Larks takes the show on the road

We last left Larks in his living room smashing balls into an Army surplus cargo net.

The remainder of the summer and a long winter followed and I had just about forgotten about the entire incident when one spring morning my phone rang....

" Hello ?"

" What's up sucka ?" It was Larks.

" Hey, what's new ?"

" I just got back from Q school."

Q School - Every year some 1200 professional golfers try out for the most exclusive golf tour in the world, the PGA. Only 30 will make it through what is called "Q School" .. the grueling qualifying tournaments they must compete in to earn the coveted PGA card. Q School is the "Survivor" of the golf world. It involves three stages of tournaments and at each stage golfers are eliminated. It's tense, nerve-racking, an endurance test like no other.

Oh yeah, it costs like $3000 to enter.

Now there are two important things to note about Larks. #1 - He's broke...all the time. His track record with employment is less than stellar. Work gets in the way of fun. And he has a problem playing well with others. I remember him losing a job at a milking parlor because both a co-worker and the cows kept "eyeballing" him and had to be "dealt with". There were more than a few times where he would have no money to eat and barely enough money for beer. Then again there were periods when he would show up with a giant bankroll leading us to believe that he wasn't adverse to robbing banks or assasinating people. But in any case, it was a bit of a shock that he would come up with 3 grand to play in a golf tournament

#2 - is that Larks was the greatest natural athlete I've ever known. He took up cycling and within a year was beating the elites in the sport. He took up boxing and within one summer had put on 10 lbs of muscle and was giving local boxers the beat down. He walked onto the college cross country team with no experience and at 26 years old. He was a black belt in Judo. He was incredibly gifted phyically and had an immediate proficiency with anything I had seen him attempt. It is perposterous to think that someone could take up golf....start by playing in their living room...and then be good enough to try and qualify for the PGA tour. But if anyone could do it, it would be this guy.

Baffled, I asked the most obvious question, "uh....so how'd it go."

And this is the story that I got.

" Yeah, it went good. I mean I didn't qualify or anything, but it was good experience for the next time I try out. I learned a lot. But the best part was that I got to play three rounds. I got to play a practice round on Tuesday and then got to play in the tournament on Wednesday and Thursday. And my score got better every day."

I had to ask, " Well what score qualified and what did you shoot "

" I didn't keep score the first day cause it was practice, but I didn't do that good. I think the winner shot something like 66-68 and you had to shoot 70-70 or better to qualify. I shot 120 - 112 "

" Pardon me ?"

" What ? Pardon what ?"

" Did you just say you shot One hundred-and-twenty and one-hundred-and-twelve ?"

" Yeah ?"

" Is that what you were expecting to shoot ?"

" I really had no idea. How would I know ? I mean I had been shooting par in my living room, but that's not real golf obviously."

I was astonished at this point, " So what had you been shooting at real golf ?"

" I wasn't shooting anything. I never played real golf. "

" You never played rewal golf....and your first real golf was Q school ?"

"I was hoping to get some rounds in before I got here, but the winter has been real bad and none of the courses were open. I did hit at the range a few times, but the practice round I played was the first time I had ever been on a golf course. So I'd like to shoot better, but I'm pretty happy with the 112. I mean in one round I got 8 better. "

" How....ahhhhhh......what......ummmmm....so what was it like ? Was it cool ? Did you have fun ?" At this point my head was spinning so bad I had no idea what to ask next.

" Well the last day was great. I played with a really nice guy who was a big help. He was nice enough to explain all the rules and stuff. The practice round was OK too. Well the practice round didn't start well...they started giving my girlfriend shit about her shoes and skirt and they weren't going to let her caddie for me...the starter guy was being a real asshole. He was all worked up about her shoes and I told her that she wasn't going walk on the greens and we were allowed to use a cart, but he was being a dick. If I wasn't so nervous about playing I probably would have shoved his clipboard up his ass...but I had a lot going on that day. So we went in and bought her some shorts and golf shoes and then she was able to be my caddie for the rest of the time."

" Really ? She carried you clubs for 36 holes. That's cool of her."

