There was a guy who was working the local lecture circuit as a moderator with whom I got pretty friendly. I had been attending a number of his training seminars and after awhile we got to know each other on a first name basis. He was a charasmatic sort of guy. I believe had been a preacher at one time but was now using the skills that he learned at the pulpit for inspiring people to do good work in government.
I should note to those of you who don't know me personally...that I am not a Christian. My religious proclivity falls somewhere between 'I'm not sure' and 'I really try not to think about it'...both of which are unpopular positions here in the Bible Belt of the North.
Anyway, he always had these little icebreakers where attendees had to interact with other attendees. It was a bit of a pain in the ass, but in the end it was always effective. If the class muddled through whatever he had set up, the group would inevitably participate more and be more attentive.
So one class he opened by saying, " We are going to play a little game. You're going to get a partner. Then you are going to say something to your partner that you think you both have in common. If you both have that item in common then your partner is going to shake your hand and say ' nice to meet you'. I'll give you an example....Flick, can you come up here and help demostrate ?"
With that I hopped up to the front of the room to join him.
He continued, " OK, let's domonstrate.....I'm wearing a blue shirt !"
Since we were both wearing a blue shirt I extended my hand in an exaggerated way for effect and game him the old, " NICE TO MEET YOU !" with a toothy grin.
" Nice to meet you too !" said our speaker and then he turned to the crowd and said, " OK everyone pair up and give it a try. Flick...since your already up here, why don't you be my partner."
He and I moved to the side and grabbed a couple of chairs. He gestured that I should go first so I thought for a second and said, " HI ! I'm going to be stuck here for the next 2 1/2 hours !"
" Hahahha", our speaker chuckled, " I can only hope that you don't find me that boring....but NICE TO MEET YOU !" and he extended his hand with a hearty shake.
Now it was his turn, " I've accepted Jesus as my personal savior"
Yes, you read it right.
" Pardon me ?"
He tried again, this time with a little more enthusiasm, " I've accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior" and out went his hand with a big smile.
TH-TH-THAT !?!?!? THAT is what you're opening with ?"
I'm not sure of the exact meaning of the word incredulous, but if it includes 'totally fucking shocked' as part of it, then that's what I was.
The smile started to droop a bit, " ahhh, no good ?"
I winced in a bit of pain and shook my head like a rookie pitcher nervously shaking off the curve ball from a veteran catcher.
What followed was about the longest three seconds of dead air I've ever endured.
The smile was gone this time. His expression was that of a guy trying to solve a math problem...like something that involved two trains leaving two cities at different times. Then, suddenly he must have come to his answer. His eye lit up, shoved out his hand and stammered, " I...I...I'm wearing a blue shirt !"
I greatfully grabbed his hand which had gown just about as damp as mine
"Nice to meet you...", I offered almost appologetically, "...nice to meet you!"
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Friday, February 23, 2007
Still Funny
I had this on the old blog and its still funny now.
There are about a dozen funny quotes from this...what's your favorite ?
There are about a dozen funny quotes from this...what's your favorite ?
Thursday, February 22, 2007
be careful what you wish for
Regular readers may recall my quest to go to the bathroom ( #2 of course) without having another living creature, be it child, dog, or wife, walk in on me. I remember the last time it happened foldly...it was the spring of 2004...I had just gotten a new National Grographic and had eaten calamari and penne pasta the night before....but I digress.
I came home today to a full house and ran upstairs for my evening constitution. I settled in, patiently did my business, and surprisingly noted that I had not been interrrupted.
The smirk on my face last just seconds as I reached over to toilet paper roll and found it empty.
OK, no problem, there had to be some in under the sink right ? I suffered through the indignity of ever so gngerly waddling around knock-kneed, pants around my ankles and hind quarters high in the air, as I rooted around under the sink.....NOTHING.
Frantic, I started looking around for anything else useful...no napkins, no paper towels, no baby wipes. There WERE a slew of poker magazines...however I said I was frantic...I didn't say I was hopeless.
So the most reasonable plan of action was to just wait it out. I mean it was amazing that someone or something hadn't run in to that point, it had to be only a matter of time before someone came to my rescue.
