts to go south. Pushing buddy's chips back to the rail a second time, Dirksen tells the guy that he's not all in, and he's going to get punched in the face.
Buddy, whose girlfriend has been sitting behind him the entire time, starts to argue about the hand and the threat, bringing his girlfriend into the mix.
Dirksen, starting to lose it, tells the guy that not only will he punch him in the face, but if he doesn't fold the hand, he'll punch his girlfriend in the face as well.
Perhaps it was the nearby Vegas casino security, or the fact that Dirksen is not a particularly intimidating guy, but buddy-aces was not having any of the physical threats. Unperturbed by the face-punch warnings, buddy pushes his chips across the line for a third time.
The whole scenario being a matter of principal, it was at this moment Dirksen felt he should kick it up a notch.
After informing buddy one more time he's not all in, Dirksen grabs buddy's chips and throws them on the floor. Looking the guy in the eyes, he yells:
"I will knife you in the parking lot."
Regardless of the fact that:
A) He had no knife
B) It was an obviously drunken rage-induced threat
C) O'Sheas doesn't have a parking lot
The passion and persistence (or outright lunacy) of his argument pays off as buddy agrees to fold.
As you can imagine, casino security isn't too fond of players issuing death threats on the casino floor. The floorman and a couple of security guards ask Dirksen to leave the property after his 6-3 offsuit loses the pot.
Rounding the corner in front of the Flamingo, my friend and I run into Dustin Dirksen, high-stakes online professional and full on LAG-tard.
After the initial hellos and handshakes, Dirksen, beer in hand, jumped straight into his latest Las Vegas story.
At around 2 a.m. on a Monday night, Dirksen and his friend were sitting at a $1/$2 No-Limit table at O'Sheas.
As you would imagine from a player who plays games with a big blind equal to the entire buy-in at a $1/$2 table, he can only play the game for so long until something sticky has to hit the fan.
After some half-a-dozen Newcastles and some ridiculously aggressive action, the two decide to put it all-in and flip for their stacks. Wanting to flip with just his friend, Dirksen asks the entire table if it would be cool for him to pay everyone $2 for them to all fold next hand, letting him and his friend flip unhindered.
Everyone agrees, Dirksen pays the players $2 each and the cards get dealt. Dirksen and his friend push their stacks and the whole table folds to the button who looks down to pocket aces.
Instead of laughing and mucking the aces face up, he announces "call," and moves his chips across the line.
Dirksen, in a state of disbelief, tries some diplomacy and reminds buddy-aces that he agreed to fold, and accepted the $2 to do so. Buddy says he's all in and pushes his chips across the line.
Dirksen, matter of factly, informs the guy "no you're not," and pushes his chips back to the rail.
When buddy moves his chips across the line for the second time, Dirksen's composure starts to go south. Pushing buddy's chips back to the rail a second time, Dirksen tells the guy that he's not all in, and he's going to get punched in the face.
Buddy, whose girlfriend has been sitting behind him the entire time, starts to argue about the hand and the threat, bringing his girlfriend into the mix.
Dirksen, starting to lose it, tells the guy that not only will he punch him in the face, but if he doesn't fold the hand, he'll punch his girlfriend in the face as well.
Perhaps it was the nearby Vegas casino security, or the fact that Dirksen is not a particularly intimidating guy, but buddy-aces was not having any of the physical threats. Unperturbed by the face-punch warnings, buddy pushes his chips across the line for a third time.
The whole scenario being a matter of principal, it was at this moment Dirksen felt he should kick it up a notch.
After informing buddy one more time he's not all in, Dirksen grabs buddy's chips and throws them on the floor. Looking the guy in the eyes, he yells:
"I will knife you in the parking lot."
Regardless of the fact that:
A) He had no knife
B) It was an obviously drunken rage-induced threat
C) O'Sheas doesn't have a parking lot
The passion and persistence (or outright lunacy) of his argument pays off as buddy agrees to fold.
