I'm sorry

I don't want to become a site of just links, but this is particularly funny.

http://www.ejbdotcom.net/content/9676.html

I wonder why Iran is starting to shitting their pants ?

The US now has
* Iraq to the West
* Afghanistan to the East
* Pakistan as an ally
* We control the Persian Gulf
* Bombers in Uzbekistan
* Bombers in Turkey

I think I'd be enriching uranium for energy production too.

Still Funny

the flu

I was informed by my son that when I vomit it sounds just like the toilet flushing.

At least it got him to stop asking me to build his batcave.

Kwanzaa vs Festivus

I tried to find a picture of people actually celebrating Kwanzaa.

Excluding the pictures staged to sell greeting cards and candles the only stuff I could come up with all looked a lot like this:



Exactly.

I was, however, plesantly surprised to find that Festivus continues to develop a following. Festivus pole sales were up as were the number of emergency room visits due to the 'feats of strength'.

For all there is to know about Festivus see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Festivus

And to get your post holiday bargain on festivus poles see: http://www.festivuspoles.com/pages/festivuspoles.htm

Building the Worlds Best Paper Air Plane

http://www.zurqui.com/crinfocus/paper/air-bld3.html
I've tried it and have to admit that it makes a darn good plane.

Next year for Christmas I am going to sell a father's survival kit. Contained in each kit will be
* A tiny phillipshead screw driver small enough to actually fit in that battery slot
* Wire snips to cut all that crap that's holding the toy to the box like some weird japaneese bondage movie....ahhhhh...or so I'm told
* A fifth of scotch (self explanitory)
* An extra screw, for the one that will be inevitably missing

One my slate this week
* Batman's cave. 1 jillion pieces
* Doll House. .5 jillion piece
* Pinball machine. only 26 pieces, but anything that plugs into the wall gets a factor of 10 for the potential for electricution

The guy who is working on our basement is almost done. Would sub-contracting out toy assembly make me a bad father ?

Name that exit

Driving along route #1 and then along the PA Turnpike today I began wondering how each of the exits gets named. At face value it would seem to simple...when you get on route #1N in Langhorne to cross route 95 and can exit North to "PRINCETON" or South to "CENTRAL PHILADELPHIA"....but why not "LAWRENCEVILLE" and " BRISTOL" ? Is the system arbitrary, is it based on population, is it determined after some lobbying by legislators, or maybe the dude who makes the sign has a cousin who lives in that town.

This is even more curious along the Turnpike where exchanges are located between significant cities and landmarks. In some instances exits are listed as one town, ie NORRISTOWN while others might say READING/LANCASTER.

Preliminary research only yielded an explanation of how the interstate highway system is numbered. That in and of itself is an interesting story. You should go to somewhere like

http://www.us-highways.com/bus98.htm

for the full story, but in a nutshell:

US routes are all in the contiguous 48 states and have 1, 2, or 3 digit numbers

Even numbers run east to west; increasing to the south
Principal routes are one or two digits (abbreviated as 2dus) and end in 0: US 10 to US 90
Existing range is US 2 to US 98

Odd numbers run north to south; increasing to the west
Principal routes are one or two digits and end in 1: US 1 to US 101
Existing range is US 1 to US 101

Increments of low-order digits fill in the grid
e.g. US 20, US 22, US 24, ... US 30 - Even Numbered
e.g. US 21, US 23, US 25, ... US 31 - Odd Numbered

Three digit highways, excepting 100 and 101 are for loops or spur routes around cities off the main branches. For instance 295, 195 and 495 all loops around major cities along route 95


While interesting, none of that answers my question of naming rights. To that end I am sending the following letter to the US Department of Highways and PA Turnpike Commission.

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to garner a better understand of how you determine which towns get listed on road signs that indicate an exit.

