As I cut the lawn last night, the kids were out playing in the front of the house.
The boy was running around falling over as he's apt to do. The girls had laid out a blanket and Hot Gril was doing the youngest girls hair. It was quite the suburban dream.
After a while in the back I came around the other side of the house. The boy was still tripping over his gigantic feet, but the girls had moved to the the edge of the road. In addition, they were standing there, facing the road, each holding a basket and a sign.
I turned off the mower and walked over.
The first girl was holding a sign that read " Buy Or Berries" and in the basket was a pile of crabapples that they had plucked from our tree.
The other girl had a sign that read " Look at the pretty girl. Give us money"
WTF !?!?!?
" What are you doing ?!"
" What's wrong dad ?"
" You can't ....I mean....you can't ask people to give you money because you are pretty."
" Why not ?"
" Because....well because people just aren't going to give you money because you're pretty."
" Sure they will."
" Yeah...but...well...take all this stuff down ! You'll distract the drivers and someone will crash into a tree"
" Oh OK. I didn't think of that. Thanks Daddy."
I am so dead.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
when you wish upon a star
For some reason I went back and read some stuff I wrote in June.
I used to be a lot funnier in June.
I've been catching a lot of flack in the online poker chat rooms for wishing diseases on people who beat me with some ridiculous play. I try to be civil but sometime I just need to get it out of my system. For those playing at home the hierarchy of diseases I wish on people go something like:
* syphillus
* leprosy
* AIDS
* cancer
* really bad cancer
There are different variants depending on the situation, but those are the stand-bys.
Not so surprisingly, when I launch into one of the volleys it's usually not well received. And I don't mean by the recipient...he's usually to busy counting all my money to care. It's usually other people at the table who get their panties in a wed.
Well today it occurred to me the silliness of it all ( I mean beyond my irrational behavior, that's a given). What I mean is....my wishing bad shit on people isn't going to make it happen. If I had some sort of super powers that allowed shit to happen because I wished it true...don't you think I would have wished pretty fucking hard that the idiot who called my AA with his 44 wouldn't hit his 4 on the river. I mean for $100, I probably would have busted out a special wish or two.
And nevermind that. If my wishes came true, do you think I'd be playing online poker in the first place. If I could wish shit true there wouldn't be much free time between beating Tiger on the PGA tour and lugging around my gigantic penis.
Some people.....dumb I tell you, just dumb.
I used to be a lot funnier in June.
I've been catching a lot of flack in the online poker chat rooms for wishing diseases on people who beat me with some ridiculous play. I try to be civil but sometime I just need to get it out of my system. For those playing at home the hierarchy of diseases I wish on people go something like:
* syphillus
* leprosy
* AIDS
* cancer
* really bad cancer
There are different variants depending on the situation, but those are the stand-bys.
Not so surprisingly, when I launch into one of the volleys it's usually not well received. And I don't mean by the recipient...he's usually to busy counting all my money to care. It's usually other people at the table who get their panties in a wed.
Well today it occurred to me the silliness of it all ( I mean beyond my irrational behavior, that's a given). What I mean is....my wishing bad shit on people isn't going to make it happen. If I had some sort of super powers that allowed shit to happen because I wished it true...don't you think I would have wished pretty fucking hard that the idiot who called my AA with his 44 wouldn't hit his 4 on the river. I mean for $100, I probably would have busted out a special wish or two.
And nevermind that. If my wishes came true, do you think I'd be playing online poker in the first place. If I could wish shit true there wouldn't be much free time between beating Tiger on the PGA tour and lugging around my gigantic penis.
Some people.....dumb I tell you, just dumb.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
type faster
If the previous post seems like it was type in a hurried manner, it's because the whole time I was writing it I had to poop very badly.
I'm all better now thanks.
I'm all better now thanks.
birds of a feather ( not a poker story, so hang in there)
Around 2:30 am everyone else had left. Ron was sleeping in the recliner and Uncle Walt was finishing up his third liter of wine while sizing me up. " Get the chips...we're playing heads up !"
" Come on Uncle Walt, I'm tired.", I implored, " We played for 6 hours, isn't that enough ?"
" I wasn't asking...get the chips.". He's 6 foot 2, 240 lbs, and had 3 liters of wine in him. I got the chips.
The next 15 minutes when pretty much like this....I'd come in, he'd bet something like $5 into a 50 cent pot, I'd fold, and he's yell, " AWWW COME ON.....DON'T YOU WANT TO PLAY ?"
" No, actually I don't want to play, I want to sleep.", I'd say.
" Now don't start getting weird on me !"
Finally, by the grace of god I got dealt AA. I raised, he went all in and flipped over 44. As he went to deal, I could see that the card on the bottom of the deck was a 4. Before he dealt I said, " Uncle Walt....before you deal the cards let me make you this offer...let's just split the money up evenly and go to bed."
" No way, I feel lucky, I have two 4's in the deck."
" Well maybe you should take a peek at the bottom of the deck then"
" OK," he conceeded, " Let's get some sleep"
We woke Ron up and went into the main house. Walt had a guest room set up for us. Just before he walked us into the room Uncle Walt whispered, " Shhhh, watch this." He opened the door and in his booming voice said, " HEY ! YOU FUCKER! GUESS WHO'S HERE ?"
