another lyrical title another day.
Here's the transcript from last night's poker game. I'm sure this makes me a bad man.
ME: Holy Shit !
A: what
ME: Holy Shit !
A: huh ? what wrong ?
ME: I didn't put a diaper on S. and she peed on the floor...and T. was carrying the laundry to the stairs and slipped and fell in it !!!!!!!!
A: Is she ok ?
ME: I don't know, I think so...ummmm, she sounds a little roughed up but she must have fallen into the puddle because she's really really pissed.
ME: pissed..ahhahah
A: What are you doing still playing poker ?
ME: I dunno, it's keeping me from laughing
Freaking spammers got me again yesterday. Now it's gotten personal. Initiating posting verification. If this doesn't work I'm going to resort to kicking people in the nuts. Preferably the people responsible.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Spammed
You may have noticed that the comment section of my last post got spammed. I changed the setting so that you have to be a registered blogger to comment.
If someone is going to sell penis extention pills on my blog, the least they could do is toss me a couple of bucks...or pills.
If someone is going to sell penis extention pills on my blog, the least they could do is toss me a couple of bucks...or pills.
A- Always, B- Be, C- Closing
http://www.moviewavs.com/Movies/Glengarry_Glen_Ross.shtml
moviewaves.com a great site. You can find just about any quote in a pinch.
Here are a couple of cool things on the internet that actually work !
MoveLink.com ( www.movielink.com )- Tried this for the first time last week. My kids were jonesing for a movie and I didn't want to load them all up in the car and drive to Blockbuster at 8 o'clock at night. I set up an account in less than 5 minutes and had them watching the Muppet Movie in less than 10. The movies can be a little pricey with new releases at $4.95 and they have a limited number of titles, but the technology works very well. You have rights to the movie for 24 hours with the option of adding additional viewing days at 99 cents per day.
MusicMatch Jukebox ( www.musicmatch.com) - I previously had a very limited music collection and I was able to solve that problem in one fell swoop. I'm a subscriber of their On Demand service. $7 bucks a month gets me their full catalog of a billion songs. I have it loaded on my work computer and all my home computers and laptop. The songs cannot be downloaded to a portable device under my terms of service, but that is an option. They also allow you to purchase songs or albums ala ITunes. I give musicmatch an A+ for ease of use as well as a selection that includes every genre of music as well as comedy albums and other extras. For Elivis Costello fans...nothing available pre-1990. For Dave Matthews fans...find something new to listen to.
www.mail2web.com - Best part of this one...it's FREE ! This allows you to access your POP mail with a web browser. This can be a real asset if your someone without your computer or laptop and need to check something besides your yahoo acct. The company also has a simple to use news reader at www.news2web.com
moviewaves.com a great site. You can find just about any quote in a pinch.
Here are a couple of cool things on the internet that actually work !
MoveLink.com ( www.movielink.com )- Tried this for the first time last week. My kids were jonesing for a movie and I didn't want to load them all up in the car and drive to Blockbuster at 8 o'clock at night. I set up an account in less than 5 minutes and had them watching the Muppet Movie in less than 10. The movies can be a little pricey with new releases at $4.95 and they have a limited number of titles, but the technology works very well. You have rights to the movie for 24 hours with the option of adding additional viewing days at 99 cents per day.
MusicMatch Jukebox ( www.musicmatch.com) - I previously had a very limited music collection and I was able to solve that problem in one fell swoop. I'm a subscriber of their On Demand service. $7 bucks a month gets me their full catalog of a billion songs. I have it loaded on my work computer and all my home computers and laptop. The songs cannot be downloaded to a portable device under my terms of service, but that is an option. They also allow you to purchase songs or albums ala ITunes. I give musicmatch an A+ for ease of use as well as a selection that includes every genre of music as well as comedy albums and other extras. For Elivis Costello fans...nothing available pre-1990. For Dave Matthews fans...find something new to listen to.
www.mail2web.com - Best part of this one...it's FREE ! This allows you to access your POP mail with a web browser. This can be a real asset if your someone without your computer or laptop and need to check something besides your yahoo acct. The company also has a simple to use news reader at www.news2web.com
Monday, August 29, 2005
I didn't even have to use my AK
2 pts if you get the reference without having to google it.
Anyway, what a great weekend. It's getting tougher and tougher to be a cynic anymore. Middle America is catching on to the the whole Bush scam, reality TV has petered out, and then you have a weekend like I just had. From friday until today I...
(Let's start with the best)... saw little kids playing musical chairs. Attended a little kids pool party AND a very cool, old school birthday party. Without getting ridiculously sentimental let me just say that watching a dozen kids squeel with glee for two hours might be the solution...to everything.
...Played a fun game a volleyball that saw bodies and balls flying and miraculously not one beer spilled.
... went fishing twice. One of the times included paddling a canoe around an island in the Susquehanna.
... Played in a golf outing on a really terrible team that somehow shot a 74.