So I picked up a magazine and I read an article and waited....and waited...and waited. I stomped on the floop a couple of times...nothing. I could hear them down there...I wasn't alone. " Hellooooooooo ?!" Nothing.
Finally.....defeated....I just gave in. I decide to go to another location and all that entails ( I'm assuming most of you know what I mean). I stood , hiked up my pants, and made my way to the kids bathroom on the other side of the house.
I'm starting to think that they're all messing with me on purpose, I really am.
I came home today to a full house and ran upstairs for my evening constitution. I settled in, patiently did my business, and surprisingly noted that I had not been interrrupted.
The smirk on my face last just seconds as I reached over to toilet paper roll and found it empty.
OK, no problem, there had to be some in under the sink right ? I suffered through the indignity of ever so gngerly waddling around knock-kneed, pants around my ankles and hind quarters high in the air, as I rooted around under the sink.....NOTHING.
Frantic, I started looking around for anything else useful...no napkins, no paper towels, no baby wipes. There WERE a slew of poker magazines...however I said I was frantic...I didn't say I was hopeless.
So the most reasonable plan of action was to just wait it out. I mean it was amazing that someone or something hadn't run in to that point, it had to be only a matter of time before someone came to my rescue.
So I picked up a magazine and I read an article and waited....and waited...and waited. I stomped on the floop a couple of times...nothing. I could hear them down there...I wasn't alone. " Hellooooooooo ?!" Nothing.
Finally.....defeated....I just gave in. I decide to go to another location and all that entails ( I'm assuming most of you know what I mean). I stood , hiked up my pants, and made my way to the kids bathroom on the other side of the house.
I'm starting to think that they're all messing with me on purpose, I really am.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Sledding
The recent weather has been unusual. The snow, sleet rain, snow and refreeze has left the ground a solid block of ice. I'm 215 lbs and I can stand on the snow drift in my front yard, jump up and down, and not make a dent. While all of this has been terrible for shoveling and driving, it has made for some amazing sledding.
Across the street from my house is a big hill overlooking Meadows Edge's eponymous meadow. The land has been recently sold, but so popular is the sledding site that the agreement of sale was contingent on the new owners allowing local kids to continue sledding there. With the frozen conditions and with the face of the hill facing into the prevailing westerly wind, the sledding hill has become, at the least a luge run and more likely one of those thinks that the ski jumpers go down.
Anyway we went over there and had a fantastic time. Mrs. Flick always gives me the requisite warning, " be careful that the kids don't go near the pond", and I gave her the requisite rolling of the eyes. The pond is a good 500 yards from the top of the hill and probably 100-150 yards from the bottom. Kids sledding with boggie boards coated with Crisco baking grease down get within 50 of the pond, so my kids on their $8 plastic sled have nothing to worry about.....or so I thought.
When we first got there two teenage kids were getting ready for a run. One was on one of those hard shelled saucers and the other was digging in to push him like a bobsledder. Off they went. The kid PUSHING slid to the bottom of the hill on his belly. The kid on the saucer became a dot on the horizon. He went to the bottom...across the meadow....and not only to the pond, but PAST the pond and into the next farm field. He went at least a half mile !!!! At least !!!
I turned everyone around and went home for helmets.
Anyway, we went back to the hill and had a great time of it.
After a while the kids started getting tired and cold and we decided that they'd have a final run. I put them all into one sled and sent them down like a giant human cannonball.
I should mention at this point that one of the drawbacks to the situation was that as fun as it was to go down the hill, it was equally as difficult to get back up the hill. Many times the kids would make it half way up only to lose their footing and go sliding all the way back down or they'd lose grip on the sled and it would fly off into the distance. The only hope of getting up the slope was to act like a mountain climber...some kids had hacked holes into the ice at intervals and you could use the crags in the ice like a rock climber and make your way up.
After this final run my kids were trying to make their way up to me and not having any luck. At least one of them was falling down half way up and usually taking the rest down with them. It was turning into human bowling.
