loose lips

Saturday night I had a few too many cocktails. While Sunday and Monday were no treat, I think I got away Saturday night mostly unscathed. I didn't remove any articles of clothing, I didn't threaten anyone, the only thing that I can recall doing inapproriately was telling a story to an elderly couple that I inadvertantly ended with the punchline, " MOTHERFUCKER !"

The story I was conveying had just happened the night previous, last Friday. As any regular reader already knows by my ranting that day, I was particularly stressed out. I left work looking for trouble and when my wife called and asked if I would meet her and the girls at the mall, trouble was going to be easy to find.

I walked up to the mall bar and asked, " do you have any single malt scotch ?"

The 21 year old college girl behind the counter looked back at me blankly, " ummm single what ?"

I repeated myself and she dug around in the well for a while and found me a bottle of Glenlivet, " How would you like that ?"

" Scotch and water please."

To my astonishment, she then picked up a soda glass, filled it with ice, poured some scotch over the ice, then proceeded to fill the glass with water, stopping only when I started screaming from across the bar. To add insult to injury, as I sat there mouth agape wonder what to do, she plopped a bill in front of me for $7.

The head waitress (which at this place meant another 21 year old, but this one had probably been there for more than 6 weeks) walked over and asked if there was a problem.

" Yeah.", I answered, " Do you think that you might be able to strain this into another, perhaps smaller glass, without ice ?"

" Sure", she said. Then strained out the drink into a second soda glass handing me what was, essentially, a half filled glass of slightly tinted water.

Miserably, spitefully, I downed the swamp water and followed it up with a couple of Yuenglings and dinner with the wife and kids.

After dinner, Mrs. Flick had a couple of things to get in the mall and so off we went into that hell hole. She's veteran enough to know that I was going to be a royal pain in the ass, so as well walked by one of those massage kiosks she said, " Hey listen, while the girls and I are shopping, why don't you get a massage ?"

" A mall massage ?", I asked incredulously, " no way."

" Come on. Your options are to walk around looking at little girls clothes or this. Go ahead, it will relax you."

After some further dialoge, she walked over, had a brief discussion with the Chinese dude in blue doctor scrubs and then came back. " See that guy over there, he'll take care of everything."

Begrudgingly, I walked over to the guy, " OK, where do we go ?"

He looked at me puzzled and pointed over to this contraption about 10 feet away.

" HERE ! right here ?!"

He nodded and pointed again.

Right there in the middle of the aisle with Friday night shoppers walking back and forth was this massage kneeler. " You have got to be f-ing kidding me." I looked back at the guy and he stared happily back at me.

" Ah fuck it, lets do it", I figured I'm face down on that thing no one can see me, what the hell. He put down this paper thing, like a toilet seat cover, I shoved me face in the hole and the dude started pounding away at my back.

10 minutes later he tapped me on the shoulder. " Ok, we're done ?", I asked.

" No no...over more", he replied in broke English. I couldn't understand what he was talking about.

Finally a younger Chinese girls walked over and in a little better English informed me, " You wife, she get you foot massage too. 10 minute each foot"

" Ok, fine, he told me to get up.", I started back to the massge contraption.

" No, you go over here", the girl grabbed my arm and pulled me around to the other side of the kiosk where I was surprised to see a lazy boy/ barko lounger chair with a footstool. " You sit"

Kinda stunned I sat in the chair. I looked down and the Chinaman pulled off my shoes and sock. Then he pulled on these giant gloves. The only time I've seen gloves of that type were on an Animal Planet show where they were impregnating horses. And just like on that show he started lubing the gloves up in this vat of oil.

" You lay back now see !", and with that hit a button that send the barkolounger in full recline mode.

So as most of you probably have gathered, I have a tendency to be an extremely self conscious person. Some might say that it borders on paranoid, and those people are being polite. So laying akimbo, with the top end of me half way into the northbound aisle of the mall councourse, and the south end of me being rubbed by a lubed up Chinaman in latex is not what I would described as a comfortable moment for me.

" Hey...uh Fong...do you have a curtain or something ?"

" No ! You lay back now !"

" How about a couple of those paper towels I can put over my face or something ?"

" Ha ha, you funny ", apparently thinking that I wasn't serious about the towels.

With that, Fong pickup up my left foot to his eye level holding it in his left hand. He reared back with his right hand like a prize fighter and WHAP WHAP WHAP WHAP WHAP WHAP, hauled off and punched me as hard as he could...six times right into the base of my heel.

" HOLY SMOKES !", I yelled startled. Then all of a sudden, for the first time in weeks, my left leg went totally relaxed. Holy crap that felt good.

I looked down at Fong with my eyes just about bugged out of my head and he looked back at me with a knowing grin, " You lay back now, yes ?"

So whats a brother to do ? There's really no middle ground in a scene like that. As uncomfortable as the situation was, I really had to choices. The first was to call the whole thing off, the other was to just go with it. I figured screw it, the situation was so surreal I'd just go with it. It was going to take about 17 more minutes then it would be done and over, and really I was starting to feel better.

I put my hands on my belly, laid back, closed my eyes and started to relax.

At first I could hear the voices in the background, " hey look at that dude getting a massage.......watch out for that dudes head....."

breathe in breathe out...ignore the voices...

" hey that guy is letting another guy rub his feet...heh heh"

breathe....ignore....and sure enough it was starting to work. Pretty soon the voices all blended into each other as they passed by. Fong was rubbing the tension out of my feet, I was breathing nice and easy, and for the first time in forever I started to relax and let the stress of life flow out of my body...starting to find my happy place.....

Then....


" BOOOOOOOO !"

Instinctively, my eyes popped open. Two inches from my face...literally nose to nose, was my next door neighbor with her brood of kids and husband in tow. " Har har har har......I saw you laying there and I just HAD to do that, ha ha ha" she giggled like a mental patient.

Which leads me back to the beginning of this story, end of that story, and a new dynamic between my neighbors and I as I sat up in the chair sending her reeling back and yelled, of all things, " MOTHERFUCKER !"

my weekend

- bad scotch
- Chineese man rubbing my feet
- kayaking
- eating a roasted pig
- 12 beers ( plus or minus 6 beers...and probably not the minus part)
- 2 hours on the bike
- 3 hours on the can
- still crusty on monday

After reading my posts from Friday, I think I'm the only one who didn't see this coming.

don't P in our ool

I've been under a decent ammt of work stress lately, and between training for a long triathlon and having allergies I've been under a great deal of physical stress. Home stress I don't even want to talk about except to say that no one warned me about the 9 year old boy "moronic" phase. In any case.....sooner or later something had to give.

Last night I went to the pool which, in general, already has be on the edge. The pool situation is stressful enough because you have to go through the locker room of naked old men which I've already documented at length.


But you can add to that a couple of factors which occur 100% of the time. They are;

* The pool's dumb policy of only maintaining two lap lanes even during peak hours. This means that you always have to share a lane. So when you get on deck, you have to wait until some old fart meanders his way across the pool doing the elementary back stroke and hope that you can catch him and let him know that your sharing his lane so he doesn't bean you or so that you don't knock into him in the deep end and drown him. And then once you're in a lane, they'll inevitably fill and some person will pull their chair up the the edge of the water and alternate between asking everyone, " do you have much longer ?" and then huffing and rolling their eyes when you reply, " suck my pull buoy".

* There's always a water aerobics class going on. This means fifteen 82 year old fat women who wrap themselves in those floatie noodles and bob around like dead manatees to the sounds of the 70's. Add in the fact that every one of them has been hermetically sealed in perfumes purchased by their grandchildren and cheap eyebrow make-up and what you end up with is a stinky, choppy, disgusting soup of a pool.

Last night was made worse by the following

- My lane partner was a woman in her mid-60s. Half the time she did this weird sort of sidestroke with a giant scissor kick. The effect of which was that I got the worlds creepiest beaver shot whenever I had to pass her northbound. The other half of the time she put these flippers on and swam freestyle really really fast, and passed me multiple times much to my humiliation.

- There was a special needs kid wandering around the pool. He looked to be in his early 20s. He was at least 6 foot 5" and weighed, no exaggeration, 400 lbs. He was like a black George "The Animal" Steel...complete with the lazy eye and everything. He was a nice enough kid and for whatever reason took a shining to me. So whenever I would stop between sets he would start to wander over to my lane and stare at me absently. I was torn between trying to be nice to the kid ( and not look like a douche to his super hot mom on the deck for blowing him off) and getting my workouts in. I already HATE swimming, and want to get it over with. At the same time I don't want to be known as " that dude who hates retarded kids". Pretty much that's all I could think about while I was swimming.