I have no concern or criticism of any existing sign. In fact I find that whatever system or lack of system is in place seems to work rather well for me. I attend a lot of dog shows with my two Bernice Mountain Dogs and more often than not Ben, Jerry and I have found the name of the town where the show is held to be the very name of the town on the sign where we exit. The streak of that occurring had gotten to 9 shows in a row and I had started to think that perhaps someone at the Department of Transportation was a fan of purebread canines like myself. Then while heading to the Mount Holly Springs Dogapalooza we had to exit at the Carlisle exchange and I realize that the whole thing was just a matter of coincidence ( it is right ?).

In any event, my motivation is pure curiosity. Is there a way that all of this is determined ? Does the State Legislature get invovled, do local authorities get a say, or is the whole thing determined in house ? For instance, "READING" is an exit from the Turnpike, and so is "LACASTER - LEBANON". The curiosity there is that Lancaster is equidistant from both exits. Why did it get the nod at 266.4 but not at 285.5.

And exit 358 is listed as DELAWARE VALLEY when there is in fact no town by that name. The exits there is in Bristol ( home of the Bristol Stomp)....the other oddity there is that your rest stop there is named South Neshaminy and it's no where near Neshaminy. Im not sure why Bristol is getting overlooked. I stopped there one time for lunch while heading to an American Kennel Club convention in Atlantic City and found the town to be very nice ( although the river front park there could do well to establish a dog park).

Anyway, any insight you might be able to provide would be greatly appreciated


In Christ,
B. J. Hoovis
"If you are a host to your guest, be a host to his dog also." -- Russian Proverb

I'll keep you posted as to any response.

forget familiarity

Forget familiarity, it's anonymity that breeds discontent.

You probably will not find a nicer guy than me at a live poker game. Online, however, I have the bad habit of venting my frustrations in a very direct and...some might say...an abusive way. The way I look at it is that each player has the ability to turn any player's chat off. So if people find my banter to be unsettling then they just don't have to listen to me.

Apparently not everyone shares my point of view.

After a particularly obnoxious rant I received notice today that I am having my chat privileges revoked for one month. It's probably for the best.

I'd post the transcript, but even I'm a tad embarrassed about what I wrote. If I was to critique it I'd have to say that it... " Was caustically acerbic and lacking enough creative humor to pass for good natured" in other words I was being an obnoxious dick.

wow

http://www.doubleagent.com/photo.php?i=14766

Sooner or later I'll learn to shaddup

I find myself pretty tired lately.

I'm in a kick where I stay up too late, drink too much coffee, then I'm too tired to exercise. So slowly but surely I'm getting fat, out of shape and exhausted.

All this inspired my wife to make a suggestion the other day.... " You stay up later than anyone else. Why don't you go to bed earlier"

Well I can explain why. From the moment I wake up, my time is taken up by other people. I wake and am immediately pressed into action...either a dog needs taken out, or a kid needs dressed or someone's waffles need to cut into perfect squares. I used to purposely wake up early on Sunday mornings so I could have a cup of coffee and read the newspaper in peace. But the children have superpowers. Under normal circumstances you can't wake them with an atomic bomb, but try and do something...anything...for yourself and they suddenly spring to life and find that they need you for something immediate and pressing. I never got past section B in the Sunday news and eneded that experiment.

Anyway, morning leads into work, which needs so explaination. Then when I come home its activity, dinner, homework, baths, bed...bed again...bed again...yelling to go to bed, crying...then everyone is asleep. Then....and only then...do I have, for the first time all day, a moment to myself.

And she wants me to give that up.

That's like suggesting to a prisoner on death row.... " You look like you might be getting too much sun, how about cutting your hour in the yard to say....40 minutes"...I mean she already took away my congical visits !!!!

HELP WANTED

Editor for online blog needed. Dictate your own hours, work at your own pace.

Pay is one six pack per month.

I'm serious.

When I write this maddness, I do as if I am getting a prostate exam. I'm usually drunk, I do it quickly, then I pretend it never happened. I can never bring myself to go back and read it let alone edit it.

But I've been notified that the errors detract from overall enjoyment of the experience and, at times, confuses the point I'm trying to make.

So if anyone is interest in a free sixpack of beer a month and can read over a sixth grade level ( this includes sixth graders) , please feel free to contact me about the position.

