I'm sorry

I don't want to become a site of just links, but this is particularly funny.

http://www.ejbdotcom.net/content/9676.html

I wonder why Iran is starting to shitting their pants ?

The US now has
* Iraq to the West
* Afghanistan to the East
* Pakistan as an ally
* We control the Persian Gulf
* Bombers in Uzbekistan
* Bombers in Turkey

I think I'd be enriching uranium for energy production too.

Still Funny

the flu

I was informed by my son that when I vomit it sounds just like the toilet flushing.

At least it got him to stop asking me to build his batcave.

Kwanzaa vs Festivus

I tried to find a picture of people actually celebrating Kwanzaa.

Excluding the pictures staged to sell greeting cards and candles the only stuff I could come up with all looked a lot like this:



Exactly.

I was, however, plesantly surprised to find that Festivus continues to develop a following. Festivus pole sales were up as were the number of emergency room visits due to the 'feats of strength'.

For all there is to know about Festivus see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Festivus

And to get your post holiday bargain on festivus poles see: http://www.festivuspoles.com/pages/festivuspoles.htm

Building the Worlds Best Paper Air Plane

http://www.zurqui.com/crinfocus/paper/air-bld3.html
I've tried it and have to admit that it makes a darn good plane.

Next year for Christmas I am going to sell a father's survival kit. Contained in each kit will be
* A tiny phillipshead screw driver small enough to actually fit in that battery slot
* Wire snips to cut all that crap that's holding the toy to the box like some weird japaneese bondage movie....ahhhhh...or so I'm told
* A fifth of scotch (self explanitory)
* An extra screw, for the one that will be inevitably missing

One my slate this week
* Batman's cave. 1 jillion pieces
* Doll House. .5 jillion piece
* Pinball machine. only 26 pieces, but anything that plugs into the wall gets a factor of 10 for the potential for electricution

The guy who is working on our basement is almost done. Would sub-contracting out toy assembly make me a bad father ?

Name that exit

Driving along route #1 and then along the PA Turnpike today I began wondering how each of the exits gets named. At face value it would seem to simple...when you get on route #1N in Langhorne to cross route 95 and can exit North to "PRINCETON" or South to "CENTRAL PHILADELPHIA"....but why not "LAWRENCEVILLE" and " BRISTOL" ? Is the system arbitrary, is it based on population, is it determined after some lobbying by legislators, or maybe the dude who makes the sign has a cousin who lives in that town.

This is even more curious along the Turnpike where exchanges are located between significant cities and landmarks. In some instances exits are listed as one town, ie NORRISTOWN while others might say READING/LANCASTER.

Preliminary research only yielded an explanation of how the interstate highway system is numbered. That in and of itself is an interesting story. You should go to somewhere like

http://www.us-highways.com/bus98.htm

for the full story, but in a nutshell:

US routes are all in the contiguous 48 states and have 1, 2, or 3 digit numbers

Even numbers run east to west; increasing to the south
Principal routes are one or two digits (abbreviated as 2dus) and end in 0: US 10 to US 90
Existing range is US 2 to US 98

Odd numbers run north to south; increasing to the west
Principal routes are one or two digits and end in 1: US 1 to US 101
Existing range is US 1 to US 101

Increments of low-order digits fill in the grid
e.g. US 20, US 22, US 24, ... US 30 - Even Numbered
e.g. US 21, US 23, US 25, ... US 31 - Odd Numbered

Three digit highways, excepting 100 and 101 are for loops or spur routes around cities off the main branches. For instance 295, 195 and 495 all loops around major cities along route 95


While interesting, none of that answers my question of naming rights. To that end I am sending the following letter to the US Department of Highways and PA Turnpike Commission.

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to garner a better understand of how you determine which towns get listed on road signs that indicate an exit.

I have no concern or criticism of any existing sign. In fact I find that whatever system or lack of system is in place seems to work rather well for me. I attend a lot of dog shows with my two Bernice Mountain Dogs and more often than not Ben, Jerry and I have found the name of the town where the show is held to be the very name of the town on the sign where we exit. The streak of that occurring had gotten to 9 shows in a row and I had started to think that perhaps someone at the Department of Transportation was a fan of purebread canines like myself. Then while heading to the Mount Holly Springs Dogapalooza we had to exit at the Carlisle exchange and I realize that the whole thing was just a matter of coincidence ( it is right ?).

In any event, my motivation is pure curiosity. Is there a way that all of this is determined ? Does the State Legislature get invovled, do local authorities get a say, or is the whole thing determined in house ? For instance, "READING" is an exit from the Turnpike, and so is "LACASTER - LEBANON". The curiosity there is that Lancaster is equidistant from both exits. Why did it get the nod at 266.4 but not at 285.5.

And exit 358 is listed as DELAWARE VALLEY when there is in fact no town by that name. The exits there is in Bristol ( home of the Bristol Stomp)....the other oddity there is that your rest stop there is named South Neshaminy and it's no where near Neshaminy. Im not sure why Bristol is getting overlooked. I stopped there one time for lunch while heading to an American Kennel Club convention in Atlantic City and found the town to be very nice ( although the river front park there could do well to establish a dog park).

