Something about the Landis quote the other day was really bothering me....hence the post from two days ago.
But it was only after I stopped thinking about it did it dawn on me WHY it was so much on my mind.
It wasn't at all Landis' cavalier attitude, it was this quote:
"I have no clue what's going on. After the Tour of the Bahamas I'm going back to my shack behind the car wash. Maybe I'll write a book."
MY SHACK ?!?!?! WRITE A BOOK !?!?!?!
The Bahamas wasn't Landis' return to cycling. The Bahamas was Landis' shot across Armstrong's bow.
What that quote really means is, " Hey Lance you cock-knocker, I covered your ass. Now get the UCI to approve Rock Racing, or get me on Radio Shack, or something. FLoyd's gotta eat....don't make write a tell all book to do it."
I think I'm starting to like Floyd again.
Friday, January 29, 2010
flying fish
I'm not even sure where to being with this one other than to say thanks to Kev-O for sending it across my desk.
The Readers Digest version is that Silver Carp were brought over from Asia for some specific purpose of filtering catfish ponds. There was a flood, the carp got into the rivers, and the end result is that these things are breeding out of control and getting huge.
By luck, some crazy ass bowhunter guy found out that if you run your boat at a low RPM near these carp, they go berserk and start jumping like 10 feet out of the water. He strung up a bunch of arrows on fishing line, got himself a case of beer and a video camera and extreme aerial bowfishing was born. http://www.brackettoutdoors.com/cbfishstory.htm
If that was f-ed up enough....they were out filming a show and shooting fish, when the fish started fighting back. The guys girlfriend ( pretty super hot girlfriend I might add...there apparently are perks to being an extreme aerial bowhunter) got nailed by one of the fish and broke her jaw ! See further pics by following this link.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
classy
"All that drinking is starting to pay off," Landis wrote in an e-mail, according to NeilBrowne.com. "I beat the course record set by Zman [David Zabriskie] two years ago and I was on somebody else's road bike with clinchers and no aero clothes. Take that f@*#ers."
"I have no clue what's going on. After the Tour of the Bahamas I'm going back to my shack behind the car wash. Maybe I'll write a book."
-- Just the sort of quotes you'd expect from any drug addict I suppose. I wonder what the title of the book will be.... " covering for the boss, on the fast track to shack ownership ".
"I have no clue what's going on. After the Tour of the Bahamas I'm going back to my shack behind the car wash. Maybe I'll write a book."
-- Just the sort of quotes you'd expect from any drug addict I suppose. I wonder what the title of the book will be.... " covering for the boss, on the fast track to shack ownership ".
Monday, January 25, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
a tree fell in the forest....aka unlikely feminists
Through a series of unusual coincidences ( I'm starting to wonder if there are such things), anyway, found myself sitting in the midway hotel tavern.
The midway, with the exception of adding Ozzy's " I'm Coming Home" to the jukebox, hasn't changed one thing since 1978 including the patrons who seem permanently affixed to their stools, sipping cans of Old Milwaukee and staring blankly at bowling memorabilia
I walked in during the second frame of the Professional BowlersAssociation Tournament of Champions, championship match which pitted top PBA bowler Chris Barnes against Kelly Kulick. This match creating history with the first woman ever to make it to a final of a PBA tournament...and doing so at the televised finals of the games major championship.
It was as if, in order for the event to truly have happened, that an outside observer (me) needed to lay witness to the experience for this elephant graveyard of bowling enthusiasts as they found themselves challenged with social-sexual implication of the match juxtaposed against the " take on all comers", "roll 'em and count 'em up" and dare I say "mano-a-mano" concepts that form the cornerstones of their Midway existence.
I started to mention the whole Schrodinger's cat idea to them, but then figured having your mind totally fucking blown once on a Sunday afternoon was enough, plus as Kelly rolled strike after strike I wondered if perhaps the situation would turn volatile and, as an outsider, I was very much a likely target.
As it turned out, the opposite was true. Kulick didn't just win the match, she dominated it. Perhaps it was the space, the company or the $3 Trogges, but after the 4th strike in a row I started picking up the strong scent of fate. Except for a hiccup of an open frame in the middle she just rolled strike after strike after strike, each one touching the sporting sensibilities of the crowd at the midway, and winning over their support. By the 8th frame she had the thing won. Undeterred she struck the 8th, the 9th, and the went strike, strike, 9 in the final frame with the last standing pin seeming almost appropriate....as in...." keep watching because you know I can get even better".