- Finally there was this family of Chinese kids. Appropriately enough there were like 700 of them and everyone of them was acting like they were throwing a seizure. Every once in a while one of them would start screaming to high heaven and it would startle me, the life guards and everyone else, assuming that someone was hurt or drowning. The mother of the brood, of course, just sat there oblivious... probably content that she wasn't in labor for more than a 10 minute stretch of time.

The whole thing came to a head when this college age girl came in to give a swim lesson to this little 4 year old girl. They set up right next to my lane in the corner where the lap lane met the open wasteland of manatees and screaming Asians.

After a set I stopped to catch my breath and I could see it coming. It was like a perfect storm of madness. At the same time that the college girl was trying to get the 4 year old to swim to her from the edge of the pool, the 400lb retarded guy started making his way over to me, and the Asian kids started an all out Tienanmen Square revolutionary assault on each other with kickboards and noodles, whooping it up the whole time. It was a giant wave of flesh, and splash and noise and cheap perfume stick and I ....coudn't....fucking....take it.....any.......more.


" HEEEEEEYYYYYY ! HEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYY !!!!!! " I screamed at the top of my lugs, my voice echoing above the din of kids screaming and bad disco.

" CUT THAT SHIT OOOOOUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTT !!!!!!", I pointed at the biggest Chinese kid, " They're trying to have a lesson here and I'm trying to swim and you need to stop freakin screaming and BACK UP !"

I eyeballed the retarded guy. Well I eyeballed one of his eyeballs anyway. " Not you buddy, you're good. Just watch out for the little kid."

Then I put on my goggles and swam 300 meters.

When I popped my head up again, I had the place to myself. So I guess in the end it pretty much all worked out for the best.

My job

Hello, I'd like to answer a few of your questions:

First off, no you may not have a speed bump. I could give you 5 good reasonable reasons why the suggestion is dumb, but you'd ignore all of those and tell me how you saw one someplace else ( that was a speed table..at a crosswalk, btw) and you'll refuse to understand why, so lets just cut to the chase. The answer is no.

You'd like a "children playing" sign on your street ? You mean there are children playing on YOUR street ? Oh you must be so lucky, I don't think that happens anyplace else.

No, if it "saves one child " its still not probably worth it...whatever IT is. If we eliminated all cars then no child would ever be struck by a car. Would that be worth it ? What's that you say ? Car's are also useful for productivity ? Car's increase efficiencies ? In some cases cars actually save lives ? Oh, so what I hear you saying is that we should evaluate the merits of an idea on a sound and objective evaluations of the facts and not some knee jerk emotional reaction ? OK, I AGREE.

I'm sorry that you wont be voting for me next time. I'll try to manage my disappointment with the fact that my position isn't elected, its appointed. And yes, I do think you should go over my head to the local Congressman. He'll why stop there ? I'd also suggest you contact the White House and the Vatican. While you have them on the line, see if any of them have a few moments to explain 6th grade civics to you. In the meantime I'll be hanging out with my Old Boys Network talking about who we know, not what we know and working on behalf of whatever party you're not affiliated with.

Yes, if you're black whatever I do is all because you're black. Unless you're some other race, than thats the reason. White Christians, just realize that the whole system has been set against you and give up already. In short, nobody gets a break.

Just so you know the official order of meaningless attempts to influence my decision are
a) repeating yourself 4 times,
b) screaming loudly
then
c) hollow threats

And finally......OH YOU'RE A TAXPAYER !!!!!!! You should have said so when you first walked in. Please have a seat and I'll get to you right after the air breathers.

I like this story

How to get picked out of a vegas poker room

Rounding the corner in front of the Flamingo, my friend and I run into Dustin Dirksen, high-stakes online professional and full on LAG-tard.

After the initial hellos and handshakes, Dirksen, beer in hand, jumped straight into his latest Las Vegas story.

At around 2 a.m. on a Monday night, Dirksen and his friend were sitting at a $1/$2 No-Limit table at O'Sheas.

As you would imagine from a player who plays games with a big blind equal to the entire buy-in at a $1/$2 table, he can only play the game for so long until something sticky has to hit the fan.


After some half-a-dozen Newcastles and some ridiculously aggressive action, the two decide to put it all-in and flip for their stacks. Wanting to flip with just his friend, Dirksen asks the entire table if it would be cool for him to pay everyone $2 for them to all fold next hand, letting him and his friend flip unhindered.

Everyone agrees, Dirksen pays the players $2 each and the cards get dealt. Dirksen and his friend push their stacks and the whole table folds to the button who looks down to pocket aces.

Instead of laughing and mucking the aces face up, he announces "call," and moves his chips across the line.

Dirksen, in a state of disbelief, tries some diplomacy and reminds buddy-aces that he agreed to fold, and accepted the $2 to do so. Buddy says he's all in and pushes his chips across the line.

Dirksen, matter of factly, informs the guy "no you're not," and pushes his chips back to the rail.

When buddy moves his chips across the line for the second time, Dirksen's composure starts to go south. Pushing buddy's chips back to the rail a second time, Dirksen tells the guy that he's not all in, and he's going to get punched in the face.

Buddy, whose girlfriend has been sitting behind him the entire time, starts to argue about the hand and the threat, bringing his girlfriend into the mix.

Dirksen, starting to lose it, tells the guy that not only will he punch him in the face, but if he doesn't fold the hand, he'll punch his girlfriend in the face as well.

Perhaps it was the nearby Vegas casino security, or the fact that Dirksen is not a particularly intimidating guy, but buddy-aces was not having any of the physical threats. Unperturbed by the face-punch warnings, buddy pushes his chips across the line for a third time.

The whole scenario being a matter of principal, it was at this moment Dirksen felt he should kick it up a notch.

After informing buddy one more time he's not all in, Dirksen grabs buddy's chips and throws them on the floor. Looking the guy in the eyes, he yells:

"I will knife you in the parking lot."

Regardless of the fact that:

A) He had no knife

B) It was an obviously drunken rage-induced threat

C) O'Sheas doesn't have a parking lot

The passion and persistence (or outright lunacy) of his argument pays off as buddy agrees to fold.

As you can imagine, casino security isn't too fond of players issuing death threats on the casino floor. The floorman and a couple of security guards ask Dirksen to leave the property after his 6-3 offsuit loses the pot.

Always funny

As the Toto Turns

Evil Genius

Lance had someone leak that Andy Schleck might sign for his new team, but that Frank is not invited because he might inhibit his brothers progress.

1. Andy isn't going anywhere since he's contracted through 2010 so the whole thing is a lie at face value.

2. Lance just created, out of thin air, the accusation that somehow Frank is inhibiting Andy's progress...despite the fact that Andy seems to have progress quite well with his brother around him his entire life. This will now be a question that both brothers will be asked over and over and over again, proving to be a distraction.

3. The Saxo Bank team in general will be questioning Andy committment to the team and wondering if there's some truth to the rumor, undermining the teams strength.

Additionally, after Lance spend the entire Tour screwing with Contador, offering him little to no help, turning most of the team against him, and having no unified plan from day one.....Lance Twitters that Contador isn't a team player and is disrespecting the team.....the TEAM mind you, that Lance has already left, the team who's thunder he stole during the tour by having his new team announcement, and the team who's logo's he arranged to have faded.

- he pulled a Karl Rove, just take the thing that you're most guilty of...then accuse your opponent of it. Unreal.

The good news is that no ammount of evil manipulation is going to change the fact that WADA is going to keep testing Lance over and over and over, that he's going to have to ride clean, and that he's going to keep getting the results that he got this year......and there's nothing that eats that bastard up more than being an also-ran.

bye bye love

At the time that Alberto Contador and Astana are supposed to be taking advantage of the publicity and value in winning the biggest bike race in the world, Lance steals the spotlight by redirecting all of that attention to an announcement that he is starting a new team.

Lance is the kind of girl who would wear white to someone else's wedding.

But today will be a day of reconning. Expect to see Contador helping Frank Schleck or Kloden move into third place, and watch Lance get bumped off the podium.

Plus there's no way that Lance can climb the Vonteaux quickly with Bob Roll's giant retarded head up his ass.

or so I've heard

Being in a race with half fitness is like being in a strip club without any singles.

Have we learned nothing ?

There is a disconnect between the way that I think and the way that the people who sell cars, houses, and loans think. Unfortunately, that disconnect triggers the need for me to punch someone in the face so quickly that its never afforded me enough time to work past it.

Previous attempts to purchase such items have resulted in me walking out of closings, insulting people, and in one instance threats of physical violence.

