switchin it up

Typically the weekends have gone..eat, drink, ride, sleep, repeat.

I thought I'd switch it up this past weekend and just eliminate the riding. That left a lot more time for the drinking.

Sunday I was obligated to play golf in an outing for work. Now I think golf is ok. It definately takes too long, and most people suck so bad at it that I find the fact that they play ridiculous, but it's enjoyable enough that you can muddle through by enjoying being outdoors and getting some fresh air. All that went right out the window once the rain started.

After suffering through about 5 holes of rain and cold I told our host, " thanks for inviting me and all, but as soon as I can see the parking lot, I'm outta here." Well 20 minutes later we cross the course on the way to the car and suddenly the rain stopped and the sun came out. So the guy says to me, " you can't leave now". I was soaking wet, miserable, and expecting to go home. Instead, we turned around and headed back out to play more terrible golf. The only way that I figured we could salvage the day was to immediately start drinking.

On the next green I could see the beer cart making it's way down an adjoining fairway. I left my partners with a quick goodbye and made a run for it. I caught the young lady and loaded up with a round for our foursome and met up with them on the next tee. Instead of being greeted with a thunderous round of applause for salvaging the day, I was told,

" ummm, we're not drinkers."

So there I was standing with 4 perfectly cold, perfectly delicious, perfectly imported Amstels and I was being informed that I was paired up to play with the Morman Tabernacle Choir.

" Well do you mind if I drink ?"

" No, go ahead.", they begrudgingly told me.

Now here's the thing. If I knew they didn't drink, I wouldn't have even considered it before I bought the beer. I would have just grinded away, played the round and gone home. But now the entire dynamic had switched. By even purchasing the beer, I suspect this crew had gone ahead and labeled me a drunkard. So the way I look at it, I was already sunk. Not drinking the 4 beers I bought wasn't going to help my reputation...and really, let's face it...not seeing that the four beer got used would have been a slap in the face to all the hard working Germans or Dutch or whoever the fuck slaved over a hot stove. And that's not even mentioning the sailors who risked their lives carting the stuff across the Atlantic. Maybe those tea-totlers could live with that kind of guilt on the conscience, but not me. I understand where my responsibilities to the greater good are. I drank the beers.

Immediately after golf I had to head to my son's birthday party. His party was being held at a karate studio. I grabbed a quick coffee and tried to steady myself. With my best face on I stumbled into the dojo and spent the next hour in the middle of a malestrom of kids screaming, boards breaking, and kids screaming. Did I mention the kids screaming ?

Now dispite all my faults, I have to say that I did a pretty good job. I was tired, I was frozen, and I was in the twilight of a mid-day hangover, but I played with the kids, I smiled, and I did everything I was asked to do.

Then I took the kids home, played with them, gave them baths, made them dinner, and put them to bed.

I mean, that's father of the year type shit. You never saw Mr. Brady or Ward Cleaver do that shit...sober even.

So here's the rub. When it's all said and done, my wife gives me some shit because she got the impression that I " didn't want to be there.". Apparently she got the feeling that " I wasn't really excited about the birthday party".

"Did I fail to do something ?" , I asked.

" Oh no, it's not that. You did everything"

( Yeah, damn right !)

" It's just that you didn't seem like you WANTED to be doing it."

WTF is it with women ? Seriously ? So I did everything expected of me...everything and then some...but I didn't do it in the right frame of mind ???!?!?!??! So it doens't count ?!?!?!?

Hey women...NOW YOU KNOW HOW WE FEEL ABOUT THE SEX !
But you know the difference ? The difference is, we know you're not into it....but we still take the sex, we're greatful for the effort, and we keep our yappers shut.

Didn't seem like I was "into it" ?! HA !
AT LEAST I MOVED AROUND DURING THE PARTY !

That's ok. I can deal with it. I didn't what any normal well adjust person would do.

I got up in the middle of the night and I ate the burrito that she doggie bagged and was going to have for lunch today.

Yeah, that right......I 'grudge munched' her.

and it felt good.

Word.