The Republican Party called me last night and asked me a bunch of questions to get a feel their base.
Lady: Do you think marriage should be between a man and woman.
Me: Umm, I don't think the government should be invovled in marriage at all. Why should I have to consent or acknowledgment of the government if I want to live with someone and have children with them ?
Lady: Um, the choices are yes, no, or undecided.
Me: Hmm, that's all I'm allowed to say ?
Lady: Yes.
Me: Ok then no, marriage should not be between a man and a woman.
Lady: Do you think abortion should be illegal ?
Me: Well all abortion or just some abortion ? And beyond that, should the party be focused on the causes of unwanted...
Lady: Yes, No, or undecided.
Me: Well it sounds like you guys are really trying to get in touch with your base that's for sure. If those are my choices I'm going to go with legalized abortion, you sort it out.
Lady: OK, will you be voting for Rick Santorum.
Me: Probably not.
Lady: Is that a no or a maybe.
Me: Hmmmm, If you're going to press me I going to have to assume that he's still going to be an asshole over then next few months and go with NO.
Lady: Lynn Swann
Me: Are you serious ?
Lady: Joe Pitts
Me: HA !
Lady: Are you sure you're a Republican ?
Me: Are you ?
......................................................
So in order for the PA to get FEMA funding...and so that Presdient Bush looks like less of a douchebag the next time a Katrina hits, all elected and most appointed officials throughout the country have to get special FEMA NIMS training.
What this consists of is people sitting through an all day class learning the neatest new terminology and anamgrams. ICM....ASP....MENA.....blah blah fucking bullshit.
Then at the end you take a 25 question test.
The first batches of people were all failing the stupid test and after seeing the questions I can understand why. The questions are retarded and ambiguous.
So then they let people take the test open book...and failure rate was still high.
Now they've just taken to highlighting the answers on the question sheet...thankfully people started passing the thing.
They're recently made the test available online. That's how I 'took the course'. it's also how I passed the test.
The way I figure it, if I'm smart enough to google " NIMS answer key" then I'm smart enought to dial 911.
And I'm definately smart enough to not fucking live below sea level.
So see, it all works out.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
bedroom talk
I was up last night playing poker and watching a little TV when Mrs. Flick peered down from the stairs, " Hey, how would like like to come on up to bed and lay with me ?"
Now I don't know what your life is like, but with three kids and all the other stuff going on in my life, not having to beg to "lay with my wife" is a home run. Having my wife ask me !!!! to "come up stairs" is like hitting ten grand slams in the world series.
As quickly as possible I shut down the computer, turned off the TV, I zipped around the house locking the doors and windows, checked the stove, brushed my teeth and run up to the room.
Smoothly I slipped into the covers and snuggled up next to my beautiful wife.
She lifted her head and placed it on my shoulder and nuzzled her nose into my neck as I wrapped my arm around her...a true playa...
Then...as I was preparing to lean in and kiss her, she looked up at me with her big green eyes...and she...she.... she burst into tears....
"The boy is starting his first day of school tomorrow...boo hooo...they're growing up soooo fast...boo hooo....thank you for coming up and to lay here with me and make me feel better....boo hooo...you're being so supportive"
errr, you're welcome. Glad I can be or service.
Dammit.
Now I don't know what your life is like, but with three kids and all the other stuff going on in my life, not having to beg to "lay with my wife" is a home run. Having my wife ask me !!!! to "come up stairs" is like hitting ten grand slams in the world series.
As quickly as possible I shut down the computer, turned off the TV, I zipped around the house locking the doors and windows, checked the stove, brushed my teeth and run up to the room.
Smoothly I slipped into the covers and snuggled up next to my beautiful wife.
She lifted her head and placed it on my shoulder and nuzzled her nose into my neck as I wrapped my arm around her...a true playa...
Then...as I was preparing to lean in and kiss her, she looked up at me with her big green eyes...and she...she.... she burst into tears....
"The boy is starting his first day of school tomorrow...boo hooo...they're growing up soooo fast...boo hooo....thank you for coming up and to lay here with me and make me feel better....boo hooo...you're being so supportive"
errr, you're welcome. Glad I can be or service.
Dammit.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Hot Tamale
I talked with a buddy this weekend and he passed along this story..
Steve: I was at a barbeque this weekend and later in the evening I went over to get something to eat and the host told me to be careful with the hot sauce that was out because it was especially hot. Some big 6 foot 2 in , 220 lb black dude was standing there all drunk and said something along the lines of, " That shit's from a grocery store, it can't be hot". The dude then grabbed the bottle and poured it onto his burger like it was catsup...drenching the bun and burger with this sauce.
So the host tells him, " hey man I warned you", but the guy was undeterred and slurred, " I LOVE hot stuff" and started wolfing down the burger.
Well about 30 seconds after finishing the burger the dude went totally white.
Flick: Wait a sec. I thought you said that he's a black guy.
Steve: Yeah, he is....like I said, the motherfucker when white. Then for the next half hour he walked around in a circle sorta like his left leg was 4 inches shorter than his right leg. And he was sweating....bad.
Flick: Holy poop !
Stever: Yeah...then he threw up. And he threw up loudly. Then he passed out and laid there twitching and stuff.
Flick: Holy cow. What did you do.
Steve: What did I do ? Well I thought, " I gotta try me some of this shit !" And I went back over to the table.
Flick: Get the fuck outta here.
Steve: No seriously, I figured if this shit put this dude down, I had to try at least a little bit of it. So I went over and put it on a plate. I grabbed some nacho chips, dipped it in the stuff, sniffed, and gave it a taste.
Flick: Well ?
Steve: The shit was mind blowingly hot. I ate one chip and in the next half hour I drank 13 plastic cups of water.
Flick: ahahahahhahahahah
Steve: Yeah, well that's not the end of it.
Flick: Uh-oh
Steve: Yeah, since I drank all that water I had to take a wizz. So I went into the bathroom and took a piss...but I didn't wash my hands ahead of time.
Flick: Oh no...don't say it...please to say it.
Steve: Well I went to the bathroom, and left, and went back to the party, no problems.
Flick: whew
Steve: Then about ten minutes later it started. First is was a mild itching...then some discomfort...then suddenly my penis was completely on fire.
Flick: What the fuck ?!?! How the fuck does that happen. You didn't stick your finger in your pee hole did you.
Steve: NO MAN !
Flick: Well do you think it rubbed into your underpants and then you were walking around....
Steve: Dude, I'm telling you this shit was like lava. Like habeneros grown in Malaysia or some crazy ass shit. I think the stuff was so nasty that it freakin soaked through my shaft and right down to the urethra. At least that's what that shit felt like !
Flick: What the hell did you do ?
Steve: Well I ran into the dude house and stuck my dick in his sink.
Flick: HIS KITCHEN SINK ?!
Steve: No no no...I went into the bathroom. I didn't want to get my pants and shit wet so I took all that stuff off, then kinda gussied up to the sink. I couldn't quite get it under the faucet, but I could redirect the water enough to get some relief.
Flick: Wait. So you ended up, no pants, no underpants...naked from the waist down...in some dude's bathroom...with your nuts on his porceline and your dick in his sink ?
Steve: This is so going on the blog isn't it.
Flick: Dude, I might have to start a new blog just for this story.
Steve: I was at a barbeque this weekend and later in the evening I went over to get something to eat and the host told me to be careful with the hot sauce that was out because it was especially hot. Some big 6 foot 2 in , 220 lb black dude was standing there all drunk and said something along the lines of, " That shit's from a grocery store, it can't be hot". The dude then grabbed the bottle and poured it onto his burger like it was catsup...drenching the bun and burger with this sauce.
So the host tells him, " hey man I warned you", but the guy was undeterred and slurred, " I LOVE hot stuff" and started wolfing down the burger.
Well about 30 seconds after finishing the burger the dude went totally white.
Flick: Wait a sec. I thought you said that he's a black guy.