I think the problem is that most people walk into the office with the mentality, " I can afford $xxx.xx per month, what can I buy", and so that's the only position from which the lenders/sellers are used to working.

So I ask questions like, " How much is that car ?" and they reply, " How much are you looking to pay a month", then I flip out.

Recently I've been attempting to refinance my mortgage to no avail.

I have one mortgage with 7 years left on it, and a second, much smaller mortgage, with something like 20 years on it. What I'd like to do is combine those two loans into one loan. The questions I have are rather simple;

1) What's the rate I can get on a fixed mortgage for a 10 year term

2) If I accept that rate, what the comparison between what I'll pay over that 10 year year ( total money paid) versus what I'm going to pay under my current arrangement. NOT EACH MONTH....TOTAL !

3) If a lower rate is offered by me paying a point or two, what does paying the point save me over the length of the loan ?

See I don't see how any of that is difficult.

I can provide the ammts and terms of the loan I currently have.
I have excellent/perfect credit
I meet all the wage and home equity requirements.

You don't need my social security number.
You don't need to know how much I'm willing to pay.
You don't need how much money I have in the bank or where or I work or any other personal information.

If the information you provide looks like its a good deal for me, then we can go through all that stuff...just give me the numbers.

WHY WONT YOU GIVE ME THE NUMBERS !?

super pissed

I'm totally fired up.

I took a half day today to take my son to his golf tournament and the little shit just mailed it in.

No effort.

On his final shot he putted it in the hole without even taking the flag out, which (and he knows this) is a two stroke penalty.

I was seriously contemplating drowning him in the pond right there, but another father talked me out of it. He didn't disagree with the idea in general, but thought that there were far too many people around for me to possibly get away with it.

Goddamn I'm pissed.

what the hell is going on ?

Can anyone explain yesterdays stage to me ?

Saxo were driving it into the climb. That much I get. They have the best climbers and they think that by making it hard and positioning their guys, that they'll have the best chance of taking advantage of a climb that wasn't really all that hard on its own.

But when Saxo absolutely drilling it, why would Milram come to the front ? And what the hell was Liquigas doing. Neither of those guys have a dominent climber. And if someone is already doing the race, why contribute ? The reponsibility of doing the work was on Astana, Saxo, or maybe even Ag2R. And neither team really did much of anything except get their jerseys on TV for the 3 minutes they were pulling anyway. Maybe that was the point.

Then the attacks started and things got really weird. COntador attacked, and Armstrong !!! pulled him back. The when Contador and A. Schleck got away it was (first) Kloden and Armstrong leading the chasing group behind. And eventually F. Schleck attacked and effectively helped two other riders close the gap to his brother. With Garmin, Liquigas and Columbia riders all in that group, why the hell would the two teams with guys up the road initiate the action ? Baffling !!!

Then after the stage Armstrong, who might be in better position for the overall than before, conceeds the race. If Contador crashes, gets sick or has a bad day, Armstrong is poised to win this thing and is already starting to pack his bags.

Oh yeah, can yesterdays stage finally end this nonsense about Evans being a grand tour contender ? I mean really.

The angry wife

You know how you can have a disagreement with a buddy, but then you patch it up and all is forgotten...EXCEPT...while your buddy has gotten over it, his wife still gives you the cold shoulder whenever she sees you and wont let it go ?

That's what I think of whenever I see Frankie Andreu interview Levi "the garden gnome" Leipheimer.

I just found out that Leipheimer dropped out of the Tour last night. Big deal.

He's perhaps the worst bike driver out there, falling over in straight aways, finding himself out of position in the splits, and generally getting in the way.

He hasn't produced a result in any race of significance pretty much ever, and the limited result he has had have come about as a result of him following wheels and never taking the inititative ( the coverted Tour of California excluded of course).

Bye Levi, don't let the door hit you in your bruised and road rashed ass.

Radio Gaga

typo

Typos worse than usual yesterday due to typing under duress.

Yes kids are here. The boy also won his age group for the mini-golf...twice...and beat me the one time. I haven't heard the end of it since. I'm considering drowning him, but he swims etter than me too.

4th of July at the Jersey shore is like Christmas for North Jersey drunks. After a quiet week almost alone, it started yesterday...Guidofest 2009 "Fuhgetabadit!"

Its kinda weird, all the chicks are super hot and all the dudes are superbuff, like life down here is one giant Abacrombie commercial...right up until someone opens their mouth, then is sounds like a Mid-West high school production of West Side Story.

" Hey Tony, whadafuck choose dewin tanide ?" - And that was one of the chicks !

It kinda reminds me of the old karate films where the voiceovers dont match the mouths.

Anyway, Happy 4th to you. Pitch a horseshoe for me and try not to burn off any hair grilling.

limited access

Seems like the only way I can get online is if I stand in the middle of the road with the laptop in one hand and a wire coat hanger with a ball of aluminum foil on the end in the other hand. And its tough to type when you're dodging cars and looking like a junk yard statue of liberty.
Almost one week down and all members of the family still alive, no stiches or broken bones.

Highlights so far.

- I yell at some old lady at the Taj on Monday night. I'm not sure if it was the same old lady that I yelled at two years ago at the Trop, but just in case I ended my tirade with " ..and I thought we covered this the last time I yelled at you at the Trop !". She left 5 hands later.

- Some old Puerto Rican dude tried to hit me with his cane. I honestly have no idea what I did. We were playing 2-4 limit holdem, he made a bet, I folded, then he started screaming and weilding his cane in a quite aggressive way. He was yelling in incoherant Spanish. I odered him a rum and coke which he refused to drink out of spite.

- I won a minature golf tournament, hitting a hole in one in the first playoff hole....against a stoned 16 year old kid. I've been shopping all week for a big gold chain to hand the trophy from for when I go back next week to defend my title. ( and yes I yelled suck it when I sunk the ace to win the match)

- I haven't been drunk yet - and I've exercised every day. I plan on revesing both those trends in about 15 minutes. When I'm nice and hammered I plan on drunk dialing Stick and yelling at him in incherant Spanish.

sunburned head

Alas the perils of thinning ( not balding Mr. H-stick, thinning !), I have sunburn on my head.

Kid golf tourney #2 yesterday. The boy opened with a par, then went double, then bogey and lead the thing after 4 holes.

Then he went 10 - 10 - 5 - 13 to send his chances south and his father into a fit. I found that, given the right circumstances, I am one of "those" Dads. I aint saying I'm proud of it, I'm just taking stock.

All in all he did fine. He improved by 9 strokes and handled himself better than his old man.

I took him out to breakfast this morning and he was having a great time until we opened up the sports section and he saw that his score and placing were in the paper. I distracted him by asking him what states were on the quarters he was holding in change from the newspaper.

"hmmmm", he looked them over, " Utah and Idaho. If you mixed them up that would be Ida-tah"

" Or," I offered without thinking, " Uta-ho". Then he laughed for like 10 straight minutes, catching his breath once in a while and saying,

" You-Da-Ho bawahahahahahah I know what that means bahahhahahah YOU-DA-HO !!!!!"

Man I wish I was 9.

its got a beat and you can dance to it

the latest skuttlebutt

So after Astana made its first deadline, it had to meet another deadline last week and wasn't going to make it.

Lance made arrangements so that when the team folded, he would immediately take over and have the team toe the line at the Tour in Livestrong/Nike outfits.

In the meantime Slipstream/Garmin/Chipolte entered negotiations to hire Contador away from Astana when the team folded, since the switch to Lancestrong/Nike would invalidate Contador's contract.

From reports Vaughters was going to get $2 mill from Hebalife and hire away Contador, the Astana Spaniards Benjamin Noval and Sergio Paulinho, and Contadors mechanic. Then put the best guys from Slipstream behind Contador to kick the crap out of Armstrong.

Armstrong ( allegedly) got wind of the deal and "miraculously" an unnamed American company gave...GAVE...the Kazakstan government enough money to pay their tab, thereby obligating Contador to stay on Astana.

Then Astana named their tour roster which includes all of Armstong's guys

Astana

Six riders confirmed: Lance Armstrong, Alberto Contador, Andreas Klöden, Levi Leipheimer, Yaroslav Popovych and Haimar Zubeldia.

Three riders to be selected from: Jani Brajkovic, Chris Horner, Benjamín Noval, Dmitriy Muravyev, Sergio Paulinho, Gregory Rast and Tomas Vaitkus.

I'd be willing to bet a fair amount of money that 2 the final 3 are Horner and Brajkovic. Then it just comes down to whether they're going to throw Contador a bone with one rider or just bone him completely and add Rast.

