Larks goes drinking

The Larks stories have come because I recently caught up with him after about a year of no contact. His number and address changed and no one I knew had any inkling of where he might turn up.

I knew one sure fire way to find out where he was but put off doing it for a long time. Finally, reluctantly I called the mother of Larks son. When she answered I said, " Good evening LaLonnie....this is Flick", with the friendliest voice I knew. I figured time heals all wounds and it had to be a good dozen years since we had talked.

long pause...long pause... a very disappointed " Oh", was all she offered. I suppose we were dealing with a 15 year wound. In any case she was kind enough to supply me with Larks number and informed me that he " had to move out of town".

Apparently Larks had a bit of an altercation with three of the local university football players and broke one of their legs. There was an investigation the eventually exonerated Larks due to self defense but in the process the DA put Larks through the ringer thinking he finally had something to stick him with ( there's a long history there going back to high school and Larks allegedly banging the dudes sister or something).....but in any case Larks felt he was dealt with unfairly in the process. As a remedy he went to Kinkos and made up 8 1/2 x 11 flyers that said the the DA was Saddam Hussain and put them on all the cars along the main street. Anyway...the point is he felt that it would be in his best interest to move just outside the County limits and that's where I eventually met up with him.

When I did reach him he informed me that his "campain of terror" on the DA had not ended and recounted the following....

" So I knew that this facist ( the DA) had it out for me and I also knew this other dude who never likes me and was a rat and who was looking to get out of some trouble so I hatched this plan to get both of them. I got me three Fosters oil cans and I emptied them most of the way and filled them back up with water so they smelled like beer and if you had a sip might taste like beer, but they were mostly water. Then I went over the rats house and started guzzling the oil cans and yelling about how I was going to go into town and start some trouble. I knew as soon as I left the rat would call the DA. After I finished the last can I jumped in my car, drove into town ( where they were always looking for me anyway), and started driving up and down main street. I didn't do anything illegal, and I stayed in my lane, but I kept driving back and forth with the radio loud kinda speeding up and slowing down and trying to be as visible as possible.....it took a little while but sooner or later they pulled me over."

" The pulled me out of the car and gave me a bunch of those test which I purposely failed. I poked myself in the eye insted of the nose and I messed up the alphabet...I didn't even have to fake that one. So they arrested me for suspicion of drunk driving and took me in for a breathalizer. I took the breathalizer and it came up zero....so they made me take it again....zero....and again ! and finally they took me to the hospital and gave me a blood test.......and I was totally clean.....they had to let me going...ha ha suckas !"

" Did you get a ticket or anything " , I asked ?

" Ha ! NO ! Nothing. I denied being drunk the whole time and told them that they were harassing me for no reason and that I'd beat the breathalizer and that I was going to sue them...it was great. I made a big scene at the jail and the other dudes in there were all cheering when they had to give me my shit back so I could leave."

" So you're like the hero of the jail ?"

" Well it's not really a 'jail' like county lock-up.....but I could have won mayor of the holding tank....for sure."

" Thats awesome" I offered.

" Yeah, so when I got back I wrote this 19 page essay on how to beat the breathalizer. It's all about respiration and enzymes and shit like that. I'm trying to sell it to all the fraternities for $19.95 a copy. I'll send you a copy of it."

" You wrote 19 pages on how to fill up a beer can with water ?"

" No, but that was the first breathalizer I ever took. And when we were waiting for the results of the blood test I had some time to sit there and think about it I came up with a way to beat the test. The test is based on the alcohol in your breath, so if you manipulate your breathing in such a fashion.....well.....it's very complicated...... I'll mail it to you."

"Please do"

I don't have a copy yet, but as soon as I do I'll post it here for your review.