Steve: Yeah, he is....like I said, the motherfucker when white. Then for the next half hour he walked around in a circle sorta like his left leg was 4 inches shorter than his right leg. And he was sweating....bad.
Flick: Holy poop !
Stever: Yeah...then he threw up. And he threw up loudly. Then he passed out and laid there twitching and stuff.
Flick: Holy cow. What did you do.
Steve: What did I do ? Well I thought, " I gotta try me some of this shit !" And I went back over to the table.
Flick: Get the fuck outta here.
Steve: No seriously, I figured if this shit put this dude down, I had to try at least a little bit of it. So I went over and put it on a plate. I grabbed some nacho chips, dipped it in the stuff, sniffed, and gave it a taste.
Flick: Well ?
Steve: The shit was mind blowingly hot. I ate one chip and in the next half hour I drank 13 plastic cups of water.
Flick: ahahahahhahahahah
Steve: Yeah, well that's not the end of it.
Flick: Uh-oh
Steve: Yeah, since I drank all that water I had to take a wizz. So I went into the bathroom and took a piss...but I didn't wash my hands ahead of time.
Flick: Oh no...don't say it...please to say it.
Steve: Well I went to the bathroom, and left, and went back to the party, no problems.
Flick: whew
Steve: Then about ten minutes later it started. First is was a mild itching...then some discomfort...then suddenly my penis was completely on fire.
Flick: What the fuck ?!?! How the fuck does that happen. You didn't stick your finger in your pee hole did you.
Steve: NO MAN !
Flick: Well do you think it rubbed into your underpants and then you were walking around....
Steve: Dude, I'm telling you this shit was like lava. Like habeneros grown in Malaysia or some crazy ass shit. I think the stuff was so nasty that it freakin soaked through my shaft and right down to the urethra. At least that's what that shit felt like !
Flick: What the hell did you do ?
Steve: Well I ran into the dude house and stuck my dick in his sink.
Flick: HIS KITCHEN SINK ?!
Steve: No no no...I went into the bathroom. I didn't want to get my pants and shit wet so I took all that stuff off, then kinda gussied up to the sink. I couldn't quite get it under the faucet, but I could redirect the water enough to get some relief.
Flick: Wait. So you ended up, no pants, no underpants...naked from the waist down...in some dude's bathroom...with your nuts on his porceline and your dick in his sink ?
Steve: This is so going on the blog isn't it.
Flick: Dude, I might have to start a new blog just for this story.
Friday, August 25, 2006
diatribe
I don't like to use this blog as a forum for politics or anything else serious, but...
The FCC is threatening to fine CBS and has already fine PBS for two documentaries. The PBS one is interviews with some of the last remaining folks who participated in the invation of Normandy for World War II. The other is a documentary that contains footage shot inside the buildings during the collapse of the World Trade Centers and the comments of the firefighters as the battled that disaster.
In both documentaries the subjects of the interviews use the words SHIT and in the World Trade Center one they use FUCK. Specifically, " The fucking ground was shaking and I knew we better haul ass out of there".
If the stations refuse to bleep and...the is unbelievable....pixalate the mouths of of the people so their lips can't be read...that they are going to get fined up to $365,000 per curse word.
The justification for this, of course, is that this is to protect the children.
Well if you're letting your 5 year old sit around and watch a television program on a bunch of firefighters getting killed in a terrorist attack I don't think that his problem is going to be hearing the word fuck. I think his problem is going to be that his parents are asshole crackheads.
This country is insane.
The FCC is threatening to fine CBS and has already fine PBS for two documentaries. The PBS one is interviews with some of the last remaining folks who participated in the invation of Normandy for World War II. The other is a documentary that contains footage shot inside the buildings during the collapse of the World Trade Centers and the comments of the firefighters as the battled that disaster.
In both documentaries the subjects of the interviews use the words SHIT and in the World Trade Center one they use FUCK. Specifically, " The fucking ground was shaking and I knew we better haul ass out of there".
If the stations refuse to bleep and...the is unbelievable....pixalate the mouths of of the people so their lips can't be read...that they are going to get fined up to $365,000 per curse word.
The justification for this, of course, is that this is to protect the children.
Well if you're letting your 5 year old sit around and watch a television program on a bunch of firefighters getting killed in a terrorist attack I don't think that his problem is going to be hearing the word fuck. I think his problem is going to be that his parents are asshole crackheads.
This country is insane.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
woozy
I was going to write something about seeing Ron in a sun dress lip syncing Sinead O Connor and then trying to get into a bar using his library and blood donor card as ID...but I don't have the clearest of head to tackle that because...
Last night I was up having a nightcap and playing some cards when I heard, what I thought was the pitter-patter of footsteps upstairs. This isn't unusual as one of the kids is always getting up and going to the bathroom.
What was unusual about it this time was that it was less like pitter-patter and more like THUMP THUMP THUMP which meant that it was probably the boy ( aka The Lummox). Also he wasn't walking...he was running full speed. SO this is how is went.
BOOM ! Door flying open.
THUMP THUMP THUMP...the lummox running across the floor
BOOM ! Mrs. Flick's bedroom door opening up.
"ahhhhhhhh !", the Lummox yelling and BOING the boy leaping into bed.
Apparently the boy was having a nightmare and frightened, he ran into our bedroom and lept into our bed screaming.
Well Mrs. Flick was deep into sleep. And what followed next was the most blood curdling scream that I've ever heard in my life...seriously...It was the loudest most terrified yelling ever. I mean the type of shit that you hear in a horror movie that involves a chainsaw.
Three big yelps.
AHHHHHHHHHHHH ! AHHHHHHHHHHH ! AHHHHHHHHHHH !
I ran upstairs to find the boy, scrared, hiding under a pile of covers. Mrs. Flick was sitting upright, eyes as big as saucers and hyperventilating. And the other two kids were running from room to room crying and trying to figure out what was going on.
Needless to say, I didn't get any sleep last night.
Last night I was up having a nightcap and playing some cards when I heard, what I thought was the pitter-patter of footsteps upstairs. This isn't unusual as one of the kids is always getting up and going to the bathroom.
What was unusual about it this time was that it was less like pitter-patter and more like THUMP THUMP THUMP which meant that it was probably the boy ( aka The Lummox). Also he wasn't walking...he was running full speed. SO this is how is went.
BOOM ! Door flying open.
THUMP THUMP THUMP...the lummox running across the floor
BOOM ! Mrs. Flick's bedroom door opening up.
"ahhhhhhhh !", the Lummox yelling and BOING the boy leaping into bed.
Apparently the boy was having a nightmare and frightened, he ran into our bedroom and lept into our bed screaming.
Well Mrs. Flick was deep into sleep. And what followed next was the most blood curdling scream that I've ever heard in my life...seriously...It was the loudest most terrified yelling ever. I mean the type of shit that you hear in a horror movie that involves a chainsaw.
Three big yelps.
AHHHHHHHHHHHH ! AHHHHHHHHHHH ! AHHHHHHHHHHH !
I ran upstairs to find the boy, scrared, hiding under a pile of covers. Mrs. Flick was sitting upright, eyes as big as saucers and hyperventilating. And the other two kids were running from room to room crying and trying to figure out what was going on.
Needless to say, I didn't get any sleep last night.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Pink Taco
This is great stuff
Pink Taco's owners make bid to name Cards stadium
Louie Villalobos
The Arizona Republic
Aug. 21, 2006 02:55 PM
First, they shook up the Scottsdale establishment. Now the family behind the Pink Taco restaurant chain is rattling the Arizona Cardinals' cage.
Would you believe Pink Taco Stadium? That's what the Morton family, famous for creating the Hard Rock Café and Morton's Steakhouse, is saying they want to name Cardinals Stadium.
They are offering $30 million for 10 years as evidence of their commitment and are promising to pursue an agreement with the Arizona Cardinals.
One problem. The Cardinals, who control the stadium's naming rights, said they want no part of that name.
That's funny, I'm spent most of my life wanting every part of that name.