If Armstrong shows up for the prologue wearing a Darth Vader helmet, I won't be the least bit surprised.

a contrast in style

My oldest daughter has been sick and was going to sit out of last Thursday's meet. Once she got there, she had a little bit to eat and started feeling a little bit better. She asked if she could swim because she thought she could still place well in a couple of the events and score points for the team, and she didn't want to leave her relay partners a swimmer down.

Reluctantly we let her swim and she went on to win both individual events and her team won the relay. But what really impressed me was that, in addition to wanting to contribute and be a team player, after each of her heats she made sure to shake the hand of each of the competitors, even if she had to find them on the deck to do so. This isn't something that we taught her to do, its just the kind of kid that she is and it makes me incredibly proud.

And then there's the boy.

The boy swam in what can best be described as the remedial heat. The race doesn't count for team points and is used for new swimmers, swimmers with some sort of malady, or in his case, swimmers with a giant sinking head.

Somehow by the grace of god the boy won his heat, out touching a one legged kid in a 25 yard freestyle that took like 3 minutes to complete. When he looked over and saw that the other 4 swimmers were still going and that he had out touched Stumpy, he ripped his goggles off, started doing an end zone dance and let out a war cry " WaaaaHoooo !" He then climbed up on the deck and started doing 'the running man' dance, which sadly IS something I taught him to do.

So two kids*, but only one kids worth of class to go around.


* The youngest girl also swam, finishing first on one heat and last in the other. Both times the reaction was the same...nothing. She'd get out of the pool, find something sugary to eat, and then start eyeing up which dumpster was most attractive set on fire.

transcript

me: so this pumpkin headed weatherman comes into our office all the time

me: and he tries to act like a celebrity and is rude to our matronly receptionist
and she gets all upset and is afriad to say anything to him because she's afriad he'll say something to the bosses and get her fired
so I just told her that she has my permission to do something to him the next time he comes in
just so long as its so out of character for her that no one would believe that she did it
she's such a nice old lady, she couldn't think of anything
so I just told this 62 year old woman that the next time he comes in, that she's to shit in her hand and throw it at him - I'm not quite sure I've ever seen someone so astonished

neo: You're the one who's going to get fired.

me: nah fuck it - if she says anything to anyone I'll just deny is and say she's getting senile

me: who's gonna believe I told an old lady to shit in her own hand

Parenting 301

Takin it to a whole nutha level.

The boy had his first golf tournament on Wednesday. It was an open tournament for 9 and 10 year old boys. For 6 of the holes he averaged under 6 strokes a hole, and that pace of 54 would have put him in the top 3.

Unfortunately for him, golf is not 6 holes long. Its 9 holes long and on the "other" three holes he went 10, 15, and 18. Yeah 18 !!!

The 10 and the 15 were functions of him being in a sand trap, and with little experience in the sand trap, hacking away and taking 5 strokes to get out. Until he gets more experience and we're able to practice more, that's just going to happen.

But the 18 is the one that I think is worth mentioning.

The hole was a long par 4 over water. He hit his third shot just short of the water, in the rough, leaving himself about 100 yards to the hole.

My Dad and I stood on the other side of the water, watching him get ready for his approach shot.

" He's not going to try to hit his hybrid out of that rough is he ?", my Dad asked.

" This is not going to go well.", I replied.

You see, the rules prohibit and talking to the players. NO COACHING.

The boy wound up and PLOP, right into water.

He pull out a ball, dropped it back in the same spot....

PLOP ball #2 in the water.

I was writhing in pain as he dropped another ball, same spot, same club....

PLOP....#3.

He stood there for a second, thought about it and went back to his bag.

Whatever relief I felt was shot lived as he came walking back with a three wood. Instead of realizing that the shape of the club was the problem, he just assumed he needed to hit it 'further'.

Big swing and...

PLOP #4

another ball, another swing

PLOP #5

I stood there in pain, my heart aching for the kid. 5 shots in the water....10 penalty strokes, sitting 13 and he still had to go over the water.

He stood there for a couple of minutes trying to collect himself and assess the situation, when the light bulb went off. It was like in a cartoon and for a second I thought I saw an actual light bulb appear over his head and go off.

He walked back to his bag, grabbed a wedge and easily chipped it over the short side of the water. He chipped on, two-putted, and walked off the green.

As painful as that was to watch, and as difficult as it must have been for him to go through the embarrassment and frustration of that, sitting here with a couple days perspective makes me realize the positive benefits of the entire experience.

Had I been playing with him, and told him to put away the club, that lesson would have only lasted the fleeting moment it has every other time we've played. But having gone through that, the concepts of course management, club selection, and problem solving will stick with him the rest of sporting life. And hopefully the lessons of patience and persistence will translate to other areas outside the course.

For Dad, the experience was just as productive. As difficult as it is to see your kids struggle, sometimes you have to be willing to let them fail on their own accord so that they'll learn to succeed in the same way.

Thursday is tourney #2 and an opportunity for both of us to try again.

addictive personalities need apply

www.wgt.com

that's where I've been

Those Crazy Iranians

I've been watching, fascinated, by the developments of the Iranian elections. Well less fascinated by the elections, but more by the media frenzy and "objective" coverage.

So far I've learned that those Iranians are CA-RAY-ZEEE !

They have controversial elections



The fix elections for their hand picked candidates



People rioting in streets



Police beating the protesters



And these people want nuclear technology ?! They seems like exactly the type of people who would use "the bomb".



Bunch of religous fanatics if you ask me !

God Bless America !!!

The early days of computing

I was just telling someone a story about the first time I really tried getting online. How a buddy and I say there with our Prodigy, AOL, and Compuserve diskettes and dialed in with 2600 baud modem and sat there for like 15 minutes waiting for the first page of graphics to load up. This, of course, was before the world wide web, and pretty much the only thing you could do was post to a bulletin board/forum and send email. As no one we knew had a computer, email wasn't really an option.

But then I remembered that wasn't my first taste of the internet. About two years eariler I was talking to a guy who was telling me about this great thing coming called the internet and tried to explain to me how he could communicate, free of charge, with other college kids all over the country.

I remember telling him he was full of shit and quite possibly on crack...which in retrospect may have actually been true.

" Hang on," he said, " I'll show you" and then he proceeded to type at like 100,000 words per minute.....after a while he said, " here check this out, someone from Berkley is responding"

I walked over to the screen and patiently waited while a file downloaded then displayed, on the screen in full color, the image of a hot blonde getting teabagged.

" Wow" I thought to myself, " this internet thing has some real potential"

If only I had jumped on that train before it left the station.

pete and repeat

wakecoffeeworkrunbikeswimkidsdinnerscotchbed

Socialize...get down....let your sooooouulllllllll lead the way

huh ?

TEHRAN, Iran (AP) - Iranians packed polling stations from boutique-lined streets in north Tehran to conservative bastions in the countryside Friday with a choice that's left the nation divided and on edge: keeping hard-line President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in power or electing a reformist who favors greater freedoms and improved ties with the United States.

What ?! Democracy in Iran ?!?!??!!

I thought they were all crazy arabs screaming about Allah and trying to build a bomb out of sand and camel dung.

The press better better be more careful, they're starting to mix-up their propoganda campaigns.

Oh Greg

I've spent a fair ammt of time on this blog defending Greg Lemond against the evil empire of Lance.

I just listened to this conversation between Stephanie McIlvain and Greg Lemond.

Goddamn Greg. What a whiney, bitter, douche.

I mean, he's right. Lance is dirty. But gawd.

He starts by lying to Stephanie about taping her, which is shitty, then spends the rest of the time whining.

Its an intersting piece in that it explains quite a bit about Lance, about doping, and outs a few big names...but its barely tolerable because of Greg.

Anyway, here's the link again.

Drafted #2

I think Payton was the better pick.


Ryan Leaf is a wanted man in Texas -- and not on the football field.

A warrant was issued for Leaf's arrest on May 20 in Randall County after he failed to turn himself in on drug and burglary charges, The San Diego Union-Tribune reported. On the same day, a county grand jury issued nine charges against him in connection with hydrocodone, a prescription painkiller.

"At one point he said he was going to turn himself in. He hasn't turned himself in yet, and if he gets picked up he's going to be arrested," county prosecutor Lacy Miller said, according to the report. "If he gets picked up out of our jurisdiction, then we will extradite him or use whatever means we have to get him back. Right now he is a wanted individual."

Leaf, 33, had been undergoing drug treatment in British Columbia, Canada, according to the Randall County district attorney's office.

The indictment charged the former San Diego Chargers quarterback and former West Texas A&M quarterbacks coach with one count of burglary to a habitation, seven counts of obtaining a controlled substance by fraud and one count of delivery of a simulated controlled substance.

