I've been at his house and seen it in action. They turn the ringer all the way down so that you can barely hear it and they have the volume up on the answering machine speaker. So you'll be sitting around watching TV and suddenly you'll hear a BEEP and then some booming words, like the voice of God, reverberating through the house leaving an awkward message.
If they're not doing anything and want to talk to the caller, then one of the two of them picks up the phone. This isn't any less awkward because..
* This startles and confuses the person in the middle of leaving the message
* The person never knows whether to repeat what they've already said to just to continue
* The person had to go through the mental checklist wondering why they were getting screened and what made them unscreened-worthy
The situation, in my opinion, breeds inefficiency, distrust and bad feelings. Every time you call you never know if they're home or screening you... whether you should begin to leave a message or just wait for them to pick up. If they don't pick up...why not ? Are they sitting there chuckling at you ?
See what I mean ?
At some point I decided not to play the game any more. Actually that's not true. What I decided to do was to play my own game. When I called there I just started to leave annoying meaningless gibberish phone messages. I started making noises so annoying that if they were there, they'd be forced to pick up rather then endure. And if they weren't there, they could just turn off the message as soon as they realized it was me and could call me back to see what I really wanted. It was a foolproof plan, or so I thought.
One day I was pretty sure that they were home when I called to chat. Instead of the pick-up I got the usual machine message and readied myself for an onslaught of fart noises, snorts and clearing of my throat that had become my signature.
At the last moment something moved me and I decided to switch it up. Instead of the typical fare I thought I'd spice it up a bit. For reasons still unbeknownst to me the word "ballcheese" popped into my head.
Upon hearing the beep I let loose with a litany of ballcheeses.
BALLCHEESE.........BALLCHEESE...........BALLCHEESE.......
I started out slow and steady like the teacher from Ferris Beuller's day off saying Ferris' last name over and over.
BALLCHEESE.........BALLCHEESE...........BALLCHEESE.......
After I while,when they hadn't answered the phone I thought I'd pick up the pace a bit.
BALLCHEESE, BALLCHEESE, BALLCHEESE, BALLCHEESE ( and the finisher) BAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLCCCCCCCHHHHHHHEEEEEEESSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEE !
The still hadn't answered and I figured that they just weren't home. I was going to stop there, but the words just kept flowing off my tongue...
BALLCHEESE
it was just so fun to say, so fun to play with..
BALLCHEESE
I messed with the inflection
ballCHEESE and BALLcheese
I went stucatto
BALCHE....BALCHEBALCHEBALCHEBALCHEBALCHEBALCHEBALCHEBLACHEBALCHEBALLLCHEEEEEZZZZZ
I giggled like a school girl and went on and on filling up the tape with every variation and twist imaginable.
BAZIZZLE my CHIZZIZLE
And then the coup d'gras. I did a rendition of Sinatra's "Fly me to the Moon" replacing every other word with either 'ball' or cheese'.
“ Fly me to the ballcheese, I want to ballcheese among the ballcheese…” etc, etc, etc
Finally, mercifully, and with tears of joy in my eyes I signed off, " ahhhhhhh, this is Flick, please give me a call".
About 6 hours later I got a call from my buddy.
" Hey, whassup", I answered.
He was whispering and got right to the point, " Listen man I only have a second, my wife is in the other room. DO NOT call here again."
There was some laughter in my voice as I thought he was kidding, " like my message eh ?"
He wasn't kidding, " no, I'm not talking about don't leave any messages, I mean you can't call here anymore. I've forbidden to talk to you for, well, forever. But I think if you lay low for like 6 months or so this might blow over. Just don't call. Call me at work. Here she comes..."
I sat in stunned silence and was baffled until I was finally able to get him at work and get the rest of the story.
He explained, " You know how my wife's mother thinks we're too immature and wants my wife to be more proper and all ? Well she took her Mom out shopping and to lunch on Saturday and for the first time in a long time they had a nice afternoon. So nice that she invited her mother back to the house for some tea. They were sitting conversing when the answering machine went off. At first they both tried to ignore it, figuring you'd hang up after a second. After a minute it was too distracting to they just stopped talking and waited for it to be over. After 5 minutes of you screaming ball cheese at the top of your lungs they just gave up. She said her Mother politely excused herself and went into the bathroom. A little while later, after the reign of terror had subsided, her mother came up with some sudden excuse and left."
" They didn't find anything funny about it ?” ,I hoped against all hope.
" No “
“ Not even the Sinatra part ?”
“ Not even. “
“ Oh. That’s bad then.”
“ Yeah…… Bad.”
To this day I remain on probation. I leave only very polite, very succinct messages on their machine. And I avoid, at all costs, say either the words 'ball' or 'cheese' in her presence.
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