The win give Kulick a two year automatic exemption on the Pro Bowlers Tour, and I suspect we're going to starting hearing a little more about bowling over the coming months. But her impact is already felt, at least along a small stretch of Columbia Ave. As I hustled out of there, late to pick up the boy, I heard one of the old timers say to the bartender, "can you turn the TV up ? I want to hear what she has to say "
The midway, with the exception of adding Ozzy's " I'm Coming Home" to the jukebox, hasn't changed one thing since 1978 including the patrons who seem permanently affixed to their stools, sipping cans of Old Milwaukee and staring blankly at bowling memorabilia
I walked in during the second frame of the Professional BowlersAssociation Tournament of Champions, championship match which pitted top PBA bowler Chris Barnes against Kelly Kulick. This match creating history with the first woman ever to make it to a final of a PBA tournament...and doing so at the televised finals of the games major championship.
It was as if, in order for the event to truly have happened, that an outside observer (me) needed to lay witness to the experience for this elephant graveyard of bowling enthusiasts as they found themselves challenged with social-sexual implication of the match juxtaposed against the " take on all comers", "roll 'em and count 'em up" and dare I say "mano-a-mano" concepts that form the cornerstones of their Midway existence.
I started to mention the whole Schrodinger's cat idea to them, but then figured having your mind totally fucking blown once on a Sunday afternoon was enough, plus as Kelly rolled strike after strike I wondered if perhaps the situation would turn volatile and, as an outsider, I was very much a likely target.
As it turned out, the opposite was true. Kulick didn't just win the match, she dominated it. Perhaps it was the space, the company or the $3 Trogges, but after the 4th strike in a row I started picking up the strong scent of fate. Except for a hiccup of an open frame in the middle she just rolled strike after strike after strike, each one touching the sporting sensibilities of the crowd at the midway, and winning over their support. By the 8th frame she had the thing won. Undeterred she struck the 8th, the 9th, and the went strike, strike, 9 in the final frame with the last standing pin seeming almost appropriate....as in...." keep watching because you know I can get even better".
The win give Kulick a two year automatic exemption on the Pro Bowlers Tour, and I suspect we're going to starting hearing a little more about bowling over the coming months. But her impact is already felt, at least along a small stretch of Columbia Ave. As I hustled out of there, late to pick up the boy, I heard one of the old timers say to the bartender, "can you turn the TV up ? I want to hear what she has to say "
Friday, January 22, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
McGwire
During his weak assed excuse maknig "confession" he claims that in 1998, he took steroid to keep him going, not to improve.
" But then around July or the All-Star break I decided to take a month’s worth of steroids to get my body to feeling normal to where I can finish up strong. I did not abuse them. I did use them. It’s so regrettable."
How can this idiot fool himself into thinking that there's not a difference.
When all the rule followers are forced to contend wtih injuries and exhaustion while you circumvent those same obstacles through prohibited substances...that's the very definition of performance enhancing.
What a douche.
" But then around July or the All-Star break I decided to take a month’s worth of steroids to get my body to feeling normal to where I can finish up strong. I did not abuse them. I did use them. It’s so regrettable."
How can this idiot fool himself into thinking that there's not a difference.
When all the rule followers are forced to contend wtih injuries and exhaustion while you circumvent those same obstacles through prohibited substances...that's the very definition of performance enhancing.
What a douche.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
stolen story
I needed new glasses and to buy them they give you a free eye test for the prescription of the lens.
Doctor says ' Do you read or use a computer a lot?'
me 'I read and I also use the computer a lot'
him 'word processing and surfing, or additional strain on the eyes'
me 'Well I play a little online poker sometimes'
him 'ok, well lets see how your eyes are'
He then switches off the lights and I do the 'please read the lines test. He says 'read the 2nd line please'
The 2nd line has a 3 K J 2. So I obviously say, 'Three, King, Jack, Deuce' I had no idea what I said was wrong until he looked at me and said 'A little poker?' Then I clued in.