Anyway, any insight you might be able to provide would be greatly appreciated


In Christ,
B. J. Hoovis
"If you are a host to your guest, be a host to his dog also." -- Russian Proverb

I'll keep you posted as to any response.

forget familiarity

Forget familiarity, it's anonymity that breeds discontent.

You probably will not find a nicer guy than me at a live poker game. Online, however, I have the bad habit of venting my frustrations in a very direct and...some might say...an abusive way. The way I look at it is that each player has the ability to turn any player's chat off. So if people find my banter to be unsettling then they just don't have to listen to me.

Apparently not everyone shares my point of view.

After a particularly obnoxious rant I received notice today that I am having my chat privileges revoked for one month. It's probably for the best.

I'd post the transcript, but even I'm a tad embarrassed about what I wrote. If I was to critique it I'd have to say that it... " Was caustically acerbic and lacking enough creative humor to pass for good natured" in other words I was being an obnoxious dick.

wow

http://www.doubleagent.com/photo.php?i=14766

Sooner or later I'll learn to shaddup

I find myself pretty tired lately.

I'm in a kick where I stay up too late, drink too much coffee, then I'm too tired to exercise. So slowly but surely I'm getting fat, out of shape and exhausted.

All this inspired my wife to make a suggestion the other day.... " You stay up later than anyone else. Why don't you go to bed earlier"

Well I can explain why. From the moment I wake up, my time is taken up by other people. I wake and am immediately pressed into action...either a dog needs taken out, or a kid needs dressed or someone's waffles need to cut into perfect squares. I used to purposely wake up early on Sunday mornings so I could have a cup of coffee and read the newspaper in peace. But the children have superpowers. Under normal circumstances you can't wake them with an atomic bomb, but try and do something...anything...for yourself and they suddenly spring to life and find that they need you for something immediate and pressing. I never got past section B in the Sunday news and eneded that experiment.

Anyway, morning leads into work, which needs so explaination. Then when I come home its activity, dinner, homework, baths, bed...bed again...bed again...yelling to go to bed, crying...then everyone is asleep. Then....and only then...do I have, for the first time all day, a moment to myself.

And she wants me to give that up.

That's like suggesting to a prisoner on death row.... " You look like you might be getting too much sun, how about cutting your hour in the yard to say....40 minutes"...I mean she already took away my congical visits !!!!

HELP WANTED

Editor for online blog needed. Dictate your own hours, work at your own pace.

Pay is one six pack per month.

I'm serious.

When I write this maddness, I do as if I am getting a prostate exam. I'm usually drunk, I do it quickly, then I pretend it never happened. I can never bring myself to go back and read it let alone edit it.

But I've been notified that the errors detract from overall enjoyment of the experience and, at times, confuses the point I'm trying to make.

So if anyone is interest in a free sixpack of beer a month and can read over a sixth grade level ( this includes sixth graders) , please feel free to contact me about the position.

Retail of Two Cities

I took the plunge and went Christmas ( or for those called to action by Jerry Falwell...CHRISTmas) shopping today. It was the first time I've ventured to the mall in about a year and one of the few times I've purchased something NOT on the internet that didn't involve french fries.

OH SNAP ! Otis reading was the first to do "Hard to Handle"...the Black Crows should hang their heads in shame.

What I had failed to realize is that retail in the new millennium isn't just about trading goods and services...it's also about sharing in the personal lives of the fine employees at your local establishment. In three stops I had the fortune to learn:

* That the girl at Starbucks was wearing a $65 pair of pants because they were the only black pants that she had and she was afraid of schmutzing them up. She was, however, wearing a pair of under-armor socks which she was happy enough to show me. My response, "Ummmm...can I have my coffee ?"

* The girl at the wine shop was very tired. She explained to her co-worker, me, and my buddy that ( whisper) " I just found out that I'm pregnant....but shhhh, no one knows." That, naturally lead into the two of them discussing the finer points of morning sickness. Honored and not wanting to sound unappreciative of being part of this Hallmark moment I offered, " Ummmmm...can I have my wine ?"

My most unusual occurrence was reserved for the video store.

* I stepped up to the counter of the video store and two conversations started simultaneously. The first was the guy checking me out. He explained how if I joined some video cult that I not only save on my future purchases ( which will never happen) but that I could save right now on my current purchase. That for $16.95 I could save $20. He followed in a voice that can only be described as " fine print"...the savings comes in the form of a voucher that could be used for the aforementioned future purchase. What amazing is that I was able to retain any of that as there was another conversation going on that the same time between the two other clercks at the counter.

Clerk #1 seems to have some sort of authoritative role...I'm going to guess Assistant Senior Associate or something similarly distinguished. He was late teens or early twenties but grew a full beard to either look older or to make him the coolest guy at the Magic: The Gathering competitions. I'm not sure he accomplished either. For here out we'll refer to him as Brad. Clerk #2 was about 115 lbs and looked about 10 years old. He compensated for his youthful looks with a lip ring, an eyebrow ring, and a giant tattoo. The tattoo was on his bicep, was in technicolor and was either Munch's "The Scream" or possibly Van Gogh's " Starry Night". The difficulty in identifying the art is that with his arm being the size of a drinking straw the picture needed to be "modified from it's original format" as they say on TV and went the full circumference of his arm. We'll call this young lad, Michael...because there's no way he'd go by "Mike".