The indictment alleged Leaf presented an incomplete medical history to several physicians between January 2008 and September 2008 to get or try to get hydrocodone.

Canyon (Texas) police Lt. Dale Davis said Leaf is suspected of breaking into an apartment in Canyon on Oct. 30 and stealing hydrocodone, which had been prescribed to an injured football player.

Leaf could not be reached for comment, and a message left for him at his parents' home was not returned, the Union-Tribune reported.

Leaf, the second overall pick in the 1998 NFL draft, played for the Chargers from 1998 to 2000 and also played for the Dallas Cowboys in 2001. He threw for 3,666 yards and 14 touchdowns in his career.

motivation

Tiger Woods came back after his surjury and won the Arnold Palmer classic. Since then struggled....well struggled for Tiger, by just about anyone elses standards he would have had a career year.

So after knocking off Arnie's tournament, without having another win under his belt, and with the US Open in two weeks, Tiger tee'd it up at Jack Nicholas' tuornament at Jack's home in Ohio.

First up was a charity skins game. The event ended in a tie that required a chip-off for for closest to the pin...against Jack. Jack hit it close, then Tiger, of course, chipped it in.

He shot 74 on Saturday, his worst score since he was like 12 years old, then came back yesterday to shoot 65 and win the thing by one stroke over Furyk.

He's taken Arnie's, he's taken Jacks. Gary Player should be happy that he doesn't have a tournament.

And one year after winning the thing with a broken leg !!! Tiger is back to being the favorite at this years U.S. Open.

you asked for it

I umpired the little league game last night.

My son was up at the top of the 6th and the first pitch was belt high and slightly outside..." STRIKE ! "

The boy stepped out of the box and stuck his arms out with an annoyed shrug, " are you kidding me ?!" The coach was right on him, " don't argue with the umpire...even if he is your dad."

The bottom of the inning he was pitching, and I was umpiring from out at the mound which gave us a chance to catch up. " I can't believe you called that ball a strike, it was outside. "

" It hit the corner." I answered.

" The corner of the batters box maybe", of all the things I've passed on to the boy, the worst thing I've taught him is how to be a sarcastic smart ass.

Three pitches later he threw one on the outside corner of the plate. I allowed for a dramatic pause... " BALL !" I yelled. Then under under my breath, " don't argue wit the ump....especially if he is your Dad."

He swears that the ball he missed, thrown back from the catcher, was entirely an accident.

funny too

Thats from xkcd, A webcomic of romance,sarcasm, math, and language.

And funny funny stuff over at As the ToTo Turns as always.

Cartoon Time

PURE JOY

This series was a two-out, bases loaded, shot to deep centerfield hit that was caught in the most improbable of ways to save the game.

go from 459 to 473 and go ahead and try not to smile, I dare ya.

where'd that week go

Shoe-fly pie and apple butter is stretching the definition of luxury in the phrase luxury box. And hey Barnstormers, you didn't throw me out cause I was leaving already !

You tell me.

0:18 - Armstrong attacking with Sastre on his wheel with the Leipheimer group falling behind

1:33 - You can see Sastre already with the leaders

1:51 - Armstrong out of the saddle clearly attempting to get onto that group and finally makes contact

2:10 - Sastre looks over and sees Armstrong and attacks to group to get rid of him.

2:26 - Armstrong tries to stay with the group and cracks

2:43 - Armstrong looks back as if to be waiting for Levi.

UN-real

If you read the reports, they say Lance dropped back and helped pace Levi up the final climb on Monday's stage. That's NOT TRUE.

If you watched the coverage you would have seen the following

The leaders, including Basso, Deluca, and Menchov were about a hundred meters ahead of a disintegrating field. With Sastre on his wheel Lance attacked out of his group, which included Leipheimer. At some point Sastre countered Lance and got across to the Menchov group solo. Lance kept chasing and 15 seconds or so later got onto the group himself. As soon as Lance got on Sastre made another accelereation and Lance GOT DROPPED.

After he got dropped he looked back to see where the next group on the road was. He then eased up, collected himself, and spent the remainder of the stage pacing Levi.

The problem is that Lance has made it known that if you challenge him or question him, he's going to blackball you. That goes for team directors, riders, race organizers and the press. The writers are so afraid of being lumped in with Kimmage and Walsh, that they'll print anything to put Darth Armstrong in a positive light. Leipheimer, playing the role as the abused wife in denial, is happy to go along offering quotes of "thanks" ?!.

Its really sickening.

last night was great honey

you gotta read these reviews

I'd suggest you scroll and start at the bottom..

Three Wolf Moon T-shirt

When i feel sad or lonely I use the shirt as a pillow case, and snuggle up with Timber, Snake Eyes, and Gus. Thats what I named my Wolves. They are like family. buy one now!!!!! its well worth it. Even if it doesn't have lightening bolts on it.

fluffer

wait for it

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1148879129036&ref=mf

John Gorka sounds like

the Barenaked Ladies. But that's a good thing.

Interesting to see Lance "the messiah" Armstong have another amazing reincarnation the day after a rest day. How does he do it ?!

Oh yeah, that's right.

An instant message between Frankie Andreu (FDREU) and Jonathan Vaughters (Cyclevaughters) the morning of July 26, 2005.

Cyclevaughters: frankie - hey - thanks for talking the other day

FDREU: no problem, where are you

Cyclevaughters: back in CO

FDREU: nice, I just got home, isnt' it like 5AM

Cyclevaughters: sometimes i think i'm going to go nuts

Cyclevaughters: yeah

Cyclevaughters: it's 5am

FDREU: I agree, I came home and the air conditioning is broken

Cyclevaughters: ouch

FDREU: did your kid grow twice it's size in the two weeks you were gone

Cyclevaughters: yeah, his feet look bigger for some eason

FDREU: funny

Cyclevaughters: anyhow, i never can quite figure out why i don't just play along with the lance crowd - i mean shit it would make my life easier, eh? it's not like i never played with hotsauce, eh?

FDREU: I know, but in the end i don't think it comes back to bite you

FDREU: I play along, my wife does not, and Lance hates us both

FDREU: it's a no win situation, you know how he is. Once you leave the team or do soemthing wrong you forever banned

Cyclevaughters: i suppose - you know he tried to hire me back in 2001... he was nice to me... i just couldn't deal with that whole world

FDREU: I did not know that

FDREU: look at why everyone leaves, it's way to controlling

Cyclevaughters: once I went to CA and saw that now all the teams got 25 injections every day

Cyclevaughters: hell, CA was ZERO

FDREU: you mean all the riders

Cyclevaughters: Credit Agricole

FDREU: it's crazy

Cyclevaughters: So, I realized lance was full of shit when he'd say everyone was doing it

FDREU: You may read stuff that i say to radio or press, praising the Tour and lance but it's just playing the game

Cyclevaughters: believe me, as carzy as it sounds - Moreau was on nothing. Hct of 39%

FDREU: when in 2000-2001

Cyclevaughters: so, that's when you start thinking... hell, kevin was telling me that after 2000 Ullrich never raced over 42%--- yeah moreau in 2000-2001

Cyclevaughters: anyhow - whtever

FDREU: After 1999, you know many things changed. lance did not

FDREU: I believe that's part of whey kevin left, he was tired of the stuff

Cyclevaughters: yeah, i could explain the whole way lance dupes everyone

FDREU: what abut GH climbing the mountains better than azevedo and the entire group

Cyclevaughters: from how floyd described it, i know exactly the methos

FDREU: explain that, classics to climber

FDREU: when did you talk with floyd

Cyclevaughters: i don't know - i want to trust George

Cyclevaughters: but the thing is on that team, you think it's normal

Cyclevaughters: or at least i did

FDREU: i guess. anything with blodd is not normal

Cyclevaughters: yeah, it's very complex how the avoid all the controls now, but it's not any new drug or anything, just the resources and planning to pull of a well devised plan

Cyclevaughters: it's why they all got dropped on stage 9 - no refill yet - then on the rest day - boom 800ml of packed cells

FDREU: they have it mastered. good point

Cyclevaughters: they draw the blood right after the dauphine

FDREU: how do they sneak it in, or keep it until needed

FDREU: i'm sure it's not with the truck in the frig

Cyclevaughters: motorcycle - refridgerated panniers

Cyclevaughters: on the rest day

Cyclevaughters: floyd has a photo of the thing

FDREU: crazy! it' just keep going to new levels

Cyclevaughters: yeah, it's complicated, but with enough money you can do it

FDREU: they have enough money. Floyd was so pissed at them this entire tour

Cyclevaughters: anyhow - i just feel sorry for floyd and some of the other guys

Cyclevaughters: why would lance keep doing the shit when he clearly has nothing to prove - it's weird

FDREU: I know. me to. they all get ripped into for no reason

FDREU: he's done now, thank god. but they will prove next year for Johan's sake that they are the greatest

Cyclevaughters: and then lance says " this guy and that guys are pussies"

FDREU: they won't stop

FDREU: I agree


I'm sorry. I punched the kid who told me there was no Santa Claus in the face when I was 8, so I understand.