And with that, all he'll broke loose in the darkened room....SKWALKKKKKKK SKWALLLLLK.
And a big smile came over Uncle Walt's face as he giggled like a schoolgirl, " ahahahahahahah YOU FUCKER ! I'M GONNA GUT YA AND PUT YOU ON THE DINNER TABLE !" and he approached what appeared to be a cage, but it was covered with a giant burlap sack.
Inside the giant sack was one freaked out bird having a caniption fit...flapping and flying into the sides of the cage. At first it sounded like the thing was frightened, then I realized it was much to aggressive for that....the thing was trying to get out of the cage to kill something. Some dudes raise Pit Bulls to fight, it appeared the Uncle Walt was raising a killer Cockatiel.
After working the bird into a lather, he started to walk out. " Thanks. Thanks a lot," I said, " The bird should stop freaking out just in time for us to leave. That's fantastic." The room was maybe 10x15 and now had two exhausted drunks and a freaked out killer bird. Uncle Walt just laughed.
Then as he was walking out the door, he paused...seeing one of his kids old toys ( I think this room was used as a storage room. " HEY ! Simon. You ever play this game ?"
" Yeah, I've played it. Good night.", I tried to hurry him out.
He started pushing the buttons trying to turn the thing on, " All the words are rubber off this old thing...which button turns this on ?"
" I don't know, come on...go to bed."
SIMON....LAST.....LONGER.....Simon came to life .
" WAHOO ! You played this huh ? How good are you at it ?", Uncle Walt asked as he started pushing the buttons....beep....beep...boop....boop.
" I dunno Unlce Walt. I just want to sleep."
Ron, who to this point was laying with his face in his pillow hoping in would all end couldn't help himself, " I know how long he can do it for..."
Uncle Walt took the bait, " how long is that ?"
No Ron, please don't say it.....but he had to, " One more beep than you."
Game on.
I went first and made it to level 7. Uncle Walt went second and made to to level 4 before he messed up the second move. " Dammit !"
Ron looked up from the pillow again, " you couldn't even get the second one ?"
" GET UP ! EVERYONE UP ! WE'RE PLAYING SIMON ! GET THE FUCK UP !"
Thankfully, and after getting my dollar for my victory, I convinced Uncle Walt to go to bed. Finally, at 3:30 am we were going to get some sleep.
And the bird was quiet, the lights were out, and I laid me head upon the pillow.
SIMON......LAST......LONGER.....
oh no
SIMON......LAST......LONGER.....
please sweet Jesus
SIMON......LAST......LONGER.....
does anyone know how to turn this thing off ?
" Come on Uncle Walt, I'm tired.", I implored, " We played for 6 hours, isn't that enough ?"
" I wasn't asking...get the chips.". He's 6 foot 2, 240 lbs, and had 3 liters of wine in him. I got the chips.
The next 15 minutes when pretty much like this....I'd come in, he'd bet something like $5 into a 50 cent pot, I'd fold, and he's yell, " AWWW COME ON.....DON'T YOU WANT TO PLAY ?"
" No, actually I don't want to play, I want to sleep.", I'd say.
" Now don't start getting weird on me !"
Finally, by the grace of god I got dealt AA. I raised, he went all in and flipped over 44. As he went to deal, I could see that the card on the bottom of the deck was a 4. Before he dealt I said, " Uncle Walt....before you deal the cards let me make you this offer...let's just split the money up evenly and go to bed."
" No way, I feel lucky, I have two 4's in the deck."
" Well maybe you should take a peek at the bottom of the deck then"
" OK," he conceeded, " Let's get some sleep"
We woke Ron up and went into the main house. Walt had a guest room set up for us. Just before he walked us into the room Uncle Walt whispered, " Shhhh, watch this." He opened the door and in his booming voice said, " HEY ! YOU FUCKER! GUESS WHO'S HERE ?"
And with that, all he'll broke loose in the darkened room....SKWALKKKKKKK SKWALLLLLK.
And a big smile came over Uncle Walt's face as he giggled like a schoolgirl, " ahahahahahahah YOU FUCKER ! I'M GONNA GUT YA AND PUT YOU ON THE DINNER TABLE !" and he approached what appeared to be a cage, but it was covered with a giant burlap sack.
Inside the giant sack was one freaked out bird having a caniption fit...flapping and flying into the sides of the cage. At first it sounded like the thing was frightened, then I realized it was much to aggressive for that....the thing was trying to get out of the cage to kill something. Some dudes raise Pit Bulls to fight, it appeared the Uncle Walt was raising a killer Cockatiel.
After working the bird into a lather, he started to walk out. " Thanks. Thanks a lot," I said, " The bird should stop freaking out just in time for us to leave. That's fantastic." The room was maybe 10x15 and now had two exhausted drunks and a freaked out killer bird. Uncle Walt just laughed.
Then as he was walking out the door, he paused...seeing one of his kids old toys ( I think this room was used as a storage room. " HEY ! Simon. You ever play this game ?"
" Yeah, I've played it. Good night.", I tried to hurry him out.
He started pushing the buttons trying to turn the thing on, " All the words are rubber off this old thing...which button turns this on ?"
