Monday Monday

"You know that feeling when you're leaning back in a chair, and then you lean back too far and start to fall and just at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time. " - Steven Wright

Every once in a while I start thinking that women are being ridiculously petty about about the whole toilet seat thing. That's about the same time I end up falling in the bowl.

Come on, I KNOW you've all been there at least once.

While terrifying and infuriating, there are a couple of things I do think are worth noting.

The first is the human ability to perceive even the slightest change in the environment instinctively. I mean without ever thinking about it, you KNOW the exact moment when your ass is supposed to be making contact with that seat and when contact isn't made immediate panic sets in.

Which leads up the point number two. While you immediately notice the seat is not where it should be, and you're sure that your ass is going to touch bowl, there virtually nothing that you can do about it. You see, the toilet seat is set at the absolutely perfect height to ensure that everyone is screwed. Black/white, tall/short, young and old. It's as if John Crapper himself invented the thing for the sole purpose of proving that a knee bent at that angle is incapable of straightening itself without first touching porcelain. The indoor plumbing thing was just an afterthought to pay for the entire operation.

Yet despite experience proving otherwise, its human nature to try and enact some sort of rescue operation. That noise you hear in the other room...the smashing and thuds just before all the swearing ? ..yeah that's what all that is. Magazines go flying and people grab for towels racks, door knobs, or my personal favorite..tearing the toilet paper roll off the wall. One technique I've been experimenting with is to shoot myself backwards as fast and hard as possible in an attempt to pin my back against the tank, perilously hanging my bottom over the abyss to buy myself some time to develop an exit strategy.

All and all I think the best method is to just take your lumps. You didn't look, it's ultimately your fault, at least go down with some dignity. Instead of fighting it and ending up in the worst possible scenario of 'cheeks-touching-water", just go with the flow do a very quick ass-tap on the top of the rim ( I've found that you can limit the tap to one cheek on one side with some practice) and then rebound to a standing position. Yeah, it's not the cleanest, but at least it prevents having to spend the afternoon drilling new holes to replace a towel holder.

Have a fun Monday.