Anyway, here's Gorka

A call out.....

....to my Lancaster homies.

I'm looking to hire a part time employee. Either a high school/college kid or a retired person looking for a couple of bucks.

The work is as easy as pie. Pretty much you just need to lock and unlock a door. Sad as it is, I haven't been able to find anyone competent enough to do that.

If you read this blog, then you should be able to figure out how to get in touch with me.

i am beat up

whatever little virus I caught is kicking the crap out of me. Everything is sore and I haven't been able to train all week. Two day to go and no refund policy. Fantastic.

be honest

Am I too square to pull THIS off ?

lube

I have a triathlon coming up and a friend lent me his wetsuit with the instructions, " its tight, get some Pam cooking spray or Body Glide for your wrists and ankles".

So yesterday when my wife was heading up to CVS to pick up a presecription I went with her. She went back to the pharmacy while I wandered around.

A college aged employee approached me, " Can I help you find something sir ?"

" Yeah, I'm looking for Body Glide"

" I'm not sure I know what that is."

"Well", I explained, " What I need is something slick, but it can't be Vasoline. It has to be non-petroleum based."

" Hmmm, hang on", then he grabbed a young woman who was stocking shelves, " Hey Lisa, this gentleman is looking for some non-petroleum based lubricants."

She stopped what she was doing, turned around, gave him the once over then gave me the once over. It was then that it occurred to me that this was not as it appeared to be. Before I could say anything she said, " Aisle 3", and the guy started walking off.

Aisle 3 of course was filled with your standard Aisle 3 fare....condoms, birth control tests, and a vast array of lubricants. Our CVS man gestured toward the stack and said, " Here you are, anything in particular your looking for ?"

Thats when unsuspecting wife walked up, " OH hey great you found it ! No, no, no.." she started weeding her way through all the flavored lubes, " No, this is no good, this work work " Out of the corner of my eye I could see the college kid perk up as he watched my wife select her lube of choice.

" Ahhh this will be perfect, exactly what you're looking for !", she said.

That's all I could take. " This is NOT what it looks like !" I tried to explain to the kid, " You see I have this wetsuit...." I implored.

" Whatever you say sir", as he smiled a very smug smile and wandered off with a wave.

I diiiiiii-ed

in Penn Station tonight !!!!!!

http://www.myspace.com/thefelicebrothers

marriage

I heard a bit on NPR this morning interviewing Californians regarding gay marriage.

One gay woman was lamenting the fact that its likely that the gay marriage ban was going to be unheld, but that existing marriages would continue to be recognized. Her main concern was the being stuck in the middle like that was going to, " perhaps make thing a little awkward with other people and make her feel like she was a little different."

Do you think she knows she's a lesbian ?

The whole gay marriage thing always reminds me of Tom Sawyer's friends all fighting over the chance to paint his fence.

BTW, the Church didn't even recognize marriage until 1545 and "the state" didn't start recognizing it until 1753. In both cases, the purpose of getting involved with marriage was soley for generating new taxation. As with most things the whole matter is silly.

My weekend went old skool. I drank a lot, stayed out late, exercised a lot, and determined, finally, that there's no way to hold that pace past 40. Yesterday was a nice retreat to domestic bliss, hanging out with the family, doing some yard work, going for a ride and swim, and pampering Mom. Apparently Big Bad Bill really is Sweet William now.

Oh, and the boy got me twice this weekend. One in two-bounce and once in a chipping contest. He's got the jar right now and its getting kinda full.

dammit

The knucklehead who ran into me at Turkey Hill bent my rear wheel.

Dig it

Amazon just sent me an email offering me Marvin Gaye's Number 1 hits for $5.

$5 ?! Its in the bag.

I mean I gotta be at least $7 funkier for owning even if I never listen to it.

Your helpful hint for today involves planting a tree. If the little instructional tag on the limb* reads "DO NOT REMOVE THE BURLAP SACK" and you remove the burlap sack, then you'll no longer have a tree. You'll have a pile of dirt, and a stick.

*Tip #2 - apparently trees come with little instructional tags on the limbs.

YIKES - the most frumpy asexual person in my office just walked in while I was typing this and grooving to my new downloaded version of "Sexual Healing". She might have to go wash herself in holy water.

Thankfully I resisted the urge to address her has " Hey Baaaaby".

Tour of Italy (TM)

I guess I shouldn't be all that surprised of the Giro's decision to allow Lance Capone to decide who is allowed in the race and who isn't.

I mean we're talking about the Tour's idiot cousin, you know the one that's always asking you to invest in his moronic scam at Thanksgiving dinner.

This is the same event in which Franceso Moser was allowed to have a helicopter provide him a tailwind in the time trial so he beat Fignon.

The same race in which Roche was assaulted because he dare challenge an Italian, Visentini, for the win.

Its an event that adds and cancels staged based on the abilities of the highest placed Italian on any given day.

In short, its the cycling equivalent of preseason football.

Given the fact that the Lance Capone will be at the Tour of California next May, at least I can take some comfort in the fact that the event will continue to slip into oblivion.

living proof

I almost skipped my ride because of the rain - but I didn't.

I almost went too hard for no good reason - but I didn't.

And the first things I did when I got home was to dry off my bike and put newspaper in my shoes.

You see, you can teach an old dog new tricks.

Lance Armstrong is an evil asshole

"It is a media stunt," Zomegnan told Rai Sport. "Chances were given to Simeoni: he was invited to Tirreno-Adriatico, where he was up to 30 minutes behind and did not finish the race, while at Milano-Sanremo he had seven hours to meet Armstrong and clarify the 2004 incident. This is not the way to live together in a civilised manner."

WTF does that mean ?!?!?!?!??!?!

What it means is Simeoni, a clean rider and the reigning Italian national champion was left out of the Tour of Italy because, according to the race director, HE didn't go to Armstong and "clarify" the 2004 incident.

I'm beside myself.

I wont watch one second of the Giro until the race director quits or dies. I'll spend all the time I would have spent following the race sticking pins in my Lance doll and hoping his piece of shit Trek breaks on a descent and he goes over a cliff and snaps one of his legs off.

The buck stops here

Hype, press releases, speculation, twitter, blah blah blah.....

Any time you want the objective cold hard facts, you have to go to a bookie. They have no emotion and they're rarely wrong.

GIRO ODDS to win to show

Basso, I 2.65 1.30
Leipheimer, L 5.50 2.05
Cunego, D 9.00 2.65
Menchov, D 11.00 3.25
Armstrong, L 11.00 3.25



Tour de Frane odds Win (1-3)
Contador Velasco, A 1.80 1.18
Armstrong, L 4.00 1.70
Schleck, A 10.00 2.85
Evans, C 13.00 3.00
Leipheimer, L 20.00 4.75
Valverde, A 20.00 4.75
Menchov, D 22.00

Maybe wearing the polka dot jersey will make up for Lance Romance having to stand one step over to the left. Maybe not.

my apologies to triathletes

When I first moved to Lancaster I met a guy who invited me over to his house to watch the Tour De France as I didn't yet have cable. When I got there I was appalled that the house was in disarray, his kids were running screaming, and at one point his 18 month old son was sitting on the coach next to me shoving his weiner inside into his body then watching it pop back out and giggling madly. As I ran out of there I swore that when I had kids, it would NEVER be like that. This blog is a testament to how nieve I was.

Similarly, for years I've mocked triathletes for not being particularly good cyclists, or for that matter, runners. Sirs...maddams....I apologize. Now I understand.

My weekend started early as I took Friday off. That night ended at a kids birthday party. Imagine if Chuck E Cheese went on a crystal meth bender and moved into a house made of sugar and fire alarms. That's the place my son had his birthday party. So me and my belly full of sweedish meatballs and birthday cake went home and tried to sleep. That didn't work. Finally I went down and snuck one of my wife's sleeping pills. Ahhh the pleasures of modern medicine.

At 6 am the alarm went off and discovered that nothing comes without a price. Not only was I groggy, but I came to find out that my wife's medicine is engineered to protect people from forgetting if they've already taken their medicine. They do this by filling your mouth with the taste of monkey anus ( or at least what I imagine monkey anus tastes like).