" I don't know, come on...go to bed."
SIMON....LAST.....LONGER.....Simon came to life .
" WAHOO ! You played this huh ? How good are you at it ?", Uncle Walt asked as he started pushing the buttons....beep....beep...boop....boop.
" I dunno Unlce Walt. I just want to sleep."
Ron, who to this point was laying with his face in his pillow hoping in would all end couldn't help himself, " I know how long he can do it for..."
Uncle Walt took the bait, " how long is that ?"
No Ron, please don't say it.....but he had to, " One more beep than you."
Game on.
I went first and made it to level 7. Uncle Walt went second and made to to level 4 before he messed up the second move. " Dammit !"
Ron looked up from the pillow again, " you couldn't even get the second one ?"
" GET UP ! EVERYONE UP ! WE'RE PLAYING SIMON ! GET THE FUCK UP !"
Thankfully, and after getting my dollar for my victory, I convinced Uncle Walt to go to bed. Finally, at 3:30 am we were going to get some sleep.
And the bird was quiet, the lights were out, and I laid me head upon the pillow.
SIMON......LAST......LONGER.....
oh no
SIMON......LAST......LONGER.....
please sweet Jesus
SIMON......LAST......LONGER.....
does anyone know how to turn this thing off ?
Monday, September 25, 2006
what's a brother to do ?
I told myself I wasn't going to post anymore videos or links. That I was going to make an honest effort to start writing again.
But then I came across this. I mean, home am I going to beat a bear on a trampoline ?
But then I came across this. I mean, home am I going to beat a bear on a trampoline ?
Friday, September 22, 2006
HERE'S WHY
Why am I being lazy....why am I not posting as much as I should...why do they know me by name at the beer distributor...here's why.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
MORE !
I rode my bike last night in the training race and was so focused on not getting killed that I hadn't noticed I was sitting on the tip of my saddle and was wearing a hole through my nutsack.
Maybe that's an overstatement as I didn't fully breach the perimeter of the sackus nuttus but if my balls were my car tires I'd fail inspection for a lack of tread.
Yeah, bike racing is great.
If you like the previous post you'll like the first minute and a half of this.
The dude on the stilts fucks some people up.
Maybe that's an overstatement as I didn't fully breach the perimeter of the sackus nuttus but if my balls were my car tires I'd fail inspection for a lack of tread.
Yeah, bike racing is great.
If you like the previous post you'll like the first minute and a half of this.
The dude on the stilts fucks some people up.
Ye Ole Lightning Bolt
A friend owns a local Renascence Faire.
Its a great business. It contributes to the local economy. He does a great job.
That being said, it's a Renascence Faire dude...people are going to bust your balls about it. Plus you're making money, what do you care if you gotta if you gotta eat a little shit.
Hey, if it bugs you that much start spelling is FAIR instead of FAIRE...and oh yeah, stop having events like this...
Its a great business. It contributes to the local economy. He does a great job.
That being said, it's a Renascence Faire dude...people are going to bust your balls about it. Plus you're making money, what do you care if you gotta if you gotta eat a little shit.
Hey, if it bugs you that much start spelling is FAIR instead of FAIRE...and oh yeah, stop having events like this...
Monday, September 18, 2006
Friday, September 15, 2006
....what the heck....
If you find yourself at a poker table and a guy utters the phrase
" ...what the heck..."
as in " I shouldn't call, but what the heck"
or " I know I'm losing, but what the heck"
I suggest you cover your asshole and run.
" What the heck " really means
" I have a 1 in 50 chance of winning here but I'm going to go ahead and be a retarded, lead paint eating, head injury, labotomized, donkey....but what the heck....watch me hit two perfect cards in a row to go ahead and win "
and let's not forget...
" And then watch me pump my fist like I'm some sort of genius....and now watch me give all of those chips away in the next 5 hands making a similarly stupid play "
Yeah.......what the heck....
At least I'm not bitter.
Fuck that, I AM bitter.
This is almost exactly what I looked like last night.
" ...what the heck..."
as in " I shouldn't call, but what the heck"
or " I know I'm losing, but what the heck"
I suggest you cover your asshole and run.
" What the heck " really means
" I have a 1 in 50 chance of winning here but I'm going to go ahead and be a retarded, lead paint eating, head injury, labotomized, donkey....but what the heck....watch me hit two perfect cards in a row to go ahead and win "
and let's not forget...
" And then watch me pump my fist like I'm some sort of genius....and now watch me give all of those chips away in the next 5 hands making a similarly stupid play "
Yeah.......what the heck....
At least I'm not bitter.
Fuck that, I AM bitter.
This is almost exactly what I looked like last night.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
another good police story
Every once in a while the police do something that makes me think that I'm too harsh on them. Then just as I'm reconsidering my position I can usually count on them to fuck it up. For instance....
A few years back the police used some quick thinking and the heart attack paddles in their car to revive a guy and save his life. It was acutally pretty cool, so we decided to do a little story about it in our municipal newletter.
I asked the heart attack man to come in around the shift change so we could reunite him with the two officers and maybe take a picture. So around 5 pm heart attack man, his wife and his grandson came in and met with the two officers who were getting off of their shift.
