not my week

So far this week I've been outsmarted by a retarded guy in line at the deli. And today I was out sprinted in a bike race by a guy with one leg. And it's only Tuesday night.

If a blind guy shows up at my doorstep looking to play a little 1 on 1, I'm just going to give him $10 admit defeat and save us both the embarassment.

Ah shit, I just remembered I have to go to the urologist tomorrow morning...oh gawd I'm doomed.

That reminds me of the time I got my vasectomy. That process in and of itself is somewhat odd and it was made even a little more interesting by the fact that my urologist is a buddy of mine. We ride together and we go out to dinner with our wives. But in the end I got over most of the awkwardness and was actually appreciative of the fact that I had someone that I knew and trusted working on me.

About five weeks after the operation things were fine but I did have a little nodule where the suture was in one of my nut sacks. I didn't think anything of it but since we were out to dinner I thought I'd ask the doc about it some time when the opportunity presented itself. No opportunity arose during dinner but we did stop back at his house and while the women were in the kitchen and we were at the bar I casually mentioned it;

" so, ehhh, is it normal to have a little lump where the suture was ?"

somewhat alarmed, " what do yo mean lump ?"

" well not a lump, but just a little bump."

" well, listen a lump is bad. Is it a lump ?"

" no no no I shouldn't have said lump. It's like the size of a bb pellet....right where the stiches were."

he thought for a couple of seconds, " well sometimes there are small deposits where the stiches disolve and they're absolutely no big deal...but I am a little nervous when you start talking lumps...you do have a family history of testicular cancer. Why don't I take a look at it ?"

" ok, should I just call in and schedule an appointment ?"

" Whatever, sure." then added seriously, " Or if you want I can take a look at it right now."

Now I'm a 90's guy and all. And I'm not the type of guy who's shy to get changed in the locker room. And I understand that the dude is a doctor and all but this was definately wigging me out

" Listen Doc....don't take this the wrong way...but we just had a bunch of drinks, we're sitting in your den...and you just asked my to drop my pants so that you can fondle me testicles. Now I'm no prude but #1 - that's some freaky shit.....and #2 - when out wives walk in and see that shit going down we're either swingin or dead...adn frankly I'm not down with either"

and that ended that

So a few weeks go by and I keep finding excused not to go in and see the Doc. Not because of his suggestion, just to a general aversion to going to any doctor.

Then one day when I'm watching the kids the doorbell rang and there was El Doc-tor.

" Why haven't you been in to see me ?", and he wasn't kidding around

" well you know..."

" listen man, I can't having you get cancer and drop over dead because you're too embarassed to come in and have me look at you."

" I know doc, I know. It's not you or anything I've just been busy and it seems silly to come in over nothing" I answered sincerely.

" We'll that's a bunch of bullshit. I'm checking you out."

" Now ?!"

" Yeah now. You want me to go out to the car and get a white coat and stethascope ?"

" No man...it's just a little weird "

" You know what's weird...having your balls cut off and getting lung cancer from the tumors metasticie"

"hmm, you make a good point"

So I threw in a movie for the kids and then slunked into the back bathroom for my examination. So I had a man fondle me while I hid from my kids in the other room.

It turns out that my balls are fine. I, however, might be gay.

Anyway.

And if I haven't mentioned it again recently, I really really really really really really hope my dog dies. I'm not a religous man, but I'd like you all to take a moment tonight, wherever you might be, and get down on your knees to ask your creator for the small favor of having this be the last night that the piece of shit, fungus infected, yapping, pissing, scratching, shitting mogrel spends on this planet.

Sleep well.