Doctor says ' Do you read or use a computer a lot?'
me 'I read and I also use the computer a lot'
him 'word processing and surfing, or additional strain on the eyes'
me 'Well I play a little online poker sometimes'
him 'ok, well lets see how your eyes are'
He then switches off the lights and I do the 'please read the lines test. He says 'read the 2nd line please'
The 2nd line has a 3 K J 2. So I obviously say, 'Three, King, Jack, Deuce' I had no idea what I said was wrong until he looked at me and said 'A little poker?' Then I clued in.
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
Waitress Wisdom
I overheard imparting a bit of wisdom to a new waitress at the diner the other morning.
Young waitress: It seems like some people order the same thing every day.
Old waitress: Honey EVERYBODY orders the same thing everyday. About once every two weeks one of them will ask you for a menu. Then they're read it over and talk about how good everything looks, fold up the menu, hand it back to you, and order the same thing as usual. People aren't willing to risk the rest of the day on bad breakfast.
This of course occurred 10 minutes after asking for a menu, looking it over, commenting on how good everything look, folding it up, handing it back, and ordering the same thing as usual.
Young waitress: It seems like some people order the same thing every day.
Old waitress: Honey EVERYBODY orders the same thing everyday. About once every two weeks one of them will ask you for a menu. Then they're read it over and talk about how good everything looks, fold up the menu, hand it back to you, and order the same thing as usual. People aren't willing to risk the rest of the day on bad breakfast.
This of course occurred 10 minutes after asking for a menu, looking it over, commenting on how good everything look, folding it up, handing it back, and ordering the same thing as usual.
Monday, January 04, 2010
movie review time
I had a chance to see some movies over the last week, thought I'd share.
Avatar 3-D - You'll pretty much figure out the story line in 30 seconds if you haven't already. Doesn't matter. It reminded my seeing Star Wars as a kid, visually mindblowing. The 3-D was incredibly well down and the transition from live action to animation was seamless. When this technology gets applied universally, it will revitalize the movie theater buisness..you just can't get this experience at home.
And when they figure out how to apply the technology to sports and video games, I'm dumping all my investments into Laz-E-Boy and drool cups. ( even I'm not completely sure what that means, but you get the idea)
Up In The Air - I had to go to the movies twice to see this as it was sold out the first time. My reaction is a a solid "eh". The premise is good. The acting is good. The story is good. I think I may have been more impressed without the hype. Worth seeing.
Man on Wire - Documentary about the guy who walked on a tightrope from one twin tower to another in 1974. The stunt was totally illegal and the story follows the attempt from its conception through the planning stages and to the day of the walk through archived footage and current day interviews with the participants. This is a fun rental.
The Hangover - Fun movie. Ken Jeong almost steals the movie as Mr. Chow and who can resist any movie with Mike Tyson. Good times, quality rental, thumbs up.
Avatar 3-D - You'll pretty much figure out the story line in 30 seconds if you haven't already. Doesn't matter. It reminded my seeing Star Wars as a kid, visually mindblowing. The 3-D was incredibly well down and the transition from live action to animation was seamless. When this technology gets applied universally, it will revitalize the movie theater buisness..you just can't get this experience at home.
And when they figure out how to apply the technology to sports and video games, I'm dumping all my investments into Laz-E-Boy and drool cups. ( even I'm not completely sure what that means, but you get the idea)
Up In The Air - I had to go to the movies twice to see this as it was sold out the first time. My reaction is a a solid "eh". The premise is good. The acting is good. The story is good. I think I may have been more impressed without the hype. Worth seeing.
Man on Wire - Documentary about the guy who walked on a tightrope from one twin tower to another in 1974. The stunt was totally illegal and the story follows the attempt from its conception through the planning stages and to the day of the walk through archived footage and current day interviews with the participants. This is a fun rental.
The Hangover - Fun movie. Ken Jeong almost steals the movie as Mr. Chow and who can resist any movie with Mike Tyson. Good times, quality rental, thumbs up.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Tour De Dork
I haven't been doing much exercising and, like everyone else, have decided to turn things around for the new year.
On Wednesday night I noticed that the local gym was having a cycling promotion and thought that would be right down my alley. You have to ride the exercise bike at the gym varying distances, three times a week for 6 weeks. No problem.