Now I need to point out that almost all the officers are former football players and former military...usually army infantry. So we're talking about big...giant actually...macho...beefheads. And unbeknownst to me (and just about anyone else) they must get ready for their police shift like they used to get up for their high school football games....you know smacking each other around, screaming, smashing their heads into stuff...whatever.
So I'm upstairs in the meeting room having a heartfelt moment with the people upstairs. Tears are welling up in everyone's eyes as the old man thanks the officers, and the officers meet the wife...and the little boy thanks them for saving his grandpa...and then it begins.
As I'm starting to assemble everyone for the picture we could faintly hear the first volley of words
.....smash...crash....FAGGOT !.....smash....FAGGOT !.....
I tried to continue, we all tried to continue, awkwardly pretending like we hadn't hear anything.
...FAGGOT !......FAAAAGGGGGG........OOOOOTTTTT !!!!! and more smashing.
Now it was really really awkward and everyone was sitting quickly and smile so I could take the picture.
FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT FAG....OT...FAGGOTFAGGOTFAGGOT......FFFFFAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTT !!!!!
I quickly took the damn picture and got the hell out of there.
A typical moment ruined.
A few years back the police used some quick thinking and the heart attack paddles in their car to revive a guy and save his life. It was acutally pretty cool, so we decided to do a little story about it in our municipal newletter.
I asked the heart attack man to come in around the shift change so we could reunite him with the two officers and maybe take a picture. So around 5 pm heart attack man, his wife and his grandson came in and met with the two officers who were getting off of their shift.
Now I need to point out that almost all the officers are former football players and former military...usually army infantry. So we're talking about big...giant actually...macho...beefheads. And unbeknownst to me (and just about anyone else) they must get ready for their police shift like they used to get up for their high school football games....you know smacking each other around, screaming, smashing their heads into stuff...whatever.
So I'm upstairs in the meeting room having a heartfelt moment with the people upstairs. Tears are welling up in everyone's eyes as the old man thanks the officers, and the officers meet the wife...and the little boy thanks them for saving his grandpa...and then it begins.
As I'm starting to assemble everyone for the picture we could faintly hear the first volley of words
.....smash...crash....FAGGOT !.....smash....FAGGOT !.....
I tried to continue, we all tried to continue, awkwardly pretending like we hadn't hear anything.
...FAGGOT !......FAAAAGGGGGG........OOOOOTTTTT !!!!! and more smashing.
Now it was really really awkward and everyone was sitting quickly and smile so I could take the picture.
FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT FAG....OT...FAGGOTFAGGOTFAGGOT......FFFFFAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTT !!!!!
I quickly took the damn picture and got the hell out of there.
A typical moment ruined.
First Responders
Let me begin by saying that I appreciate the work that emergency personnel do. I acknowledge that without fire, police, and ambulance personel that we'd be in a lot of trouble. I wouldn't want their jobs and I'm glad that someone is doing it.
All that being said I feel it necessary to point out that, as a species, they tend to be complete assholes. There... I said it. In fact I'll expound...at least in terms of the police, they tend to be the most dysfunction and reprehensible people I've even has the displeasure of having to deal with. There...now it's out on the table.
If you think that's harsh, you've apparently never been pulled of for something like not coming to a "complete" stop at an intersection or some bullshit like that.
We had the fire company come in yesterday and make their annual request for funding. Last year they received $22,500 plus we made some capital purchases. This year that came in and, as usual, asked for more money. What was unexpected was the amount of this year's increase.
After the typical song and dance about how hard training is and how they put their lives on the line blah blah blah, they finally got around to a number...
" we'd like an increase for 2007"
" ok how much"
" ahhh....$250,000"
" pardon me ?"
" yeah, 250,000"
" Wait a second, last year we gave you 25,000 which was a third of your operating budget....has something changed ?"
" No, not really. Our operating budget is around $68,000"
" So ....ahhhh...where do you come up with $250,000"
" Well a Township your size should spend around a million on fire companies, and there are 4 fire companies...so that's around $250,000"
" Hey I know you're a fire man but are you pulling my hose ?"
And that type of entitlement is a thousand times worse with the unionized police.
We were discussing a merger with another local municipality. I informed the police that if we merged that they'd get the best of both contracts. This meant that if one place got 10 sick days and the other got 15...they'd all get the greater of the two ....15. If one started at $40,000 and the other at $38,0000...then $40,000 would be the mark.
Those douchebags somehow interpreted that to mean that you'd COMBINE the two benefit schedules. Seriously ! And you don't DARE question their assumptions or you're the asshole. That conversation went something like...
Me: So am I to understand that you guys think that we're going to combine benefits
Officer Dorkhead: Sure
Me: So how many holidays do you think you'll be entitled to ?
O.D: 21
Me: 21 holidays !?!?!? How many sickdays ?
O.D. 25
Me: Bahahahahaha......21 holidays, 25 sickdays, 6 weeks vacation, 4 personal days...bahahahhaha...and I suppose you're intending to start people at $80,000 ? Bahahaha, are you serious ?
O.D.: HEY MAN YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE...WE RISK OUR LIVES OUT THERE EVERYDAY !
