a little bit about me

some Saturday morning hangover ruminations...

* My happiness seems to be directly proportional to my fatness. And lately I find myself increasingly happy. Busting at the seems happy.

* I suffer from some very odd social anxiety. I might be the only guy comfortable around people I don't know and entirely uncomfortable around people that I know. The first thing that comes into my head when there is a pause in the conversation is " these people all hate me". I typically deal with that by drinking a lot and making sure that there's never a pause in the conversation. That leads me to thinking " I'm talking too much". I usually deal with that by drinking more and not talking at all. Then I think, " I'm creeping everyone out". I usually deal with that by drinking and running off into the woods. It used to be running into the arms a husky woman, but times change.

* I'm a ton of fun to party with ( see above)

* I have passive-aggressive trashmen. I'm not sure what they're mad about, but it's manifesting itself by them feathering their squeeky brakes and shaking the recycling bins at 5 a.m. But WTF....it's better than it manifesting itself by them shitting on the hood of my car. I say shake that bin brother and let it out.

* I just listened to 'Nightswimming' by REM and 'Make it Funky' by James Brown. Both Stipe and Brown are from the same town in Georgia. That's like finding out Micahel Moore and Rush Limbaugh went to the same first grade class...ok maybe it's not like that at all...I don't know what it's like...all I know is that it's some fucked up shit.

* I was in a wedding last night. In the minutes before the ceremony was to start, the groom, his father and I stood fidgeting and making nervous idle conversation. As we talked a big spider walked across the kneewall in front of us. Watching the spider gave us something to focus on besides the immediacy of the moment and, in a small way, allowed the three of us to relax in the moment. Then in a flash an assasin beetle flew into the scene and without warning stung the spider and flew off. I looked at the other two and they had the same expression as me...eyes bugged out and mouth hung open in astonishment. It was like being the cameraman for Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. Then before anyone could react, the assasin beetle was back. It scooped up the spider and scurried away with it. Against my better judgement I said, " Well that's an apt metaphor for what about to occur" My advice....instead of making me your best man, make me your usher. Ushers don't talk.