Trick or Treat

In what has become an annual tradition in our neighborhood, all the families get together for pizza before trick or treating. This year we introduced beer (for the parents) into the equation with good results. The trick or treating turned into a bar crawl.

We got about two blocks from my house and I really had to take a leak. With people everywhere and a local fire truck, light ablazin, parked and handing out candy to the kids, there was little opportunity to sneak into the bushes.

Add to that the fact that taking a leak in the bushes might be generally frowned upon by the neighbors AND having your weiner out while little kids are running around the town is a recipe for disaster no matter how legitimate the reason. " I was just taking a piss" doesn't sound believable when it's in print in the local paper.

But I couldn't take it anymore, so I lagged behind everyone else, and casually made my way over near the bushes. In one swift motion, I stepped between two bushes and moved behind them. Well to my surprise, I found out where the neighborhood stormwater culvert is. My step behind the bush turned into my 4 foot fall into the detention basin. I exacted a perfect dive roll back up to my feet and scrambled up the embankment and back into parade. A couple of seconds I heard a voice behind me..." I thought I was going to have to send the firemen in there after you"...apparantly I wasn't the last person in line. Embarassed and slightly scathed I trudged on.

Antoher couple of blocks I couldn't take it anymore. I told T " I really gotta go !". She said that she'd take the kids, that I should run home and to take the video camera with me. I slipped the camera onto hand and started home.

I had to go so badly that I couldn't run...I had to do a fast shuffle/speed walk. I got back onto my street, which was now completely empty of people and started toward my house. It was touch and go as to whether I would make it without pissing my pants. Then I came up to the bushes again. Half out of severe need and half out to prove a point to that bastard bush I decided to piss right there. Carefully and quickly I slipped into the bushes and carefully perched myself on the ledge of the basin. I craned my neck around to look and see if anyone was coming and as quickly as possible, which at this point was easy, unzipped and let it rip. Ahhhhhhhhh. So I'm standing there relieved, looking around for anyone coming and all of a sudden I realize I'm getting wet. SWEET JESUS !

I look down in the pitch dark and realize that the video camera strap is still around my hand. The hand that is holding my johnson. And that I'm pissing all over the camera and it's splashing all over me.

After swearing, zipping up, and trying to dry off, I run all the way back and rejoin everyone.

T asked me to take a video of the kids. I picked up the piss stained camera, aimed it, turned it on. The video screen flickered, flickered again, then a message came up...DANGER DEW DETECTED.

Indeed.

Best lines from the night:

( after my daughter lost her princess crown and the neighbors were helping look for it)
" nevermind, nevermind. Remember Gentlemen....it's not the crown that makes the princess"

and to two teenage girls trick or treating

" Hey, you guys look great...great costumes"
" really ?! thanks ?!"
" Yeah, you look JUST LIKE two kids to old to be out trick or treating"