Pink Taco's owners make bid to name Cards stadium
Louie Villalobos
The Arizona Republic
Aug. 21, 2006 02:55 PM
First, they shook up the Scottsdale establishment. Now the family behind the Pink Taco restaurant chain is rattling the Arizona Cardinals' cage.
Would you believe Pink Taco Stadium? That's what the Morton family, famous for creating the Hard Rock Café and Morton's Steakhouse, is saying they want to name Cardinals Stadium.
They are offering $30 million for 10 years as evidence of their commitment and are promising to pursue an agreement with the Arizona Cardinals.
One problem. The Cardinals, who control the stadium's naming rights, said they want no part of that name.
That's funny, I'm spent most of my life wanting every part of that name.
Monday, August 21, 2006
he's gonna blow
After getting pounded like Kevin Fedderdine in county lockup on Thursday's poker game I was in dire straights. I needed to make some cash.
So Friday I sat, uninterrupted, with the last of my money and played 3 tables at once. With total concentration I hammered all three tables. I took notes on every player, I watched every hand, and I worked the numbers/position/and players for about an hour and a half with the greatest focus I've ever committed to the game. In the end I doubled my buy-in and was back in it. Woo-Hoo !!!!
When I stood up from the computer my head was reeling. I hadn't realized how deep I went and the act of such concentration was having a negative physical and mental effect on me. I was a tad disoriented, I had a slight headache, and was having a real hard time concentrating. I need to lie down and maybe have a drink.
Thats when Mrs. Flick informed me that I would be taking my 8 year old daughter and 5 of her friends bowling.
For the next 2 1/2 hours I endured shrieking, squeeling, crashing pins, and bright lights.
Barely conscious, I stumbled home...pounded 3 beers in succession and collapsed in a heap.
I slept for like 10 hours and awoke still groggy and out of focus. I walked downstairs to hear, " oh good, you're up. The girls are about ready you better get dressed."
Get dressed !?!?!
Yeah, you're taking the girls roller skating.
FUCK ME. Have any of you been to a roller skating rink in the last 5 years ? It's like having to go sit inside of a giant slot machine or like riding on a merry-go-round that just freebased and 8-ball of coke.
Anyway, I survived it...barely. But I'm starting to think that Mrs. Flick is trying to kill me..or at least drive me insane.
BTW, I rode both weekend days, which puts my weight at 203.5.
And yes, the dog is still alive.
So Friday I sat, uninterrupted, with the last of my money and played 3 tables at once. With total concentration I hammered all three tables. I took notes on every player, I watched every hand, and I worked the numbers/position/and players for about an hour and a half with the greatest focus I've ever committed to the game. In the end I doubled my buy-in and was back in it. Woo-Hoo !!!!
When I stood up from the computer my head was reeling. I hadn't realized how deep I went and the act of such concentration was having a negative physical and mental effect on me. I was a tad disoriented, I had a slight headache, and was having a real hard time concentrating. I need to lie down and maybe have a drink.
Thats when Mrs. Flick informed me that I would be taking my 8 year old daughter and 5 of her friends bowling.
For the next 2 1/2 hours I endured shrieking, squeeling, crashing pins, and bright lights.
Barely conscious, I stumbled home...pounded 3 beers in succession and collapsed in a heap.
I slept for like 10 hours and awoke still groggy and out of focus. I walked downstairs to hear, " oh good, you're up. The girls are about ready you better get dressed."
Get dressed !?!?!
Yeah, you're taking the girls roller skating.
FUCK ME. Have any of you been to a roller skating rink in the last 5 years ? It's like having to go sit inside of a giant slot machine or like riding on a merry-go-round that just freebased and 8-ball of coke.
Anyway, I survived it...barely. But I'm starting to think that Mrs. Flick is trying to kill me..or at least drive me insane.
BTW, I rode both weekend days, which puts my weight at 203.5.
And yes, the dog is still alive.
Friday, August 18, 2006
top ten bullshit lines
Top ten lines that let you know you're dealing with some real bullshit.
Please feel to add to the list:
10. A study was conducted that shows...
9. If you sign today I am able to offer you...
8. If it saves one life, then isn't it worth it ? alt: ..it's for the children..
7. Could you use more money and free free time ?
6. All I'm saying is....
5. Today, the White House office issued this statement...
4. Have you accepted Jesus as your personal savior ?
3. I can assure you this is not a sales call, this is a marketing research call.
2. Hello this is Comcast...all our lines are busy..please hold the line.
1. You have a second ? I only have ONE question....
Please feel to add to the list:
10. A study was conducted that shows...
9. If you sign today I am able to offer you...
8. If it saves one life, then isn't it worth it ? alt: ..it's for the children..
7. Could you use more money and free free time ?
6. All I'm saying is....
5. Today, the White House office issued this statement...
4. Have you accepted Jesus as your personal savior ?
3. I can assure you this is not a sales call, this is a marketing research call.
2. Hello this is Comcast...all our lines are busy..please hold the line.
1. You have a second ? I only have ONE question....
Thursday, August 17, 2006
oh my aching head
The logic behind " If I don't eat, then I can use those calories to drink beer" may not have been as solid as i though.
No Mrs. Flick last night as she went to pick up the boy from Grandma Flicks house. So after I put the girls to bed I lined up a handfull of Miller Lites and entered myself in to a rather expensive HORSE tournament. 85 guys...top 9 win. I was between 2nd and 10th for the first one hour and fourty minutes. Then some moron tripped and fell into a card and knocked me down to 35th. And pretty much that's all she wrote.
Another Miller Lite and I'd teach them !
I entered a second tourney...albiet a much cheaper one.. and pounded those knuckleheads. Ended up second...feeling like a real winner...until I noticed that it was 1 am and I was surrounded my a sea of empty cans.
5 am rolled around fast with the evil dog of filth panting and begging to go out. I put her and all her parasitic fungus out the front door and tried to figure out which way was up. As I stood there scratching my head and ass at the same time, she walked around the lawn, sniffed at a bunch of spots, then decided she didn't have to go. We walked back in the house, she trotted over to the middle of the living room floor and pissed herself a nice big puddle.
From 5:00 to 5:12 was spend drunkenly running around my house screaming and throwing shit trying to catch the fucking dog. I almost had her until I cracked my shin on the ottaman.
5:12 - 5:15 was spent sitting on the ottaman speaking in tongues.
5:15 - 5:25 was spent cleaning up dog piss...then I stumbled back upstairs and collapsed in a heap.
My next realization of consiousness was at 8:15 which sounds great except for me having to be at work at 8:00 and the kids over to the sitters.
From 8:15 - 9:00 was spent dressing the youngest girl in an outfit that would squarely fit in the male category of " that'll work" which is the famale category of " OMG how could you let her leave the house like that "....and yelling at Hot Gril to stop combing her hair. Maybe I'm crazy but I happen to think that the ratio 40 minutes of hair combing to 5 minutes of getting dress is excessive for an 8 year old girl. If I haven't mentioned it already...by the time she turns 13 I may have to institutional myself.
Anyway...tossed the girls into the car...over to the sitters...then off to work.
And here I sit.
Coffee....I implore you...coffee ...
No Mrs. Flick last night as she went to pick up the boy from Grandma Flicks house. So after I put the girls to bed I lined up a handfull of Miller Lites and entered myself in to a rather expensive HORSE tournament. 85 guys...top 9 win. I was between 2nd and 10th for the first one hour and fourty minutes. Then some moron tripped and fell into a card and knocked me down to 35th. And pretty much that's all she wrote.
Another Miller Lite and I'd teach them !
I entered a second tourney...albiet a much cheaper one.. and pounded those knuckleheads. Ended up second...feeling like a real winner...until I noticed that it was 1 am and I was surrounded my a sea of empty cans.
5 am rolled around fast with the evil dog of filth panting and begging to go out. I put her and all her parasitic fungus out the front door and tried to figure out which way was up. As I stood there scratching my head and ass at the same time, she walked around the lawn, sniffed at a bunch of spots, then decided she didn't have to go. We walked back in the house, she trotted over to the middle of the living room floor and pissed herself a nice big puddle.