Finally I yelled down to them to go over to the big tree next to the road and that I'd come down to them and we could take the road back home. I picked up the camera, their two sleds, and whatever discarded helmets, hats and gloves were around and started to walk down/across the face of the hill to meet them. This turned out to be treacherous. After nearly falling off a few times I figured " screw it" and that the most reasonable thing to would be just to sled down to where they were. I dropped one of the sleds and plopped down in it. I put my feet down to control my speed, I only had to go about half-way down...and off I went.
Well HOLY POOP !...I immediately started going about 100 times faster than I thought I was going to go. I tried to dig my heels in...NOTHING ! I was actually starting to pick up speed. Panicked I reached out ahead with my free hand and tried to dig in into the solid ice face...nothing ! Then it happened....
My left hand which was at the end of my fully extended left arm went into one of the footholds that the kids dug into the ice. The full weight and momentum of my body went smashing into the last three fingers on my left hand. All I could see was a white flash as severe pain screamed up my left side. I believe I broke the ring finger and cannot get my wedding ring on it at all. The other two fingers are swollen and I can't bend them the whole way to make a fist.
The other effect of the impact on my hand was to change my trajectory. Instead of heading down the hill, I was kicked at a 45 degree angle...right at the kids. I was about to slam into my entire brood of children and we were all going to be spending the rest of the evening in the emergency room.
I've mentioned before that 'The Boy' might be the slowest kid I've ever seen. His feet are gigantic and he runs like he's wearing flippers. The kid might have some talents, but he isn't going to win any footraces. The Boy looked up to see me coming down the hill....I had my left arm straight out and an obtuse angle, my right arm was held high above me wielding a sled, a camera, and two helmets , and I was screaming a death wail while writhing and wriggling like an epileptic on fire...his eyes got big as saucers and The Boy made a run for the road with a burst of speed that was as impressive as it was unexpected.
I had just the briefest of moments to notice his burst of speed, before I took notice of the tree that he had been standing in front of. The tree that I was definitely going to hit. I rolled over and bailed out of the sled. That did nothing. I splayed myself out and readied for the impact. The sled hit the tree first and by the grace of God that helped made the difference. I hit the sled, which buckled under my weight, but helped absorb some of the impact. Also, instead of breaking a limb, I hit the trunk of the tree with my midsection. Luckily I didn't break a rib, but I did knock all the wind out of me with a mighty " URRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH".
I laid there for a few minutes with all the kids gathered around me saying stuff like, " I think your Dad is dead" and " That was totally cool, do it again, do it again.". After a little while I got myself together, set about gathering up all my things which were scattered around the hillside like wreckage from a plane crash, and took the kids home for some hot cocoa.
We're going back a little later today if anyone is interested in joining us.
Across the street from my house is a big hill overlooking Meadows Edge's eponymous meadow. The land has been recently sold, but so popular is the sledding site that the agreement of sale was contingent on the new owners allowing local kids to continue sledding there. With the frozen conditions and with the face of the hill facing into the prevailing westerly wind, the sledding hill has become, at the least a luge run and more likely one of those thinks that the ski jumpers go down.
Anyway we went over there and had a fantastic time. Mrs. Flick always gives me the requisite warning, " be careful that the kids don't go near the pond", and I gave her the requisite rolling of the eyes. The pond is a good 500 yards from the top of the hill and probably 100-150 yards from the bottom. Kids sledding with boggie boards coated with Crisco baking grease down get within 50 of the pond, so my kids on their $8 plastic sled have nothing to worry about.....or so I thought.
When we first got there two teenage kids were getting ready for a run. One was on one of those hard shelled saucers and the other was digging in to push him like a bobsledder. Off they went. The kid PUSHING slid to the bottom of the hill on his belly. The kid on the saucer became a dot on the horizon. He went to the bottom...across the meadow....and not only to the pond, but PAST the pond and into the next farm field. He went at least a half mile !!!! At least !!!
I turned everyone around and went home for helmets.
Anyway, we went back to the hill and had a great time of it.
After a while the kids started getting tired and cold and we decided that they'd have a final run. I put them all into one sled and sent them down like a giant human cannonball.