Retail of Two Cities

I took the plunge and went Christmas ( or for those called to action by Jerry Falwell...CHRISTmas) shopping today. It was the first time I've ventured to the mall in about a year and one of the few times I've purchased something NOT on the internet that didn't involve french fries.

OH SNAP ! Otis reading was the first to do "Hard to Handle"...the Black Crows should hang their heads in shame.

What I had failed to realize is that retail in the new millennium isn't just about trading goods and services...it's also about sharing in the personal lives of the fine employees at your local establishment. In three stops I had the fortune to learn:

* That the girl at Starbucks was wearing a $65 pair of pants because they were the only black pants that she had and she was afraid of schmutzing them up. She was, however, wearing a pair of under-armor socks which she was happy enough to show me. My response, "Ummmm...can I have my coffee ?"

* The girl at the wine shop was very tired. She explained to her co-worker, me, and my buddy that ( whisper) " I just found out that I'm pregnant....but shhhh, no one knows." That, naturally lead into the two of them discussing the finer points of morning sickness. Honored and not wanting to sound unappreciative of being part of this Hallmark moment I offered, " Ummmmm...can I have my wine ?"

My most unusual occurrence was reserved for the video store.

* I stepped up to the counter of the video store and two conversations started simultaneously. The first was the guy checking me out. He explained how if I joined some video cult that I not only save on my future purchases ( which will never happen) but that I could save right now on my current purchase. That for $16.95 I could save $20. He followed in a voice that can only be described as " fine print"...the savings comes in the form of a voucher that could be used for the aforementioned future purchase. What amazing is that I was able to retain any of that as there was another conversation going on that the same time between the two other clercks at the counter.

Clerk #1 seems to have some sort of authoritative role...I'm going to guess Assistant Senior Associate or something similarly distinguished. He was late teens or early twenties but grew a full beard to either look older or to make him the coolest guy at the Magic: The Gathering competitions. I'm not sure he accomplished either. For here out we'll refer to him as Brad. Clerk #2 was about 115 lbs and looked about 10 years old. He compensated for his youthful looks with a lip ring, an eyebrow ring, and a giant tattoo. The tattoo was on his bicep, was in technicolor and was either Munch's "The Scream" or possibly Van Gogh's " Starry Night". The difficulty in identifying the art is that with his arm being the size of a drinking straw the picture needed to be "modified from it's original format" as they say on TV and went the full circumference of his arm. We'll call this young lad, Michael...because there's no way he'd go by "Mike".

When I approached the counter Michael mentioned to no one in particular that he was tired and Brad immediately responded with, " Did you eat meat for lunch again ?" and shook his head disapprovingly ( if that's an actual adjective).

Apparently Michael was down with the whole Straight-Edge scene with the black attire, the facial rings, hip video store job and esoteric tattoo. He apparently had not taken the full plunge to swear off meat. To a purist like Brad this was unacceptable. " Dude, your problem is that all the blood is rushing from the rest of your body and into your stomach. It's a regular problem for you carnivores", he continued, his head shaking in full disdain, " You can't be at full energy when you're forcing your body to deal with all that meat and all of those toxin."

Had I not been shell-shocked from moments earlier learning that Kelly was going to be having her boyfriends baby (before her boyfriend even knew !), I would have probably have thought of the appropriate response, which would have been ....

" Hey, do you guys have either 'Bowhunters Gone Wild' or "The Best of Turkey Hunt 2005' ?......no ? Damn ! Cause there's nothing I like more then settling in with some jerky, a six pack of beer and a box of Kleenex, and have a full on drunken masturbation session watching some hunters harvest the beasts that God left for us....ahhh, is there a problem there Mr. PETA.....ahhh, do his eyes always roll like that when he has a seizure ?"

Instead is said, " ummmm..can I have my video ? Thanks..... Merry Chirstmas"

Pilot Program

My father is a pilot who flies to different airports on an irregular schedule. In order to cope with constantly being out of his enviroment, he and his co-pilot have developed a pattern of behavior that creates and atmosphere of stability in an otherwise unstable situation. I think that's pretty cool.