From 5:00 to 5:12 was spend drunkenly running around my house screaming and throwing shit trying to catch the fucking dog. I almost had her until I cracked my shin on the ottaman.
5:12 - 5:15 was spent sitting on the ottaman speaking in tongues.
5:15 - 5:25 was spent cleaning up dog piss...then I stumbled back upstairs and collapsed in a heap.
My next realization of consiousness was at 8:15 which sounds great except for me having to be at work at 8:00 and the kids over to the sitters.
From 8:15 - 9:00 was spent dressing the youngest girl in an outfit that would squarely fit in the male category of " that'll work" which is the famale category of " OMG how could you let her leave the house like that "....and yelling at Hot Gril to stop combing her hair. Maybe I'm crazy but I happen to think that the ratio 40 minutes of hair combing to 5 minutes of getting dress is excessive for an 8 year old girl. If I haven't mentioned it already...by the time she turns 13 I may have to institutional myself.
Anyway...tossed the girls into the car...over to the sitters...then off to work.
And here I sit.
Coffee....I implore you...coffee ...
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Happy Birthday - Aug 16th
www.flicklives.blogspot.com is one year old on Wed Aug 16th!!!!
I don't want to get too gayly introspective, but this process of me writing stuff down and you reading stuff...er...down(?)... has been fun.
I am, as we like to refer to in the medical community, a walking nutjob. The bad news is that I vacillate between arrogance and insecurity, pomposity and humility, confidence and total fear. The good news is I run the gambit of all that stuff only two or three times during the day.
Being able to express some of that in the written form has been much more constuctive than...say...chasing a hillbilly around his pick-up trying to rape him with a bike pump....or whatever else used to occur...allegedly.
In any case, I enjoy writing the crazy stuff that goes on in my head down, and frankly was surprised and amused that some of you enjoyed reading it.
I should also note that, while I know people are reading stuff, actually running into them live...and having them bring the blog up in conversation....is startlingly awkward. I write this stuff with a veil of anonimity that I find liberating, but I've been finding out that the veil is a bit thinner that I initially thought. It's a bit like having to stand in front of someone in your bathing suit...well maybe not like that if you're hot...but if you're a bit pale and dumpy and have a hairy ass like I do...then it's a lot like standing in front of people in a bathing suit. And after you rant and expose some personal stuff...like, for instance, having filled your underpants with a fart gone wrong....then it sort of becomes like having to stand in front of a crowd in your wife's bathing suit.
But anyway that's my issue to work out and is just another log onto the bonfire of neurosis really. In the end this has been fun, thanks for coming by, and I hope to keep doing ridiculous shit to embarass myself, for both our pleasure.
And to all your Arabs...stop googling my daughter...it's Hot Girl NOT Hot Gril...the "I" goes before the "R".
Thank you.
I don't want to get too gayly introspective, but this process of me writing stuff down and you reading stuff...er...down(?)... has been fun.
I am, as we like to refer to in the medical community, a walking nutjob. The bad news is that I vacillate between arrogance and insecurity, pomposity and humility, confidence and total fear. The good news is I run the gambit of all that stuff only two or three times during the day.
Being able to express some of that in the written form has been much more constuctive than...say...chasing a hillbilly around his pick-up trying to rape him with a bike pump....or whatever else used to occur...allegedly.
In any case, I enjoy writing the crazy stuff that goes on in my head down, and frankly was surprised and amused that some of you enjoyed reading it.
I should also note that, while I know people are reading stuff, actually running into them live...and having them bring the blog up in conversation....is startlingly awkward. I write this stuff with a veil of anonimity that I find liberating, but I've been finding out that the veil is a bit thinner that I initially thought. It's a bit like having to stand in front of someone in your bathing suit...well maybe not like that if you're hot...but if you're a bit pale and dumpy and have a hairy ass like I do...then it's a lot like standing in front of people in a bathing suit. And after you rant and expose some personal stuff...like, for instance, having filled your underpants with a fart gone wrong....then it sort of becomes like having to stand in front of a crowd in your wife's bathing suit.
But anyway that's my issue to work out and is just another log onto the bonfire of neurosis really. In the end this has been fun, thanks for coming by, and I hope to keep doing ridiculous shit to embarass myself, for both our pleasure.
And to all your Arabs...stop googling my daughter...it's Hot Girl NOT Hot Gril...the "I" goes before the "R".
Thank you.
Tuesday
Someone told me this morning, " You're a funny dude when your angry"
We'll then that makes me Jerry Fucking Lewis this morning.
Last night Mrs. Flick blew a car tire 5 miles from home. I drove out to help her, got the spare out, risked life and limb on the side of the highway...and....no jack. Someone took the jack out of the car. Fucking fantastic. So I sent her home and waited for AAA and had to sit there while the dude changed my tire like I was a 16 year old schoolgirl.
Soooooooo....I had no car this morning because the temp spare on the car and decided to ride my bike in. Since I'm such a fat ass lately, my bike tires are low from not being used. Of course I can't pump them up because my kids took a dime sized nut off of my floor pump and probably ate it or shoved it up the dogs ass or something...point is I had to try and pump my bike up this morning with a hand pump. After about 1000 pumps and scraping my knuckles 30 billion times I had about 40 lbs of air in the tires. I figured I'd get to work and take the thing over to the bike shop at lunch.
That was a great fucking plan, right up until I hit the rock about 3 miles into my ride.
I spent the next 45 minutes sitting at the local convenience store waiting for a ride listening to contractors solve the worlds problems while huddled around the trash can in front of the store. There's nothing quite like convenience store trash can philosophy.
abhja'ghaoiwehrtqoiehwabiegaoiewhrtoqihba3orihgaoehbirhgoiqrhgoireotihoiaer !
Ok, hopefully that got most of it out of my system.
I made it to the final 10 last night at pub poker. Then I made the mistake of trying to actually play poker. Once we got to the final 10 I thought the play would be decent. It was not.
I just got done showing 4 hands for winners....AA, full house, JJ, and a straight. So when I raised and then re-raised I though that perhaps I'd get a little respect. Unfortunately the guy I was playing against had a pair of 7s !!!!! And there's no way he was going to lay down those SEVENS !!!! That's the poker equivalent of betting on the Vikings as a three touchdown underdog because...you know...purple is your favorite color.
I have a theory that after a million years of evolution squirrels evolved a complex dodging system where they confuse their predators by zigging one way and making thier tail zag the other way. While that serves them well against shit like bobcats, foxes, and hawks....that shit is no so condusive to a middle aged mother of two driving to the grocery store. While Mom is zigging to AVOID the squirrel...the squirrel is ziggin right under the tires. I suppose another billion years of suburbia will evolve us some pretty predictable retarded squirrels.
In any event, last night I ran right under the tires.
I'll leave you with the best quote from last night:
Player 1 " I have Aces with a Jack kicker"
Player 2 " I have the Aces too but with an Eight kicker"
Old bastard player : " WELL MY DAUGHTER CAN SHOVE HER 7 4 UP HER ASS !"
Apparently 7 4 used to be his daughters favorite hand.
We'll then that makes me Jerry Fucking Lewis this morning.
Last night Mrs. Flick blew a car tire 5 miles from home. I drove out to help her, got the spare out, risked life and limb on the side of the highway...and....no jack. Someone took the jack out of the car. Fucking fantastic. So I sent her home and waited for AAA and had to sit there while the dude changed my tire like I was a 16 year old schoolgirl.
Soooooooo....I had no car this morning because the temp spare on the car and decided to ride my bike in. Since I'm such a fat ass lately, my bike tires are low from not being used. Of course I can't pump them up because my kids took a dime sized nut off of my floor pump and probably ate it or shoved it up the dogs ass or something...point is I had to try and pump my bike up this morning with a hand pump. After about 1000 pumps and scraping my knuckles 30 billion times I had about 40 lbs of air in the tires. I figured I'd get to work and take the thing over to the bike shop at lunch.