I should mention at this point that one of the drawbacks to the situation was that as fun as it was to go down the hill, it was equally as difficult to get back up the hill. Many times the kids would make it half way up only to lose their footing and go sliding all the way back down or they'd lose grip on the sled and it would fly off into the distance. The only hope of getting up the slope was to act like a mountain climber...some kids had hacked holes into the ice at intervals and you could use the crags in the ice like a rock climber and make your way up.
After this final run my kids were trying to make their way up to me and not having any luck. At least one of them was falling down half way up and usually taking the rest down with them. It was turning into human bowling.
Finally I yelled down to them to go over to the big tree next to the road and that I'd come down to them and we could take the road back home. I picked up the camera, their two sleds, and whatever discarded helmets, hats and gloves were around and started to walk down/across the face of the hill to meet them. This turned out to be treacherous. After nearly falling off a few times I figured " screw it" and that the most reasonable thing to would be just to sled down to where they were. I dropped one of the sleds and plopped down in it. I put my feet down to control my speed, I only had to go about half-way down...and off I went.
Well HOLY POOP !...I immediately started going about 100 times faster than I thought I was going to go. I tried to dig my heels in...NOTHING ! I was actually starting to pick up speed. Panicked I reached out ahead with my free hand and tried to dig in into the solid ice face...nothing ! Then it happened....
My left hand which was at the end of my fully extended left arm went into one of the footholds that the kids dug into the ice. The full weight and momentum of my body went smashing into the last three fingers on my left hand. All I could see was a white flash as severe pain screamed up my left side. I believe I broke the ring finger and cannot get my wedding ring on it at all. The other two fingers are swollen and I can't bend them the whole way to make a fist.
The other effect of the impact on my hand was to change my trajectory. Instead of heading down the hill, I was kicked at a 45 degree angle...right at the kids. I was about to slam into my entire brood of children and we were all going to be spending the rest of the evening in the emergency room.
I've mentioned before that 'The Boy' might be the slowest kid I've ever seen. His feet are gigantic and he runs like he's wearing flippers. The kid might have some talents, but he isn't going to win any footraces. The Boy looked up to see me coming down the hill....I had my left arm straight out and an obtuse angle, my right arm was held high above me wielding a sled, a camera, and two helmets , and I was screaming a death wail while writhing and wriggling like an epileptic on fire...his eyes got big as saucers and The Boy made a run for the road with a burst of speed that was as impressive as it was unexpected.
I had just the briefest of moments to notice his burst of speed, before I took notice of the tree that he had been standing in front of. The tree that I was definitely going to hit. I rolled over and bailed out of the sled. That did nothing. I splayed myself out and readied for the impact. The sled hit the tree first and by the grace of God that helped made the difference. I hit the sled, which buckled under my weight, but helped absorb some of the impact. Also, instead of breaking a limb, I hit the trunk of the tree with my midsection. Luckily I didn't break a rib, but I did knock all the wind out of me with a mighty " URRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH".
I laid there for a few minutes with all the kids gathered around me saying stuff like, " I think your Dad is dead" and " That was totally cool, do it again, do it again.". After a little while I got myself together, set about gathering up all my things which were scattered around the hillside like wreckage from a plane crash, and took the kids home for some hot cocoa.
We're going back a little later today if anyone is interested in joining us.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Two guys at the bar
At pub poker on friday there were two very friendly, very likable, and very large guys playing at my table.
Charlie was the smaller of the two weighing in at, I'd guess, 265...maybe 5'9". Matt was much larger...maybe 6 feet and hell, I dunno, 350 ?!?!.
Anyway, they whole time they're playing they're both talking about how hungry they are and what they're going to order from the bar. Frankly, I think they both busted out, if not on purpose, then as a result of their hunger.
So both guys bust out then saddle up to the bar and order dinner.
A little while later I went up to get a beer and walked into this conversation.
Matt: We're going to have to get out of here and get something to eat.
Charlie: Just be patient, the food will be here soon. Relax.
Matt: No, I don't mean leave here without our food...I mean this isn't going to be enough food. We gotta leave here and get some more food after this.
Charlie: You're insane.
It was then I realized that all their talk about food was making me really hungry. Then Matt pulled out the big guns.