Me: Bahahaha....when are you going to work...I think WE owe YOU days...bahahah....and risk your lives ?! The last time someone drew their gun in the Township was to put a sick pig out if it's misery and that was in like '92
O.D.: WE'RE OUT THERE ON THE FRONT LINES...WE'RE THE BLUE SHIELD
Me: Dude, seriously...did you really think that you were going to get 21 holidays
O.D: HOMELAND SECURITY !!!!
Me: Homeland...what ? I am asking..serious did you...
O.D: 9 - 11
Me: ...believe that you....
O.D. 9 - 11
Me: ...that you were going to...
O.D. NINE - ELEVEN !!!!
Me: .....get 21 holidays ?
O.D.: 9119119119919911919191919homelandsecurityOSAMNA BIN LADEN !!!!!
Osama indeed.
BTW I'm now known in local police circles as the guy who tried to take away half of the police holidays ! Now I have to drive everywhere 5 miles under the speed limit.
All that being said I feel it necessary to point out that, as a species, they tend to be complete assholes. There... I said it. In fact I'll expound...at least in terms of the police, they tend to be the most dysfunction and reprehensible people I've even has the displeasure of having to deal with. There...now it's out on the table.
If you think that's harsh, you've apparently never been pulled of for something like not coming to a "complete" stop at an intersection or some bullshit like that.
We had the fire company come in yesterday and make their annual request for funding. Last year they received $22,500 plus we made some capital purchases. This year that came in and, as usual, asked for more money. What was unexpected was the amount of this year's increase.
After the typical song and dance about how hard training is and how they put their lives on the line blah blah blah, they finally got around to a number...
" we'd like an increase for 2007"
" ok how much"
" ahhh....$250,000"
" pardon me ?"
" yeah, 250,000"
" Wait a second, last year we gave you 25,000 which was a third of your operating budget....has something changed ?"
" No, not really. Our operating budget is around $68,000"
" So ....ahhhh...where do you come up with $250,000"
" Well a Township your size should spend around a million on fire companies, and there are 4 fire companies...so that's around $250,000"
" Hey I know you're a fire man but are you pulling my hose ?"
And that type of entitlement is a thousand times worse with the unionized police.
We were discussing a merger with another local municipality. I informed the police that if we merged that they'd get the best of both contracts. This meant that if one place got 10 sick days and the other got 15...they'd all get the greater of the two ....15. If one started at $40,000 and the other at $38,0000...then $40,000 would be the mark.
Those douchebags somehow interpreted that to mean that you'd COMBINE the two benefit schedules. Seriously ! And you don't DARE question their assumptions or you're the asshole. That conversation went something like...
Me: So am I to understand that you guys think that we're going to combine benefits
Officer Dorkhead: Sure
Me: So how many holidays do you think you'll be entitled to ?
O.D: 21
Me: 21 holidays !?!?!? How many sickdays ?
O.D. 25
Me: Bahahahahaha......21 holidays, 25 sickdays, 6 weeks vacation, 4 personal days...bahahahhaha...and I suppose you're intending to start people at $80,000 ? Bahahaha, are you serious ?
O.D.: HEY MAN YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE...WE RISK OUR LIVES OUT THERE EVERYDAY !
Me: Bahahaha....when are you going to work...I think WE owe YOU days...bahahah....and risk your lives ?! The last time someone drew their gun in the Township was to put a sick pig out if it's misery and that was in like '92
O.D.: WE'RE OUT THERE ON THE FRONT LINES...WE'RE THE BLUE SHIELD
Me: Dude, seriously...did you really think that you were going to get 21 holidays
O.D: HOMELAND SECURITY !!!!
Me: Homeland...what ? I am asking..serious did you...
O.D: 9 - 11
Me: ...believe that you....
O.D. 9 - 11
Me: ...that you were going to...
O.D. NINE - ELEVEN !!!!
Me: .....get 21 holidays ?
O.D.: 9119119119919911919191919homelandsecurityOSAMNA BIN LADEN !!!!!
Osama indeed.
BTW I'm now known in local police circles as the guy who tried to take away half of the police holidays ! Now I have to drive everywhere 5 miles under the speed limit.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
My Job
People occassionally ask what my job is like.
The following pretty close to what I get to deal with on a daily basis is service to the community as a local government official.
Give this guy a minute to get warmed up, he finishes strong. They always do.
And for the record I believe the phrase he uses is " cowardly, lemonheaded, terrorist, pussy "
David Thompson's MySpace page. Jon Mark Karr is on his friends list.
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=88339141
People are freakin funny.
The following pretty close to what I get to deal with on a daily basis is service to the community as a local government official.
Give this guy a minute to get warmed up, he finishes strong. They always do.
And for the record I believe the phrase he uses is " cowardly, lemonheaded, terrorist, pussy "
David Thompson's MySpace page. Jon Mark Karr is on his friends list.
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=88339141
People are freakin funny.
Monday, September 11, 2006
day of mourning
I know that this date brings with it a lot of emotion for a lot of reasons. After hearing some news this morning, I'll have an additional reason to be reflective on this date.
Sadly, Douglas Foreman was killed in an automobile accident last evening. Doug was an enormously proud father, a husband who had great love for his wife, and a guy who's entusiasm for life was infectious. He'll be missed by anyone who had the pleasure of spending any time with him.