... Was drunk sober and drunk again with only the smallest hint of a hangover.
... spent 50% of the time in my pajamas.
Somehow my life is turning into summer camp.
Anyone need a potholder or ashtray ?
Anyway, what a great weekend. It's getting tougher and tougher to be a cynic anymore. Middle America is catching on to the the whole Bush scam, reality TV has petered out, and then you have a weekend like I just had. From friday until today I...
(Let's start with the best)... saw little kids playing musical chairs. Attended a little kids pool party AND a very cool, old school birthday party. Without getting ridiculously sentimental let me just say that watching a dozen kids squeel with glee for two hours might be the solution...to everything.
...Played a fun game a volleyball that saw bodies and balls flying and miraculously not one beer spilled.
... went fishing twice. One of the times included paddling a canoe around an island in the Susquehanna.
... Played in a golf outing on a really terrible team that somehow shot a 74.
... Was drunk sober and drunk again with only the smallest hint of a hangover.
... spent 50% of the time in my pajamas.
Somehow my life is turning into summer camp.
Anyone need a potholder or ashtray ?
Friday, August 26, 2005
Golfing Tips
I played in a golf outing yesterday. Outing are usually pretty interesting in that they often combine excellent golfers with guys who play once a year. This brings together a broad variety of talent, etiquette, and personalities. That mix can either be the source of angst or the source of great entertainment depending on how you approach the game. To those ends I offer up some advice for the Scramble/Outing golfer.
* Don't cheat. Seems simple enough, but I've seen people cheat at these things. You're not going to endear yourself to your playing partners or the general public if you cheat at a cancer benefit in order to win a t-shirt or a sleeve of balls. The only thing lower than cheating at golf is cheating at charity golf.
* Have fun. Most people suck at golf, it's just a matter of degrees. Don't be embarrassed by your play. Try your best, but if you hit the ball and it goes 200 yards straight up and 30 yards out, laugh...it is funny. Tossing you clubs or swearing just makes you look like an ass.
* On the strategy end of things, always have the rotation go from worst to best golfer. Even if you're not the best player you can be a tremendous asset to the better players by either showing them the line on a putt or by hitting a fairly good shot that allows them the freedom to attempt a risky shot. Talk to your partners about how you're approaching the hole. Part of the fun of a scramble is that it's a team event and cooperative play helps everyone contribute and adds to the fun of the day.
* For the inexperienced golfer....straight is 10x more important than far. Women make better beginner golfers than men. Women are concerned with keeping things between the lines, while men concern themselves with hitting the ball as hard as they can. 300 yards is impressive...but 300 yards into the woods is useless. You'll enjoy the game more by taking a half or 3/4th swing, making solid contact, and keeping the ball in play. As you gain confidence, you can add to the power. And your playing partners will not think you're a pussy, they'll appreciate having a ball in decent position that allows them to play with less pressure to perform.
* Forget trying to fix anything about your swing while your playing. Just swing. If your set-up is right, then just swing with a good tempo and let it go where it will. The ONLY thing that I would suggest people make a conscious effort to work on while they play is their BALANCE. At address weight should be slightly on your toes. At the finish of the swing you should be balanced with most weight on your front foot. If you've finished with the weight forward and are able to hold a balanced position and aren't stumbling all over the tee box, you'll hit the ball well 8 or 10 times.
* The #1 error that beginning players make around the greens is the check swing. From 50 yards in, the follow through is MORE important than any other part of the swing. My best advice for the new golfer is this....never bend your front elbow. Treat everything inside of 50 yards as a giant putt. make a short, smooth backswing and a long steady follow through. Sweep the grass, do not try to pick the ball or scoop the ball. The long putt strategy works every time.
* Learn some basic etiquette. The most notable errors are...don't drive the cart on or around the greens, don't walk in the line of the putt, don't talk when people are hitting, and DO NOT tee the ball up AHEAD of the tee markers.
* Oh yeah....while you might think that you are being clever, there are a handful of things that you shouldn't say because they make you seem like a super-duper asshole. For some reason, that doesn't stop at least one person from doing this every time I play
- Don't say " does your husband play" or " nice hit Sally" or any derivation of that when someone hits a putt short. The guy putting wasn't trying to hit it short ! Not only are you insulting his effort, but your challenging his manhood. Don't be a dick
- If someone hits the ball short of the ladies tee, don't bring up the thing about them having to play the hole with their dick out of their pants. It's stupid. As with the above, it's insulting. Additionally, it stopped being funny 100,000 times ago.
- Caddyshack, while among the greatest movies of all time, is also the most misquoted movie of all time. It's also the most overquoted movie of all time. If you're going to use a caddyshack quote, choose something that doesn't use the words " lumberyard" , " Cinderella", or " bejesus"
- Please don't be patronizing to players. Encouragement works great...but people are neither blind or stupid. No one is more aware of how bad they are than the golfer himself....no need to try and bullshit him.