They also accumulated your time over each of the "stages" and had a prize for the fastest riders. Even better !
Except....week 1 is from the 25th to the 31st, which gave me two days to get the first three rides in....AND the gym closes at 1 pm on New Year's Eve.
Undeterred I figured that I could ride two courses last night and one course this morning at 6 am.
I got to the gym last night with about 1 hour before close and looking at about 45 minutes of ride time. The first course was only 3.5 miles in distance so rather than waste time on a warm-up, I figured I'd get right into it. When I was fit ( and younger) I could hold 300+watts for an hour, so I'd just do this first course at 275 watts, a modest pace, get through the first course as a good warm-up and then really light it on first for the second ride.
I sat down, hit start and started pounding away at 275 watts. " Hmmmm, something must be stuck", I thought and looked around. No, nothing was stuck. Apparently in the couple of years that I've stopped riding seriously, 275 watts has become difficult.
Undeterred I pressed on holding 275 watts and watched my heart rate go up 155....165.....172.....173..... the last mile I was up out of the saddle grunting and dumping waves of sweat on the poor old man out on a leisurely ride on the bike next to me.
Finally I stopped the clock at 9:40 and lay slumped over the bike, making a spectacle of myself, and doing my best to not throw up all over the gym floor.
Before I could start the next course I had to find someone to take dowm my time. After some searching I finally found the guy who works there spotting someone, " Hey can you give me hand ?"
" Can you wait until after I'm done spotting this guy ?", he asked.
" I really can't", I said, " I have to do another ride and I just need you for a second, I"m sorry."
So the guy stopped what he was doing and followed me back to my bike, " What seems to be the problem ?" he asked.
" There's no problem.", I said, "I just need you to record my time so I can do course number two."
" Huh ?", he looked at me funny
" For the Tour De Gym...my time....I want to ride a second course, can you please record my time ?", A pool of sweat was, literally, forming around me and I was still panting.
He raised his eyebrows, sort of smiled, and raised a finger. " Hang on", he said, and walked into the back room.
He came back with a three ring binder and asked, " THIS Tour De Gym ?" he asked pointing at the cover of the book which read TOUR DE GYM.
" Yeah, EXACTLY !" What was this guys problem ?
" THIS Tour De Gym ?", he asked a second time, except this time, with a big smile on this face, he was pointing at the bottom part of the cover which read....
starts JANUARY 25, 2010.
" Yeah ", I said, " exactly."
Monday, December 28, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Out with the old king, in with the new
It looks like a big ole Bush-Obama Alley-Oop.
Bend over America.
Barack Obama, a once-in-a-generation political talent whose graceful conquest of America's racial dragons en route to the White House inspired the entire world, has for some reason allowed his presidency to be hijacked by sniveling, low-rent shitheads
The point is that an economic team made up exclusively of callous millionaire-assholes has absolutely zero interest in reforming the gamed system that made them rich in the first place.
Bend over America.
Barack Obama, a once-in-a-generation political talent whose graceful conquest of America's racial dragons en route to the White House inspired the entire world, has for some reason allowed his presidency to be hijacked by sniveling, low-rent shitheads
The point is that an economic team made up exclusively of callous millionaire-assholes has absolutely zero interest in reforming the gamed system that made them rich in the first place.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Typical night
After some stressful days I was really looking forward to a quiet Monday night spent watching Allen Iverson's return to the Sixers.
Around 7 pm, after organizing the kids, checking their homework, feeding them, cleaning up the kitchen, and the half dozen other things that need to be done, I settled in and watched the introduction to " You Six-ahhhhs Stahhhh-tahhhhs !"
Right before tip-off my daughter informed me that she needed me to edit a paper she wrote. I told her that it would have to wait but was informed that (a) it was due the next morning and (b) it was about her pledge to not do drugs and delaying the process might lessen her committment to a drug free lifestyle. ( she's effectively manipulative like that)
She after 10 minutes of instruction I finally got her to email to me so that I could edit it on my laptop and still watch the game....and of course finish the online poker tournament that I had open and read my emails.
