She doesn't like to be told twice

" fliiiiiicccckkkkkkkkk ?!"

I swear, sometimes I think that there's a button underneath the toilet seat that makes people scream when I sit down.

" FLLIIICCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK !?"

I assumed that embarassing position that half way resembles a downhill skiier in tuck and half way resembles a very large dog shitting and shuffled over to the door.

" WHAT ?!?!"

" The children are killing each other in the basement."

" Well can you just deal with it for now, I'm right in the middle of something !"

When I came out of the bathroom the house was eerily silent. I went downstairs to find the boy sitting on the couch whimpering with an ice pack on his face.

" What's going on ?", I asked my wife.

" Your daughter", ( MY daughter...with that tone and desciption that could only mean the 5 year old) my wife continued, " scratched the boys face and now he's bleeding."

With that she pulled the ice pack off the boy, exposing a couple of bleeding scrapes, and sending him into a wailing fit.

I should note that the boy is almost 8 years old. But beyond that he's the biggest kid in his class by 3 inches and he weights 80 lbs. The youngest girl might weigh half that, maybe, and is one of the smaller kids in the class.

My wife continued, " She up in her bed, you need to go deal with her."

I walked into the room and she was sitting there with her arms crossed, a frown on her face, and starting straight down.

" What did you do to your brother !", I asked sternly.

" He was calling me names !", as usual she went right on the offensive.

" Well I don't care what he did. What are you supposed to do when someone is mean to you ?", I asked.

" Come see you.", except it come out in begrudging grunts, " Come....see....you...urgh."

" AND...if that doesn't work, then what ?!", I keep on her.

" Yeah but...but", she realized that bullrushing me wasn't working so she moved to plan B...pity, " He was called me a THERAPIST !"

Now that got my attention, " He call...he....WHAT ?!"

" He called me a therapist !", she continued gaining her confidence back.

" Well I don't care what he called you, what are you supposed to do ?", I got myself back on track.

Uh-oh, distracting me didn't work, she moved right onto plan C...lieing, " Well I tried to come tell you...but he tackled me and held me down."

" He tackled you and held you down...that's your story ?", i had heard this before.

" YES !"

" So, I'm going to go downstairs and asks your brother and if that's not true you're in big trouble.", I bluffed.

" Well..", now she was getting really angry, " well he wouldn't even remember !"

Weak.

" He wouldn't remember eh ? Well seeing as he was the one holding you down, allegedly, I suspect he'd remember. Now I'll ask you one more time before I go downstairs....did he hold you down ?"

" FINE !!! FINE!!! NO !!!", and she burst into tears.

I send her to bed for the night and went down to check on the boy.

He was still sitting there pouting and I asked, " What did you do to your sister ?"

" NOTHING ! I was cleaning the basement like Mom said to and I told her she had to help. Then a minute later, when she didn't get up, I told her a second time. The she got up, picked up the dominos tin, whacked me in the head, then jumped on me and and started clawing my faces. All I did was tell her twice !"

" Did you call her any names ?", I asked.

" Yes, I'm sorry.", and then he started crying, " but it hurt and I got mad...I'm sorry"

" That was after she attacked you. What did you say to her BEFORE that ?"

" Nothing. I didn't call her nuthin..I just told her she had to help me, I swear"

So I had to ask, " Are you sure ? Did you call her a therapist ?"

He stopped sobbing and turned and looked at me puzzled, " A what ?"

" A therapist...did you call her a therapist ?", I felt foolish even asking.

" No why would I call her that. I'm not even sure what that is ?", he said.

" Yeah, that's what I suspected." I answered the boy, " But if this stuff keeps up, I"m gonna be the one calling her a therapist."

" Yeah ?", he coninuted, "Well if you do that you better watch out. She's nuts."