As you can imagine, casino security isn't too fond of players issuing death threats on the casino floor. The floorman and a couple of security guards ask Dirksen to leave the property after his 6-3 offsuit loses the pot.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Evil Genius
Lance had someone leak that Andy Schleck might sign for his new team, but that Frank is not invited because he might inhibit his brothers progress.
1. Andy isn't going anywhere since he's contracted through 2010 so the whole thing is a lie at face value.
2. Lance just created, out of thin air, the accusation that somehow Frank is inhibiting Andy's progress...despite the fact that Andy seems to have progress quite well with his brother around him his entire life. This will now be a question that both brothers will be asked over and over and over again, proving to be a distraction.
3. The Saxo Bank team in general will be questioning Andy committment to the team and wondering if there's some truth to the rumor, undermining the teams strength.
Additionally, after Lance spend the entire Tour screwing with Contador, offering him little to no help, turning most of the team against him, and having no unified plan from day one.....Lance Twitters that Contador isn't a team player and is disrespecting the team.....the TEAM mind you, that Lance has already left, the team who's thunder he stole during the tour by having his new team announcement, and the team who's logo's he arranged to have faded.
- he pulled a Karl Rove, just take the thing that you're most guilty of...then accuse your opponent of it. Unreal.
The good news is that no ammount of evil manipulation is going to change the fact that WADA is going to keep testing Lance over and over and over, that he's going to have to ride clean, and that he's going to keep getting the results that he got this year......and there's nothing that eats that bastard up more than being an also-ran.
1. Andy isn't going anywhere since he's contracted through 2010 so the whole thing is a lie at face value.
2. Lance just created, out of thin air, the accusation that somehow Frank is inhibiting Andy's progress...despite the fact that Andy seems to have progress quite well with his brother around him his entire life. This will now be a question that both brothers will be asked over and over and over again, proving to be a distraction.
3. The Saxo Bank team in general will be questioning Andy committment to the team and wondering if there's some truth to the rumor, undermining the teams strength.
Additionally, after Lance spend the entire Tour screwing with Contador, offering him little to no help, turning most of the team against him, and having no unified plan from day one.....Lance Twitters that Contador isn't a team player and is disrespecting the team.....the TEAM mind you, that Lance has already left, the team who's thunder he stole during the tour by having his new team announcement, and the team who's logo's he arranged to have faded.
- he pulled a Karl Rove, just take the thing that you're most guilty of...then accuse your opponent of it. Unreal.
The good news is that no ammount of evil manipulation is going to change the fact that WADA is going to keep testing Lance over and over and over, that he's going to have to ride clean, and that he's going to keep getting the results that he got this year......and there's nothing that eats that bastard up more than being an also-ran.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
bye bye love
At the time that Alberto Contador and Astana are supposed to be taking advantage of the publicity and value in winning the biggest bike race in the world, Lance steals the spotlight by redirecting all of that attention to an announcement that he is starting a new team.
Lance is the kind of girl who would wear white to someone else's wedding.
But today will be a day of reconning. Expect to see Contador helping Frank Schleck or Kloden move into third place, and watch Lance get bumped off the podium.
Plus there's no way that Lance can climb the Vonteaux quickly with Bob Roll's giant retarded head up his ass.
Lance is the kind of girl who would wear white to someone else's wedding.
But today will be a day of reconning. Expect to see Contador helping Frank Schleck or Kloden move into third place, and watch Lance get bumped off the podium.
Plus there's no way that Lance can climb the Vonteaux quickly with Bob Roll's giant retarded head up his ass.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
or so I've heard
Being in a race with half fitness is like being in a strip club without any singles.
Have we learned nothing ?
There is a disconnect between the way that I think and the way that the people who sell cars, houses, and loans think. Unfortunately, that disconnect triggers the need for me to punch someone in the face so quickly that its never afforded me enough time to work past it.
Previous attempts to purchase such items have resulted in me walking out of closings, insulting people, and in one instance threats of physical violence.