Lastly, recognize the fact that the point of the outing and the scramble is to socialize and have fun. The golf is secondary. Use the day as an opportunity to have fun with your playing partners. If you can't have fun on the golf course, especially on a weekday afternoon, then you probably have issues bigger than your golf game.
* Don't cheat. Seems simple enough, but I've seen people cheat at these things. You're not going to endear yourself to your playing partners or the general public if you cheat at a cancer benefit in order to win a t-shirt or a sleeve of balls. The only thing lower than cheating at golf is cheating at charity golf.
* Have fun. Most people suck at golf, it's just a matter of degrees. Don't be embarrassed by your play. Try your best, but if you hit the ball and it goes 200 yards straight up and 30 yards out, laugh...it is funny. Tossing you clubs or swearing just makes you look like an ass.
* On the strategy end of things, always have the rotation go from worst to best golfer. Even if you're not the best player you can be a tremendous asset to the better players by either showing them the line on a putt or by hitting a fairly good shot that allows them the freedom to attempt a risky shot. Talk to your partners about how you're approaching the hole. Part of the fun of a scramble is that it's a team event and cooperative play helps everyone contribute and adds to the fun of the day.
* For the inexperienced golfer....straight is 10x more important than far. Women make better beginner golfers than men. Women are concerned with keeping things between the lines, while men concern themselves with hitting the ball as hard as they can. 300 yards is impressive...but 300 yards into the woods is useless. You'll enjoy the game more by taking a half or 3/4th swing, making solid contact, and keeping the ball in play. As you gain confidence, you can add to the power. And your playing partners will not think you're a pussy, they'll appreciate having a ball in decent position that allows them to play with less pressure to perform.
* Forget trying to fix anything about your swing while your playing. Just swing. If your set-up is right, then just swing with a good tempo and let it go where it will. The ONLY thing that I would suggest people make a conscious effort to work on while they play is their BALANCE. At address weight should be slightly on your toes. At the finish of the swing you should be balanced with most weight on your front foot. If you've finished with the weight forward and are able to hold a balanced position and aren't stumbling all over the tee box, you'll hit the ball well 8 or 10 times.
* The #1 error that beginning players make around the greens is the check swing. From 50 yards in, the follow through is MORE important than any other part of the swing. My best advice for the new golfer is this....never bend your front elbow. Treat everything inside of 50 yards as a giant putt. make a short, smooth backswing and a long steady follow through. Sweep the grass, do not try to pick the ball or scoop the ball. The long putt strategy works every time.
* Learn some basic etiquette. The most notable errors are...don't drive the cart on or around the greens, don't walk in the line of the putt, don't talk when people are hitting, and DO NOT tee the ball up AHEAD of the tee markers.
* Oh yeah....while you might think that you are being clever, there are a handful of things that you shouldn't say because they make you seem like a super-duper asshole. For some reason, that doesn't stop at least one person from doing this every time I play
- Don't say " does your husband play" or " nice hit Sally" or any derivation of that when someone hits a putt short. The guy putting wasn't trying to hit it short ! Not only are you insulting his effort, but your challenging his manhood. Don't be a dick
- If someone hits the ball short of the ladies tee, don't bring up the thing about them having to play the hole with their dick out of their pants. It's stupid. As with the above, it's insulting. Additionally, it stopped being funny 100,000 times ago.
- Caddyshack, while among the greatest movies of all time, is also the most misquoted movie of all time. It's also the most overquoted movie of all time. If you're going to use a caddyshack quote, choose something that doesn't use the words " lumberyard" , " Cinderella", or " bejesus"
- Please don't be patronizing to players. Encouragement works great...but people are neither blind or stupid. No one is more aware of how bad they are than the golfer himself....no need to try and bullshit him.
Lastly, recognize the fact that the point of the outing and the scramble is to socialize and have fun. The golf is secondary. Use the day as an opportunity to have fun with your playing partners. If you can't have fun on the golf course, especially on a weekday afternoon, then you probably have issues bigger than your golf game.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
NOT about genitalia
For years I worked at a municipal golf course. Those places go a long way to explaining how Brian Doyle Murray came up with the idea of Caddyshack. In any given season so many odd things happen that you just start to assume that the bizarre is commonplace.
A couple that come immediately to mind.
* Public course are renowned for bad play and slow play. Occasionally you get a guy who thinks that his $10 greens fees entitles him to the same pace and quality of play that he sees on TV or at the local country club. These guys bitch and moan and complain and generally being down the level of fun for the rest of the guys out there in t-shirts, cut off jeans, and a cooler of beer. Every once in a while those worlds collide. After having words on a couple of tee boxes a frustrated tiger-wannabe became insistent that the drunken construction worker let him play through. The construction worker, for the third time told him NO and that if persisted in hassling his group that an ass whooping might be in his future. Tiger Jr. being and asshole...and at this point an outsized asshole picked up a golf club and raised it in a threatening manner. The construction worked laughed...walked over to his bag...pulled out a handgun and said " you wanna play through now motherfucker ?"