That was a great fucking plan, right up until I hit the rock about 3 miles into my ride.
I spent the next 45 minutes sitting at the local convenience store waiting for a ride listening to contractors solve the worlds problems while huddled around the trash can in front of the store. There's nothing quite like convenience store trash can philosophy.
abhja'ghaoiwehrtqoiehwabiegaoiewhrtoqihba3orihgaoehbirhgoiqrhgoireotihoiaer !
Ok, hopefully that got most of it out of my system.
I made it to the final 10 last night at pub poker. Then I made the mistake of trying to actually play poker. Once we got to the final 10 I thought the play would be decent. It was not.
I just got done showing 4 hands for winners....AA, full house, JJ, and a straight. So when I raised and then re-raised I though that perhaps I'd get a little respect. Unfortunately the guy I was playing against had a pair of 7s !!!!! And there's no way he was going to lay down those SEVENS !!!! That's the poker equivalent of betting on the Vikings as a three touchdown underdog because...you know...purple is your favorite color.
I have a theory that after a million years of evolution squirrels evolved a complex dodging system where they confuse their predators by zigging one way and making thier tail zag the other way. While that serves them well against shit like bobcats, foxes, and hawks....that shit is no so condusive to a middle aged mother of two driving to the grocery store. While Mom is zigging to AVOID the squirrel...the squirrel is ziggin right under the tires. I suppose another billion years of suburbia will evolve us some pretty predictable retarded squirrels.
In any event, last night I ran right under the tires.
I'll leave you with the best quote from last night:
Player 1 " I have Aces with a Jack kicker"
Player 2 " I have the Aces too but with an Eight kicker"
Old bastard player : " WELL MY DAUGHTER CAN SHOVE HER 7 4 UP HER ASS !"
Apparently 7 4 used to be his daughters favorite hand.
Monday, August 14, 2006
and another thing
The first guy to have a TV channel that's entirely Japaneese Game Shows is going to make a boat load of money.
http://www.chilloutzone.de/files/06073002.html
Took the Flick family to the local amusement park last Friday and a few things occurred to me. Why aren't the sellers of double wide trailers and generic cigarettes the sponsors on the rides. They're really missing some direct marketing opportunities. Dentures too...you could probably move a lot of those.
So as we left the park and took the tram into the vast wasteland of minvans that is a parking lot. I had a strong idea of where the car was, but with every other vehicle looking exactly like mine it was going to take me a second to find exactly where it was at. Mrs. Flick had the bright suggestion of hitting the panic button on the key rings and then walking toward the sound of the car. That would have worked if the parking lot wasn't filled with other nitwits doing the same thing. Just a bunch of over-stressed fathers wandering around the parking lot following the sound of carm alarms.
Add Jack Daniels to the list. He could sponsor the parking lot tram.
As I was wandering around the lot, I looked back to see my family sort of following me. Not right behind me, but maybe 30 feet back. I politely said, " wait here...i'll get the car and come to you." I went another aisle over and there they were again, " please just wait here I'll be right back.".....one aisle later, I go against my better judgement and look back....there they are..." I'd really prefer it if the kids dont get run over by a car, so when I asked that you please stay where you are I sort of...well...kinda meant that you DON'T MOVE....perhaps I was a bit ambiguous."
Of course the response was, " you don't have to be an asshole about it."
But you know what....I really did.
As you might have well asertained, Mrs. Flick doesn't read the blog....I'm much braver online.
What I actually said was, " I'm sorry"
The other thing that I'm having a problem with is that I've recently been accused of being anti-social. The most recent accusation is from a friend who showed up to a function with her 21 year old daughter. First of all the daughter is hot. Secondly, she was wearing a low cut top exposing her big breateses, no bra as best I could tell, and she kept bending down to talk to my kids. Recognizing that there was NO WAY I could stand there without looking down her top....AND...recognizing that there was no way to look down her top without getting caught be everyone there...I exchanged plesantries and walked away. So I'm not anti-social as much as i recogize my limitations. It's important for a man to recognize his limitations, it prevents him from getting kicked in the balls.
Of course when questioned later by Mrs. Flick, I coudn't very well fess up. Luckily I have a history of rudeness to fall back on as an alibi.
I suppose I never really thought about it, but if push comes to shove I suppose I'd take rude bastard over horn-dog....or balless horn-dog anyway.
Three posts in one day, eh ? That's how it happens some time.
http://www.chilloutzone.de/files/06073002.html
Took the Flick family to the local amusement park last Friday and a few things occurred to me. Why aren't the sellers of double wide trailers and generic cigarettes the sponsors on the rides. They're really missing some direct marketing opportunities. Dentures too...you could probably move a lot of those.
So as we left the park and took the tram into the vast wasteland of minvans that is a parking lot. I had a strong idea of where the car was, but with every other vehicle looking exactly like mine it was going to take me a second to find exactly where it was at. Mrs. Flick had the bright suggestion of hitting the panic button on the key rings and then walking toward the sound of the car. That would have worked if the parking lot wasn't filled with other nitwits doing the same thing. Just a bunch of over-stressed fathers wandering around the parking lot following the sound of carm alarms.
Add Jack Daniels to the list. He could sponsor the parking lot tram.
As I was wandering around the lot, I looked back to see my family sort of following me. Not right behind me, but maybe 30 feet back. I politely said, " wait here...i'll get the car and come to you." I went another aisle over and there they were again, " please just wait here I'll be right back.".....one aisle later, I go against my better judgement and look back....there they are..." I'd really prefer it if the kids dont get run over by a car, so when I asked that you please stay where you are I sort of...well...kinda meant that you DON'T MOVE....perhaps I was a bit ambiguous."
Of course the response was, " you don't have to be an asshole about it."
But you know what....I really did.
As you might have well asertained, Mrs. Flick doesn't read the blog....I'm much braver online.
What I actually said was, " I'm sorry"
The other thing that I'm having a problem with is that I've recently been accused of being anti-social. The most recent accusation is from a friend who showed up to a function with her 21 year old daughter. First of all the daughter is hot. Secondly, she was wearing a low cut top exposing her big breateses, no bra as best I could tell, and she kept bending down to talk to my kids. Recognizing that there was NO WAY I could stand there without looking down her top....AND...recognizing that there was no way to look down her top without getting caught be everyone there...I exchanged plesantries and walked away. So I'm not anti-social as much as i recogize my limitations. It's important for a man to recognize his limitations, it prevents him from getting kicked in the balls.
Of course when questioned later by Mrs. Flick, I coudn't very well fess up. Luckily I have a history of rudeness to fall back on as an alibi.
I suppose I never really thought about it, but if push comes to shove I suppose I'd take rude bastard over horn-dog....or balless horn-dog anyway.
Three posts in one day, eh ? That's how it happens some time.
best line I've heard today
" Guys who say they go to the track because they love horses are full of crap. Saying you go to the track because you love the horses is like saying that you go to a strip club because you love the music"
That's some funny stuff.
Horse betting in a bad bad thing. Now I love gambling...I mean I have a problem with it...but I'm no horse gambler.It's the difference between being a beer drunk and a whiskey drunk.
My grandmother used to take me to the track when I was a lad. The first time I went I saw a guy lose a trifecta at a harness race because the jockey was obviously pulling back on the reigns. The dude went over the rail, had to be restrained, and was arrested. I've since been told that's a regular occurrance, but that kind of spoiled my appetite for the whole thing.
When i was in Ireland I went to one of the betting shops they have on every corner and decided to trow a couple of dollars down on a horse just for kicks. After all those years, maybe I'd have aquired a taste for the ponies. As they were getting ready to start the race, my horse tossed the jockey and broke his arm.
So I don't like the track...for the horses or otherwise.
That's some funny stuff.
