I survived.
Injury report:
- Left hand wrecked. Digging a ditch with either a wedge or 3 iron is not advised.
- Both feet sore
- Right side and lower back - stiff
- Liver - shot...but that was a forgone conclusion
- Gut - I had a shot avoiding gastric bypass right up until I ate a hot pepper on a dare. Apparently the human digestive system can handle large quantities of booze, coffee, and tomato sauce, but draws the line at jalapeno.
I crammed the pepper into my gord and sat there like a tough guy for about 6 seconds before it hit me. Somehow I avoided booting right there at the table and ran to the bathroom. I held most of it all down and drank as much water as possible, but that was only spreading the fire. I ran out of the restaurant across the walk to the Johny Rockers and yelled to the manager at the register, " Milk NOW !" My eyes were watering and I have to believe that I was red as a fire plug. As he trotted over to the refridgerator he asked, " hot pepper ?" and as he handed me the glass said, " $2". I have to believe that he's seen that scene a couple of times before. Anyway, the $1 I picked up only cost me $2 in milk and a $45 dinner I was unable to eat. Yeah...I'm a friggin winner.
The rest of the weekend went great. Met some funny bastards, played a lot of golf, and drank too much booze. What more can you ask for ? Got 11 hours of sleep last night and woke this morning feeling fresh as a daisy.
The only problems I encountered on the trip were on the trip home. My flight was delayed coming back so I missed the shuttle to take me from the Atlantic City Airport over the the train station. The next shuttle wasn't due for 30 minutes which would have meant me missing the train and would have delayed my trip home by over 2 hours. My son's first baseball practice was last night and I did not want to miss getting home for that.
I went out to look for a cab and found an old, seasoned black ( that's relvent later in this story) atlantic city cabbie out front. He was rubber cementing the vinal roof back onto the windshield of what looked to be a 1982 Ford LTD.
" How much to take me into the train station", I asked.
" $28 "
I dug through my pockets and had $21 and change on me. I needed $7.25 for the train which left me about $14 for the cab. " How about $14..that's what the shuttle would cost me."
" Sorry my man. It's a $28 minimum. You can wait for the shuttle or, if you can find someone to split the cab with you then it will be $14. But the next flight into the airport isn't for an hour, so I don't think you're going to have any luck finding another person. I wish I could help you out because we're both going to end up sitting here, but there's nothing I can do"
Dejected, I walked back into the terminal to wait for the shuttle. With my train leaving in 20 minutes and being at least 10 minutes away I pretty much resigned myself to missing the boy's practice.
The cabbie then walked through the doors and said, " It's your lucky day. I found you a rider."
I hopped up and ran to the door at the same time three New Jersey State Troopers came walking around the corner with a guy.
The cabbie said to me, " They just pulled this guy from a plane and want me to drop this guy off anywhere in the city. You're going to split the cab with him"
Yeah....it's was starting to feel like "my lucky day".
The first thing I did was hop into the front seat and then remind the cabbie that my train was leaving in about 18 minutes. " can we make it ?", I inquired. He promised to give it his best shot.
The cops then tossed the guy into the back seat of the cab. The car immediately filled with the stink of booze. Despite being drunk as a skunk and just being yanked off his plane the guy was fairly calm and actually gave the cops the old " yes officer, no officer". That lasted right until the car left the curb. He was smart enough to keep his mouth shut and keep his ass out of jail, but once clear of trouble let it all out.
The entire time I was really really bummed that I didn't have a voice recorder...I am definately getting one this week. This will probably lose something in the translation, but this is the best as i can remember...
" Ahhh fucking fucking fucking shit fuckers FUCK. Fucking air whores.....sorry sorry sorry...flight attendants...sluts...whatever. All I did was sit in first class without a ticket...the seats were fucking empty. OK, so that's not allowed "please move" ok I can deal with that, so I moved....so what if I moved to another seat that wasn't mine...big fucking deal, no one was sitting there. Why is everyone so uptight. The police told me the pilot was uncomfortable....what the fuck is that...pilot...uncomfortable...yeah right. The sand niggers have won...the fucking sandniggers have won....oh shit, hey man, I'm sorry about the nigger thing....but it is what it is...ok the nigger thing is uncool, but you know what I mean...the towelheads, yeah the fucking terrorist have won....the won my day that for sure...I'm supposed to be in the air going to Florida and instead I'm going to....HEY, WHERE IN THE FUCK ARE YOU TAKING ME ?!??!!......holy shit....fuck....hey man where are you going ? .....Philadelphia, that sounds good, you seem like a nice guy, I should go with you and get out of this shithole, but I have to come back here tomorrow to try again......they said I could come back tomorrow....but what the fuck, I want to go now.....I said to the cop " do I look drunk ?" and he said " as a matter of fact sir you do" .....( long pause).....well what the fuck if they don't want you to drink then why do they put a bar in the fucking airport...the towelheads have won, we're all done for...it's all over."
This tirade continue the entire time we sped down the AC Expressway at 75 mph trying to get to the train ontime. When you get to the trainstation you can see the tracks and I could see my train just pulling in and passengers starting to get off. The cabbie said, you're going to be ok, you'll have about 5 minutes for everyone to get off and then on". We got to Atlantic Blvd, and he pulled a semi-legal U-turn and a wave of relief came over me. I was going to be OK.
Then the school bus in front of us stopped and the lights went on. The cabbie stopped.
" Just go!" I said.
" Son, I'll do a lot of things. But the one thing that I wont do is pass a bus. It aint happening"
The guy in the back started yelling, " fucking kids....gotta do everything "for the children"...fuck the children....this aint our day pal..we should just go get fucked up. You hang with me tonight. Hurry up you fucking kids. How do you get these windows open...my window dont work"
Luckily, there were only a couple of kids on the bus. We sped up to the gate, I hopped out and got onto the train with about a minute to spare.
In the end I got home in time, made the first practice, and hustled home and was asleep by 8:30pm.
I have no idea what happened to the drunk.
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