* A fellow employee had a reputation for being a bit lazy and perhaps smoking a little weed on company time. He would often get in the utility cart and drive around pretending to do work avoiding having to interact with any of the golfers. One afternoon an elderly man was escorted off the course, with the help of his playing partners, covered in blood. The golfer had fallen on a bridge and smashed his face. To further upset the group they said " Benny was laying there all bloody and knocked out and your worker drove right past him without stopping to help. We tried to flag him down and he just made a gesture and drove off" After dealing with the situation I went and found Joe back in the garage. "What the hell happened out there ?' I asked. " I dunno, I saw the dude laying face first on the bridge, but his arm was in the water....I just assumed he was fishing around for a lost ball. And I thought the other dudes were waving hello. "
A couple that come immediately to mind.
* Public course are renowned for bad play and slow play. Occasionally you get a guy who thinks that his $10 greens fees entitles him to the same pace and quality of play that he sees on TV or at the local country club. These guys bitch and moan and complain and generally being down the level of fun for the rest of the guys out there in t-shirts, cut off jeans, and a cooler of beer. Every once in a while those worlds collide. After having words on a couple of tee boxes a frustrated tiger-wannabe became insistent that the drunken construction worker let him play through. The construction worker, for the third time told him NO and that if persisted in hassling his group that an ass whooping might be in his future. Tiger Jr. being and asshole...and at this point an outsized asshole picked up a golf club and raised it in a threatening manner. The construction worked laughed...walked over to his bag...pulled out a handgun and said " you wanna play through now motherfucker ?"
* A fellow employee had a reputation for being a bit lazy and perhaps smoking a little weed on company time. He would often get in the utility cart and drive around pretending to do work avoiding having to interact with any of the golfers. One afternoon an elderly man was escorted off the course, with the help of his playing partners, covered in blood. The golfer had fallen on a bridge and smashed his face. To further upset the group they said " Benny was laying there all bloody and knocked out and your worker drove right past him without stopping to help. We tried to flag him down and he just made a gesture and drove off" After dealing with the situation I went and found Joe back in the garage. "What the hell happened out there ?' I asked. " I dunno, I saw the dude laying face first on the bridge, but his arm was in the water....I just assumed he was fishing around for a lost ball. And I thought the other dudes were waving hello. "
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Neat
Coincidences are neat. I just had this conversation with a friend and then came across this cartoon.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=604
I had a tendency to agree with the orange T-Rex until I used uttered the phrase:
" I yanked my briefs up to my nipples to control the swelling in my ballsack while I played Settlers of Cantan"
And I realized that I was the first person in the history of mankind to use those words in that combination. It made me think that perhaps I was wrong and that anything is possible.... that 100,000 monkey at typewriters or whatever the fuck it is actually could write whatever it is there suppose to write.
Point is...I think that maybe the proof of the eternal nature of the universe might actually be found in the plumbing of my left nut.
HOLY SHIT, I JUST DID IT AGAIN !
http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=604
I had a tendency to agree with the orange T-Rex until I used uttered the phrase:
" I yanked my briefs up to my nipples to control the swelling in my ballsack while I played Settlers of Cantan"
And I realized that I was the first person in the history of mankind to use those words in that combination. It made me think that perhaps I was wrong and that anything is possible.... that 100,000 monkey at typewriters or whatever the fuck it is actually could write whatever it is there suppose to write.
Point is...I think that maybe the proof of the eternal nature of the universe might actually be found in the plumbing of my left nut.
HOLY SHIT, I JUST DID IT AGAIN !
Diagnosis
" What it looks like Bill, is that you have a vericose vein in your testicle"
" A WHAT !?!~"
" A vericose vein...like you get in your leg"
" In my nutsack ?"
" Well, aaaaa, in your left testicle...yes"
" So what does that mean ?"
" It means that a valve in the vein fails and under pressure you have blood pooling can that's causing swelling"
" I have backflow in my ballsack ?"
" well.....aaaaa....an interesting choice of words but for our purposes I suppose that's accurrate enough."
" JESUS ! Can't you do something about it ? They fix those things in people's legs"
" You'd like me to strip a vein in your scrotum ?"
" um....not if you put it that way...but will it help ?"
"no"
" Well what they hell can I do Doc. This thing hurts. It's like having a toothache in my dingle sack"
" Take some ibuprofin and keep the testicles secure for a week or two and the swelling should go down. You can't cure the problem, but once the swelling goes down the discomfort should leave as well. This may flair up from time to time, but in general you should be fine."
" OK...what exactly do you mean 'keep the testicles secure' ?"
" You should wear an athletic supporter for the next couple of weeks"
" A jockstrap ?! You want me to wear a jockstrap for the next couple of weeks ?"
" yes"
" No way. No f-ing way. Go ahead and cut my nuts of Doc, that will be fine."
" Huh ?"