I think this comes naturally to both of them as my father has always been a creature of habit and from what I've come to understand his co-pilot was cut from the same mold.

So they order the same breakfasts and the same dinners. His co always orders a steak, nothing else....no fries, no potatoes, no garnish. Barring a steak, it's a burger on a bun...again no extra. In fact he specifically asks NOTHING ELSE ON THE PLATE. Typically, that shit shows up with everything on the plate.

So for the two of them, this have become a sort of sociological experiment. What words and phrases, what manerisms, gestures, etc will exact the response that they want. Depending on the age, gender, and disposition of the waitperson....what EXACTLY can they say to increase the odds that the steak will come to the table as ordered.

Their latest experiment involves the following.....After leaving the airport, their first stop it to a convenience store to purchase one quart of gatorade ( Dad) and one quart of whole milk ( Co). It's what each of them drinks, and typically the hotel will not have these items available. They've both noticed that no matter what city they are in, no matter what the convenience store chain, that the check out person takes their and and places it over the top of the mouth of the bottle. Now for both of the pilots this is a real issue. They are going to the hotel and intend on drinking directly from the bottle....the drinks aren't going into a fridge or poured into a glass. The last thing they want is some pipply-faced kid rubbing his TB and syphillus stained hands all over the lip of their beverage.

So they've begun to hand the drinks to the clerck in particular ways to ensure that the cleck will handle the object in some alternative way. So far they've had limited luck with the two handed handover and little success with handing the bottle bottom first ( typically, the drink gets placed down and regripped in appropriately).

Obviously, the solution to the problem would be to say to the clerck " when you ring this up, could you please not put your fingers on the lip"...but if they were to go to that level then, in the end, they'd be two guys driving around bored out of their minds.

So I pass this challenge onto you. The next time you're in a store buying a drink, take note as to whether or not the cleck touches the top of your drink and perhaps what you said, how you handed it, time of day, or whatever other variables that you think relevant. Should you see any success, please pass along your suggestions.

Twist and Burn

I'm listening to the Isley Bothers do Twist and Shout. Anyone who's ever covered it should hang their head in shame.

Other recommended hits...Canyon River Mango and Peach Salsa. Think it sounds terrible ? Well you're thinkin all wrong. I just downed the whole jar knowing full well that T is going to be pissed when she goes to get some for lunch tomorrow.

It's so right, I'd do wrong.

I should that into them as a jingle. Maybe they'd use it and send me some free stuff ? I once got drunk and ate a spoonfull of horseradish sauce that was so hot it caused me to have a religous experience. Still drunk and severely weeping I wrote up the whole incident and mailed it to the president of the company. I had forgotten about the whole thing until I got a response from the guy. He mailed me a sampler pack and asked that I never write him again.

I was recounting to someone that I was once so poor that I litterally saved two nickles so that I could never be able to literally say that " I was so poor that I didn't have two nickles to rub together". When I got hungry I would rub the nickles together. I once considered eating them.

So I'm thinking of starting a new trend of when I mean something in the literal sense, to use the adjective "figuratively".

re: " I figuratively slammed my foot in the door".

At the very least it will balance out the misuse of 'literally' and maybe it will fuck up people and prevent them from talking to me anymore.

I got the nutz

We had a friendly family card game at the Christmas party on Saturday night.

My uber-competitive and confident cousin got into a raising war with, of all people, his father...my uncle. With the grace that age brings, my uncle just called on the turn. When the river card fell, my uncle bet only to be raised again. Well enough is enough and my uncle re-raised. This final bet put my cousin all-in. Curiously he raised again and claimed that he'd go into his jacket pocket and was good for the additional dollar.

I looked at the board. There was an ace high flush showing. I looked at Uncle #2 and shrugged.

Uncle #1 called.

My cousin jumped up and tossed down a queen high flush... " HA ! I HAVE THE NUTS !!!!!"

Uncle #2 and I burst you laughing.

" WHAT !??!?!?!....WHAT'S SO FUNNY?!?!?"