Horse betting in a bad bad thing. Now I love gambling...I mean I have a problem with it...but I'm no horse gambler.It's the difference between being a beer drunk and a whiskey drunk.
My grandmother used to take me to the track when I was a lad. The first time I went I saw a guy lose a trifecta at a harness race because the jockey was obviously pulling back on the reigns. The dude went over the rail, had to be restrained, and was arrested. I've since been told that's a regular occurrance, but that kind of spoiled my appetite for the whole thing.
When i was in Ireland I went to one of the betting shops they have on every corner and decided to trow a couple of dollars down on a horse just for kicks. After all those years, maybe I'd have aquired a taste for the ponies. As they were getting ready to start the race, my horse tossed the jockey and broke his arm.
So I don't like the track...for the horses or otherwise.
TGIM
Mrs. Flick woke up yesterday and said, " I HAVE to get something done today", which of course meant that she wanted ME to get something done today.
So I spent the better part of yesterday building furniture out of a box. Fantastic.
I'm pretty sure that all the trouble in Lebenon somehow tracks it's way back to some Leboneese dude having to build furniture with the instructions written by an Israeli. But in the end I got it all down and HotGril gave me a big hug, so it was all worth while.
Other than that I spent the weekend at picnics and parties drinking beer and playing horseshoes. Somehow I found myself in a poker game at one of picnics. It was 5 dudes and two women and neither of the women had played before. Oddly enough the one woman with huge boobs and the low cut top did really well. I mean after the first 15 minutes she only had 20 chips left, but for one reason or another no one could knock her out. The other odd thing was that the cards and chips kept moving further and further away from her so that she'd have to get up and lean over the table to retrieve the items. It was a weird game. I forget who won.
The weight loss isn't going well, I'm going to have to start taking more drastic measures. Whitney Houston got pretty skinny on crack, maybe I'll check into that.
So I spent the better part of yesterday building furniture out of a box. Fantastic.
I'm pretty sure that all the trouble in Lebenon somehow tracks it's way back to some Leboneese dude having to build furniture with the instructions written by an Israeli. But in the end I got it all down and HotGril gave me a big hug, so it was all worth while.
Other than that I spent the weekend at picnics and parties drinking beer and playing horseshoes. Somehow I found myself in a poker game at one of picnics. It was 5 dudes and two women and neither of the women had played before. Oddly enough the one woman with huge boobs and the low cut top did really well. I mean after the first 15 minutes she only had 20 chips left, but for one reason or another no one could knock her out. The other odd thing was that the cards and chips kept moving further and further away from her so that she'd have to get up and lean over the table to retrieve the items. It was a weird game. I forget who won.
The weight loss isn't going well, I'm going to have to start taking more drastic measures. Whitney Houston got pretty skinny on crack, maybe I'll check into that.
Friday, August 11, 2006
206
I weight 206 lbs.
Even writing that is painful.
I've spent most of my life, at least the last 20+ years of it neurotically obsessed about my weight. I was always watching what I ate, worrying about what I ate, and thinking about what I ate and what I was going to eat.
Well I finally go over it...in a big way. Like 20 lbs in the last year way.
I used to always wonder how people got fat. I mean how the hell could someone get fat ? Now I know. The key to getting fat is no giving a shit.
I officially don't give a shit.
Up until this morning.
None of my clothes fit, I'm tired all the time, I gots me a nice ole belly, and mainly I just feel like shit. I HAD TO BUT A NEW FRIGGIN BELT.
Starting today I'm losing 10 lbs between now and Thanksgiving and 15 lbs by the end of the year.
Well maybe not starting today, maybe starting after coffee break because one of the secretaries brought in a cake...but then after that I'm on it...probably.
So strap yourselves in. No drinking usually is good for a couple of near-jail freakouts...I suppose not eating should be good for at least one nervous breakdown.
Oh yeah, and the dog is still alive.
Even writing that is painful.
I've spent most of my life, at least the last 20+ years of it neurotically obsessed about my weight. I was always watching what I ate, worrying about what I ate, and thinking about what I ate and what I was going to eat.
Well I finally go over it...in a big way. Like 20 lbs in the last year way.
I used to always wonder how people got fat. I mean how the hell could someone get fat ? Now I know. The key to getting fat is no giving a shit.
I officially don't give a shit.
Up until this morning.
None of my clothes fit, I'm tired all the time, I gots me a nice ole belly, and mainly I just feel like shit. I HAD TO BUT A NEW FRIGGIN BELT.
Starting today I'm losing 10 lbs between now and Thanksgiving and 15 lbs by the end of the year.
Well maybe not starting today, maybe starting after coffee break because one of the secretaries brought in a cake...but then after that I'm on it...probably.
So strap yourselves in. No drinking usually is good for a couple of near-jail freakouts...I suppose not eating should be good for at least one nervous breakdown.
Oh yeah, and the dog is still alive.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Maurice Clarett
3 hand guns, a rifle, a machette, a bullet proof vest, and a half a bottle of vodka.
He was listening to a CD of rap songs made by prisioners.
And he plays football for a team called the Mahoning Valley Hitmen.
I hope he has a better lawyer than Floyd Landis, 'cause I don't think that the French have anything to do with this one.
And for those playing at home here is the official list
Floyd's Excuses Thus Far:
1. He has naturally high testosterone levels
2. He drank alcohol the night before
3. He received cortisone injections which may have contributed
4. He takes thyroid medication which may have contributed
5. It was a natural occurence in his "organism"
6. He was dehydrated
7. The test is unreliable
8. He unknowingly injested something
9. Lab tampering (an "agenda" of some kind)
He was listening to a CD of rap songs made by prisioners.
And he plays football for a team called the Mahoning Valley Hitmen.
I hope he has a better lawyer than Floyd Landis, 'cause I don't think that the French have anything to do with this one.
And for those playing at home here is the official list
Floyd's Excuses Thus Far:
1. He has naturally high testosterone levels
2. He drank alcohol the night before
3. He received cortisone injections which may have contributed
4. He takes thyroid medication which may have contributed
5. It was a natural occurence in his "organism"
6. He was dehydrated
7. The test is unreliable
8. He unknowingly injested something
9. Lab tampering (an "agenda" of some kind)
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
my aching head
I stayed out a little to late last night and drank about two too many beers.
When I got home I tip toed around doing all the tricks I knew in order to not wake Mrs. Flick up. I was latching the door slowly, I removed my shoes for the hardwood floor, and if you walk on the outside edges of the stairs they wont creak.
When I got to the top of the landing I could see through the moonlight that the bunk beds in the girls room were empty which meant the girls were in our room. Perfect ! I could sleep in there and Mrs. Flick would have no idea what time I came home.
Slowly and silently I crept into the room, disrobed, climbed into the bottom bunk, and sat right on top of a stuffed monkey that my daughter sleeps with. The thing has a sound chip in it...." EEEEEEK ! EEEEEEEK !"
Nothing will scare a man quite like a screaming monkey in a dark room. "Ahhhhhhhhhh!" I yelped and instinctively jumped up...cracking my head on the rails of the bunk above...." dohhhhhh!".
So much for being quiet.
And I don't have a segue, so I'll just jump into this other story...
I was at my buddies place and noticed that you could see from his kitchen window into the bathroom of the house across the street..." Hey man, you can see into their can."
- Yeah, don't look over there.
Why, did you get caught peeping or something ?
- No worse. I came out here one morning to make coffee and I saw the light was on and someone over there was getting ready for work so I kinda slunked in the corner and was watching to see if I could see anything.
nice...and ?
- Well I was shitting my pants, not because I thought that they would see me, but if for some reason my wife came walking out here I really couldn't come up with a good excuse as to why i was standing in the kitchen in the dark. But then again I couldn't NOT look.
I hear you. One live naked chick with worth like a billion internet naked chicks.
- Umm, I suppose that's one way of putting it. But the point is I'm standing here for a while and was about to give up when I saw a shadow moving around.
Yeah !?
- Yeah, well the shower must have fogged up the window cause I really couldn't see much, but then they cracked open the window about 8-10 inches.