" I'm not wearing a jockstrap. I didn't wear a jockstrap when I played basketball so I sure as hell am not wearing one now. How you ever had one of those things on ? I'm pretty sure that if I wear a jockstrap 24 hours a day for the next two weeks that it will finally push me over the edge and I'll start hanging around the bus station bathroom and listening to Simply Red CDs"
" I'm not sure I understand what...."
" Don't worry about it....all I'm saying is that I have no interest in programming in Will and Grace on my TIVO...is there anything else I can do...what about briefs instead of boxers. What if I buy some brief that are a little small for me or something like that ?"
" aaaaa, I suppose if you are adverse to the athletic supporter that might be a reasonable alternative"
" GREAT ! Thanks doc"
So while my co-workers that I'm sitting here (comfortably) working furiously, what they fail to realize is that I'm actually very uncomfortably sitting here blogging away with my nutsack filled with back flow and my underpants hiked up around my nipples.
Things are not always what they seem.
" A WHAT !?!~"
" A vericose vein...like you get in your leg"
" In my nutsack ?"
" Well, aaaaa, in your left testicle...yes"
" So what does that mean ?"
" It means that a valve in the vein fails and under pressure you have blood pooling can that's causing swelling"
" I have backflow in my ballsack ?"
" well.....aaaaa....an interesting choice of words but for our purposes I suppose that's accurrate enough."
" JESUS ! Can't you do something about it ? They fix those things in people's legs"
" You'd like me to strip a vein in your scrotum ?"
" um....not if you put it that way...but will it help ?"
"no"
" Well what they hell can I do Doc. This thing hurts. It's like having a toothache in my dingle sack"
" Take some ibuprofin and keep the testicles secure for a week or two and the swelling should go down. You can't cure the problem, but once the swelling goes down the discomfort should leave as well. This may flair up from time to time, but in general you should be fine."
" OK...what exactly do you mean 'keep the testicles secure' ?"
" You should wear an athletic supporter for the next couple of weeks"
" A jockstrap ?! You want me to wear a jockstrap for the next couple of weeks ?"
" yes"
" No way. No f-ing way. Go ahead and cut my nuts of Doc, that will be fine."
" Huh ?"
" I'm not wearing a jockstrap. I didn't wear a jockstrap when I played basketball so I sure as hell am not wearing one now. How you ever had one of those things on ? I'm pretty sure that if I wear a jockstrap 24 hours a day for the next two weeks that it will finally push me over the edge and I'll start hanging around the bus station bathroom and listening to Simply Red CDs"
" I'm not sure I understand what...."
" Don't worry about it....all I'm saying is that I have no interest in programming in Will and Grace on my TIVO...is there anything else I can do...what about briefs instead of boxers. What if I buy some brief that are a little small for me or something like that ?"
" aaaaa, I suppose if you are adverse to the athletic supporter that might be a reasonable alternative"
" GREAT ! Thanks doc"
So while my co-workers that I'm sitting here (comfortably) working furiously, what they fail to realize is that I'm actually very uncomfortably sitting here blogging away with my nutsack filled with back flow and my underpants hiked up around my nipples.
Things are not always what they seem.
Monday, August 22, 2005
Questions and....errr...answers ?
Warning - The following contains an observation that, if you've never noticed it before, may drive you insane. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, so read at your own risk.
I've recently become aware of the fact that women are unable to answer your question. They can and often do provide _an answer_ but are unable to provide an answer to the question that _you_ asked.
For instance... when asked something such as
- " What time does the movie start"
you'll typically get an answer similar to
- " We're meeting for dinner at 5:30"
Or go ahead and ask
- " what time are you coming home"
and you'll get
- " we have 4 stores to go to"
Go ahead and give it a try. Right now go ahead and ask any woman in earshot a simple question that requires a specific answer ( yes/no answers may not achieve the same effect) and see what you get.....go ahead.....SEE ! Freaky ins't it ?
Now go ahead and listen to two women talk...it's weirder yet. Since noticing this I've started paying attention and at times I'm stunned that they're able to comminicate with each other at all. I've sat and watched two women hold a 10 minute conversation without once making a direct reference to the same topic as the person they're conversing with....and then the two of them walked away completely understanding each other !?!?!
I'm starting to thing that it's a code they learn ( taught in the bathroom or in brazier shops or something) to keep us confused an uniformed. If so, it really is a waste as most of us don't pay attention to what they're saying half the time anyway.
Thank you to the well wishers from my problem of last Friday. There's still no resolution to the matter. I'm off to the doctor today for a cure. I hope to find some relief as it's getting pretty tough to hold a train of though and the constant dull ache is leaving me a bit confused. It's sort of like being high....if you replaced the really good feeling with your nuts hurting that is.
I've recently become aware of the fact that women are unable to answer your question. They can and often do provide _an answer_ but are unable to provide an answer to the question that _you_ asked.