Uncle #2 explained, " you don't have the NUTS...you have a flush with a queen kicker"

" Well it's the nuts if he doesn't have the king"

My cousin was out of the room before the king hit the table.

Chuck Norris

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running on ice

I found myself an online discussion about the fastest way to walk across ice. This is my favorite entry:

"If from Alaska and have spent a lot of time doing this.The absolute fastest way (optimal for very slippery but not quite ice-rink) is to run, lifting you feet up high, and making sure to balance as each foot hits. You want to quickly push off at around 5% off verticle (depending on slipperyness), almost jumping. As you go faster, make sure to lift your foot off the ground as fast as possible so it doesnt slide. As with all running, make sure to stay on the balls of your feet. When you are going fast it will look like a series of miny leaps with your knee comming up in front of you each time.This is however pretty dangerous and I wouldnt reccomend it to anyone who doesnt want to look like an ass, has poor balance, or cant risk falling. "

un- holy shit

I took a spin class last night...and it was hard. I promise to no longer make fun of spin class.

2 months of beer, wings, and general inactivity has been stewing in my gizzard...well, right up until last night anyway. I barely made it home and ran up the stairs with my pants around my ankles. I spent the rest of the night laying on the couch ( not that that's unusual).

my favorite recent lines from online poker

" I'm sorry I was so rude earlier."
" My doctor says that when I feel bad about myself I lash out at others."
" But **** him, he's an ***hole"

M: Why didn't you raise
H: Im a bird in the hand kinda guy
M: I bet you are
H: ***hole

M: I think God put my dog here to test me
M: wont it be ironic if I don't get into heaven because I was mean to this retarded dog
H: that wont keep you from heaven, only one thing will keep you from heaven
M: really ? What's that ?
H: not accepting Jesus as your personal savior
M: Jesus ****ing Christ, this is a goddamn poker site
(later)
M: What about the Jews ? Don't they get to heaven
H: I'm blocking your chat jerk
M: whatever
M: anti-semite
(chat blocked)

You're just too good to be true

So I have the oldies station on for a little change of pace and that old song came on " You're guy too good to be true...can't take my eyes off of you" and it occurred to me that (with the exception of the occassional Barry Manilow or Phil Collins who could write a love song about what they had for breakfast) that the dudes who wrote those songs were all jacked up on some chick when they wrote them.

I gotta wonder what life must be like for that dude when the chick eventually dumps him and starts sleeping with his friends...and the song is on the radio being played over and over again....I bet that's got to be a bite in the ass.

Here is a cure for poker addiction http://www.cartoonnetwork.com/games/arcade/miguzi/splashback/index.html

Had 14 guys over for poker over the weekend and broke in my new poker table. Fun night...I lost my shirt. I've lost all sense on how to play limit poker. I can't play with good cards I can't play with bad cards and I definately can't win with marginal cards. So I settled for drinking some beers and having some fun. I suppose you can't go wrong there.

I think I've eaten a dozen eggs in the last 3 days. I can't imagine that's good for you in any way shape or form. Hopefully all the beer will neutralize the effects. Either that or the two will mix and I'll cause a huge hole in the ozone layer.

George will today talks about a Greek form a government whereby a legislator who proposed a new law was put to death if the law was rejected by the people. It got me thinking about a governing system that I had been working on by which you could accuse anyone of being an asshole and after a trial either the asshole or the accused ( or both I suppose) could be put to death. It really had promise until I realize that I might last about 30 seconds under that system and decided to scrap the whole idea.

A guy I work with just walked in and told me the following story " My friend was driving home from hunting and a limb fell of a tree, went through the window of his car, and injured the passenger".......except when recounting the story to me it took 3 minutes and 42 second and he repeated the phrase " through the window" 8 times.

For some reason, people repeating themselves has been bothering me lately. And since I noticed it, I've keep track. I had a guy use the the phrase " quite frankly" 11 times in one day. It might have been more because I went temporarily insane at the 10th time. Quite frankly, I can't stand it when people repeat themselves.