I have a 5 year old son who loves video games so last night before heading out to play some poker, I got him Legends of Wrestling and two new Xbox controllers.
I set the thing up as best I could, but it had no instructions in the box so I told him after dinner I'd play a game with him and help him figure out the controls.
All during dinner the little fucker was talking smack..." you're going down"...."downtown"..."you're going so far down, that at the bottom theres going to be a door and your going through the door into a black hole ....down"
So I fired up the game and we got started.
Match 1 - Me=King Kong Bundy; Him=George the Animal Steele
Everytime he tried to body slam me he couldn't get me off the ground and I'd respond with the only move I could figure out, which was to drop a big elbow on him. But in the end speed won out over brawn and the boy went up 1 to 0.
Match 2 - I started to figure out the controls at bit and figured I'd spot the kid a little advantage. He was Hulk Hogan, I was Ko Ko B-Ware. Due to the size difference it took a while, but it was really a one sided contest and I had the bird wings flappin and came off the top rope to take the Hulkster out with a single fall. Boy-1; Me-1
The tie breaker was held in a steel cage and featured me as rowdy Roddy Piper and the boy as King Abdullah the Butcher. I was the first to figure out how to climb up the cage fence and used that to my advantage to stay away from The Butcher and then hit him repeatedly with a flying body press. I suppose I could have told the boy which buttons did what, but he's the one who was talking smack....and if you're going to talk the talk you better back that shit up. I also figure out how to open the gate and stand at the gate taunting the boy. When he came over to get me I stepped out of the squared circle for the victory. I immeditely jumped off his bed and started prancing around the room doing my victory dance singing
"When you're alone and life is making you lonelyYou can always go-downtownWhen you've got worries all the noise and the hurrySeems to help I know-downtown "
Now I should point out that the boy is a very very sweet boy. He'll whine from time to time, but he never gets angry or throws a temper tantrum and is very good natured.
But apparently, he doesn't take to taunting very well.
He threw down the controlled and started wailing and crying as loud as humanly possible. Then he stood up on top of his chair, let out a battle cry and lept onto me knocking both of us on the bed. Then the little bastard started doing some of his green belt karate shit on me. It was funny at first, but then he started connecting with kicks and punches and wasn't showing any signs of letting up. It was getting quite possible that he might really fuck me up.
So as best I could I put him in a submission hold and tried to calm him down. Then my wife came running in to see what all the clatter was and started yelling at me.
It took me 15-20 minutes to calm the boy down and then explain to him how all the controls work.
I end up being late to my poker game.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was late to my drinking and gambling because I was tormenting my son with a violent video game....like you're father of the year. Mind your own business.