Easy Come Easy Go

The other morning, getting ready for work, I threw on the computer and tuned into Ultimatebet.com to watch professional poker player Phil Helmuth play a high stakes heads-up game ( that means against one other person) live.

(OK, I know watching poker online is pretty pathetic...can we all just accept I have a problem and move on for now ?)

Helmuth is one of the most accomplished poker players ever and his opponent was a rich guy looking to tell his buddies, " Hey I played Phil Helmuth !". Theoretically, the guy should have been able to take a pot or two to brag about, but in the end he's essentially paying for the experience. The only problem is no one told the cards that. Time after time the fish would raise and re-raise and then catch a miracle card to win the pot. And each time after seeing the cards, Helmuth would flip his lid. I'm sure he got carpal tunnel from all the typing. At first it looked something like:

" I've been playing perfect for three hours and you're still in this. I can't believe how lucky you are" and " lucky catch"

but then soon degraded to

" **** you suck"...." I cannot believe you'd play that ****"

then finally

" fcukin assohole **** **** **** r4etard" and "ahahdhtfaewiavjnhwerafkasfdzxdfzf cfx"

What made matters worse is that knowing the fish was playing bad cards, Helmuth started to press..doubling his bets at every turn...and then the fish actually started getting good cards.

In the end Helmuth lost $30,000. THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS !!!!! I'm pretty sure I'd kill myself. At the very least I'd dislocate my leg so that I could kick myself in the nuts.

But that's the nature of gambling. I remember seeing a 70 year old guy walk up to a craps table that I was at and he had the 30 year old bombshell on his arm put $25 on the hard 10. It hit and he let the $175 sit on the table. It hit again ! He, the bombshell, her breasts, and the $1225 in chips all walked away happy as clams.

I also remember sitting at a blackjack table and getting a pair of 7s with the dealer showing a 6. I split the 7s...got more 7s...split them again...then double down on everything that would take it. I actually had to borrow $4 to make the last bet. Everything I owned was sitting at the table when the dealer turned over the 5 to a groan from the crowd that formed. The second 5 that hit the table sent a roar of approval from the crowd and even the dealer smiled for my good fortune. But I didn't smile, I knew...sometimes you just know..... and my lunch had already started coming back up into my throat before the third 5 hit the table and sent me looking under the floormats of the car for toll money home.

But the only thing less interesting than hearing of someone's success is listen to their bad beat story, so I'll have to beg forgiveness for my indulgence. Point is...well there is no point....but they didn't build a city in a swamp in the armpit of New Jersey because most people get lucky. So unless you're a 70 year old dude with chips in one pocket and blue pills in the other, just assume that you're there for entertainment.

And if you see a 6 foot 4 inch dude with a dislocated leg doubled over in pain, please say hi to Phil for me.