The 5 year old

I may have mentioned before that my youngest daughter is insane..but in a good way.

The other two need attention while she can play happily on her own. The other two need validation while she needs to be told that she can't drive a car. When the other two hurt themselves on the swingset in the backyard they run to their mother crying...and when she hurts herself on the swingset she gets the gas can and tries to set the entire jungle gym ablaze.

She has an imaginary friend named Chloe. Yesterday we were driving in the car and out of no where I got whacked in the back of the head with a rolled up coloring book.

" WHAT ARE YOU DOING !?!?!", I hollered.

" That wasn't me, that was Chloe ! ", she offered defiantly.

" Well tell Chloe to CUT IT THE HELL OUT !", I yelled.

" CHLOE !", she mimiced, " CUT IT THE HELL OUT !!!"

Then after a pregnant pause she said, " I'm telling Mom that you made me say a bad word"

One day she was going on and on about "poop". "Poop" this and "poop" that. I could tell the entire time that the only reason that she was saying it was because she knew she wasn't suppose to. Every time she said "poop" she'd look over at me to see if it would elliceit a response.

After a while I finally, calmly said something, " Honey, you know you're not suppose to say that word."

" Why, is it a bad word ?", she asked.

" Yeah, so just stop saying it."

Surprisingly she just stopped and went on doing some other stuff. "Hey, I'm getting good at this parenting thing", I proudly thought to myself.

A little later in the day she walked up to me and said, " Dad, can I ask you a question ?"

" Sure honey"

" When you go to heaven, do you see all your friends and family who are dead ?

" Yeah...sure"

" And then when you're up there with everyone, do you have fun ?"

" I suppose you do. "

" Well what do you do ? Are there games to play ?"

" Yeah, sure....every game you ever wanted to play is up there !"

For some reason this pleased her and a smile broke out across her face, " OK ! Is there music up there ?"

" Absolutely...every song that was ever made is in heaven."

Her smile grew and she continued, " How about food ? Is there food in heaven."

" Oh yes dear, all the food you eat..every food of every kind !"

Now her grin was ear to ear, " Cakes ? Pie ? Everything ?"

" Yep, everything."

Now her tone changed...She still had a big smile on her face but her voice and posture transformed from that of a 5 year old into that D.A. from Law and Order.

" So if you're up in heaven, running around with you friend and eating all this food you're talking about.."

" yeah ?", I answered a little puzzled at her tone.

"...sooner or later you're going to get very full aren't you ?", at this point I almost expected her to ask some imaginary judge if she could treat me as a hostile witness or something.

Uh, sure"

" AND when your belly gets full you go poop right ??!!"

" I suppose "

" AHHHH HAAAAAAAA !" and she jabbed her little finger at me, " SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT THERE IS POOP IN HEAVEN ???!!!"

" yeah..I suppose...but..."

She didn't let me continue, " and since everything is heaven is GOOD...then POOP MUST BE GOOD ! "

" no...you...but..", I stammered like a fool.

" AAAANNNNNNNDDDDDDDDD....if POOP is GOOD, then there's nothing wrong with saying POOOOPPPPP right ?! POOOP POOOOOP POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP !!!!! "

When she finally stopped we both just stood there staring at each other. I was equal parts stunned and pissed and had no idea what to do. All I could think was, " That little bitch just set me up ". We stood there like two gun fighters, toe to toe both frozen in time.

Finally she broke the trance... "Come on Chloe, lets get outta here." and while I stood there wondering what the hell had just happened, she spun on her heel, turned 180 degrees, and skipped away singing a little song.