I think the problem is that most people walk into the office with the mentality, " I can afford $xxx.xx per month, what can I buy", and so that's the only position from which the lenders/sellers are used to working.
So I ask questions like, " How much is that car ?" and they reply, " How much are you looking to pay a month", then I flip out.
Recently I've been attempting to refinance my mortgage to no avail.
I have one mortgage with 7 years left on it, and a second, much smaller mortgage, with something like 20 years on it. What I'd like to do is combine those two loans into one loan. The questions I have are rather simple;
1) What's the rate I can get on a fixed mortgage for a 10 year term
2) If I accept that rate, what the comparison between what I'll pay over that 10 year year ( total money paid) versus what I'm going to pay under my current arrangement. NOT EACH MONTH....TOTAL !
3) If a lower rate is offered by me paying a point or two, what does paying the point save me over the length of the loan ?
See I don't see how any of that is difficult.
I can provide the ammts and terms of the loan I currently have.
I have excellent/perfect credit
I meet all the wage and home equity requirements.
You don't need my social security number.
You don't need to know how much I'm willing to pay.
You don't need how much money I have in the bank or where or I work or any other personal information.
If the information you provide looks like its a good deal for me, then we can go through all that stuff...just give me the numbers.
WHY WONT YOU GIVE ME THE NUMBERS !?
Previous attempts to purchase such items have resulted in me walking out of closings, insulting people, and in one instance threats of physical violence.
I think the problem is that most people walk into the office with the mentality, " I can afford $xxx.xx per month, what can I buy", and so that's the only position from which the lenders/sellers are used to working.
So I ask questions like, " How much is that car ?" and they reply, " How much are you looking to pay a month", then I flip out.
Recently I've been attempting to refinance my mortgage to no avail.
I have one mortgage with 7 years left on it, and a second, much smaller mortgage, with something like 20 years on it. What I'd like to do is combine those two loans into one loan. The questions I have are rather simple;
1) What's the rate I can get on a fixed mortgage for a 10 year term
2) If I accept that rate, what the comparison between what I'll pay over that 10 year year ( total money paid) versus what I'm going to pay under my current arrangement. NOT EACH MONTH....TOTAL !
3) If a lower rate is offered by me paying a point or two, what does paying the point save me over the length of the loan ?
See I don't see how any of that is difficult.
I can provide the ammts and terms of the loan I currently have.
I have excellent/perfect credit
I meet all the wage and home equity requirements.
You don't need my social security number.
You don't need to know how much I'm willing to pay.
You don't need how much money I have in the bank or where or I work or any other personal information.
If the information you provide looks like its a good deal for me, then we can go through all that stuff...just give me the numbers.
WHY WONT YOU GIVE ME THE NUMBERS !?
Monday, July 20, 2009
super pissed
I'm totally fired up.
I took a half day today to take my son to his golf tournament and the little shit just mailed it in.
No effort.
On his final shot he putted it in the hole without even taking the flag out, which (and he knows this) is a two stroke penalty.
I was seriously contemplating drowning him in the pond right there, but another father talked me out of it. He didn't disagree with the idea in general, but thought that there were far too many people around for me to possibly get away with it.
Goddamn I'm pissed.
I took a half day today to take my son to his golf tournament and the little shit just mailed it in.
No effort.
On his final shot he putted it in the hole without even taking the flag out, which (and he knows this) is a two stroke penalty.
I was seriously contemplating drowning him in the pond right there, but another father talked me out of it. He didn't disagree with the idea in general, but thought that there were far too many people around for me to possibly get away with it.
Goddamn I'm pissed.
what the hell is going on ?
Can anyone explain yesterdays stage to me ?
Saxo were driving it into the climb. That much I get. They have the best climbers and they think that by making it hard and positioning their guys, that they'll have the best chance of taking advantage of a climb that wasn't really all that hard on its own.