So still hanging onto some sense of relaxation I started editing the document when the boy walked in, " Hey awesome Iverson !" and plopped down next to me. He started his usual routine, figiting, tossing a ball up and down, chewing on the fingernails and sticking his head in front of my screen to see what I'm doing and reading aloud ( alternately) the anti-drug screed and my hole cards usually in the form of a question.
" I'm committed to a drug free lifestlye... ( shuffle)... Jack - seven you should bet right ?..( toss the ball)..alcohol is bad...(knock something over)..why did you fold ?...(pick a wedge)... Oooo Iverson just scored, isn't he on Memphis ? Hey where did the poker screen go ?"
Its like living with an epileptic Alex Trebek.
Finally I couldn't take it, " GO OVER THERE AND STOP MOVING !"
I finished the email and sent to my daughter. Of course she couldn't get the printer to work.
I went over to the printer, started working, and a face appeared two inches away from me cheek to cheek, " Hey, do you know what the problem is ?....(shuffle)....Did you check the printer cartridge ?...( bounce, bounce)....Is there paper in it ?..."
" OUT ! GET OUT ! GO UPSTAIRS !!!!"
" Geeze,. what's wrong with him", and the boy headed upstairs.
I just about got the printer working when I heard SMASH..." OW!" and my daughter and I ran upstairs to find glass shards everywhere and the boy bleeding and running his hand under the kitchen faucet. " Ummm, I cut my finger"
He had been tossing a Christmas ornament around like a ball and in broke in his hand.
" GODDAMMIT !", I started freaking out. " GET OVER HERE."
I threw two band-aids on the kid and my daughter started in on me, " Did you put neosporin on it ? Mom says if you don't put neosporin on it that its going to get infected ? I saw you didn't put in on, he's going to get and infected finger, Yourgoingtogetandinfectedfingeryoubetterputsomeneosporiinthererightnow...or I'm telling Mom !"
That's when I really lost it. I started screwaming and speaking in tongues and chasing kids around. When my wife finally got home she found noe kid hiding in the basement, the boy in the bathroom off the kitchen, and me on the kitchen floor with a dustbuster picking up glass and talking to myself.
" What's going on....", she started...
" DON'T ASK !"
That's when I heard the following. FLUSH.......FLUSH.......FLUSH......"UH-OH".
" Open the door"
" I don't want to open the door"
" OPEN the door"
" I really don't think its a good idea that I open the door"
" OPEN THE DOOR"
" OK, but I don't think that its going to go well"
The boy, holed up in the bathroom, had decided that rather than run the risk of having to deal with the maniac outside the bathroom, that a more reasonable solution to running out of toilet paper was to tear up a toilet paper roll and wipe with that. He hadn't accounted for the "flush factor".
I left him with a trashbag, a pair of gloves, and a plunger before I left for the bar.
Around 7 pm, after organizing the kids, checking their homework, feeding them, cleaning up the kitchen, and the half dozen other things that need to be done, I settled in and watched the introduction to " You Six-ahhhhs Stahhhh-tahhhhs !"
Right before tip-off my daughter informed me that she needed me to edit a paper she wrote. I told her that it would have to wait but was informed that (a) it was due the next morning and (b) it was about her pledge to not do drugs and delaying the process might lessen her committment to a drug free lifestyle. ( she's effectively manipulative like that)
She after 10 minutes of instruction I finally got her to email to me so that I could edit it on my laptop and still watch the game....and of course finish the online poker tournament that I had open and read my emails.
So still hanging onto some sense of relaxation I started editing the document when the boy walked in, " Hey awesome Iverson !" and plopped down next to me. He started his usual routine, figiting, tossing a ball up and down, chewing on the fingernails and sticking his head in front of my screen to see what I'm doing and reading aloud ( alternately) the anti-drug screed and my hole cards usually in the form of a question.
" I'm committed to a drug free lifestlye... ( shuffle)... Jack - seven you should bet right ?..( toss the ball)..alcohol is bad...(knock something over)..why did you fold ?...(pick a wedge)... Oooo Iverson just scored, isn't he on Memphis ? Hey where did the poker screen go ?"
Its like living with an epileptic Alex Trebek.
Finally I couldn't take it, " GO OVER THERE AND STOP MOVING !"
I finished the email and sent to my daughter. Of course she couldn't get the printer to work.