" She carried them a lot of the time. She'd get tired and I'd carry them too, but it was good to have here there, she kept me head together especially with all the stuff going on in the first round. "

" What happened the first round ?"

" Well, you know, It was my first tournament and I told the guys I was playing with that I was nervous and hadn't played before and to let me know if I was doing anything wrong...and they were pretty cool about things. But this dude in the yellow sweater behind us was being a real asshole. He kept telling us to hurry up and then making all kinds of gesture in the fairway when I was lining up putts. And then he had an official come and talk to our group. Finally on the 14th hole I had to walk back and straighten him out."

Uh-oh..." What do you mean straghten him out. Please don't tell me you beat him up on the golf course"

" No, but I made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that I could not be distracted from my game any further. And he seemed to understood my predicament. More importantly he seemed to understand his perdicament. So, we didn't have any problems after than...... The only other thing bad besides that was that I hit one of the marshall dudes with a ball.

" WHAT !?!?!?"

" Yeah, I couldn't find my ball. I mean I knew where it was, It was right behind the green on this downhill. It was wet and it had plugged back there and I was looking for it forever and couldn't find it. I finally found a ball where mine was, but it wasn't my ball. I was going to keep looking and then I saw the official standing on the green asking the other dudes what they were waiting for and I knew that I was up the creek. He started walking over to the side of the green where I was and I though I better get a move on it or I was going to get a penalty, so I just played the ball I found since it was in the same spot. So lickety-split I hit the ball and 'cause it was half burried it kind shot off at an angle at around the same time that the marshall was coming down the hill.... and it hit him right in the pocket on his chest."

" HOLY SHIT, DID IT HURT HIM?"

" Well it made a pretty good thud, but it wasn't going too fast cause of all the mud and all on it."

" What happened ?"

" He stopped for a second and was wheezing a shit...but just a little bit, not too bad. Then looked at me and said 'pick up your play..we have three groups behind you waiting'...then all pissed off, he turned around walked to his cart and peeled outta there."

" THAT'S INCREDIBLE"

" Yeah, he never even look to see if I was playing the right ball........ So you'll never believe what happened the next day."

" No, I'm sure I wont"

" So the next day, we show up and that have us in our threesomes and guess who they paired me with ?"

"Who?"

" The yellow sweater dude!"

" Oh-no....how did that go ?"

" It didn't. He started screaming and yelling about me shooting a 120 and about me threatening to kill him...which I DID NOT DO....and he refused to play with me...he was making a real ass of himself...so I said ' whatever dude, you shot like 81 and you played golf before so I wouldn't be talking about anyone sucking...I never played before and I'm only like a couple of guys behind you in the standings' and that shut him up pretty good"

" I suppose it would, so what happened."

" Well the yellow dude got put with someone else. But the other dude I was paired with said he'd play with me. I told him that he didn't have to if it was going to fuck him up, but it was cool. He said that he shot an 80 and that there was no way that he'd be able to qualify so he just hung out with me and explained a bunch of the rules and showed me some tips and stuff to practice, so it was cool. And they sent us off last so we could cruise around and take our time."

" That's an absolutely amazing story Larks."

" Thanks !"

After hearing this, I called my bother, who is a professional golfer, and asked him if he had ever heard of such a thing. He said that every once in a while you'd hear of someone entering an open tournament or Q-school who was a high handicapper just to say that they had done it. But he hadn't heard of anyone ever posting a 232. A couple of months later he said that the following notice appreared in one of his PGA journals.....

For Q school, the the PGA has added a Pre Qualifying round. This round is for players who wish to enter Q school but;

a) have not played in the Qualifying Tournament in the last three years and are unable to provide tournament results listing their scores and finish positions from a minimum of two 36 hole tournaments
b) received a noncompetitive letter the last time they competed in the Qualifying Tournament

Cost for the pre-Qualfying round...and additional $4500.

Surprisingly, no one has ever applied for and the PGA Tour has never had to hold one of these pre-qualifying tournaments...or as they're more affectionately known in golfing circles...The L School.