But when Saxo absolutely drilling it, why would Milram come to the front ? And what the hell was Liquigas doing. Neither of those guys have a dominent climber. And if someone is already doing the race, why contribute ? The reponsibility of doing the work was on Astana, Saxo, or maybe even Ag2R. And neither team really did much of anything except get their jerseys on TV for the 3 minutes they were pulling anyway. Maybe that was the point.
Then the attacks started and things got really weird. COntador attacked, and Armstrong !!! pulled him back. The when Contador and A. Schleck got away it was (first) Kloden and Armstrong leading the chasing group behind. And eventually F. Schleck attacked and effectively helped two other riders close the gap to his brother. With Garmin, Liquigas and Columbia riders all in that group, why the hell would the two teams with guys up the road initiate the action ? Baffling !!!
Then after the stage Armstrong, who might be in better position for the overall than before, conceeds the race. If Contador crashes, gets sick or has a bad day, Armstrong is poised to win this thing and is already starting to pack his bags.
Oh yeah, can yesterdays stage finally end this nonsense about Evans being a grand tour contender ? I mean really.
Saxo were driving it into the climb. That much I get. They have the best climbers and they think that by making it hard and positioning their guys, that they'll have the best chance of taking advantage of a climb that wasn't really all that hard on its own.
But when Saxo absolutely drilling it, why would Milram come to the front ? And what the hell was Liquigas doing. Neither of those guys have a dominent climber. And if someone is already doing the race, why contribute ? The reponsibility of doing the work was on Astana, Saxo, or maybe even Ag2R. And neither team really did much of anything except get their jerseys on TV for the 3 minutes they were pulling anyway. Maybe that was the point.
Then the attacks started and things got really weird. COntador attacked, and Armstrong !!! pulled him back. The when Contador and A. Schleck got away it was (first) Kloden and Armstrong leading the chasing group behind. And eventually F. Schleck attacked and effectively helped two other riders close the gap to his brother. With Garmin, Liquigas and Columbia riders all in that group, why the hell would the two teams with guys up the road initiate the action ? Baffling !!!
Then after the stage Armstrong, who might be in better position for the overall than before, conceeds the race. If Contador crashes, gets sick or has a bad day, Armstrong is poised to win this thing and is already starting to pack his bags.
Oh yeah, can yesterdays stage finally end this nonsense about Evans being a grand tour contender ? I mean really.
Friday, July 17, 2009
The angry wife
You know how you can have a disagreement with a buddy, but then you patch it up and all is forgotten...EXCEPT...while your buddy has gotten over it, his wife still gives you the cold shoulder whenever she sees you and wont let it go ?
That's what I think of whenever I see Frankie Andreu interview Levi "the garden gnome" Leipheimer.
I just found out that Leipheimer dropped out of the Tour last night. Big deal.
He's perhaps the worst bike driver out there, falling over in straight aways, finding himself out of position in the splits, and generally getting in the way.
He hasn't produced a result in any race of significance pretty much ever, and the limited result he has had have come about as a result of him following wheels and never taking the inititative ( the coverted Tour of California excluded of course).
Bye Levi, don't let the door hit you in your bruised and road rashed ass.
That's what I think of whenever I see Frankie Andreu interview Levi "the garden gnome" Leipheimer.
I just found out that Leipheimer dropped out of the Tour last night. Big deal.
He's perhaps the worst bike driver out there, falling over in straight aways, finding himself out of position in the splits, and generally getting in the way.
He hasn't produced a result in any race of significance pretty much ever, and the limited result he has had have come about as a result of him following wheels and never taking the inititative ( the coverted Tour of California excluded of course).
Bye Levi, don't let the door hit you in your bruised and road rashed ass.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Saturday, July 04, 2009
typo
Typos worse than usual yesterday due to typing under duress.
Yes kids are here. The boy also won his age group for the mini-golf...twice...and beat me the one time. I haven't heard the end of it since. I'm considering drowning him, but he swims etter than me too.
