dookie

Part of starting my new job has been to try and make sure that I'm respectful of the fact that all the employees who were here when I have here have their own particular way of doing things. I'm also substantially more self aware because everyone in the office is a woman...more specifically all women between 50-65 years old.

The first week of work that was on my mind when I went into the non-urinal, shared bathroom and was sure to put the seat down when I was done. On the second day, I went in and saw the seat was UP ?! I took my leak, put the seat down, and off I went. The third day I went in SEAT UP ?!?! I was starting to freak out. With an entire office full of women either one of the chicks was getting freaky, or someone was trying to set me up.

On day four the seat was up and I was on full out paranoia. About a half hour later I heard the secretary get up and go walking down the way toward the bathroom. I went, put the seat down then laid in wait to see who the culprit was. I went into the bookkeepers office which is directly across from the bathroom ( another story for another time). I brought a folder she and I were going to review so I could keep an eye on the bathroom door without drawing suspicion on myself. After a minute or two I heard a click and looked up but the bathroom door didn't move. Instead, off to the left, the hall closet opened and the secretary came walking out of the closet.

" Huh ?!", I said aloud, " What was she doing in the closet ?"

The bookkeeper look at me puzzled, " the closet?"

" Yeah Suz just came walking out of the closet !"

He face twisted up a little more, " Don't you...Do you mean the women's bathroom ?"

Apparently, we have a women's bathroom.

Also...apparently the maintenance MAN comes in at time.

And finally....apparently I'm a jackass.

First day of school

Let me begin by saying I have some allergy that strikes me in August and September. I have no idea what it is, and it doesn't affect me any other time, but starting right around the second or third week in August I wake up every morning with my eyes burning and my nose running uncontrollably.

That's exactly how things started for me yesterday, which was the kids first day of school.

The allergies set the tone for what is always destined to be a disaster of a morning. The kids aren't used to getting up, my wife is all depressed because the kids are going away and summer is over, and more importantly ( to me anyway) is that my morning routine is interrupted.

All summer long I have the pleasure of being the only up in the mornings. The rare chance to enjoy the quiet solitude has really made me a morning person. Grib, who had 4 brothers and 3 sisters told me how he would occasionally find his father sitting in the dark at 5 am with a pot of coffee all alone. What was once seen as maniacal seems prudent now.

So instead of quietly getting dressed and sipping coffee while listening to sportscenter I spent the better part of the morning screaming shit like, " I'm leaving in 3 minutes with or without you !" ( I wasn't) or " I'm going to make you all wear burlap sacks to school for now on" ( I was).

Finally, 5 minutes late, we got out the door, into the car, and off to school. In my haste I forgot my allergy medicine and the entire time over to the school I have to drive with my head tilted back and my nose toward the heavens so that I didn't have mucus running all over my shirt. This was of course made worse by the face that my eyes were watering. Frankly I'm proud of the fact that we got to school without me dragging 100 yards of corn stalks behind us.

We got to school and after dealing out the hugs, kisses and goodbyes I ran into the bathroom and got a giant handful of that sandpaper-grade institutional towels every grade school has. With a giant sigh of relief I stepped out the front doors blew my nose with great vigor, and wiped the burning from my eyes. Finally....relief.

With that, a passing mother on her way into the building stopped for a second, put her hand on my shoulder and said, " awww, I know exactly how you feel, the first day always breaks my heart too..it'll be ok."

good reading

Michael Phelps to write new book
2 hours ago

NEW YORK (AP) — Olympic superstar Michael Phelps will write a book telling the story behind his historic eight gold medal swims just in time for the holiday season, Free Press, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, announced Friday.

In "Built to Succeed," Phelps will also cover his philosophy on training and competition, as well as his life being raised by a single mother and coping with an attention-deficit disorder, the publisher said.

The book is scheduled to be released in December.

Phelps, 23, became the winningest Olympian ever at this summer's Beijing games, winning eight golds to add to six previous Olympic first-place victories. He holds seven world records.
Hosted by Copyright © 2008 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.

I bet it will sound a lot like this:

losin it

I've been trying to lose weight.

I track what I eat on fitday.com and I'm exercising and I'm doing all the stuff that you're supposed to. After 4 weeks I weighed in at 209. I lost exactly one pound.

When you're in a jam you should always go with what you know, and since I've never been comfortable with moderation, I figured there was only one way to go. Starting on Sunday I started starving myself.

Sunday was fine.

Monday I woke up hungry and spent most of the day thinking about food and telling people what I really thought of them (note to self: telling people they're whiny fucks might not be the best way to make a good impression at your new job).

Tuesday I woke up feeling like I was half drunk...that was the more functional half. I got up all dizzy and drove to work swerving all over the road and crying my eyes out over some NPR story about Arctic drilling...THOSE POOR ESKIMOS.