Matt: Hey man, I'm not just talkin about food. I'm talkin about Taco Bell. Taaaacccoooo Beeeeellllllll.
I coudn't take it anymore and injected myself into the conversation, " Damn ! That DOES sound good"
Matt: See ! Even this guy thinks so. Whatya say ?
Charlie( sternly with his arms crossed): I'm not going to Taco Bell
Matt: Come on man ?
Me: Mmmm, tacos.....burritos....CHIMMYCHANGA !?!?
Matt: YEAH !!!!
Charlie: I'm not going to fucking Taco Bell
Matt: Come on man.....wheres the Charie I know ?....where's my pal ?....where's Charlie ? ....what have you done with him....I know he's in there....come on out Charile....stop hiding....chimmychanga...come on out Charlie...come on out and play
Charlie: Ok ok....( sheepish grin breaking out across his face) fuck it, let's do it.
Matt: THATS WHAT IM TALKIN ABOUT !!!!
Charlie was the smaller of the two weighing in at, I'd guess, 265...maybe 5'9". Matt was much larger...maybe 6 feet and hell, I dunno, 350 ?!?!.
Anyway, they whole time they're playing they're both talking about how hungry they are and what they're going to order from the bar. Frankly, I think they both busted out, if not on purpose, then as a result of their hunger.
So both guys bust out then saddle up to the bar and order dinner.
A little while later I went up to get a beer and walked into this conversation.
Matt: We're going to have to get out of here and get something to eat.
Charlie: Just be patient, the food will be here soon. Relax.
Matt: No, I don't mean leave here without our food...I mean this isn't going to be enough food. We gotta leave here and get some more food after this.
Charlie: You're insane.
It was then I realized that all their talk about food was making me really hungry. Then Matt pulled out the big guns.
Matt: Hey man, I'm not just talkin about food. I'm talkin about Taco Bell. Taaaacccoooo Beeeeellllllll.
I coudn't take it anymore and injected myself into the conversation, " Damn ! That DOES sound good"
Matt: See ! Even this guy thinks so. Whatya say ?
Charlie( sternly with his arms crossed): I'm not going to Taco Bell
Matt: Come on man ?
Me: Mmmm, tacos.....burritos....CHIMMYCHANGA !?!?
Matt: YEAH !!!!
Charlie: I'm not going to fucking Taco Bell
Matt: Come on man.....wheres the Charie I know ?....where's my pal ?....where's Charlie ? ....what have you done with him....I know he's in there....come on out Charile....stop hiding....chimmychanga...come on out Charlie...come on out and play
Charlie: Ok ok....( sheepish grin breaking out across his face) fuck it, let's do it.
Matt: THATS WHAT IM TALKIN ABOUT !!!!
Monday, February 12, 2007
Lovin Spoonful
While drinking beers and shooting darts, the writer of doucheblogcycling posed this question, " Which would you rather watch, a WNBA playoff game or the NFL Pro Bowl ?". Now thats a hell of a question. That's the type of stuff Socrates would have come up with if he had been a sports fan...or a drunkard.
I spend a good portion of this mornings constitution trying to figure out if the group Lovin Spoonful got their name from a drug reference or a sex reference. I may have been wrong on both events according to this .
On Saturday I figured I'd give exercising another try and headed to the gym for a little run on the treadmill. I brought my earphones and was able to listen to the television programs that they had on the numerous televisions set up throughout the gym. I hate to run, but two of the channels were news programs covering both the Palastinian/Isreali situation at The Mount this weekend as well as an interesting piece on Iran, so I really got into the news and the time flew along.
Right at the end of my run, the news switched to the lighter side of things and they started talking about Valentines Day. The NewsBabe started telling the NewsDude about how she was looking forward to Valentines day because she had such a great marriage. She then started going on and on about the secrets as to why she had such a special marriage. I can't wait until the sex tapes of her husband in a three way wtih a playboy playmate and a cocker spaniel hit the internet. Anyway, on the heels of the serious and sad subject matter they had just covered, her enthusiasm for her husband and her marriage came across as smarmy, arrogant, and, frankly, contrived.
My reaction to this was typically expressive. I rolled my eyes, started making the jerking-off gesture with my hand, and made a rasberry/farty noise with my tongue
"ptttthuk-ptttthuk-ptttthuk".