When I approached the counter Michael mentioned to no one in particular that he was tired and Brad immediately responded with, " Did you eat meat for lunch again ?" and shook his head disapprovingly ( if that's an actual adjective).

Apparently Michael was down with the whole Straight-Edge scene with the black attire, the facial rings, hip video store job and esoteric tattoo. He apparently had not taken the full plunge to swear off meat. To a purist like Brad this was unacceptable. " Dude, your problem is that all the blood is rushing from the rest of your body and into your stomach. It's a regular problem for you carnivores", he continued, his head shaking in full disdain, " You can't be at full energy when you're forcing your body to deal with all that meat and all of those toxin."

Had I not been shell-shocked from moments earlier learning that Kelly was going to be having her boyfriends baby (before her boyfriend even knew !), I would have probably have thought of the appropriate response, which would have been ....

" Hey, do you guys have either 'Bowhunters Gone Wild' or "The Best of Turkey Hunt 2005' ?......no ? Damn ! Cause there's nothing I like more then settling in with some jerky, a six pack of beer and a box of Kleenex, and have a full on drunken masturbation session watching some hunters harvest the beasts that God left for us....ahhh, is there a problem there Mr. PETA.....ahhh, do his eyes always roll like that when he has a seizure ?"

Instead is said, " ummmm..can I have my video ? Thanks..... Merry Chirstmas"

Pilot Program

My father is a pilot who flies to different airports on an irregular schedule. In order to cope with constantly being out of his enviroment, he and his co-pilot have developed a pattern of behavior that creates and atmosphere of stability in an otherwise unstable situation. I think that's pretty cool.

I think this comes naturally to both of them as my father has always been a creature of habit and from what I've come to understand his co-pilot was cut from the same mold.

So they order the same breakfasts and the same dinners. His co always orders a steak, nothing else....no fries, no potatoes, no garnish. Barring a steak, it's a burger on a bun...again no extra. In fact he specifically asks NOTHING ELSE ON THE PLATE. Typically, that shit shows up with everything on the plate.

So for the two of them, this have become a sort of sociological experiment. What words and phrases, what manerisms, gestures, etc will exact the response that they want. Depending on the age, gender, and disposition of the waitperson....what EXACTLY can they say to increase the odds that the steak will come to the table as ordered.

Their latest experiment involves the following.....After leaving the airport, their first stop it to a convenience store to purchase one quart of gatorade ( Dad) and one quart of whole milk ( Co). It's what each of them drinks, and typically the hotel will not have these items available. They've both noticed that no matter what city they are in, no matter what the convenience store chain, that the check out person takes their and and places it over the top of the mouth of the bottle. Now for both of the pilots this is a real issue. They are going to the hotel and intend on drinking directly from the bottle....the drinks aren't going into a fridge or poured into a glass. The last thing they want is some pipply-faced kid rubbing his TB and syphillus stained hands all over the lip of their beverage.

So they've begun to hand the drinks to the clerck in particular ways to ensure that the cleck will handle the object in some alternative way. So far they've had limited luck with the two handed handover and little success with handing the bottle bottom first ( typically, the drink gets placed down and regripped in appropriately).

Obviously, the solution to the problem would be to say to the clerck " when you ring this up, could you please not put your fingers on the lip"...but if they were to go to that level then, in the end, they'd be two guys driving around bored out of their minds.

So I pass this challenge onto you. The next time you're in a store buying a drink, take note as to whether or not the cleck touches the top of your drink and perhaps what you said, how you handed it, time of day, or whatever other variables that you think relevant. Should you see any success, please pass along your suggestions.

Twist and Burn

I'm listening to the Isley Bothers do Twist and Shout. Anyone who's ever covered it should hang their head in shame.

Other recommended hits...Canyon River Mango and Peach Salsa. Think it sounds terrible ? Well you're thinkin all wrong. I just downed the whole jar knowing full well that T is going to be pissed when she goes to get some for lunch tomorrow.

It's so right, I'd do wrong.

I should that into them as a jingle. Maybe they'd use it and send me some free stuff ? I once got drunk and ate a spoonfull of horseradish sauce that was so hot it caused me to have a religous experience. Still drunk and severely weeping I wrote up the whole incident and mailed it to the president of the company. I had forgotten about the whole thing until I got a response from the guy. He mailed me a sampler pack and asked that I never write him again.

I was recounting to someone that I was once so poor that I litterally saved two nickles so that I could never be able to literally say that " I was so poor that I didn't have two nickles to rub together". When I got hungry I would rub the nickles together. I once considered eating them.

So I'm thinking of starting a new trend of when I mean something in the literal sense, to use the adjective "figuratively".

re: " I figuratively slammed my foot in the door".

At the very least it will balance out the misuse of 'literally' and maybe it will fuck up people and prevent them from talking to me anymore.