For instance... when asked something such as
- " What time does the movie start"
you'll typically get an answer similar to
- " We're meeting for dinner at 5:30"
Or go ahead and ask
- " what time are you coming home"
and you'll get
- " we have 4 stores to go to"
Go ahead and give it a try. Right now go ahead and ask any woman in earshot a simple question that requires a specific answer ( yes/no answers may not achieve the same effect) and see what you get.....go ahead.....SEE ! Freaky ins't it ?
Now go ahead and listen to two women talk...it's weirder yet. Since noticing this I've started paying attention and at times I'm stunned that they're able to comminicate with each other at all. I've sat and watched two women hold a 10 minute conversation without once making a direct reference to the same topic as the person they're conversing with....and then the two of them walked away completely understanding each other !?!?!
I'm starting to thing that it's a code they learn ( taught in the bathroom or in brazier shops or something) to keep us confused an uniformed. If so, it really is a waste as most of us don't pay attention to what they're saying half the time anyway.
Thank you to the well wishers from my problem of last Friday. There's still no resolution to the matter. I'm off to the doctor today for a cure. I hope to find some relief as it's getting pretty tough to hold a train of though and the constant dull ache is leaving me a bit confused. It's sort of like being high....if you replaced the really good feeling with your nuts hurting that is.
Friday, August 19, 2005
Bad Joke
The Lancaster Uralogical group has an answering machine that asks you to press #2 to make an appointment. Then it rings 5 times and goes right back to the menu..."please press #2". Over and over again since 8:30 am.
I made a committment to not turn this this blog into your typical blog-like bitch fest, but when your left testicle is the size of a well grown lemon it's tough to keep a positive mental attitude.
I made a committment to not turn this this blog into your typical blog-like bitch fest, but when your left testicle is the size of a well grown lemon it's tough to keep a positive mental attitude.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Easy Come Easy Go
The other morning, getting ready for work, I threw on the computer and tuned into Ultimatebet.com to watch professional poker player Phil Helmuth play a high stakes heads-up game ( that means against one other person) live.
(OK, I know watching poker online is pretty pathetic...can we all just accept I have a problem and move on for now ?)
Helmuth is one of the most accomplished poker players ever and his opponent was a rich guy looking to tell his buddies, " Hey I played Phil Helmuth !". Theoretically, the guy should have been able to take a pot or two to brag about, but in the end he's essentially paying for the experience. The only problem is no one told the cards that. Time after time the fish would raise and re-raise and then catch a miracle card to win the pot. And each time after seeing the cards, Helmuth would flip his lid. I'm sure he got carpal tunnel from all the typing. At first it looked something like:
" I've been playing perfect for three hours and you're still in this. I can't believe how lucky you are" and " lucky catch"
but then soon degraded to
" **** you suck"...." I cannot believe you'd play that ****"
then finally
" fcukin assohole **** **** **** r4etard" and "ahahdhtfaewiavjnhwerafkasfdzxdfzf cfx"
What made matters worse is that knowing the fish was playing bad cards, Helmuth started to press..doubling his bets at every turn...and then the fish actually started getting good cards.
In the end Helmuth lost $30,000. THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS !!!!! I'm pretty sure I'd kill myself. At the very least I'd dislocate my leg so that I could kick myself in the nuts.
But that's the nature of gambling. I remember seeing a 70 year old guy walk up to a craps table that I was at and he had the 30 year old bombshell on his arm put $25 on the hard 10. It hit and he let the $175 sit on the table. It hit again ! He, the bombshell, her breasts, and the $1225 in chips all walked away happy as clams.
I also remember sitting at a blackjack table and getting a pair of 7s with the dealer showing a 6. I split the 7s...got more 7s...split them again...then double down on everything that would take it. I actually had to borrow $4 to make the last bet. Everything I owned was sitting at the table when the dealer turned over the 5 to a groan from the crowd that formed. The second 5 that hit the table sent a roar of approval from the crowd and even the dealer smiled for my good fortune. But I didn't smile, I knew...sometimes you just know..... and my lunch had already started coming back up into my throat before the third 5 hit the table and sent me looking under the floormats of the car for toll money home.
But the only thing less interesting than hearing of someone's success is listen to their bad beat story, so I'll have to beg forgiveness for my indulgence. Point is...well there is no point....but they didn't build a city in a swamp in the armpit of New Jersey because most people get lucky. So unless you're a 70 year old dude with chips in one pocket and blue pills in the other, just assume that you're there for entertainment.
And if you see a 6 foot 4 inch dude with a dislocated leg doubled over in pain, please say hi to Phil for me.
(OK, I know watching poker online is pretty pathetic...can we all just accept I have a problem and move on for now ?)