It then occured to me that not everyone was watching what I was watching or listening to what I was listening to or hand any frame of reference to what I was doing or why....especially the cute woman jogging shoulder to shoulder with me on the adjoining treadmill. I did a quick assessment and realized that since she was right next to me, it was unlikely that she could see what I had done with me hand...whew. Uh-oh..that might be worse....if she heard the farty noise without the other stuff she might think that I actually...oh-no...passed gas right there on the treadmill. Nah, she didn't hear anything...everything is cool...I'm just bring paranoid...
Then she stopped, turned off the treadmill, and without giving me a glance quickly gathered up her stuff and walked off.
I spend a good portion of this mornings constitution trying to figure out if the group Lovin Spoonful got their name from a drug reference or a sex reference. I may have been wrong on both events according to this .
On Saturday I figured I'd give exercising another try and headed to the gym for a little run on the treadmill. I brought my earphones and was able to listen to the television programs that they had on the numerous televisions set up throughout the gym. I hate to run, but two of the channels were news programs covering both the Palastinian/Isreali situation at The Mount this weekend as well as an interesting piece on Iran, so I really got into the news and the time flew along.
Right at the end of my run, the news switched to the lighter side of things and they started talking about Valentines Day. The NewsBabe started telling the NewsDude about how she was looking forward to Valentines day because she had such a great marriage. She then started going on and on about the secrets as to why she had such a special marriage. I can't wait until the sex tapes of her husband in a three way wtih a playboy playmate and a cocker spaniel hit the internet. Anyway, on the heels of the serious and sad subject matter they had just covered, her enthusiasm for her husband and her marriage came across as smarmy, arrogant, and, frankly, contrived.
My reaction to this was typically expressive. I rolled my eyes, started making the jerking-off gesture with my hand, and made a rasberry/farty noise with my tongue
"ptttthuk-ptttthuk-ptttthuk".
It then occured to me that not everyone was watching what I was watching or listening to what I was listening to or hand any frame of reference to what I was doing or why....especially the cute woman jogging shoulder to shoulder with me on the adjoining treadmill. I did a quick assessment and realized that since she was right next to me, it was unlikely that she could see what I had done with me hand...whew. Uh-oh..that might be worse....if she heard the farty noise without the other stuff she might think that I actually...oh-no...passed gas right there on the treadmill. Nah, she didn't hear anything...everything is cool...I'm just bring paranoid...
Then she stopped, turned off the treadmill, and without giving me a glance quickly gathered up her stuff and walked off.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Name Change
You'll ofter run into a foreigner ( has that term been deemed inappropriate yet ?)...anyway " a person of alternate origin" and you'll introduce yourself and the person will say, " Hi, I'm Ernie Fanutzamuha". Now you KNOW the dude's names isn't Ernie...and if you look into it you'll find out that his name is really Ensahunamrkinya or some unpronouncable shit like that.
I say...whatever...I'll happily give the dudes name a shot if he wants to tell it to me...but I can also appreciate the dude not wanting every conversation to start awkwardly with some douchebag cracker butchering his name over and over..." Uh, nice to meet you Ensa...Ensa...Ensahun...nice to meet you sir."
I went through a similar thing with a Leboneese friend I invited over to my poker game. His name is Maher and the conversation went like this:
" Hi, I'm Maher"
" Nice to meet you Maher"
" No...it's Maher"
" Yeah...Maher. No ?"
"No ! Ma-Her"
" Ma-Her"
"no...Maaaaaaa-Heeeer"
urrrrgh " Maaaaaa-Heeeer ?"
" No, nevermind"
" Ok fair enough....I see you've brought your friend, what's his name"
" Oh, this is Maher"
" Oh...same name as you !"
" What ? What are you talking about....I am Maher...he is Maher...how is this the same?"
So fuck him. He's now " Buddy" and his partner is " Captain"..or occassionally "Pal".
