Tour De Dork

I haven't been doing much exercising and, like everyone else, have decided to turn things around for the new year.

On Wednesday night I noticed that the local gym was having a cycling promotion and thought that would be right down my alley. You have to ride the exercise bike at the gym varying distances, three times a week for 6 weeks. No problem.

They also accumulated your time over each of the "stages" and had a prize for the fastest riders. Even better !

Except....week 1 is from the 25th to the 31st, which gave me two days to get the first three rides in....AND the gym closes at 1 pm on New Year's Eve.

Undeterred I figured that I could ride two courses last night and one course this morning at 6 am.

I got to the gym last night with about 1 hour before close and looking at about 45 minutes of ride time. The first course was only 3.5 miles in distance so rather than waste time on a warm-up, I figured I'd get right into it. When I was fit ( and younger) I could hold 300+watts for an hour, so I'd just do this first course at 275 watts, a modest pace, get through the first course as a good warm-up and then really light it on first for the second ride.

I sat down, hit start and started pounding away at 275 watts. " Hmmmm, something must be stuck", I thought and looked around. No, nothing was stuck. Apparently in the couple of years that I've stopped riding seriously, 275 watts has become difficult.

Undeterred I pressed on holding 275 watts and watched my heart rate go up 155....165.....172.....173..... the last mile I was up out of the saddle grunting and dumping waves of sweat on the poor old man out on a leisurely ride on the bike next to me.

Finally I stopped the clock at 9:40 and lay slumped over the bike, making a spectacle of myself, and doing my best to not throw up all over the gym floor.

Before I could start the next course I had to find someone to take dowm my time. After some searching I finally found the guy who works there spotting someone, " Hey can you give me hand ?"

" Can you wait until after I'm done spotting this guy ?", he asked.

" I really can't", I said, " I have to do another ride and I just need you for a second, I"m sorry."

So the guy stopped what he was doing and followed me back to my bike, " What seems to be the problem ?" he asked.

" There's no problem.", I said, "I just need you to record my time so I can do course number two."

" Huh ?", he looked at me funny

" For the Tour De Gym...my time....I want to ride a second course, can you please record my time ?", A pool of sweat was, literally, forming around me and I was still panting.

He raised his eyebrows, sort of smiled, and raised a finger. " Hang on", he said, and walked into the back room.

He came back with a three ring binder and asked, " THIS Tour De Gym ?" he asked pointing at the cover of the book which read TOUR DE GYM.

" Yeah, EXACTLY !" What was this guys problem ?

" THIS Tour De Gym ?", he asked a second time, except this time, with a big smile on this face, he was pointing at the bottom part of the cover which read....

starts JANUARY 25, 2010.

" Yeah ", I said, " exactly."

They applaud...

...then go to work on Monday.

Merry Christmas

No Sophia its FIGGY pudding....FIGGY....with an "I" not an "A".

Merry Christmas

Out with the old king, in with the new

It looks like a big ole Bush-Obama Alley-Oop.

Bend over America.


Barack Obama, a once-in-a-generation political talent whose graceful conquest of America's racial dragons en route to the White House inspired the entire world, has for some reason allowed his presidency to be hijacked by sniveling, low-rent shitheads

The point is that an economic team made up exclusively of callous millionaire-assholes has absolutely zero interest in reforming the gamed system that made them rich in the first place.

Typical night

After some stressful days I was really looking forward to a quiet Monday night spent watching Allen Iverson's return to the Sixers.

Around 7 pm, after organizing the kids, checking their homework, feeding them, cleaning up the kitchen, and the half dozen other things that need to be done, I settled in and watched the introduction to " You Six-ahhhhs Stahhhh-tahhhhs !"

Right before tip-off my daughter informed me that she needed me to edit a paper she wrote. I told her that it would have to wait but was informed that (a) it was due the next morning and (b) it was about her pledge to not do drugs and delaying the process might lessen her committment to a drug free lifestyle. ( she's effectively manipulative like that)

She after 10 minutes of instruction I finally got her to email to me so that I could edit it on my laptop and still watch the game....and of course finish the online poker tournament that I had open and read my emails.