I got the nutz

We had a friendly family card game at the Christmas party on Saturday night.

My uber-competitive and confident cousin got into a raising war with, of all people, his father...my uncle. With the grace that age brings, my uncle just called on the turn. When the river card fell, my uncle bet only to be raised again. Well enough is enough and my uncle re-raised. This final bet put my cousin all-in. Curiously he raised again and claimed that he'd go into his jacket pocket and was good for the additional dollar.

I looked at the board. There was an ace high flush showing. I looked at Uncle #2 and shrugged.

Uncle #1 called.

My cousin jumped up and tossed down a queen high flush... " HA ! I HAVE THE NUTS !!!!!"

Uncle #2 and I burst you laughing.

" WHAT !??!?!?!....WHAT'S SO FUNNY?!?!?"

Uncle #2 explained, " you don't have the NUTS...you have a flush with a queen kicker"

" Well it's the nuts if he doesn't have the king"

My cousin was out of the room before the king hit the table.

Chuck Norris

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running on ice

I found myself an online discussion about the fastest way to walk across ice. This is my favorite entry:

"If from Alaska and have spent a lot of time doing this.The absolute fastest way (optimal for very slippery but not quite ice-rink) is to run, lifting you feet up high, and making sure to balance as each foot hits. You want to quickly push off at around 5% off verticle (depending on slipperyness), almost jumping. As you go faster, make sure to lift your foot off the ground as fast as possible so it doesnt slide. As with all running, make sure to stay on the balls of your feet. When you are going fast it will look like a series of miny leaps with your knee comming up in front of you each time.This is however pretty dangerous and I wouldnt reccomend it to anyone who doesnt want to look like an ass, has poor balance, or cant risk falling. "

un- holy shit

I took a spin class last night...and it was hard. I promise to no longer make fun of spin class.

2 months of beer, wings, and general inactivity has been stewing in my gizzard...well, right up until last night anyway. I barely made it home and ran up the stairs with my pants around my ankles. I spent the rest of the night laying on the couch ( not that that's unusual).

my favorite recent lines from online poker

" I'm sorry I was so rude earlier."
" My doctor says that when I feel bad about myself I lash out at others."
" But **** him, he's an ***hole"

M: Why didn't you raise
H: Im a bird in the hand kinda guy
M: I bet you are
H: ***hole

M: I think God put my dog here to test me
M: wont it be ironic if I don't get into heaven because I was mean to this retarded dog
H: that wont keep you from heaven, only one thing will keep you from heaven
M: really ? What's that ?
H: not accepting Jesus as your personal savior
M: Jesus ****ing Christ, this is a goddamn poker site
(later)
M: What about the Jews ? Don't they get to heaven
H: I'm blocking your chat jerk
M: whatever
M: anti-semite
(chat blocked)

You're just too good to be true

So I have the oldies station on for a little change of pace and that old song came on " You're guy too good to be true...can't take my eyes off of you" and it occurred to me that (with the exception of the occassional Barry Manilow or Phil Collins who could write a love song about what they had for breakfast) that the dudes who wrote those songs were all jacked up on some chick when they wrote them.

I gotta wonder what life must be like for that dude when the chick eventually dumps him and starts sleeping with his friends...and the song is on the radio being played over and over again....I bet that's got to be a bite in the ass.

Here is a cure for poker addiction http://www.cartoonnetwork.com/games/arcade/miguzi/splashback/index.html

Had 14 guys over for poker over the weekend and broke in my new poker table. Fun night...I lost my shirt. I've lost all sense on how to play limit poker. I can't play with good cards I can't play with bad cards and I definately can't win with marginal cards. So I settled for drinking some beers and having some fun. I suppose you can't go wrong there.

I think I've eaten a dozen eggs in the last 3 days. I can't imagine that's good for you in any way shape or form. Hopefully all the beer will neutralize the effects. Either that or the two will mix and I'll cause a huge hole in the ozone layer.

George will today talks about a Greek form a government whereby a legislator who proposed a new law was put to death if the law was rejected by the people. It got me thinking about a governing system that I had been working on by which you could accuse anyone of being an asshole and after a trial either the asshole or the accused ( or both I suppose) could be put to death. It really had promise until I realize that I might last about 30 seconds under that system and decided to scrap the whole idea.

A guy I work with just walked in and told me the following story " My friend was driving home from hunting and a limb fell of a tree, went through the window of his car, and injured the passenger".......except when recounting the story to me it took 3 minutes and 42 second and he repeated the phrase " through the window" 8 times.

For some reason, people repeating themselves has been bothering me lately. And since I noticed it, I've keep track. I had a guy use the the phrase " quite frankly" 11 times in one day. It might have been more because I went temporarily insane at the 10th time. Quite frankly, I can't stand it when people repeat themselves.

Head splitting fun

I'm decompressing from my week long ( actually 8 days) in Topeka, KS.

It was quite the scene man.

Stories to follow, tune in later in the week.

heads up ? screw you !

I was at a ball game and someone yelled "heads up" when a foul ball went into the crowd. WTF is that ? Heads up is going to get someone smashed in the face. I'm calling for a moratorium on the phrase "heads up" and asking that it be replaced with the phrase " duck motherfucker".