Anyway, I mention this because I got a storm water report today from a guy. He's a foreign national. And instead of him involking the opportunity to Americanize his name he stood true to his family heritage. His report way proudly signed:
"Yong Fook Ho"
I say...whatever...I'll happily give the dudes name a shot if he wants to tell it to me...but I can also appreciate the dude not wanting every conversation to start awkwardly with some douchebag cracker butchering his name over and over..." Uh, nice to meet you Ensa...Ensa...Ensahun...nice to meet you sir."
I went through a similar thing with a Leboneese friend I invited over to my poker game. His name is Maher and the conversation went like this:
" Hi, I'm Maher"
" Nice to meet you Maher"
" No...it's Maher"
" Yeah...Maher. No ?"
"No ! Ma-Her"
" Ma-Her"
"no...Maaaaaaa-Heeeer"
urrrrgh " Maaaaaa-Heeeer ?"
" No, nevermind"
" Ok fair enough....I see you've brought your friend, what's his name"
" Oh, this is Maher"
" Oh...same name as you !"
" What ? What are you talking about....I am Maher...he is Maher...how is this the same?"
So fuck him. He's now " Buddy" and his partner is " Captain"..or occassionally "Pal".
Anyway, I mention this because I got a storm water report today from a guy. He's a foreign national. And instead of him involking the opportunity to Americanize his name he stood true to his family heritage. His report way proudly signed:
"Yong Fook Ho"
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Extended weekend, from hell
Friday night I tripped and fell into a bottle of vodka.
I had seen a television program where a brewer or whatever the hell they call a dude who makes spirits said that premium vodka, super filtered and distilled, is so pure that it minimizes your chances for a hangover. He also said that despite that, if you drank enough of it that you'd still get sick.
I can attest to the fact that he's right on at least the second part.
Saturday was a wash. Other then repeated trips to McDonalds, I don't remember much.
I'm up to 215 lbs.
Superbowl Sunday I spent at the local fire hall in a poker tournament. Actually two poker tournaments. I finished 2nd and 1st....and I second hand smoked 3 packs of cigarettes. I think my real advantage was being the only one there who's blood alcohol level was lower than Rex Grossman's QB rating.
All I can say is thank God that there weren't any fires in the Boro Sunday night.
Yesterday was spent cleaning up vomit. But for once it wasn't my own.
Yes, I know, I live the life of a prince. Someone should do a reality TV show of my life. They could just film for a couple of days and then just run it as an endless loop...all they'd really need to do is have some special effects guys add 2 lbs a month to my character.
I had seen a television program where a brewer or whatever the hell they call a dude who makes spirits said that premium vodka, super filtered and distilled, is so pure that it minimizes your chances for a hangover. He also said that despite that, if you drank enough of it that you'd still get sick.
I can attest to the fact that he's right on at least the second part.
Saturday was a wash. Other then repeated trips to McDonalds, I don't remember much.
I'm up to 215 lbs.
Superbowl Sunday I spent at the local fire hall in a poker tournament. Actually two poker tournaments. I finished 2nd and 1st....and I second hand smoked 3 packs of cigarettes. I think my real advantage was being the only one there who's blood alcohol level was lower than Rex Grossman's QB rating.
All I can say is thank God that there weren't any fires in the Boro Sunday night.
Yesterday was spent cleaning up vomit. But for once it wasn't my own.
Yes, I know, I live the life of a prince. Someone should do a reality TV show of my life. They could just film for a couple of days and then just run it as an endless loop...all they'd really need to do is have some special effects guys add 2 lbs a month to my character.
Monday, February 05, 2007
home today
Great weekend for me, but not for the kids.
Home sick looking after them.
Will write more when all the barf buckets are emptied.
Home sick looking after them.
Will write more when all the barf buckets are emptied.
Friday, February 02, 2007
caught red handed
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) -- Mayor Gavin Newsom apologized Thursday for having a sexual relationship with his former campaign manager's wife.
"I'm deeply sorry," Newsom said during a brief news conference at City Hall the day after the aide resigned. Newsom appeared poised but visibly emotional. He spoke for about a minute and left without taking questions.
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I like how he doesn't expand on what he's sorry about. If he's getting emotional about it I suspect he's mostly sorry he wont be hitting that any more.