Helmuth is one of the most accomplished poker players ever and his opponent was a rich guy looking to tell his buddies, " Hey I played Phil Helmuth !". Theoretically, the guy should have been able to take a pot or two to brag about, but in the end he's essentially paying for the experience. The only problem is no one told the cards that. Time after time the fish would raise and re-raise and then catch a miracle card to win the pot. And each time after seeing the cards, Helmuth would flip his lid. I'm sure he got carpal tunnel from all the typing. At first it looked something like:
" I've been playing perfect for three hours and you're still in this. I can't believe how lucky you are" and " lucky catch"
but then soon degraded to
" **** you suck"...." I cannot believe you'd play that ****"
then finally
" fcukin assohole **** **** **** r4etard" and "ahahdhtfaewiavjnhwerafkasfdzxdfzf cfx"
What made matters worse is that knowing the fish was playing bad cards, Helmuth started to press..doubling his bets at every turn...and then the fish actually started getting good cards.
In the end Helmuth lost $30,000. THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS !!!!! I'm pretty sure I'd kill myself. At the very least I'd dislocate my leg so that I could kick myself in the nuts.
But that's the nature of gambling. I remember seeing a 70 year old guy walk up to a craps table that I was at and he had the 30 year old bombshell on his arm put $25 on the hard 10. It hit and he let the $175 sit on the table. It hit again ! He, the bombshell, her breasts, and the $1225 in chips all walked away happy as clams.
I also remember sitting at a blackjack table and getting a pair of 7s with the dealer showing a 6. I split the 7s...got more 7s...split them again...then double down on everything that would take it. I actually had to borrow $4 to make the last bet. Everything I owned was sitting at the table when the dealer turned over the 5 to a groan from the crowd that formed. The second 5 that hit the table sent a roar of approval from the crowd and even the dealer smiled for my good fortune. But I didn't smile, I knew...sometimes you just know..... and my lunch had already started coming back up into my throat before the third 5 hit the table and sent me looking under the floormats of the car for toll money home.
But the only thing less interesting than hearing of someone's success is listen to their bad beat story, so I'll have to beg forgiveness for my indulgence. Point is...well there is no point....but they didn't build a city in a swamp in the armpit of New Jersey because most people get lucky. So unless you're a 70 year old dude with chips in one pocket and blue pills in the other, just assume that you're there for entertainment.
And if you see a 6 foot 4 inch dude with a dislocated leg doubled over in pain, please say hi to Phil for me.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
conversation from a wedding this past weekend
Me: "No I don't have my kid in T-ball. At 5 years old it's a waste of time. They stand around and stare at the grass, they don't understand the game, and its a waste of time that they could be using to actually have fun and exercise. It's kinda ridiculous if you think about it. Why do you ask ?"
Him: " Oh...ummmm...because I started coaching T-ball this year."
So much for casual conversation.
Him: " Oh...ummmm...because I started coaching T-ball this year."
So much for casual conversation.
Random Story
My brother is an exceptional golfer. He was about one shot and 1000 joints away from making onto the PGA Tour fulltime. But don't feel bad that he's not on TV...he doesn't...he's lead a very full life and has had great success doing what he loves to do and has had a ton of fun along the way. The following stories is NOT an example of that.
My brother open qualified for the PGA tour a few times. What that entails is winning an early week tournament. That tournament is typically a one round shootout with 50-100 of the best local golfers as well as traveling professionals who don't have an automatic berth on the circuit. Each of the PGA stops has one of these qualifiers and usually the top 4 in the tournament get in...the competition is fierce. In each of these my brother shot 67 or better (!) in order to get in..he's no slouch.
So he open qualified for the Buick Open one time with a 66 against the best golfers in the NY metro area. He was psyched and hopefull and went into the event with a lot of momentum. This event was to have Tiger, Vijay, and all the other favorites and was to be televised. The event also comes just before the US Open so the field is on top of their game.
I had hoped to caddy for my brother for this event as I was slated to caddy for him if he got into the US Open but I had a conflict. Instead, my brother selected my Uncle...also a golf pro...to caddy for him. This was an important event and my brother wanted antoher set of professional eyes on the course with him.
Now the one thing you should know about my family...especially my uncles...is that we are all obsessive/compullsive. And most of that compullsion invovles gambling, drinking, and ....well more drinking and gambling. So while my Uncles all have found tremendous success and have been gifted with great talents....they all also come with the potential to find themselves in jail, unconsious, or in bed with the Sherriff's daughter(s) at anytime.
So round one doesn't start off so hot for my bro. He was two over for the first three holes as nerves got to him a bit. He did settle down and through 9 holes stood at a respectable 3 over. As he started the back nine a storm rolled in and the tournament went on a rain delay.
As my brother and uncle started into the clubhouse they were stopped at the door. My brother was allowed in, but my uncle was barred. The clubhouse was for players only. With Tiger and such inside, they didn't want any riff-raff in the building. My uncle explained that he was a playing professional. No dice. As far as the tournament was concerned, he was a caddy and could go hang out at the caddyshack ( there really are such things) or stand in the rain.
My uncle, of course, went for door number 3 and waited at the local bar. It was now noon.
The rain never went away and the tournament was postponed until Friday. My brother went back to the hotel. My Uncle decided to hang around with his new caddy friends for, you know, one more drink.
