Classy

As a young gentleman with my first job out of school, I decided that I'd spend the new found wealth of my first paycheck on a young lady that I had been dating.

I had hoped to woo her with a fancy schmancy weekend at the shore.

We drove to Cape May, and playing 'grown-up' for the first time, checked into a beautiful bed and breakfast and then set upon the town. To further inpress my date I picked the fanciest restaurant I could find and did my best James Bond cool guy impression as we rolled up to the maitre d'.

" Good evening,", see how much cooler I was being than saying 'HOWDY', " We'd like a table for two."

" Very well sir. But the restaurant has a jacket policy."

I was a bit stunned, " A what ?"

" A jacket policy sir. All patrons much wear a dinner jacket."

AH SHIT. Here I was trying to impress this girl....ok screw it enough of the pretense...here I was trying to get laid ! and now this guy was laying some 'dinner jacket' bullshit on me.

He must have seen the look on my face because he followed up with, " But of course if you're here on vacation we do have a house jacket available for your service sir."

Obviously this guy had once tried to get laid himself.

The maitre d' walked went off the rescue me, but came back with a bit of a grim look on his face. He pulled me to the coat room away from my date, " sir, this is the largest jacket that we have, although I am concerned that it might be a bit short in the sleeves."

He held up the coat and I slipped it on. It was a little snug across the back but was doable. I held forward my arms and that's where we ran into trouble. The sleeves ran about half way up my forearms. I quickly put my arms to my sides and the sleeves slipped back down...not quite to my wrists, but if a slouched my shoulders a bit I could almost make it pass.

I looked at him with a hopeful look, " what do you think."

He was caught in a tough spot on this one. " Well, I dunno." the 'SIR' as well as all the affectation left his voice. We were now just two guys...one of whom was pretty well sunk...just having a conversation. " I think that if you try and keep your hands down by your sides you can probably get away with it."

So I put my arms down at my sides and we both put smiles on our faces and we went back out to the lobby. " This way ma'am", the maitre d' was back into character and lead my date out of the lobby with me lumbering in a stiff armed a gorilla walk through the restaurant behind her.

We sat at the table and rather than having to lift my arms out of my lap to look at a menu I went with one of the specials and ordered lamb chops. My date ordered the crab cakes. As we waited for the meals and sipped on the drinks, the anxiety over the jacket situation subsided and I relaxed and enjoyed my company and the surrounding atmosphere. Little else competes with the romance of an open-air dinner by the ocean and I was once again starting to feel like the king of the world.

Our dinners came out looking delicious. Oddly, in addition to bringing out our main course and side dishes, the waiter also brough out our deserts. My date had tapioka pudding and I had lime jello. The timing and the fact that we hadn't ordered desert seemed odd to me, but what the hell did I know. I'd never been to a fancy restaurant before. I didn't even own a jacket ! If they serve desert with the main course then that was fine with me.

I finished up my lamb and had successfully negotiated dinner with short arm motions that disgused the limitations of my jacket. To the trained eye I may have looked a little bit like a T-Rex eating, but at least I was a cool looking T-Rex. My date, who was growing more smitten with me by the minute, was too taken to have noticed a thing.

Then, in the middle of conversation, I reached over and took a heaping spoonful of the lime jello and stuffed it in my mouth.

As my date continued to make conversation alarms went off in my mouth. This was the most atomic jello I had ever had. And it wasn't lime. It was some sort of mint flavored horseradish 4 alarm jello...and my head was on fire. I still had a mouthful of the stuff and didn't know what to do. I very well couldn't spit a mouthful of the stuff onto a napkin...not unless I wanted to spend the night sleeping in the car...by myself. But I wasn't sure that I could swallow this mint flavored lava either. " Screw this", i thought to myself paniced, " down the hatch !". I took the stuff down with one big swallow and washed it down with a gulp of water.

I sat and pretended to be intently listening to my date's story. But after a while the profuse sweating and pallor of my face must have given me away.

" Are you OK ?", she asked, " you don't look very well."

" Oh I'm fine.", I sputtered and continued with my voice cracking a bit, " I think I just need a little water...everything's fine."

She summoned the waiter who rushed over, " Is everything OK sir ?"

" Yes, it's just that...oh my", I was really sweating by now and grabbed a fistfull of napkins and started mopping my brow...thus of course causing my jacket to yank all the way back to my elbow. At this point I didn't care anymore.

" It's just that this is the strongest jello that I have ever eaten in my life !"

The watier looked at me perplexed, " jello sir ?"

" Yeah this whoop-ass jello here is killer !" and I gestured to my bowl full of jello.

" Sir...ummm", he paused as if unsure to continue and then said apologeticly, " sir, that's not jello, that's a mint jelly. Our strong mint jelly is, of course, customarily served with our lamb chops as well as our leg of lamb."

Not knowing to leave well enough alone I pointed at my date's dish, " And her tapioka pudding ?"

" Tartar sauce sir"

" AH ! tartar sause. Yes of course."

So there I sat, in a romantic setting, with a beautiful young girl and the world before me...with my jacket up to my elbows, sweat pouring off of me, a belly full of jelly, and egg on my face.

I should have recognized it then as a portant of things to come.