While lamenting the fact that I can no longer play online poker, I started considering all the other things that, as a "free" person in America that I'm unable to do...which got me thinking about some basic TRUTHS that we can all agree on but that remain fucked up. I really don't want to turn this into a rant, but how is it possible that everyone agrees that these things are fucked up, but nothing EVER gets done about them ?
1) INCOME TAX - the format is fucked, the rate is fucked, the process is fucked. There's not a person on the planet who doesn't think that the entire process is a complete and total cluster-fuck. How retarded is it that a normal, intelligent person, with an average source of income has to go to a professional to ensure that they are not violating the law. Did you read about the poor fucker who won the space ride...absurd.
I don't know what the answer is, but I suspect a flat tax is a step in the right direction. It seems to me the the current system exists to confuse people into realizing that they're being ripped off and that we are on the verge of turning into a socialist state. I say, set a flat tax, you pay that portion of your income, and that's it. And I'd say cap that shit at like 25%...theres no way that you should have to give up any more than 25% of what you earn...I mean religous titheing is only 10% and thats for God !
2) This is for Pennsylvania....How is it possible that I cannot go into a grocery store and buy a bottle of wine or a case of beer !?!?!?! I have to go to a STATE OWNED STORE to buy a bottle of wine ?!?! Why ? I'm not grown up enough to be able to have access to wine ? Fucking retarded up and down. And an unfair fucking monopoly. Then they pass a law that if you live on the border of the state...it's against the law to buy shit and bring it into the state !
PS there's a 25% TAX on all alcohol in the state. Your 6 pack just went from $6 to $7.50. That seems fair.
3) College Football playoff system - I mean come on....this is so obvious its just retarded that its not done already.
There's plenty of other stuff that I think is fairly obvious, but I understand that there are a fair number of kooks who will disagree because they're irrational, ignorant, and fearful...so we can leave legalized gambling, legalized pot, and getting the state out of the marriage business for another day.
"I'm deeply sorry," Newsom said during a brief news conference at City Hall the day after the aide resigned. Newsom appeared poised but visibly emotional. He spoke for about a minute and left without taking questions.
--------------
I like how he doesn't expand on what he's sorry about. If he's getting emotional about it I suspect he's mostly sorry he wont be hitting that any more.
While lamenting the fact that I can no longer play online poker, I started considering all the other things that, as a "free" person in America that I'm unable to do...which got me thinking about some basic TRUTHS that we can all agree on but that remain fucked up. I really don't want to turn this into a rant, but how is it possible that everyone agrees that these things are fucked up, but nothing EVER gets done about them ?
1) INCOME TAX - the format is fucked, the rate is fucked, the process is fucked. There's not a person on the planet who doesn't think that the entire process is a complete and total cluster-fuck. How retarded is it that a normal, intelligent person, with an average source of income has to go to a professional to ensure that they are not violating the law. Did you read about the poor fucker who won the space ride...absurd.
I don't know what the answer is, but I suspect a flat tax is a step in the right direction. It seems to me the the current system exists to confuse people into realizing that they're being ripped off and that we are on the verge of turning into a socialist state. I say, set a flat tax, you pay that portion of your income, and that's it. And I'd say cap that shit at like 25%...theres no way that you should have to give up any more than 25% of what you earn...I mean religous titheing is only 10% and thats for God !
2) This is for Pennsylvania....How is it possible that I cannot go into a grocery store and buy a bottle of wine or a case of beer !?!?!?! I have to go to a STATE OWNED STORE to buy a bottle of wine ?!?! Why ? I'm not grown up enough to be able to have access to wine ? Fucking retarded up and down. And an unfair fucking monopoly. Then they pass a law that if you live on the border of the state...it's against the law to buy shit and bring it into the state !
PS there's a 25% TAX on all alcohol in the state. Your 6 pack just went from $6 to $7.50. That seems fair.
3) College Football playoff system - I mean come on....this is so obvious its just retarded that its not done already.
There's plenty of other stuff that I think is fairly obvious, but I understand that there are a fair number of kooks who will disagree because they're irrational, ignorant, and fearful...so we can leave legalized gambling, legalized pot, and getting the state out of the marriage business for another day.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
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