In rememberance, I'm reposting a story about him that ran previously in the blog:
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
rock garden
Occassionally I run into people who find my actions and reactions to be a bit excessive. So i find it a nice balance when I find someone on the other side of the line, someone who shares my sense of fairness and justice.
This weekend I met such a guy.
This guy was going through a bit of a tough patch. His wife was very sick with a protracted illness, and with 4 kids, work and all the other obligations of life, it was taking a lot of energy and strength of character to keep the ship upright. But the guy plodded along, sucking it up, and holding it all together.
The one day, out of the blue the town manager rang to tell him that his neighbor called in a complaint that this guys dogs were barking too much and disturbing the neighbors breakfast. " Disturbing his fucking breakfast ?". He're this guy was....four kids, sick wife, tough job.... a thousand plates all spinning in the air without one smashing to the ground. And some whiney-ass dick of a neighbor didn't have the decency to either deal with a little bit of barking or have enough balls to walk over and have a little face to face. This pussy had to call the town manager !?!?
So my new found friend and compatriot did what any reasonable person would do. He started a rock garden. A place of peaceful trainquility.
He started by getting a pile of big rocks. But to keep it simple he just got himself a handful of really big rocks. They were easier to move, and it would be easy enough to just go ahead and just make small rocks out of them.
Then he got himself a nice big flat-pan shovel.
Eevery morning woke up, got himself a cup of coffee, and went out back to work on his rock garden.
BAM........BAM...........BAM........every morning as the sun would come up, he'd bring that shovel up over his head and.....BAM.....He said he got pretty good at making rocks. And he learned pretty well which of the pointy rocks made the most noise.
I asked him how long he kept that up. He replied,
" Three months and two shovels"
ahahahahhahahahahahahah....that's still funny writing it.
I asked how it ended up. He replied, "ended up ?
Apparently he eventually weened off from seven days a week down to three days a week, then stopped doing it as regularly. But every once in a while he goes out back and gives it a couple of whacks, " just to keep him on his toes".
That's my kinda guy.
And his wife is doing much better thank God
Man I love karma.
Sadly, Douglas Foreman was killed in an automobile accident last evening. Doug was an enormously proud father, a husband who had great love for his wife, and a guy who's entusiasm for life was infectious. He'll be missed by anyone who had the pleasure of spending any time with him.
In rememberance, I'm reposting a story about him that ran previously in the blog:
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
rock garden
Occassionally I run into people who find my actions and reactions to be a bit excessive. So i find it a nice balance when I find someone on the other side of the line, someone who shares my sense of fairness and justice.
This weekend I met such a guy.
This guy was going through a bit of a tough patch. His wife was very sick with a protracted illness, and with 4 kids, work and all the other obligations of life, it was taking a lot of energy and strength of character to keep the ship upright. But the guy plodded along, sucking it up, and holding it all together.
The one day, out of the blue the town manager rang to tell him that his neighbor called in a complaint that this guys dogs were barking too much and disturbing the neighbors breakfast. " Disturbing his fucking breakfast ?". He're this guy was....four kids, sick wife, tough job.... a thousand plates all spinning in the air without one smashing to the ground. And some whiney-ass dick of a neighbor didn't have the decency to either deal with a little bit of barking or have enough balls to walk over and have a little face to face. This pussy had to call the town manager !?!?
So my new found friend and compatriot did what any reasonable person would do. He started a rock garden. A place of peaceful trainquility.
He started by getting a pile of big rocks. But to keep it simple he just got himself a handful of really big rocks. They were easier to move, and it would be easy enough to just go ahead and just make small rocks out of them.
Then he got himself a nice big flat-pan shovel.
Eevery morning woke up, got himself a cup of coffee, and went out back to work on his rock garden.
BAM........BAM...........BAM........every morning as the sun would come up, he'd bring that shovel up over his head and.....BAM.....He said he got pretty good at making rocks. And he learned pretty well which of the pointy rocks made the most noise.
I asked him how long he kept that up. He replied,
" Three months and two shovels"
ahahahahhahahahahahahah....that's still funny writing it.
I asked how it ended up. He replied, "ended up ?
Apparently he eventually weened off from seven days a week down to three days a week, then stopped doing it as regularly. But every once in a while he goes out back and gives it a couple of whacks, " just to keep him on his toes".
That's my kinda guy.
And his wife is doing much better thank God
Man I love karma.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
cracked
Borgata
After 5 hours of play
my flopped straight to the runner runner quads ( actually 6 outter fullhouse on the turn)
I was 85% - 15% favorite.
$15,000 Full Tilt Ironman
Down to 200 players from 1150 starters...me in the top 10.
My JJ to his A8 - board 10 10 8 3......and of course A
I was 80%-20% favorite
Live last night at teachers tourney - 15 players
My J6 to his A8
Flop gives me the J
The rest of the board runs
JQK......9.........10 giving him the straight on the final card.
Knocking me out in 3rd place.
Im 70%-30% favorite post flop.....and up to 85%-15% with on card to come.
So I came home withdrew all but $50 from my online account, and I had my wife change the password on my poker account so I don't know what it is.
1 week off until I stop shaking.
After 5 hours of play
my flopped straight to the runner runner quads ( actually 6 outter fullhouse on the turn)
I was 85% - 15% favorite.