So still hanging onto some sense of relaxation I started editing the document when the boy walked in, " Hey awesome Iverson !" and plopped down next to me. He started his usual routine, figiting, tossing a ball up and down, chewing on the fingernails and sticking his head in front of my screen to see what I'm doing and reading aloud ( alternately) the anti-drug screed and my hole cards usually in the form of a question.

" I'm committed to a drug free lifestlye... ( shuffle)... Jack - seven you should bet right ?..( toss the ball)..alcohol is bad...(knock something over)..why did you fold ?...(pick a wedge)... Oooo Iverson just scored, isn't he on Memphis ? Hey where did the poker screen go ?"

Its like living with an epileptic Alex Trebek.

Finally I couldn't take it, " GO OVER THERE AND STOP MOVING !"

I finished the email and sent to my daughter. Of course she couldn't get the printer to work.

I went over to the printer, started working, and a face appeared two inches away from me cheek to cheek, " Hey, do you know what the problem is ?....(shuffle)....Did you check the printer cartridge ?...( bounce, bounce)....Is there paper in it ?..."

" OUT ! GET OUT ! GO UPSTAIRS !!!!"

" Geeze,. what's wrong with him", and the boy headed upstairs.

I just about got the printer working when I heard SMASH..." OW!" and my daughter and I ran upstairs to find glass shards everywhere and the boy bleeding and running his hand under the kitchen faucet. " Ummm, I cut my finger"

He had been tossing a Christmas ornament around like a ball and in broke in his hand.

" GODDAMMIT !", I started freaking out. " GET OVER HERE."

I threw two band-aids on the kid and my daughter started in on me, " Did you put neosporin on it ? Mom says if you don't put neosporin on it that its going to get infected ? I saw you didn't put in on, he's going to get and infected finger, Yourgoingtogetandinfectedfingeryoubetterputsomeneosporiinthererightnow...or I'm telling Mom !"

That's when I really lost it. I started screwaming and speaking in tongues and chasing kids around. When my wife finally got home she found noe kid hiding in the basement, the boy in the bathroom off the kitchen, and me on the kitchen floor with a dustbuster picking up glass and talking to myself.

" What's going on....", she started...

" DON'T ASK !"

That's when I heard the following. FLUSH.......FLUSH.......FLUSH......"UH-OH".

" Open the door"

" I don't want to open the door"

" OPEN the door"

" I really don't think its a good idea that I open the door"

" OPEN THE DOOR"

" OK, but I don't think that its going to go well"

The boy, holed up in the bathroom, had decided that rather than run the risk of having to deal with the maniac outside the bathroom, that a more reasonable solution to running out of toilet paper was to tear up a toilet paper roll and wipe with that. He hadn't accounted for the "flush factor".

I left him with a trashbag, a pair of gloves, and a plunger before I left for the bar.

So What

Why do you think Myrtle Beach has all those strip clubs and Cialis sponsors all those PGA Tour events.

Golfers are horny baby...yeahhhhh.

Pretty much everyone knew this was going to be the story 4 days ago. Can we all move on now ? **



** Unless my wife is reading this, in which case I find this whole sorrid afair to be disgusting.

A. I.

I like how he breaks it down like a cross over right around 2:37

surprise reaction

Anytime everyone is mad at you you've done something wrong...
unless you're a politician...
then if everyone is mad at you, you're probably doing something right.

I watched Obama's speech tonight as a bit of a skeptic. He's been a disappointment to me so far.

But I was plesantly surprised but what he had to say. What I like was him making some definative committment to transparency, the settings of deadlines, and broad vision. I still don't believe that he's likely to deliver, but it was nice to see such a significant departure in rhetoric.

So my first trip was over to Fox to see them lambaste him. Those guys barely made a stink. Then O'Reilly came on said a few words and spent the rest of the time talking about the hair style of the chick who snuck into the White House.

Then I went over to MSNBC and pretty much everyone over there half heartedly busted Obama's balls. Olberman couldn't even get excited.

i think perhaps he's stumped them all with reason.