I got to work and finally cracked. I had a Clif Bar in my bag and wolfed it down. 2 minutes later the sugar hit my system and I got a euphoria that bordered on a religious experience. It was like all the vomiting you do before you start hallucinating on peyote....I mean, so I've heard....allegedly...anyway, I wouldn't recommend it as a form of getting high, but I wouldn't discourage it either.

So basically I made it from Sunday night till Tuesday morning, about 36 hours, eating almost nothing. It makes me realize that if I'm on a plane that goes down on the Andes, I'm definitely going to be one of the ones that eats the other passengers. And notice I didn't necessarily say "dead passengers".

In any case, I started eating a little more regularly, with of course the accompanying guilt that required a couple of 2.5 hour rides the last couple of days. So its reassuring to see the the anorexia has taken at least a small hold.

Oh yeah, and I got on the scale today...205.

I might have to give this guy a second look

the story here

John McCain's temper is well documented. He's called opponents and colleagues "shitheads," "assholes" and in at least one case "a fucking jerk."...

Three reporters from Arizona, on the condition of anonymity, also let me in on another incident involving McCain's intemperateness. In his 1992 Senate bid, McCain was joined on the campaign trail by his wife, Cindy, as well as campaign aide Doug Cole and consultant Wes Gullett. At one point, Cindy playfully twirled McCain's hair and said, "You're getting a little thin up there." McCain's face reddened, and he responded, "At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt." McCain's excuse was that it had been a long day. If elected president of the United States, McCain would have many long days.

yeah yeah yeah

I know I've been fairly tame since my return.

The thing is this new job has polarized my personality so that most of the time I'm so square there's nothing the write about. The rest of the time the shit that I'm writing is so freaky that I'm frightened to read it myself, let along post it.

So far the freakiness hasn't manifested itself in the material world, simply meaning that I've held it together in an impressive run of patience and sobriety. However I have a sneaky feeling that may all come to a head this weekend. What was it Jules said ?...



" I'm a mushroom cloud laying motherfucker, motherfucker !" ahahaha good stuff.

Here's a great link:

http://www.allmyfaves.com/

And I just discovered Conor Oberst:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWRhwJ6p1yg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ndeTIkOi9Y

Have a great weekend.

credit to matt

so funny

dang !

On my way to shoot 3 under until the final hole got me.

49 is my best. Watch out for the windmill.

http://www.addictinggames.com/miniputt.html

smooth

when asked about the complex intros that marked his songs and offset his trademark barartone voice, Issac Hayes said, " You don't stick bread in a cold oven baby ".




Isaac Lee Hayes, Jr. (August 20, 1942 -- August 10, 2008)[1] was an American soul and funk singer-songwriter, musician, record producer, arranger, composer and actor. Hayes was one of the main creative forces behind southern soul music label Stax Records, where he served as both an in-house songwriter and producer with partner David Porter during the mid-1960s. In the late 1960s, Hayes became a recording artist, and recorded successful soul albums such as Hot Buttered Soul (1969) and Black Moses (1971) as the Stax label's premier artist.

Alongside his work in popular music, Hayes was a film score composer for motion pictures. His best known work, for the 1971 blaxploitation film Shaft, earned Hayes an Academy Award for Best Original Song (the first Academy Award received by an African-American in a non-acting category) and two Grammy Awards. He received a third Grammy for the album Black Moses.

In 1992, in recognition of his humanitarian work, he was crowned an honorary king of Ghana's Ada district. From 1997 to 2006, he provided the voice for the character "Chef" on the Comedy Central animated TV series South Park.

Hayes was found dead in his Memphis home on August 10, 2008 as reported by the Shelby County sheriff's department. His death came 10 days before his 66th birthday.[1]
[2]Here is a complete slo-mo video clip of Isaac Hayes conducting the Theme from Shaft, which won an Oscar for best song.
After viewing, visit this lost mash-up classic from 1985
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UTpVW...

A reasonable idea

So I came up with the idea for the shows "The Contender" and " The Ultimate Fighter". Social networking sites...I had that one years ago. When I was 9 I invented the turn signal that turned itself off ( although I was saddened to find that one had been around for about 25 years already).

In recent years I've been working on this idea of putting the shortstop between the pitcher and the catcher to obscure the view of the batter. When I inquire about any rule prohibiting such actions I just get funny looks and comments like, " There probably NOT a rule because nobody would be that stupid". I think those people underestimate both my genius and ballplayers stupidity/courage. In any case, even Edison had his detractors.

Which leads us to a discussion of last night which brought about a very reasonable idea...what if we started teaching high school kids how to not be morons.

(OK, that might be harsh...and impractical...I mean we're not miracle workers.)