So without coffee or breakfast I grabbed my backpack and headed in to the Turkey Hill Country Classic.

The first event for me was the 5 Km run. For 12 years I have been telling people that it was a reatively flat course. I can't believe in a dozen years nobody crossed the finish line then punched me square in the face. Basically the course goes uphill for 3 miles and then downhill for the last couple of hundred yards.

The plan was to try and break 22:30 by running 7:30 miles as steady as I could.

mile 1 - 6:45. I got caught up in the first mile rush, but didn't get too nutty.

mile 2 - was the hardest mile. I got to the 2 mile mark and someone yelled to me 14:15. Oh ok, 14:15 minus the 6:45 I already ran...and I need to run in 22:30 subtracting the 14:15 and carrying the 2...and sure all I need to do is run the last mile in like 725 minutes. Wait, what ?

mile 3 - I was coming down the only downhill portion of the course and trying to NOT crap in my pants. I looked up with about 200 yards to go and saw 21:xx and got excited...yahoo I'm going to beat my goal. Then I realized that the x x was 5 9 when the number flipped over to 22:00. UH-OH. I looked at the clock...looked at the road....looked at the clock....looked at the road....the math wasn't working out too well. I lowered my head and started sprinting.

The result...22:27...and for anyone with a camera, a neat picture of a man dragging a 15 foot long line of snot across a church parking lot.


Second event of the day was the category 4 bike race.

Now I don't profess to ever being a good cyclist, but at the least I was a capable cyclist. In fact about six years ago I got 4th in the cat 3 race at Turkey Hill. So to have to bypass the 3/4 race and the 40+ race to do the category 4 race is eating a big hunk of humble pie. But I have some set goals for this season and in this case that means doing the races where I think I can cover the distance and be competative. Whatever reservations I had about doing the 4 race, I figured I could make up by just winning the 4 race.

Those ideas when right out the window a half mile in.

I was bad. Real bad. I could cruise in the field without a problem, but I had no acceleration at all. Zero. And the only thing worse than being in the cat 4 race is being in the back of the 4 race. After couple of corners, I though that I could make up for the lack of acceleration by leaving a gap and then not breaking in the corners. Unfortunately every time I left a gap, three guys would zip around me, fill the gap, then realize they were going into a corner and slam on their brakes. ( don't get me wrong I don't blame them. If I want to ride with experienced cyclist, I had my chance). Anyway in about 3 turns I found myself sitting on the back of the field and resigning myself to the fact that I was going to be having a very short day.

On the second lap we turned off the river with me in the very back of the field. I sprinted for what seemed to be a very slow eternity and then started the climb. Up we went with me trailing off the back and trying to make my way past the riders getting dropped. On the descent I caught back on. Up the next climb, the same thing....around dropped riders, then caught back on the descent. Finally, I started to come off on the third little roller and BAM. Someone who got dropped was sprinting with his head down trying to catch up and slammed right into the back of me. The guy yelped, flailed around a bit, then fell on top of me and my back wheel.

Thankfully I didn't go down, but it took whatever life I had left. I mean lets face it, I was getting dropped either way, this guy did me a favor and just got it over with. I looked back and he was rolling across the road. I stopped, did a u-turn and went back to see if he was ok. By the time I got to him he had stood up and had picked up his bike. When I got near him he did a rather magestic piroette and hurled his bike into the farm field. I did another U-turn and left him to battle his own demons.

I rode to the finished to suffer the HORD ( humiliatin of riders dropped). I ate a hot dog and ice cream and tried to be greatful for the fact that my mouth no longer tasted like monkey anus.

So anyway....what I learned today is that despite losing weight and getting "fit", I don't seem to be getting particularly any good at anything. Well at least not running or cycling. I can't run enough or do enough intervals to get under a 7 minute mile. I can't ride enough or do enough racing to even finish a cat 4 race.

And the only thing I can say about the swimming is that I haven't drowned...yet.

So I soaked my sorrows in a few beers and a dozen wings and I'll start all over again tomorrow.

on a lighter note

For some reason May is alway extra hectic.

Last night I got home and had less than 5 minutes to get everyone ready, send one kid off to swimming and take two others to a baseball game.

I changed my clothes, grabbed some snacked, shoved everyone in the car and off we went. When we got to the baseball game my younger daughter said, " Dad, I forgot my shoes."

" YOU FORGOT YOUR SHOES ?!?! HOW THE HELL CAN YOU FORGET YOUR..."

Then I looked at the passengers seat and quickly noticed that in my haste to get out of the house I left my shoes right next to her shoes.

" ....errrrr, nevermind."

I called my wife and asked her to bring me sneakers over with her. In the meantime I needed something to wear as I'm one of the coaches and needed to head down to the field to get the boys warmed up. Fortunately my car is a hybrid between a gym locker and a trash dump. I dug around for a while and finally came up with some footwear ( shown below).

I'm not sure if having this pair of sneakers under the seat in my car makes me lucky or unlucky. You be the judge.

The numbers

I've had more comments ( only 7 mind you) about the numbers I posted yesterday than anything since my heyday of daily posting of intestinal distress and hangover stories.

Yesterday was Israel's Memorial Day and I heard that 25,000 Israelis died "defending the homeland" since 1860...which I found to be really odd since there weren't any Israelis until 1948. So anyway I looked up some more current numbers, then surfed around to find some comparative numbers and posted them.

I had originally included Vietnam was and WWII stats as well but I thought that the post would get too convoluted to keep the attention of the bloggeratti. If you're interested those numbers can be easily found.

Someone with the screen name Mike has draw the conclusion that the numbers are somehow bashing the US military. Of course I'm not.

I think the reason I felt compelled to post the numbers is that I was a bit surprised at the disparity and, for me, its another example of the effectiveness of propaganda and the very ego-centric view of America.

I was under the impression that Israel is really getting hammered and has always been getting hammered with missiles and suicide bombers. Granted, any of those deaths by terrorists is an atrocity, and deplorable. But comparatively speaking, they've experienced a third of the deaths that the Palestinians have in the same time frame.

As for 9/11, As a country we suffered 3000 deaths on that terrible day. But we've lost 50% more than that in American lives fighting a war that supposed to prevent/be retribution for losses due to terrorism. That seems like a losing proposition to me.

The number that really jumped out at me was the number of Iraqi civilian deaths. Was struck me there, besides the huge number, was the comparison to American deaths on 9/11. If, as a country, are willing to commit billions of dollars and 5,000 soldiers lives because we lost 3000 civilians in an attack on our soil.....and Israel is willing to kill 3 times as many Palestinians as they've lost as retribution in their conflict...then what is the long term fallout of a nation of Iraqis who have lost 95,000 people as a consequence of our invasion, regardless of who is pulling the trigger ?

And regardless of whether you're watching MSNBC or FOXNEWS and you think that the media has liberal or conservative bias, in reality the US media outlets are really giving you two versions of a very similar story. That story is a very American/Israeli view of the world. That's one where American and Israeli deaths, interests, and political agendas are emphasized and situation and impact to the rest of the world is downplayed substantially.

I suppose, to some degree, that's done everywhere. But that sort of nationalist propaganda was once the mark of the Soviet Union and more currently of China. If, as individuals, we don't recognize those some tactics being applied to us, then we're subject to the same controls and losses of liberty as those two communist powers.

Some would say that with things such as the Patriot Act, the nationalization of the banking and auto industry, and whatever health care related legislation come out of this so called swine flu pandemic, that we've already turned that corner.

Perspective

1484 = Israeli deaths since 1987 in Mideast conflict

2,974 = People killed at 9/11

4957 = US soldiers killed in Iraq/Afghanistan

6500 = Palastinian deaths since 1987 in Mideast conflict

95,000 = CIVILIAN deaths in Iraq since invasion

Durr'd

Fast forward to 2:30



BTW, for all his laughing at 6:30, Negraneau got his own ass kicked for about $400,000 himself later in this session.

fickle

It took exactly one day of good weather for people to turn unappreciative.

For almost 6 months I've been suffering in this cold, dealing with the wind and wearing 5 layers of stuff to go outside an exercise. I don't care if its 99 degrees, anything is better than a 3 hour ride at 22.

But sure enough, I was out in the yard yesterday and someone walked by complaining, " its too hot...I wish it was 70". Yeah well I wish my male pattern baldness didn't have me looking at hair plug ads, but wishing don't make it so. Shaddup, drink a glass of water, and be happy you don't have frostbite.

I sound pretty surley for a guy happy about the weather.

weird true stuff

that might freak you out.

