Saturday afternoon I was sitting in the living room watching TV when there was a knock at the door.
Standing on my stoop was some dude I'd never seen before and some woman I'm presuming was his wife. " Great," I figured...probably Jahova Witnesses or someone trying to sell me something.
I opened the door and the dude said, " Do you have a little black and white dog ?"
That's an odd opening. "Ummmm, yeah"
" Are you HotGril's Dad ?"
" Ahhhh, yes again," now I was really starting to get befuddled. Where the hell was this guy going with this.
" Well I was in my front yard and heard the mail truck slam on it's brakes and almost kill your dog."
I quickly asked, " Did it get hit ?"
" No, no, " he said in a reassuring voice, " the little guy is fine."
" DAMN !"...it just came out like a reflex.
My comment stopped the dude in his tracks. He was obviously a dog lover. The dude had driven all over the neighborhood like Inspector Clouseau finding out who this dog belonged to...and now he couldn't believe what I had just said.
" Maybe I should just KEEP the dog !" he said with rightous indignation.
Now I was in a real pickle. On one hand I've already stepped over a fine line whereby this neighbor of mine is assuming...and is about to confirm..that I'm a total a-hole who set his dog free in the hope that it would get run over. On the other hand...I think this dude might be serious and actually take the fucking dog. What's a brother to do. Then I remember that he dropped my daughter's name....which means he problably knows her AND Mrs. Flick and I if I have him take my dog he'll be telling everyone in the neighborhood what a maniac I am ( as if walking around in a whoopie cusion outfit hadn't already ruined me).
So in order to save my reputation I had to go full on in the other direction, " No no no, of COURSE I'm just kidding...where's the little guy...thank you SOOOO much for returning him to us...one of the kids must have left the gate open"
Then to really make a show of it, I had to pick the thing up and hug it and pet it and pretend that I was so greatful for its return.
I'm not sure if they totally bought it, but reluctantly they got in their car and left.
I immediately ran upstairs and showered with a scrub brush. Thankfully I didn't contract any sort of rash.