YEAH !?
- Well I couldn't exactly see from where I was, but if I got down really low on the floor I could get an angle where I could mostly see through that crack.
NICE ! Live beaver shots are worth like 100 million internet beaver shots.
- Yeah, you're kinda creeping me out with that.
I'M creeping YOU out ??? You're the one laying on his kitchen floor peering through windows.
- Good point. But let me finish. So I honker down here and I can see through the slit and it's pay dirt. Through the crack I can see the sweetest bare naked ass standing at the mirror doing something at the sink.
NICE !!!!!
- Yeah totally. So I like, THIS ROCKS !. And I'm trying to, like, throw some mojo over that way...turn around...turn around...I'm like trying to Mr. Spock mind control that shit....come on turn around...and just like that, all of a sudden, like I'm Kreskin or something, that sweet ass starts to turn around...
GET OUT !
- Yeah, that sweet ass turns ALL the way around......
Yeah !?
- ....and it had a giant penis on the other side ....... It was the dude over getting ready for work, not his wife.
AWWWWW MAN.....I think I'm going to throw up.....why would you even tell me something like that....that's fucked up.
- Hey man, I told you. Don't look over there.
When I got home I tip toed around doing all the tricks I knew in order to not wake Mrs. Flick up. I was latching the door slowly, I removed my shoes for the hardwood floor, and if you walk on the outside edges of the stairs they wont creak.
When I got to the top of the landing I could see through the moonlight that the bunk beds in the girls room were empty which meant the girls were in our room. Perfect ! I could sleep in there and Mrs. Flick would have no idea what time I came home.
Slowly and silently I crept into the room, disrobed, climbed into the bottom bunk, and sat right on top of a stuffed monkey that my daughter sleeps with. The thing has a sound chip in it...." EEEEEEK ! EEEEEEEK !"
Nothing will scare a man quite like a screaming monkey in a dark room. "Ahhhhhhhhhh!" I yelped and instinctively jumped up...cracking my head on the rails of the bunk above...." dohhhhhh!".
So much for being quiet.
And I don't have a segue, so I'll just jump into this other story...
I was at my buddies place and noticed that you could see from his kitchen window into the bathroom of the house across the street..." Hey man, you can see into their can."
- Yeah, don't look over there.
Why, did you get caught peeping or something ?
- No worse. I came out here one morning to make coffee and I saw the light was on and someone over there was getting ready for work so I kinda slunked in the corner and was watching to see if I could see anything.
nice...and ?
- Well I was shitting my pants, not because I thought that they would see me, but if for some reason my wife came walking out here I really couldn't come up with a good excuse as to why i was standing in the kitchen in the dark. But then again I couldn't NOT look.
I hear you. One live naked chick with worth like a billion internet naked chicks.
- Umm, I suppose that's one way of putting it. But the point is I'm standing here for a while and was about to give up when I saw a shadow moving around.
Yeah !?
- Yeah, well the shower must have fogged up the window cause I really couldn't see much, but then they cracked open the window about 8-10 inches.
YEAH !?
- Well I couldn't exactly see from where I was, but if I got down really low on the floor I could get an angle where I could mostly see through that crack.
NICE ! Live beaver shots are worth like 100 million internet beaver shots.
- Yeah, you're kinda creeping me out with that.
I'M creeping YOU out ??? You're the one laying on his kitchen floor peering through windows.
- Good point. But let me finish. So I honker down here and I can see through the slit and it's pay dirt. Through the crack I can see the sweetest bare naked ass standing at the mirror doing something at the sink.
NICE !!!!!
- Yeah totally. So I like, THIS ROCKS !. And I'm trying to, like, throw some mojo over that way...turn around...turn around...I'm like trying to Mr. Spock mind control that shit....come on turn around...and just like that, all of a sudden, like I'm Kreskin or something, that sweet ass starts to turn around...
GET OUT !
- Yeah, that sweet ass turns ALL the way around......
Yeah !?
- ....and it had a giant penis on the other side ....... It was the dude over getting ready for work, not his wife.
AWWWWW MAN.....I think I'm going to throw up.....why would you even tell me something like that....that's fucked up.
- Hey man, I told you. Don't look over there.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
i work for a guy
I work for a guy who thinks that we're all out to get him.
Dealing with him is like playing 20 questions with a 4 year old.
Is is bigger than a bread box ?
Yes.
It's an elephant !
no, it's not an elephant...maybe you want to ask few more questions before you guess
Is it brown ?
No, it's not brown.
Is it an elephant ?
no, it I said it's not an elephant....it's not even an animal
What !?!?!?! This is what I'm talking about. I feel blindsided. This is what I'm talking about. I'm over here thinking elephant...elephant..elephant....and you're telling my that it's not brown and it's bigger than a bread box knowing full well that an elephant is bigger than a bread box and isn't brown. Then out of the blue you tell me that it's not even an animal ! This is outrageous !
but the idea of the game is....
Or maybe you're just trying to throw me off. When you say animal do you mean all mamals only or are you counting birds and fish ?
It's not...jesus...It's a piano...OK. I was thinking of a piano !
A piano ? That's nothing like an elephant. A piano's not even alive. I'm not going to play if you're going to continue to mislead me like this. This is why we need changes around here. This is why you people can't be trusted !
Dealing with him is like playing 20 questions with a 4 year old.
Is is bigger than a bread box ?
Yes.
It's an elephant !
no, it's not an elephant...maybe you want to ask few more questions before you guess
Is it brown ?
No, it's not brown.
Is it an elephant ?
no, it I said it's not an elephant....it's not even an animal
What !?!?!?! This is what I'm talking about. I feel blindsided. This is what I'm talking about. I'm over here thinking elephant...elephant..elephant....and you're telling my that it's not brown and it's bigger than a bread box knowing full well that an elephant is bigger than a bread box and isn't brown. Then out of the blue you tell me that it's not even an animal ! This is outrageous !
but the idea of the game is....
Or maybe you're just trying to throw me off. When you say animal do you mean all mamals only or are you counting birds and fish ?
It's not...jesus...It's a piano...OK. I was thinking of a piano !
A piano ? That's nothing like an elephant. A piano's not even alive. I'm not going to play if you're going to continue to mislead me like this. This is why we need changes around here. This is why you people can't be trusted !
Monday, August 07, 2006
He could tell I was a fan.
I walked into a Turkey Hill on Friday to buy a soda. When I went up to the counter, the guy behind the counter started in on me.
Will this be all ?
Yeah, just the soda.
How are you doing ?
( me, not really paying attention) Fine, how are you.
I'M GREAT !
urmph
Wanna know why ?
huh ?
Ok I'll tell you.....See, I'm a HUGE Muppets fan...well really I'm a fan of anything Jim Henson....Muppets, Seasame Street, all that...but the Muppets are my favorite. So I've been looking for this video for ever and I found it today and I'm really really excited and can't wait 'till it comes in the mail so i can watch it...
I...ah...just really just want to pay for my so-......
It's this awesome Christmas program from the 80's. They showed it once on T.V. and then never showed it again. It's the one where Kermit goes over to Fozzie Bear's house...have you seen it ? Do you know the one I mean ?
really...the soda would be great...if...I...
Well I remember seeing as a kid and it's great. What happens is that Kermit and Fozzie are drinking this hot cider and then they hear this Christmas caroling and when the go out front guess who's there ? Yep, the ENTIRE cast of Seasame Street...well not the people like Maria and stuff...Mr. Hooper was alive then but he wasn't there either...this was just the characters...so you had Big Bird, and Grover, and everyone. And they were singing carols and doing skits. It was one of the few times that they had BOTH cast together.
wow, that's great..can I just leave $2 here and have you....
But that's NOT the BEST part. The best part is that Kermits nephew, you know, the little frog...well he goes down through a hole in the floorboard of the porch...right....and guess what he finds....you're totally not going to believe this...
Fraggle Rock ?