$15,000 Full Tilt Ironman
Down to 200 players from 1150 starters...me in the top 10.
My JJ to his A8 - board 10 10 8 3......and of course A
I was 80%-20% favorite
Live last night at teachers tourney - 15 players
My J6 to his A8
Flop gives me the J
The rest of the board runs
JQK......9.........10 giving him the straight on the final card.
Knocking me out in 3rd place.
Im 70%-30% favorite post flop.....and up to 85%-15% with on card to come.
So I came home withdrew all but $50 from my online account, and I had my wife change the password on my poker account so I don't know what it is.
1 week off until I stop shaking.
Friday, September 08, 2006
Speed Stackers
The Boy just got these speed stackers and they're quickly cutting into my internet poker time. If you have obsessive-compulsive tendencies like I do, I strongly suggest that you stay away from these things. They're like crack cocaine.
And as for this chick...yeah she's good, but let me see her take me on after we've both had a half dozen Miller Lites.
And as for this chick...yeah she's good, but let me see her take me on after we've both had a half dozen Miller Lites.
nose coffee
I was cleaning out my computer and came across this. It made coffee come out of my nose.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
wha ?
So yesterday the sitter asked my youngest daughter what word rhymed with 'jungle'....she thought for a second with a furrowed brow and asked "ummmm, bunghole ?"
Nice.
And to prove that Hunter Thompson was right about reality being weirder than fiction, this is in today's news:
DEARBORN, Mich. (AP) -- A Detroit Lions assistant coach was arrested twice in the past two weeks -- once while police say he was driving nude and a week later on suspicion of drunken driving.
The DUI I understand...but driving nude ?
"I had no idea it was illegal officer. Had I known I would have thrown a pair of pants on."
Nice.
And to prove that Hunter Thompson was right about reality being weirder than fiction, this is in today's news:
DEARBORN, Mich. (AP) -- A Detroit Lions assistant coach was arrested twice in the past two weeks -- once while police say he was driving nude and a week later on suspicion of drunken driving.
The DUI I understand...but driving nude ?
"I had no idea it was illegal officer. Had I known I would have thrown a pair of pants on."
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
long night
The readers digest version of the game was that I flopped the nut straight.
I had KJ and the flop was 10 -Q - A. I got all of my money, all of his money, and some other money in the pot. I counted it up at $16,000 at least in the middle with the average stacks at 10K and 400 players to go.
Turn was and Ace..which beat me....and the river was an A just to add the requisite insult.
I was out.
But that was the good part of the story.
After busting out, I missed the last train out of AC. But all that was fine as my Uncle was meeting me at the Trop and had us a room. I go to the Trop. No Uncle. No room.
Now I had about $100 to my name. I had no car and no room. The next train out was at 4:45 am. A room was $100. I went to the poker room...
I mean WTF, I aint paying no $100 for a room for 8 hours. And I figured, If I got up $100 quickly in the poker room, I'd just get the room.
Now I only had $100 so I couldn't play No Limit. And my brain was pretty fried from 6 hours of concentrated play, so I couldn't get fancy. I sat at the $2/$4 limit table. Every hand had 6 players in the hand...unless there was a raise, then there would be 8 players in the hand. That wasn't going to work, I needed something else.
I got up and found a Stud game. Now stud is slow, which is exactly what I wanted. Nice and slow. There's 8 players at the table and if you're in Atlantic City you can assume that the average is of those 8 players is five-hundred and seventy years old. So I ordered me a whiskey sour and settled in.
After a little while I realized that everyone at the table knew each other, which isn't all that unusual. Then I also noticed that when I was in a pot, there seemed to be a lot of callers. Maybe they were just thinking that I didn't know how to play the game since I was under 80. I had a couple of strong draws blank out, which was frustrating, especially as my exposed cards were strong and people would not fold. But, hey !, when I hit I want as many people in as possible. Then, finally, I hit a hand...they all stayed in and some woman..the ringleader of the group, hit a full house on 7th street. I was steaming pretty bad.
A couple of hands later this same bitch gets into a hand heads up with one of the old dudes....again, I was getting 4 callers, but when I was out it seemed like everyone was steering clear of each other. So then the woman showed A A as her first two cards. The other guy showed K 9. They checked it down until the end !!!!
I totally flipped out! And I mean that in the wosrt of ways.
" IS THIS A POKER GAME OR A NEIGHBORHOOD FUCKING PICNIC ?!?!?!" and it went downhill from there. I may have slammed some stuff around as well.
After that the action at the table sort of died. I also noticed that some dude with a walkie-talkie was hanging around.
I sufferend through a stright-flush draw from 5th street that never hit and then got up from the table furious. Down my $100....plus another $50 that I had borrowed. This was quickly turning into a bad day. I made a couple of remarks about bringing back euthinasia,then I gave everyone the finger, got up, and walked out.
Thankfully, JHM and JW had showed up and were kind enough to lend me $150. I sat down in their game of NLHE 1-2 Texas Holdem. We had a fun time and for the first few hours I was able to win back the $150, hold onto the $150 that was lent to me, and get ahead another $100 plus.