Goddamn Im hungover...but not to hungover to remember how bad that McNabb sucks.

Multiples of 3

So i met a guy online who invited me to play in a poker game that he and his buddies play every Friday. Just in case it was a set up to rape me I brought Ron along.

We met the guy in a parking lot of a McDonalds and he was to lead us over to the game. In hte parking lot I innocently asked how his game online was going. He replied, " Pretty good. I read this article online that talked about how the whole thing is fixed so the poker site can make more money and since then I've been working on a system that's been pretty successful. You see in order to jack up the rake they set up hands for the suckers to win. Whenever you see a straight or flush win on the river what you want to do is count up the next 40 hands. Then between hands 40 and 50, if you get two cards that will make a flush or a straight...or both !... then you want to play that hand all the way to the river."

" So let me get this straight." , I asked, " You're saying that should I happen to get two cards that can make a straight or two cards that can make a flush, anytime in a 10 hand span....that I should play those cards to the river ? "

"Yes"

" and this works for you"

" Well not EVERYTIME. But it works a lot"

"cool" I said, " thanks for the tip. Let's head over"

Ron and I got in the car and before I could back out Ron whispered, " we are going to make sooooo much money"

So we get over the the house and it's 8 guys, all between 20-30, all without a pot to piss in. One of the kids has a house and the downstairs had 3 peices of functioning furniture, a couch, a chair, and a poker table. These guys all chipped in and bought a table, a rack of chips, and one deck of cards. They play every Friday night and often on Saturdays as well.

Ron and I brought a 12 pack and offered these guys some beer. You never saw guys happier to get some free beer. And so we began playing.

I played pretty tight for a while to get a feel for what was going on and these guys seemed to be pretty good...or at least they knew how to deal, and bet in order, and the rules of the game.

About 15 minutes in I got a pair of 10s which I played well to the river with nothing on the board. At the end, the last guy left check raised me. I looked over the board and barring trips or something crazy like a 3 - 6 that cought a small straight on the river, I couldn't see how I could be beaten. I called it down and showed my 10s. The guy flipped over 3 6 offsuit.

" Pardon my ignorance" I pleased, " but I'm a bit new to the game and haven't seen many guys play a 3 -6 offsuit to a pre flop raise...then see it all the way to the river hoping to catch the one card that might win the hand. Perhaps you wouldn't mind walking me through your thought process so that I might be able to pick up some tips to make my game better"

" Oh that !?!?!" the guy across the table interrrupted, " yeah, he always play multiples of 3. I always play multiples of 4. Heck, when we both have Q's it gets crazy because if you think about it Q's are like 12s."

I looked over at Ron and he was so happy I swear to you he was starting to cry.

The best anology I can give is if you went to some island that had never heard of basketball, built a court, game them a ball, explained the basic rules and then left. If you came back in a year, I suppose that the folks there could probably play a pretty neat game that resembled basketball...but they might be doing stuff like having the tallest guy handle the ball since he could see over everybody's head.....or they'd shoot all the freethrows underhand....or passing it hard off the backboard would be a regular play...stuff that, provided that all the players played that way would seem perfectly reasonable...but IT WOULDN"T BE BASKETBALL !

So Ron and i spent the next hour figuring out what it was the hell they were playing. Then the next hour winning back what we had lost and then some. Then they asked if we'd like to move to pot limit.

In the first 5 hands of pot limit, Ron had knocked 2 people out and more than doubled his money. I looked down to see 77 and flopped A 7 3. To make a long story, I got all my money in against a guy with A8 who caught runner 8 and 8 so that his magical full house beat my full house.

As much as it killed me, I got up, left he room, took a piss, flipped out in the bathroom as quietly as possible, came back out with a smile and made sure that I would be invited back every Friday.

By New Years I hope to own the table, the couch, and the chair.

Trick or Treat

In what has become an annual tradition in our neighborhood, all the families get together for pizza before trick or treating. This year we introduced beer (for the parents) into the equation with good results. The trick or treating turned into a bar crawl.

We got about two blocks from my house and I really had to take a leak. With people everywhere and a local fire truck, light ablazin, parked and handing out candy to the kids, there was little opportunity to sneak into the bushes.

Add to that the fact that taking a leak in the bushes might be generally frowned upon by the neighbors AND having your weiner out while little kids are running around the town is a recipe for disaster no matter how legitimate the reason. " I was just taking a piss" doesn't sound believable when it's in print in the local paper.

But I couldn't take it anymore, so I lagged behind everyone else, and casually made my way over near the bushes. In one swift motion, I stepped between two bushes and moved behind them. Well to my surprise, I found out where the neighborhood stormwater culvert is. My step behind the bush turned into my 4 foot fall into the detention basin. I exacted a perfect dive roll back up to my feet and scrambled up the embankment and back into parade. A couple of seconds I heard a voice behind me..." I thought I was going to have to send the firemen in there after you"...apparantly I wasn't the last person in line. Embarassed and slightly scathed I trudged on.