TOTALLY !!!! HOLY SMOKES !!! You've seen this one !?!?!? I could tell by looking at you that you were a fan too. Right ...Fraggle Rock...Seasame Street..AND the Muppets all together. It was the first and only time. I sooooo can't wait for it to come. Do you think they deliver stuff on Saturdays ?
Possibly. Can I pay for my soda now ?
Oh sure. Here you go. Have a nice day.
Will this be all ?
Yeah, just the soda.
How are you doing ?
( me, not really paying attention) Fine, how are you.
I'M GREAT !
urmph
Wanna know why ?
huh ?
Ok I'll tell you.....See, I'm a HUGE Muppets fan...well really I'm a fan of anything Jim Henson....Muppets, Seasame Street, all that...but the Muppets are my favorite. So I've been looking for this video for ever and I found it today and I'm really really excited and can't wait 'till it comes in the mail so i can watch it...
I...ah...just really just want to pay for my so-......
It's this awesome Christmas program from the 80's. They showed it once on T.V. and then never showed it again. It's the one where Kermit goes over to Fozzie Bear's house...have you seen it ? Do you know the one I mean ?
really...the soda would be great...if...I...
Well I remember seeing as a kid and it's great. What happens is that Kermit and Fozzie are drinking this hot cider and then they hear this Christmas caroling and when the go out front guess who's there ? Yep, the ENTIRE cast of Seasame Street...well not the people like Maria and stuff...Mr. Hooper was alive then but he wasn't there either...this was just the characters...so you had Big Bird, and Grover, and everyone. And they were singing carols and doing skits. It was one of the few times that they had BOTH cast together.
wow, that's great..can I just leave $2 here and have you....
But that's NOT the BEST part. The best part is that Kermits nephew, you know, the little frog...well he goes down through a hole in the floorboard of the porch...right....and guess what he finds....you're totally not going to believe this...
Fraggle Rock ?
TOTALLY !!!! HOLY SMOKES !!! You've seen this one !?!?!? I could tell by looking at you that you were a fan too. Right ...Fraggle Rock...Seasame Street..AND the Muppets all together. It was the first and only time. I sooooo can't wait for it to come. Do you think they deliver stuff on Saturdays ?
Possibly. Can I pay for my soda now ?
Oh sure. Here you go. Have a nice day.
Friday, August 04, 2006
outta here
I'm golfing and playing poker non stop from 7 am Friday through Sunday night.
Have a good weekend suckers.
Have a good weekend suckers.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Bike Racing 101
With Floyd Landis' vitory I know a lot of people have taken an interest in bicycle racing.
Well there's no need to run out and buy a bike or put on those ridiculous shorts.
While I was at the training race tonight I figured out a way that you, the every man, can enjoy the experience of bicycle racing without ever having to leave the comforts of your own home.
All you'll need are the following items:
- A full wetsuit ( alternate would be 10 sweatshits, 10 sweatpants)
- A bathing cap or swim cap
- duct tape
- A cocktail straw
- A bathroom with a shower
- A clothes pin
- A pair of 2 3/4 dry wall screws
- A power drill
- A hair dryer
Ok, you begin by closing all the windows and the door in the bathroom and then turning the sink and tub on full blast hot. While the room is working up a good steam we can begin the other preparations.
We'll begin by getting loose. 30 jumping jacks should do the trick.
Now put on the wetsuit ( or sweatpants/shirts).
Another 30 sqart thrusts and put the swim cap on.
Great, with any luck the steam and the calestenics should have you starting to work up a little lather. Under no circumstances should you remove or unzip any clothing. In order to get the full effect you must keep everything tight and neat.
Now well prepare your 'assisted breathing aparatus'....put the closes pin over your nose. Now make a small slice in the tape ( you should be able to use one of the drywall screws for this) and rip off a 8 inch piece of duct tape. Place this swatch over your mouth and insert the straw.
Now were really ready to go.
For the next...say....15 minutes you should alternate between running in place and doing squat thrusts in sets of 100. If you have a small bathroom you may find that the squat thrusts cause you to hit your head repeatedly...this is a bonus.
Just as you start to get light headed grab the drill and drive one drywall screw into each thigh. The should simulate the euphoria of climbing. Sometimes to get the full effect of a longer climb you may need to repeatedly screw and unscrew. Soaking the screws in a table salt and water brine mixture may also help.
And finally, turning the hair drying on high heat and pressing up against your cheeks and nose should simulate the gentle breeze and woosh of air that tops off a spectacular ride like the one I had last night.
Now while this can't ever really capture the essence of a good old fashion Tuesday night bicycle race in August, it should come close enough to give you an appreciation for the dedication of committment of these athletes.
Check in tomorrow when I cover upgrading to the 'A' race..be sure to bring extra screws and a can of gas.
Well there's no need to run out and buy a bike or put on those ridiculous shorts.
While I was at the training race tonight I figured out a way that you, the every man, can enjoy the experience of bicycle racing without ever having to leave the comforts of your own home.
All you'll need are the following items:
- A full wetsuit ( alternate would be 10 sweatshits, 10 sweatpants)
- A bathing cap or swim cap
- duct tape
- A cocktail straw
- A bathroom with a shower
- A clothes pin
- A pair of 2 3/4 dry wall screws
- A power drill
- A hair dryer
Ok, you begin by closing all the windows and the door in the bathroom and then turning the sink and tub on full blast hot. While the room is working up a good steam we can begin the other preparations.
We'll begin by getting loose. 30 jumping jacks should do the trick.
Now put on the wetsuit ( or sweatpants/shirts).
Another 30 sqart thrusts and put the swim cap on.
Great, with any luck the steam and the calestenics should have you starting to work up a little lather. Under no circumstances should you remove or unzip any clothing. In order to get the full effect you must keep everything tight and neat.
Now well prepare your 'assisted breathing aparatus'....put the closes pin over your nose. Now make a small slice in the tape ( you should be able to use one of the drywall screws for this) and rip off a 8 inch piece of duct tape. Place this swatch over your mouth and insert the straw.
Now were really ready to go.
For the next...say....15 minutes you should alternate between running in place and doing squat thrusts in sets of 100. If you have a small bathroom you may find that the squat thrusts cause you to hit your head repeatedly...this is a bonus.
Just as you start to get light headed grab the drill and drive one drywall screw into each thigh. The should simulate the euphoria of climbing. Sometimes to get the full effect of a longer climb you may need to repeatedly screw and unscrew. Soaking the screws in a table salt and water brine mixture may also help.
And finally, turning the hair drying on high heat and pressing up against your cheeks and nose should simulate the gentle breeze and woosh of air that tops off a spectacular ride like the one I had last night.
Now while this can't ever really capture the essence of a good old fashion Tuesday night bicycle race in August, it should come close enough to give you an appreciation for the dedication of committment of these athletes.
Check in tomorrow when I cover upgrading to the 'A' race..be sure to bring extra screws and a can of gas.
you'll hate me
You'll be humming this tune all day, and you'll hate me for it.
http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=3341&nsfwfs=yes
I warned you.
http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=3341&nsfwfs=yes
I warned you.
enough already
Everywhere I go and everyone I see, all they want to do is talk about Floyd Landis.
Forget the tour...Floyd is cockblocking my blog.
All I have to say is that if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then most likely it has an inept doctor that boosted his shot too high.
Nuff said.
The dude across the office is doing it again....
" The building is across the road. So across the road is the property and on the property is the building which is on which the building sits on the property across the road."
It's like working with a retarded Dr. Suess
I'm going to kick him in the balls and in the balls I am going to kick him.
Forget the tour...Floyd is cockblocking my blog.
All I have to say is that if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then most likely it has an inept doctor that boosted his shot too high.
Nuff said.
The dude across the office is doing it again....
" The building is across the road. So across the road is the property and on the property is the building which is on which the building sits on the property across the road."
It's like working with a retarded Dr. Suess
I'm going to kick him in the balls and in the balls I am going to kick him.
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