- Alston Chase's book tells of the MK ULTRA experiments in which Theodore Kaczynski is reported to have undergone at Harvard, under the direction of Henry Murray. Chase connects these experiences in a controversial thesis to Kaczynski's later career as the Unabomber.

So a dude undergoes CIA mental experiments and became the Unibomber

Remember John Hinkley Jr who tried to assasinate Reagan ? How about this...

Hinckley is the son of one of George H.W. Bush's political and financial supporters in his 1980 presidential primary campaign against Ronald Reagan; John Hinckley Jr.'s elder brother, Scott Hinckley, and Vice President Bush's son Neil Bush had a dinner appointment scheduled for the next day.

Oh and what did the Hinkley family do for money ?

Scott Hinckley, vice-president of his father's Denver-based firm, Vanderbilt Energy Corporation,

Oil. What a surprise.

You do of course know and remember that GHW Bush was he head of the CIA before running for president.

Remember the guy who investaged Vince Fosters death and Monica Lewinski, Ken Starr ? His uncle was C.V. Starr . C.V. Star helps form form the CIA and he founded a company that you may have heard of in the news recently AIG.

Pat Robertson, the 700 club religous dude...well his father was a US Senator on the Banking Committee with Bush's dad Prescott Bush. Small world eh ?

THIS ONE you're just going to have to click on.

forsaken

My last social outlet is a monthly poker game on the second Monday of each month.

This month I missed it.

That means I haven't had a reasonable, or for that matter unreasonable,conversation with an adult male for more than 5 minutes in length in something like 7 weeks.

If I don't have an inane conversation that includes the words "field", " one more last round", and " waitress's age" within the next 5 days, I'm fairly certain my head will explode.

I'm like the Ultraman of degenerates.

dreams

I've been having weird dreams.

Last week was a mash up between My Cousin Vinnie and the part of the bible when Pilate lets Barabus free. I was the Ralph Macchio character and the dude who played Herman Munster was Pontius Pilate. Unfortunately there were no bedroom scene with Marisa Tomei.

The upside: Entertaining with an Easter theme

The downside: No chance of getting back to sleep after that madness

nyvelocity.com

Wicked funny.

Go to their site and do whatever they have you do to support their efforts.

Quality.

Got that behind me

Did the tri yesterday. Given my recent illness(es) it went better than expected. Swim time spot on, ride time not embarassing, and the run time was ( for me) solid. It was an encouraging start. I've slacked the last 6 weeks and the experience was encouraging enough to make me bear down again for a little while with the training.

The event itself was very well done. The marshals were great, the people running the show did a fantastic job, and it was really nice being able to ride to the race and run, bike, and swim in a familiar setting. I'm a little stiff today, but given last week being a little sore isn't anything I'm not used to.

One thing I noticed. Knowing that she was going to be standing around in her bare feet, everyone woman there had freshly painted toenails. So I suppose that in addition to all the other stuff necessary for triathlon preparation, women have to add "paint toenails" to the list. That seems like a bit of a pain, but their feet did look nice.

Wow, that sounded creepy.

athletic supporters

One time years ago I was in a race (like a real bike race )and one of the better riders on the team was having a problem with his saddle slipping into the frame.

He went to the back of the field and I went with him and we waived up support. After much gesticulating we realize that the support guy was too scared to drive close to the field so we went back.

My rider, " My seat post is slipping I need some allen keys..probably a 5"

The neutral support mechanic, " what ?"

" I need a some allen keys !"

" huh ?"

Meanwhile, this whole time I'm trying to keep us the same distance from the back of the field which is getting increasing difficult because the field was really clipping along.

Frustrated, my guy screamed " ALLEN..... KEYS !!!!!"

Finally the mechanics eyes lit up and he started nodding and giving us the thumbs up. He said something to the driver and they zoomed up ahead of us and quickly pulled over to the side of the road.

As we pulled up along side of them, the mechanic jumped out of the truck and ran to the back and started rooting through the wheels while we stood there befuddled.

My guys said, " What the hell are you doing ?!"

and franticly the mechanic looked up and said, " Hang on, hang on I'm looking....but, I can't find any wheels with the name Allen Keys anywhere."

We got dropped.

shaved and tapered

So far in the last week:

- my bike broke
- I cracked myself in the nose with my handlebars while trying to pull my brake pads off - the wrong direction
- I was bed ridden sick for 36 hours ( btw 'drunk with my own power' i posted last week didn't mean drunk with alcohol..THAT I could have handled...I mean that I trained way too hard and got sick)
- I had vertigo
- I've had massive insomnia averaging 4 hours of sleep a night
- I've run 3 miles on a treadmill and swam 500 yards - total since last thursday
- I haven't ridden at all. I got up this morning and its too foggy
- my diet has consisted almost entirely of pulled pork and slightly stale birthday cake

3 days till race time.

"yeah, I'll try it"

I posted this a couple years ago. It always cheers me up when I'm down.

If you turn up the volume near the end you can hear Miles the whole way to the bottom.

Quality

Walked across the room
In a neon light
Dark pair of shades
Blocking out the night

Smoke ring blowing
White Owl Panatella
There wasn't a thing
That man couldn't sell you

He kept a 45 in a Crown Royal bag
Wiped the fingerprints off
Handed me the rag

top 5

Top 5 things...

not to do when you have vertigo

5. Nod vigerously in the affirmative or negative

4. Swim

3. Get on 30 westbound while traveling south from anywhere

2. Run on a treadmill

1. Demonstrate what vertigo feels like by spinning around in a circle

he takes a lickin

Harry Kalas is dead.

But Abe Vigoda just keep on tickin'

http://www.abevigoda.com/

weirdness

The overall body ache came and went, but has now been replaced by dizziness.

If I sit completely still nothing spins. But seeing as how I'm nauseous, sitting still isn't all that comfortable. The minute I move my head to either size the spinning starts.

No other symptoms beside the spinning.

I'm going to do a little googling and see what I have. Last time I did this I diagnosed myself with early onset menopause.

overcooked

I done went and done it.

I felt the best I felt all year this week and went and got drunk on my own power.

I swam super hard monday and Thursday. I ran hard Tuesday and Thursday. And I rode myself into the ground on Wednesday night feeling fantastic.

Since Friday afternoon I haven't been able to move.

I slept 14 hours yesterday and the only thing in my body that doesn't severely ache is my right kneecap. And that's only because its gone numb.

One week to go till my first triathlon and I've too sore and tired to get up to take a leak.

Fantastic.

I'm sure the 4 hours in the car today will faciliitate my recouperation.

That's 3 liters metric

Yesterday

" Daddy, sometimes when I run really hard my mouth tastes like pennies"

- that's not pennies dear, that's a spoonful of heaven


Today

" How was your ride Daddy"

- fine

" How fast did you go ?"

- about a gallons worth of heaven dear, about a gallons worth

Culture Clash

I was down in Richmond to golf for a few days with a bunch of my Uncles and cousins from New Jersey.


Besides the usual things like broken clubs, temper tantrums, and drunken brawls that you'd expect from such an outting, I was suprised by the mix of cultures when you take 8 guys from Jersey and toss them into the middle of southern hospitality.

First thing was ordering food. Guys from jersey mean to say, " Can I have a burger ?", but it comes out, " Gimme a burger !" Apparently southerns react to perceived rudeness by just walking away. New Jerseyians hate to be ignored. If we had stayed one more day I thing I would have just given up eating all together.

The other thing was the friendliness. Everywhere you walked, people would look you in the eye and say hello. Guys from Jersey assume that a hearty hello is likely to be followed by a shiv to the gut. So as we walked from the putting green to the clubhouse or from the car to the restaurant locals would look up at us and say, " Howdy, how y'all doin ?" and half the guys would immediately check their wallets in their back pockets and the other half would say something along the lines of, " No thanks, we don't want any." or " sorry, I don't have any change."

Other stuff that happened B.L.

Other random stuff that happened "Before Lance" that you may never have known.

Peter Stetina's father and uncle kicked ass. Between the two of them they won some ungodly number of races...then as a joke, they convinced half the mid-west that grape juice had some magical cycling properties.




Mike Neel crashed the 7-11 Team car, narrowly avoided death, but inadvertantly slipped in and out of the different 5 languages he knows for like a year after the crash.

This thing


is called a spoke wrench. It used to be a mandatory piece of equipment on every ride because your wheels would go out of true. Additionally, chains used to break, gears would go out of adjustment, and toe straps ( don't even get me started) would break. I know it all sounds insane. It was. Be very grateful to the Japanese.

Steve Woznik had the mother of all protests

Fitchburg is actually called Fitchburg-Longsjo. Here's why.


This is a bad-ass picture



I'm out golfing for a few days. Have fun.