Antoher couple of blocks I couldn't take it anymore. I told T " I really gotta go !". She said that she'd take the kids, that I should run home and to take the video camera with me. I slipped the camera onto hand and started home.

I had to go so badly that I couldn't run...I had to do a fast shuffle/speed walk. I got back onto my street, which was now completely empty of people and started toward my house. It was touch and go as to whether I would make it without pissing my pants. Then I came up to the bushes again. Half out of severe need and half out to prove a point to that bastard bush I decided to piss right there. Carefully and quickly I slipped into the bushes and carefully perched myself on the ledge of the basin. I craned my neck around to look and see if anyone was coming and as quickly as possible, which at this point was easy, unzipped and let it rip. Ahhhhhhhhh. So I'm standing there relieved, looking around for anyone coming and all of a sudden I realize I'm getting wet. SWEET JESUS !

I look down in the pitch dark and realize that the video camera strap is still around my hand. The hand that is holding my johnson. And that I'm pissing all over the camera and it's splashing all over me.

After swearing, zipping up, and trying to dry off, I run all the way back and rejoin everyone.

T asked me to take a video of the kids. I picked up the piss stained camera, aimed it, turned it on. The video screen flickered, flickered again, then a message came up...DANGER DEW DETECTED.

Indeed.

Best lines from the night:

( after my daughter lost her princess crown and the neighbors were helping look for it)
" nevermind, nevermind. Remember Gentlemen....it's not the crown that makes the princess"

and to two teenage girls trick or treating

" Hey, you guys look great...great costumes"
" really ?! thanks ?!"
" Yeah, you look JUST LIKE two kids to old to be out trick or treating"

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

A man's day should NEVER begin with the words " when you get up, can you give me a hand ? The toilet is clogged"

Not even a goddamn GOOD MORNING let alone a kiss on the cheek.

I'm fairly certian that I'm the only one in my house that realizes that you're suppose to take the paper off the toilet roll. I think the rest of them think that that cardboard roll is to stick you fingers in, wipe , then throw the whole roll in the shitter.

The World Series of Poker main event is shown on ESPN on Tuesday nights. I'm sure it will be rerun 1000 times this winter. If you haven't been watching you may want to catch it. It's the best season I've seen to date, there's some great drama. First of all, there's a guy with no arms....yeah, no arms. Last night a dude broke down crying, that was great...you could tell he KNEW that his king high flush was going to get trumped by an Ace high flush..but he could NOT help himself...he HAD to call, then he had a complete emotional meltdown...beautiful TV.

There's also a requisite asshole who screams and yells and jumps around like a monkey. Apparently he must really really stink because the management politely pulled him aside and asked him to watch his hygene. The casino was very subtle and no one knew...right up until the guy started screaming about it. Now if someone tells you that you smell you'd think you'd be a little embarassed....not this guy. He wanted to know where in the rules did it say that he couldn't stink !

About thirty seconds after the was on TV my phone rang. I said hello and heard my Uncle say " WHERE IN THE RULES DOES IT SAY THAT I CAN'T RUB DOGSHIT ALL OVER MY HEAD".

Does that kind of stuff really need to be in the rules ?

Insight from AC

So i was in Atlantic City yesterday. The boardwalk there puts any circus greak show to shame. I saw stuff in a 10 minute walk that you'd be hard pressed to see ( live anyway) in a year anyplace else in the world.

The whole deal made me realize that there are a disproportionate number of crazy people the closer you get to the water. What I figure is the crazy people have a tendency to wander. And they keep wandering until they can't wander anymore. So when you get to the boardwalk you've gotten as far as they can go without getting wet. I bet you if you go to a place like Nebraka you'd find very few crazy homeless people dancing in the street for nickles...and the one's you did see would be just passing through.

DO NOT USE ORBITZ

The long and short is this...I've bought 40 tickets or more from Orbitz. They've been great.

Last January I bought 5 tickets from them and a pop-up come up from them that said " you get a $10 rebate" for my purchase. "Cool!" I thought, that was nice. I filled in the box with my name and address. I was then redirected to another site, a subsidiary of Orbitz, and pitched to sign-up for their services. My $10 was to come in the form of a voucher for this service. No interested, I shut down the browser and went back to other stuff I was doing.

So I found out that I've been getting charged $10 a month since then !!!!!!!

By entering in my name and address into the initial window, Orbitz considers that my concent to participate in this other companies ( actually their company) program.

THEY sent Connections123.com my credit card information !

I've never been to this companies site and never used their service and they've charged me.

And I'm not the only one

http://www.consumeraffairs.com/travel/orbitz_mwi.html

Like bad chicken salad

I have a shirt that I really like. The problem is the last time a wore it I drank myself sick. Now when I look at the shirt I immediately get nauseous. I think I have to throw it away.

Some guy jumped off the I-83 bridge yesterday during rush hour in a successful suicide attempt. The road what shut down and it caused a massive traffic jam and delay. While obviously a sad situation, I did find the whole thing somewhat humorous. You KNOW the guy knew exactly what he was doing. He was going to kill himself and he wanted to fuck over as many people in the process. It's not quite blowing yourself up in a disco, but it's suburbias version of " I'm going out and taking as many people with me as possible. I wonder how many peole just drive around the dudes body and continued their commute before someone finally relented and stopped to manage the situation.

