Retail of Two Cities

I took the plunge and went Christmas ( or for those called to action by Jerry Falwell...CHRISTmas) shopping today. It was the first time I've ventured to the mall in about a year and one of the few times I've purchased something NOT on the internet that didn't involve french fries.

OH SNAP ! Otis reading was the first to do "Hard to Handle"...the Black Crows should hang their heads in shame.

What I had failed to realize is that retail in the new millennium isn't just about trading goods and services...it's also about sharing in the personal lives of the fine employees at your local establishment. In three stops I had the fortune to learn:

* That the girl at Starbucks was wearing a $65 pair of pants because they were the only black pants that she had and she was afraid of schmutzing them up. She was, however, wearing a pair of under-armor socks which she was happy enough to show me. My response, "Ummmm...can I have my coffee ?"

* The girl at the wine shop was very tired. She explained to her co-worker, me, and my buddy that ( whisper) " I just found out that I'm pregnant....but shhhh, no one knows." That, naturally lead into the two of them discussing the finer points of morning sickness. Honored and not wanting to sound unappreciative of being part of this Hallmark moment I offered, " Ummmmm...can I have my wine ?"

My most unusual occurrence was reserved for the video store.

* I stepped up to the counter of the video store and two conversations started simultaneously. The first was the guy checking me out. He explained how if I joined some video cult that I not only save on my future purchases ( which will never happen) but that I could save right now on my current purchase. That for $16.95 I could save $20. He followed in a voice that can only be described as " fine print"...the savings comes in the form of a voucher that could be used for the aforementioned future purchase. What amazing is that I was able to retain any of that as there was another conversation going on that the same time between the two other clercks at the counter.

Clerk #1 seems to have some sort of authoritative role...I'm going to guess Assistant Senior Associate or something similarly distinguished. He was late teens or early twenties but grew a full beard to either look older or to make him the coolest guy at the Magic: The Gathering competitions. I'm not sure he accomplished either. For here out we'll refer to him as Brad. Clerk #2 was about 115 lbs and looked about 10 years old. He compensated for his youthful looks with a lip ring, an eyebrow ring, and a giant tattoo. The tattoo was on his bicep, was in technicolor and was either Munch's "The Scream" or possibly Van Gogh's " Starry Night". The difficulty in identifying the art is that with his arm being the size of a drinking straw the picture needed to be "modified from it's original format" as they say on TV and went the full circumference of his arm. We'll call this young lad, Michael...because there's no way he'd go by "Mike".

When I approached the counter Michael mentioned to no one in particular that he was tired and Brad immediately responded with, " Did you eat meat for lunch again ?" and shook his head disapprovingly ( if that's an actual adjective).

Apparently Michael was down with the whole Straight-Edge scene with the black attire, the facial rings, hip video store job and esoteric tattoo. He apparently had not taken the full plunge to swear off meat. To a purist like Brad this was unacceptable. " Dude, your problem is that all the blood is rushing from the rest of your body and into your stomach. It's a regular problem for you carnivores", he continued, his head shaking in full disdain, " You can't be at full energy when you're forcing your body to deal with all that meat and all of those toxin."

Had I not been shell-shocked from moments earlier learning that Kelly was going to be having her boyfriends baby (before her boyfriend even knew !), I would have probably have thought of the appropriate response, which would have been ....

" Hey, do you guys have either 'Bowhunters Gone Wild' or "The Best of Turkey Hunt 2005' ?......no ? Damn ! Cause there's nothing I like more then settling in with some jerky, a six pack of beer and a box of Kleenex, and have a full on drunken masturbation session watching some hunters harvest the beasts that God left for us....ahhh, is there a problem there Mr. PETA.....ahhh, do his eyes always roll like that when he has a seizure ?"

Instead is said, " ummmm..can I have my video ? Thanks..... Merry Chirstmas"