4th of July at the Jersey shore is like Christmas for North Jersey drunks. After a quiet week almost alone, it started yesterday...Guidofest 2009 "Fuhgetabadit!"
Its kinda weird, all the chicks are super hot and all the dudes are superbuff, like life down here is one giant Abacrombie commercial...right up until someone opens their mouth, then is sounds like a Mid-West high school production of West Side Story.
" Hey Tony, whadafuck choose dewin tanide ?" - And that was one of the chicks !
It kinda reminds me of the old karate films where the voiceovers dont match the mouths.
Anyway, Happy 4th to you. Pitch a horseshoe for me and try not to burn off any hair grilling.
Yes kids are here. The boy also won his age group for the mini-golf...twice...and beat me the one time. I haven't heard the end of it since. I'm considering drowning him, but he swims etter than me too.
4th of July at the Jersey shore is like Christmas for North Jersey drunks. After a quiet week almost alone, it started yesterday...Guidofest 2009 "Fuhgetabadit!"
Its kinda weird, all the chicks are super hot and all the dudes are superbuff, like life down here is one giant Abacrombie commercial...right up until someone opens their mouth, then is sounds like a Mid-West high school production of West Side Story.
" Hey Tony, whadafuck choose dewin tanide ?" - And that was one of the chicks !
It kinda reminds me of the old karate films where the voiceovers dont match the mouths.
Anyway, Happy 4th to you. Pitch a horseshoe for me and try not to burn off any hair grilling.
Friday, July 03, 2009
limited access
Seems like the only way I can get online is if I stand in the middle of the road with the laptop in one hand and a wire coat hanger with a ball of aluminum foil on the end in the other hand. And its tough to type when you're dodging cars and looking like a junk yard statue of liberty.
Almost one week down and all members of the family still alive, no stiches or broken bones.
Highlights so far.
- I yell at some old lady at the Taj on Monday night. I'm not sure if it was the same old lady that I yelled at two years ago at the Trop, but just in case I ended my tirade with " ..and I thought we covered this the last time I yelled at you at the Trop !". She left 5 hands later.
- Some old Puerto Rican dude tried to hit me with his cane. I honestly have no idea what I did. We were playing 2-4 limit holdem, he made a bet, I folded, then he started screaming and weilding his cane in a quite aggressive way. He was yelling in incoherant Spanish. I odered him a rum and coke which he refused to drink out of spite.
- I won a minature golf tournament, hitting a hole in one in the first playoff hole....against a stoned 16 year old kid. I've been shopping all week for a big gold chain to hand the trophy from for when I go back next week to defend my title. ( and yes I yelled suck it when I sunk the ace to win the match)
- I haven't been drunk yet - and I've exercised every day. I plan on revesing both those trends in about 15 minutes. When I'm nice and hammered I plan on drunk dialing Stick and yelling at him in incherant Spanish.
Almost one week down and all members of the family still alive, no stiches or broken bones.
Highlights so far.
- I yell at some old lady at the Taj on Monday night. I'm not sure if it was the same old lady that I yelled at two years ago at the Trop, but just in case I ended my tirade with " ..and I thought we covered this the last time I yelled at you at the Trop !". She left 5 hands later.
- Some old Puerto Rican dude tried to hit me with his cane. I honestly have no idea what I did. We were playing 2-4 limit holdem, he made a bet, I folded, then he started screaming and weilding his cane in a quite aggressive way. He was yelling in incoherant Spanish. I odered him a rum and coke which he refused to drink out of spite.
- I won a minature golf tournament, hitting a hole in one in the first playoff hole....against a stoned 16 year old kid. I've been shopping all week for a big gold chain to hand the trophy from for when I go back next week to defend my title. ( and yes I yelled suck it when I sunk the ace to win the match)
- I haven't been drunk yet - and I've exercised every day. I plan on revesing both those trends in about 15 minutes. When I'm nice and hammered I plan on drunk dialing Stick and yelling at him in incherant Spanish.
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