I had my best exchange to date on Poker Star the other day. Someone came into the room we were playing and started begging for money.

FullHouse: Can someone give me 20 cents ? I need 20 cents to enter a tournament.
Me: I'll give you one dollar for a blowjob
FullHouse: I only need 20 cents
Me: Then you'll only need to stick the tip in your mouth
FullHouse leaves Room 117

going out with a bang

http://www.legacy.com/chicagotribune/LegacySubPage2.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonId=15361018



Theodore Roosevelt Heller

Theodore Roosevelt Heller, 88, loving father of Charles (Joann) Heller; dear brother of the late Sonya (the late Jack) Steinberg. Ted was discharged from the U.S. Army during WWII due to service related injuries, and then forced his way back into the Illinois National Guard insisting no one tells him when to serve his country. Graveside services Tuesday 11 a.m. at Waldheim Jewish Cemetery (Ziditshover section), 1700 S. Harlem Ave., Chicago. In lieu of flowers, please send acerbic letters to Republicans. Arrangements by Chicago Jewish Funerals, Douglas MacIsaac, funeral director 847-229-8822, www.cjfinfo.com. Published in the Chicago Tribune on 10/10/2005.
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going out with a bang

We

I'd really like to get behind Penn State. Local team, good program, etc etc....

But I cannot stand the asshole Penn State fans i work with.

WE, WE, WE....... WE won on Saturday, WE'RE passing well......as if the motherfucker was out there snapping the ball and running back kickoffs. Where was all that WE when Penn State sucked ass the last couple of years.

And for cripesakes, unless you know the man personally, unless you've had dinner at his house, please stop referring to "JOE" as if you're banging his sister. "JOE did a great job on Saturday"...shut the fuck up.

So I can understand birds flying. I can understand fish swimming. I can understand animals and insects having legs. Obviously snakes make sense. But why aren't there any animals that roll ? In terms of efficiency, speed and protection an animal that could curl itself up in a ball and roll would kick ass. An armidillo comes close but it curls up only for protection...maybe that's because Texas is so damn flat. Someone should get a shitload of armadillos and take them up to West Virginia let em loose and see what happens after a while. I'm just saying that if you're on a hill and a predator comes along that curling up and rolling downhill is a prettyu quick and effective way of saving your ass.

Inane in the Membrane

While I may have had time to post last week, i definately did not have any mental resources to contribute anything of value. Between the let-down post poker and the pressure of preparing a grant application, I was used up. I spent most of my free time huffing decongestants and staring at reality TV.

So Saturday, the kids had a soccer tournament. Instead of playing the usual game, they had all the kindegarten and first grade teams show up at the same time. Then they would blow an air horn at 8 minute and two minute intervals. The kids would play 8 minute games, then had two minutes to go to a different field before playing another 8 minute game. This continued until they played 5 games over six intervals. Oh yeah, there were something like 50 teams there.

The pandemonium was rather entertaining.

One thing is for sure. The dude who came up with idea has never gone on a Kettle One bender.

like a hockey game

I think I played pretty well. I overplayed a pair of 5's that lost to a pair of kings, but other than that I made really good reads and played tight-aggressive. At one point I hadn't played a hand in about 40 minutes, but I reaped the benefits of that as people respected my bets and raises in marginal situation later. The was one hand I was particularly proud of.

About 3 hours in they brought a new player to our table. At the same time I was about to be the big blind. As the guy( Mr. Orange) sat down I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, that he was counting my chips and the chips of the player to my left ( the small blind). " What the hell is this guy doing counting my chips I wondered ?" The cards were dealt and Orange, second to act, bet out $1000. Now the blinds were 150-300 with $50 antes....so this guy was betting 1000 into a $950 pot in early position....in his first hand at the table. The whole thing smelled funny. I though, if no one else calls this guy down, I'm betting back at him regardless of what two cards I have. In a turn of good fortune I looked down to see KJ offsuit, but it didn't matter. I was going to play back at him regardless and called out "raise to $2000".

Not wanting to show that he just got caught with his pants down, Mr. Orange reluctantly threw another 1000 chip into the pot and prayed that he'd catch something on the flop. Before the dealer even flipped over the flop and spread it out, I called out " bet, $2000", and threw two 1000 chips into the pot. This was half of my remaining stack...tempting Mr. Orange to put me all in....but it wasn't an all-in bet by me. This type of play lets him know that I want him to call...I want more of his money...that I'm not scared of him or the flop.

Mr. Orange was not pleased. He used the old poker trick of asking me " how much do you have left?" Now, at other times, I had fumbled around with my chips and miscounted once or twice...which I always do, as a policy, whether I have a good hand or bad hand. But this guy hadn't seen any of that as it had been his first hand at the table. I knew that if I showed weakness he might play back at me, but if I showed confidence that he'd have no choice but to fold.