Around 1:30 am the wheels started coming off....I was getting tired and couldn't focus. I usually follow the action pretty well and try to read hands. But by 2:00 I noticed blocks of time would go by and that the button would somehow have moved three spots.
At this point I had been up for 21 hours straight, on 4 hours sleep the night before. I had played like 12+ hours of poker, and I had about a dozen well drinks in me.
It also didn't help that the table had filled with knuckleheads. That's usually a good thing...and a profitable thing...but it's also a bit of a minefield if you're not on your A game. In the end, we stopped at 3 am with me down $20 for the entire night....and I'm fairly confident that was the $20 in whiskey sours that I drank.
Th blur that followed was being chased by a faux mugger, sleeping outside a closed train station, sleeping inside an open train station, taking two trains home, and collapsing. It's 3:00 pm and I just woke up.
I feel very healthy. A Chris Farley John Belushi kind of healthy.
I had KJ and the flop was 10 -Q - A. I got all of my money, all of his money, and some other money in the pot. I counted it up at $16,000 at least in the middle with the average stacks at 10K and 400 players to go.
Turn was and Ace..which beat me....and the river was an A just to add the requisite insult.
I was out.
But that was the good part of the story.
After busting out, I missed the last train out of AC. But all that was fine as my Uncle was meeting me at the Trop and had us a room. I go to the Trop. No Uncle. No room.
Now I had about $100 to my name. I had no car and no room. The next train out was at 4:45 am. A room was $100. I went to the poker room...
I mean WTF, I aint paying no $100 for a room for 8 hours. And I figured, If I got up $100 quickly in the poker room, I'd just get the room.
Now I only had $100 so I couldn't play No Limit. And my brain was pretty fried from 6 hours of concentrated play, so I couldn't get fancy. I sat at the $2/$4 limit table. Every hand had 6 players in the hand...unless there was a raise, then there would be 8 players in the hand. That wasn't going to work, I needed something else.
I got up and found a Stud game. Now stud is slow, which is exactly what I wanted. Nice and slow. There's 8 players at the table and if you're in Atlantic City you can assume that the average is of those 8 players is five-hundred and seventy years old. So I ordered me a whiskey sour and settled in.
After a little while I realized that everyone at the table knew each other, which isn't all that unusual. Then I also noticed that when I was in a pot, there seemed to be a lot of callers. Maybe they were just thinking that I didn't know how to play the game since I was under 80. I had a couple of strong draws blank out, which was frustrating, especially as my exposed cards were strong and people would not fold. But, hey !, when I hit I want as many people in as possible. Then, finally, I hit a hand...they all stayed in and some woman..the ringleader of the group, hit a full house on 7th street. I was steaming pretty bad.
A couple of hands later this same bitch gets into a hand heads up with one of the old dudes....again, I was getting 4 callers, but when I was out it seemed like everyone was steering clear of each other. So then the woman showed A A as her first two cards. The other guy showed K 9. They checked it down until the end !!!!
I totally flipped out! And I mean that in the wosrt of ways.
" IS THIS A POKER GAME OR A NEIGHBORHOOD FUCKING PICNIC ?!?!?!" and it went downhill from there. I may have slammed some stuff around as well.
After that the action at the table sort of died. I also noticed that some dude with a walkie-talkie was hanging around.
I sufferend through a stright-flush draw from 5th street that never hit and then got up from the table furious. Down my $100....plus another $50 that I had borrowed. This was quickly turning into a bad day. I made a couple of remarks about bringing back euthinasia,then I gave everyone the finger, got up, and walked out.
Thankfully, JHM and JW had showed up and were kind enough to lend me $150. I sat down in their game of NLHE 1-2 Texas Holdem. We had a fun time and for the first few hours I was able to win back the $150, hold onto the $150 that was lent to me, and get ahead another $100 plus.
Around 1:30 am the wheels started coming off....I was getting tired and couldn't focus. I usually follow the action pretty well and try to read hands. But by 2:00 I noticed blocks of time would go by and that the button would somehow have moved three spots.
At this point I had been up for 21 hours straight, on 4 hours sleep the night before. I had played like 12+ hours of poker, and I had about a dozen well drinks in me.
It also didn't help that the table had filled with knuckleheads. That's usually a good thing...and a profitable thing...but it's also a bit of a minefield if you're not on your A game. In the end, we stopped at 3 am with me down $20 for the entire night....and I'm fairly confident that was the $20 in whiskey sours that I drank.
Th blur that followed was being chased by a faux mugger, sleeping outside a closed train station, sleeping inside an open train station, taking two trains home, and collapsing. It's 3:00 pm and I just woke up.
I feel very healthy. A Chris Farley John Belushi kind of healthy.
Monday, September 04, 2006
sucka mc's
I'm off to Borgata for the tune up event for the World Poker Tour event.
I'll either be back Wednesday telling you about how I got drunk and tried to drag Phil Ivey out of the casino...or I'll be back Thursday telling you how I'm in Aruba chillin like a villian with my 200K in winnings.
In the mean time and in between time, check out this cat...
I'll either be back Wednesday telling you about how I got drunk and tried to drag Phil Ivey out of the casino...or I'll be back Thursday telling you how I'm in Aruba chillin like a villian with my 200K in winnings.
In the mean time and in between time, check out this cat...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)