Who are you people ?

I've noticed an increase in traffic to the site recently. I don't know who the hell you people are and I have to admit that having you all staring at me is a bit unnerving. You're welcome to stay, but please have the courtesy of using coasters so as not to ruin my new coffee table.

Here's the lowdown. If you want to read something mildly entertaining, you probably have to go back a month. My last real good manic episode was March into the beginning of April. Around the time I tried to bean the guy with the shovel is when I was at full cry. Right now I'm in full on depression, which for all it's benefits in keeping me out of jail really doesn't provide anything substantial to write about.

If you're wondering who I am, it's really not an interesting story. I'm a middle aged dude with a white picket fence and thinning hair. I have 3 children. The oldest is 7 who thinks she's 19 and dresses like a stripper. Thankfully she's lost her two front teeth recently, so I only have to worry about someone kidnapping her if I take her to West Virginia. The Boy is 6, his only flaw seems to be having me as a father. I really don't like the talk too much about the youngest child. Essentially, it's going to be her..or us...and I think the safer money is on her. We don't keep any matches in the house, but we did find a shiv carved out of an old toothbrush during the last shakedown.

My wife is, as indicated in various stories, is equal parts saint and martyr for being married to me. I've pretty much gotten away with trapping her into this situation by marrying her 6 months after meeting her and because she has deminished abilities of observation. My time may be limited however as her powers of observation continue to improve. At dinner on Saturday night she told me, " You know I love you right ?...but I think it's important that you realize that you're around 10% completely out of your mind. " This wouldn't be all that bad except that I happen to know that I've done a pretty good job of hiding 90% of myself from her.

If I wasn't already clipped I think I'd knock her up again for some added security.

I have a dog. Actually my wife has a dog. The is the most disgusting vile creature ever to walk the earth. It's recently gone deaf and mostly blind, and had bladder control issues. Every night I pray and hope with every fiber of my being that when i wake up, the dog will be dead. Of course, every morning I wake up, the dog is alive, and it's pissed on something that I own. More recently we've gotten hard wood floors which has given the dog new powers of annoyance as it walks in circles all waking hours, dragging it's claws going 'clickty-clack, clickity clack' over and over.

I can't say who I am because with my line of work, do-good activists surf the net looking for my name so they can use my posts to try and bribe me. At least that's what happend with the last blog I had. Why anyone would go through that much trouble to get a handicapped parking spot in front of their house is beyond me, but people are fucked up. Well .....that reason plus I don't want my wife to find this site and realize that there's is the other 90%.

That being said, if you really want to know, you can pretty much figure it out in about 30 seconds. And no, I'm not the new pope...hopefully that helps.