Friday morning came with 90 degree July heat. Since my brother didn't finish on Thursday he had to play early. He had to play 7 holes to finish Thrusday's round and then 18 hole for Friday's round. 25 holes of golf total in 90 degree heat...200% humidity.
And here came my uncle....and apparently that one more drink was about 400 ounces....of vodka.
Off they went, my brother shaking in his boots.....my uncle just shaking.
Well things didn't go so well. My brother could not make a putt and his second pair of eyes were a little blurry. After finishing thursday's round he was 6 over. Knowing that the cut was going to be 3 over he was going to have to play the second round aggressivly and shoot 3 under. It was going to be all or nothing.
"Nothing" won.
My brother's game cracked at about hole 24. My uncle cracked far before that...at some points literally unable to stand or hold the clubs.
So the point of this story is to paint what has got to be one of the most unusual pictures in all of Buick Open history.....
Here was my brother, in what was supposed to be one of his career shining moments...standing on the 18th fairway of a PGA Tour event.....cameras rolling....huge galleries....playing in the show.
Standing directly behind him was the high school kid the PGA hired to carry by brothers score. With great pride, the kid hoisted up the score for the Gallery to see...MIKE L. +15 .
.....and behind him, laying in the grass as if he'd just been shot, with the golf bag laying on it's side with a couple of clubs half-in half-out of the bag...tees strewn about was his caddy.
And they wouldn't let that guy in the clubhouse ?! The nerve !
My brother open qualified for the PGA tour a few times. What that entails is winning an early week tournament. That tournament is typically a one round shootout with 50-100 of the best local golfers as well as traveling professionals who don't have an automatic berth on the circuit. Each of the PGA stops has one of these qualifiers and usually the top 4 in the tournament get in...the competition is fierce. In each of these my brother shot 67 or better (!) in order to get in..he's no slouch.
So he open qualified for the Buick Open one time with a 66 against the best golfers in the NY metro area. He was psyched and hopefull and went into the event with a lot of momentum. This event was to have Tiger, Vijay, and all the other favorites and was to be televised. The event also comes just before the US Open so the field is on top of their game.
I had hoped to caddy for my brother for this event as I was slated to caddy for him if he got into the US Open but I had a conflict. Instead, my brother selected my Uncle...also a golf pro...to caddy for him. This was an important event and my brother wanted antoher set of professional eyes on the course with him.
Now the one thing you should know about my family...especially my uncles...is that we are all obsessive/compullsive. And most of that compullsion invovles gambling, drinking, and ....well more drinking and gambling. So while my Uncles all have found tremendous success and have been gifted with great talents....they all also come with the potential to find themselves in jail, unconsious, or in bed with the Sherriff's daughter(s) at anytime.
So round one doesn't start off so hot for my bro. He was two over for the first three holes as nerves got to him a bit. He did settle down and through 9 holes stood at a respectable 3 over. As he started the back nine a storm rolled in and the tournament went on a rain delay.
As my brother and uncle started into the clubhouse they were stopped at the door. My brother was allowed in, but my uncle was barred. The clubhouse was for players only. With Tiger and such inside, they didn't want any riff-raff in the building. My uncle explained that he was a playing professional. No dice. As far as the tournament was concerned, he was a caddy and could go hang out at the caddyshack ( there really are such things) or stand in the rain.
My uncle, of course, went for door number 3 and waited at the local bar. It was now noon.
The rain never went away and the tournament was postponed until Friday. My brother went back to the hotel. My Uncle decided to hang around with his new caddy friends for, you know, one more drink.
Friday morning came with 90 degree July heat. Since my brother didn't finish on Thursday he had to play early. He had to play 7 holes to finish Thrusday's round and then 18 hole for Friday's round. 25 holes of golf total in 90 degree heat...200% humidity.
And here came my uncle....and apparently that one more drink was about 400 ounces....of vodka.
Off they went, my brother shaking in his boots.....my uncle just shaking.
Well things didn't go so well. My brother could not make a putt and his second pair of eyes were a little blurry. After finishing thursday's round he was 6 over. Knowing that the cut was going to be 3 over he was going to have to play the second round aggressivly and shoot 3 under. It was going to be all or nothing.
"Nothing" won.
My brother's game cracked at about hole 24. My uncle cracked far before that...at some points literally unable to stand or hold the clubs.
So the point of this story is to paint what has got to be one of the most unusual pictures in all of Buick Open history.....
Here was my brother, in what was supposed to be one of his career shining moments...standing on the 18th fairway of a PGA Tour event.....cameras rolling....huge galleries....playing in the show.
Standing directly behind him was the high school kid the PGA hired to carry by brothers score. With great pride, the kid hoisted up the score for the Gallery to see...MIKE L. +15 .
.....and behind him, laying in the grass as if he'd just been shot, with the golf bag laying on it's side with a couple of clubs half-in half-out of the bag...tees strewn about was his caddy.
And they wouldn't let that guy in the clubhouse ?! The nerve !
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