LANCE NEWS NETWORK

Feb 02, 2009 - Austin, Tx

Headline: Lance Scratches His Ass.

Seven time Tour De France winner and semi-Deity Lance Armstrong scratched his ass today. The ass scratching occurred about one hour and forty-three minutes into a four hour training ride just outside of the Livestrong compound in Austin Texas. The ass scratching sent shockwaves through the cycling world as riders, journalists, and UCI president Pat McQuaid scrambled to respond the this afternoon's event.

Interviewed in Qatar after his stage win today Roger Hammond was asked about the ass scratching and how it would impact his chances in the tour. His response, " I'm not even racing the bloody Tour", showed just how intimidating Armstrong's return is the to peloton.

Alberto Contador issued a statement through his agent saying, " I continue to respect Lance's accomplishments, but ass scratching or no ass scratching, I still plan on being leader of the Astana team in July." Levi Leipheimer, also contacted this afternoon was surprised by the news, " Lance scratched his ass ? Really ? I would have happily scratched his ass, but I'm not due to be down there till Thursday. So your saying that new Spanish kid wasn't down there scratching his ass ? Well at least that's good."

The UCI's response came in the form of a press release from Pat McQuaid, " The UCI has recently learned of the increased incidents of ass scratching in the peloton. We'd directed WADA to immediately begin work on a finding a test. We hope to eradicated this egregious scratching of the buttocks and all other hind quarter areas."

The only one seeming unconcerned with the hoopla was Armstrong confidant and wingman John College Korioth, " Yeah dude, I just put the official Livestrong ass scratchers up on the website..in both black with yellow trim and vice-versa. We're hoping these sell better than the Mary-Kate and Ashley commemorative diaphragms, cause the big pool off the guesthouse needs a new filter...oh yeah, and to save the cancer kids and shit."