First Responders

Let me begin by saying that I appreciate the work that emergency personnel do. I acknowledge that without fire, police, and ambulance personel that we'd be in a lot of trouble. I wouldn't want their jobs and I'm glad that someone is doing it.

All that being said I feel it necessary to point out that, as a species, they tend to be complete assholes. There... I said it. In fact I'll expound...at least in terms of the police, they tend to be the most dysfunction and reprehensible people I've even has the displeasure of having to deal with. There...now it's out on the table.

If you think that's harsh, you've apparently never been pulled of for something like not coming to a "complete" stop at an intersection or some bullshit like that.

We had the fire company come in yesterday and make their annual request for funding. Last year they received $22,500 plus we made some capital purchases. This year that came in and, as usual, asked for more money. What was unexpected was the amount of this year's increase.

After the typical song and dance about how hard training is and how they put their lives on the line blah blah blah, they finally got around to a number...

" we'd like an increase for 2007"

" ok how much"

" ahhh....$250,000"

" pardon me ?"

" yeah, 250,000"

" Wait a second, last year we gave you 25,000 which was a third of your operating budget....has something changed ?"

" No, not really. Our operating budget is around $68,000"

" So ....ahhhh...where do you come up with $250,000"

" Well a Township your size should spend around a million on fire companies, and there are 4 fire companies...so that's around $250,000"

" Hey I know you're a fire man but are you pulling my hose ?"

And that type of entitlement is a thousand times worse with the unionized police.

We were discussing a merger with another local municipality. I informed the police that if we merged that they'd get the best of both contracts. This meant that if one place got 10 sick days and the other got 15...they'd all get the greater of the two ....15. If one started at $40,000 and the other at $38,0000...then $40,000 would be the mark.

Those douchebags somehow interpreted that to mean that you'd COMBINE the two benefit schedules. Seriously ! And you don't DARE question their assumptions or you're the asshole. That conversation went something like...

Me: So am I to understand that you guys think that we're going to combine benefits

Officer Dorkhead: Sure

Me: So how many holidays do you think you'll be entitled to ?

O.D: 21

Me: 21 holidays !?!?!? How many sickdays ?

O.D. 25

Me: Bahahahahaha......21 holidays, 25 sickdays, 6 weeks vacation, 4 personal days...bahahahhaha...and I suppose you're intending to start people at $80,000 ? Bahahaha, are you serious ?

O.D.: HEY MAN YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE...WE RISK OUR LIVES OUT THERE EVERYDAY !

Me: Bahahaha....when are you going to work...I think WE owe YOU days...bahahah....and risk your lives ?! The last time someone drew their gun in the Township was to put a sick pig out if it's misery and that was in like '92

O.D.: WE'RE OUT THERE ON THE FRONT LINES...WE'RE THE BLUE SHIELD

Me: Dude, seriously...did you really think that you were going to get 21 holidays

O.D: HOMELAND SECURITY !!!!

Me: Homeland...what ? I am asking..serious did you...

O.D: 9 - 11

Me: ...believe that you....

O.D. 9 - 11

Me: ...that you were going to...

O.D. NINE - ELEVEN !!!!

Me: .....get 21 holidays ?

O.D.: 9119119119919911919191919homelandsecurityOSAMNA BIN LADEN !!!!!

Osama indeed.

BTW I'm now known in local police circles as the guy who tried to take away half of the police holidays ! Now I have to drive everywhere 5 miles under the speed limit.