I went over to the printer, started working, and a face appeared two inches away from me cheek to cheek, " Hey, do you know what the problem is ?....(shuffle)....Did you check the printer cartridge ?...( bounce, bounce)....Is there paper in it ?..."
" OUT ! GET OUT ! GO UPSTAIRS !!!!"
" Geeze,. what's wrong with him", and the boy headed upstairs.
I just about got the printer working when I heard SMASH..." OW!" and my daughter and I ran upstairs to find glass shards everywhere and the boy bleeding and running his hand under the kitchen faucet. " Ummm, I cut my finger"
He had been tossing a Christmas ornament around like a ball and in broke in his hand.
" GODDAMMIT !", I started freaking out. " GET OVER HERE."
I threw two band-aids on the kid and my daughter started in on me, " Did you put neosporin on it ? Mom says if you don't put neosporin on it that its going to get infected ? I saw you didn't put in on, he's going to get and infected finger, Yourgoingtogetandinfectedfingeryoubetterputsomeneosporiinthererightnow...or I'm telling Mom !"
That's when I really lost it. I started screwaming and speaking in tongues and chasing kids around. When my wife finally got home she found noe kid hiding in the basement, the boy in the bathroom off the kitchen, and me on the kitchen floor with a dustbuster picking up glass and talking to myself.
" What's going on....", she started...
" DON'T ASK !"
That's when I heard the following. FLUSH.......FLUSH.......FLUSH......"UH-OH".
" Open the door"
" I don't want to open the door"
" OPEN the door"
" I really don't think its a good idea that I open the door"
" OPEN THE DOOR"
" OK, but I don't think that its going to go well"
The boy, holed up in the bathroom, had decided that rather than run the risk of having to deal with the maniac outside the bathroom, that a more reasonable solution to running out of toilet paper was to tear up a toilet paper roll and wipe with that. He hadn't accounted for the "flush factor".
I left him with a trashbag, a pair of gloves, and a plunger before I left for the bar.
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
So What
Why do you think Myrtle Beach has all those strip clubs and Cialis sponsors all those PGA Tour events.
Golfers are horny baby...yeahhhhh.
Pretty much everyone knew this was going to be the story 4 days ago. Can we all move on now ? **
** Unless my wife is reading this, in which case I find this whole sorrid afair to be disgusting.
Golfers are horny baby...yeahhhhh.
Pretty much everyone knew this was going to be the story 4 days ago. Can we all move on now ? **
** Unless my wife is reading this, in which case I find this whole sorrid afair to be disgusting.
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
surprise reaction
Anytime everyone is mad at you you've done something wrong...
unless you're a politician...
then if everyone is mad at you, you're probably doing something right.
I watched Obama's speech tonight as a bit of a skeptic. He's been a disappointment to me so far.
But I was plesantly surprised but what he had to say. What I like was him making some definative committment to transparency, the settings of deadlines, and broad vision. I still don't believe that he's likely to deliver, but it was nice to see such a significant departure in rhetoric.
So my first trip was over to Fox to see them lambaste him. Those guys barely made a stink. Then O'Reilly came on said a few words and spent the rest of the time talking about the hair style of the chick who snuck into the White House.
Then I went over to MSNBC and pretty much everyone over there half heartedly busted Obama's balls. Olberman couldn't even get excited.
i think perhaps he's stumped them all with reason.
unless you're a politician...
then if everyone is mad at you, you're probably doing something right.
I watched Obama's speech tonight as a bit of a skeptic. He's been a disappointment to me so far.
But I was plesantly surprised but what he had to say. What I like was him making some definative committment to transparency, the settings of deadlines, and broad vision. I still don't believe that he's likely to deliver, but it was nice to see such a significant departure in rhetoric.
So my first trip was over to Fox to see them lambaste him. Those guys barely made a stink. Then O'Reilly came on said a few words and spent the rest of the time talking about the hair style of the chick who snuck into the White House.
Then I went over to MSNBC and pretty much everyone over there half heartedly busted Obama's balls. Olberman couldn't even get excited.
i think perhaps he's stumped them all with reason.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Strap yourselves in
52 hours sober
something has to give
hide your women and show shovels
this is almost a haikuu
something has to give
hide your women and show shovels
this is almost a haikuu
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