Bike Racing 101

With Floyd Landis' vitory I know a lot of people have taken an interest in bicycle racing.

Well there's no need to run out and buy a bike or put on those ridiculous shorts.

While I was at the training race tonight I figured out a way that you, the every man, can enjoy the experience of bicycle racing without ever having to leave the comforts of your own home.

All you'll need are the following items:

- A full wetsuit ( alternate would be 10 sweatshits, 10 sweatpants)
- A bathing cap or swim cap
- duct tape
- A cocktail straw
- A bathroom with a shower
- A clothes pin
- A pair of 2 3/4 dry wall screws
- A power drill
- A hair dryer

Ok, you begin by closing all the windows and the door in the bathroom and then turning the sink and tub on full blast hot. While the room is working up a good steam we can begin the other preparations.

We'll begin by getting loose. 30 jumping jacks should do the trick.

Now put on the wetsuit ( or sweatpants/shirts).

Another 30 sqart thrusts and put the swim cap on.

Great, with any luck the steam and the calestenics should have you starting to work up a little lather. Under no circumstances should you remove or unzip any clothing. In order to get the full effect you must keep everything tight and neat.

Now well prepare your 'assisted breathing aparatus'....put the closes pin over your nose. Now make a small slice in the tape ( you should be able to use one of the drywall screws for this) and rip off a 8 inch piece of duct tape. Place this swatch over your mouth and insert the straw.

Now were really ready to go.

For the next...say....15 minutes you should alternate between running in place and doing squat thrusts in sets of 100. If you have a small bathroom you may find that the squat thrusts cause you to hit your head repeatedly...this is a bonus.

Just as you start to get light headed grab the drill and drive one drywall screw into each thigh. The should simulate the euphoria of climbing. Sometimes to get the full effect of a longer climb you may need to repeatedly screw and unscrew. Soaking the screws in a table salt and water brine mixture may also help.

And finally, turning the hair drying on high heat and pressing up against your cheeks and nose should simulate the gentle breeze and woosh of air that tops off a spectacular ride like the one I had last night.

Now while this can't ever really capture the essence of a good old fashion Tuesday night bicycle race in August, it should come close enough to give you an appreciation for the dedication of committment of these athletes.

Check in tomorrow when I cover upgrading to the 'A' race..be sure to bring extra screws and a can of gas.