What I mean is that society used to have support systems that have largely eroded in modern society. There was a time when a mother would teach a daughter how to cook, what to expect during pregnancy, or the fact that the quickest way to get a man to do what you want is an unexpected handjob ( ok, not MY Mom, but probably your Mom). A time when fathers would teach a son to throw a ball, how to haggle over the price of a car, or where the hide all the parts left over after you've built the grill.

But there was also the larger support structure when people would learn either how to do stuff or who to ask when it came to mortgages, dealing with local government issues, how to deal with house maintenance issues, money management.

And finally, there was enough common culture and community where people felt compelled to act civilly toward each other...more than that, there was a formal and accepted way to deal with each other. People shared certain verbal and non-verbal cues that prevented interactions from escalating to the point of chasing someone around their yard with a snow shovel. The constraints of society that went out the window over the last 30 years as being too formal or unnecessary, IMO actually served a practical purpose.

Here's an analogy that might make my point....

When I play poker with people for the first time I go over a few rules that I view as essential
* keep you bet in front of you and don't throw it into the middle of the table
* The dealer should deal the same way every time...burn-don't burn-whatever, just be predictable
* do not talk about the current hand while its going on

and there are a couple more, but you get the point.

Invariably, the first time around everyone breaks these rules and I have to go through the whole thing again. Predictably, next time around it starts up again and then I just let it go. In almost every instance, either someone acts out of turn or can't figure out what their bet is or some other sort of disagreement breaks out and people suddenly realize WHY I asked that we follow prescribed rules and see the inherent benefits of commonly accepted behavior. Then once everyone is on board we can enjoy the game without any distractions, arguments, or bad feelings.

What high school kids really need is someone sitting at the poker table telling them how to play.

Stuff like:
- When you show up to an interview, don't wear ripped jeans
- When you're approaching an interchange on the turnpike, move to the left lane and make room for merging traffic
- Don't fucking talk on your cell phone in a way that includes everyone within 200 yards on the results of your gonorrhea test.
- When you cross the street, move your fat ass
- When you make $8.50 an hour, 900 anytime minutes and new sneakers might not be the most prudent investment strategy
- Subway charging you for onions and you not getting said onions is not an offense worthy of a 911 call
- If you drive through a neighborhood with kids at 80 miles an hour, talking on your cell phone, with your subwoofer blaring a song about 'fucking da bitches'...don't be surprised when you find your tires flat and three pounds of dog shit under your passenger seat

I'm sure the list can go on. I suggest starting it freshman year with the hope that you'd be able to get most of it in.

Showertime

This is my shower




After an hour of hacking my way through half-filled conditioner bottles...



YEA ! I finally found a shampoo !

I suppose that's what its like living with women.*


* I left the toilet seat up on purpose when I left today...so we're even.

lawn warrior

Like most, I detest mowing the lawn.

Given the fact that it does give me a solid 45 minutes of solitude the experience has grown on me a bit...with one exception.

Whenever I bring myself to START mowing that lawn, I want to FINISH mowing the lawn. I don't want to take a phone call, or take a break, or get half done now and do the other half later. Because as far as I'm concerned if you stop mowing the lawn for more than 5 minutes, then starting up again is the same as mowing the lawn TWICE. And I aint mowing the lawn twice.

So Saturday I was clipping along at a good pace when the mower started sputtering and died. Fine, OK, out of gas. Walking to the garage and getting the gas can is under the 5 minute rule and therefore maintaining the continuity of a single mow.

When I picked up the gas can I suddenly realized that we had a 'situation'.

The can was just about empty.

I was about 90% done with the front and only had a small backyard to do. I shook the can, and eyeballed the lawn and tried to get a feel for my gas to grass ratio. I did not have a very good feeling.

I made my way over the the mower and recreated the opening scene out of Road Warrior where a frantic Mel Gibson uses hubcaps and a bloody rage to sop up every last drop of gas in the desert.

I twisted and turned the can and nozzle to get every last drop of gas out of the can. Had I been able to cut it in half and scrape the inside of the can, I would have considered it.

Then I made a quick lap of the yard to maximize efficiency. I picked up all the kids balls and toys, I propped opened the back gate, and eyed up the shortest path from where I was to where I had to be.

Then I reared back, pulled the cord, and started running. And man did I run.

It's tough to get an accurate perspective while pushing a mower, but if I had to guess I was maintaining right around a 9 minute mile pace. And mind you that's with have to make turns !

I can't imagine what my neighbors though as the drove by to see me sprinting around my yard like a mad man putting the mower no two wheels and power sliding it around the swingset, but at this point I'm pretty sure that nothing happening at Chez Flick would totally catch them off guard.

The good news, I got the lawn done with gas to spare ! The even better news, I now realize it should really only take me about 18 minutes to do the entire lawn if I apply myself...and I can get my workout in to boot.