One thing I should note at this point is that my table was in a corner and was surrounded on two sides by plexiglass. Behind me was a buddy and two of my uncles and their wives. They had been watching and when I checked my cards they could see what I had. They had to be wondering what the heck I was doing playing back at this guy and then fire out into a flop that was 9 - 8 - 2.

As tension hung in the air I put on the best act I could. I took a bite of my hamburger for effect, washed it down with a drink, then began to count slowly, methodically, and with a confidence voice. " $1000 in 100s.....that's $250 in 25s....another $250 in" Before I got to $1750 he had already mucked his cards..." take it down, it's yours" he conceided.

Before I could reach for the chips I was scared out of my seat by a roar and an excited pounded on the glass. " HOLY SHIT !" the guy next to me yelled, " What the hell is that ?" We turned around to see my uncles with broad smiles on their faces high fiving each other and pounding on the plexiglass.

" Have they been drinking ?" someone asked.

I replied, " you should see them when the STOP drinking"

back to my day job

Well it doesn't look like an early retirement for me yet.

Laster 4.5 hours and played very well. I had one stint where i played one hand for 40 minutes...very patient. That was followed by a nice run where I got cards and I had the respect of the other players due to my previous patience. At the end of that run, I was second at my table in chips and looked down to see AK offsuit. I made a raise and got one caller. The flop was K 8 8 . I figured iff the dude had a pocket eight after my raise, then it was fate and I put the guy all-in. He did and it was. From then on it was just treading water hoping for a run of good luck. I battled well, but eventually the blinds ate me up.

Towards the end of the tourney ( for me anyway) I guy joined our table. He had a huge stack and he looked like hell. At the next break he told me that he had played the previous morning, lasted a while, then busted out. Right as he busted out, there was a super sattalite tourney starting so he joined it for kicks. HE WON IT. He won a $10,000 entry and $12,000 in cash. Trouble was, that ended at 2am. He said that he was so jacked from winning that he couldn't sleep. He was already entered in the $500 tourney so he came downstairs had some breakfast then started playing the game we were in. He was so tired that he couldn't concentrate very well, so whenever he had decent cards he would just bet hard. At worst, he figured, he'd bust out and be able to go to sleep. As it worked out he just kept scaring people off, and when he did get a caller he got lucky. The guy had been awake for 36 hours...and when I left he was looking to have to play another 5 hours of poker, at least. I bet he won.

All the good ideas are taken

Every time I come up with a great idea I find out that I'm about 6 months behind.

When I was a kid I was psyched to come up with the idea that the turn signal should be built so that when you turn the wheel back, it automatically turns off...then I found out that exactly how it's build.

Taking advantage of the female propensity to overreact to anything they see on the news, I came up with the idea of a ready made emergency kit for use in case of a hurricane or whatever. Then I came across this

http://www.areyouprepared.com/4persondeluxebackpack.html

It's so cool, I might have to buy one.

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Chief Sitting Bull

H.H. Kramer used to always play his first game of the night with Charles. Charles was like playing a computer. He never took any risks or did anything fancy. He always kept his pawns connected and if he could trade you pieces, he'd do it in a heartbeat. His style was simple, moderately effective, and methodical to the point of approaching boring. If you played Charles in a game a chess you could count on two things; the game would take at least an hour, and in the end the only pieces on the board would be kings and pawns.

And at face value, that's pretty much how Charles lived his life.

Charles would walk over to club, say a few pleasant simple words, play his games, and go home. We knew he had survived pancreatic cancer, we knew he was married, and we knew, by the occasional t-shirt logo of simple piece of jewelry, that he had an interest in American Indians. Other than that, there wasn't really much more to know....or so we thought.

On night we were out having a couple of beers and ran into a guy. " You guys play chess ? My wife's ex-husband plays chess. His name is Charles, do you know him ?"

Then we heard the story:

Charles was living a normal life... get up, go to work, come home, hang out with his wife, watch a little TV, etc. etc. Then one night he saw a television program on American Indians. Intrigued, he went to the library and got a couple of books. Months later, the local university has a demonstration of local Native American dance. Charles and his wife went and Charles found the dance and dress of the native Americans to be as interesting as their history. At the event they received information about some gatherings ( pow-wows I suppose) on the east coast. Excited, Charles made reservations ( no pun intended) and schedule their next vacation to attend one of the pow-wows. Now Charles' wife was being supportive of his new found interest and attended this pow-wow, but frankly she really wasn't interested. After the trip to the University and to the pow-wow, she felt that she had put her obligatory time in. She told Charles that she supported his interest, but that she really wasn't that interested in American Indians...but that if he wanted to go to the weekend events, he could go on ahead without her. A month later there was a big gathering in Maine and with the blessing of his wife, Charles went off to pursue his hobby.

Sunday night, the door opened and Charles returned home. Accompanying him and his overnight bag was a short middle aged woman. " Honey," he announced, " I have someone I'd like you to meet. This is my Indian wife, Marta, she'll be living with us for now on."

Somehow, Charles had convinced himself that it was perfectly appropriate for him to go up to Maine, to meet a woman, to marry her in an Indian ceremony, to bring her home, and that his wife would understand.

She did not.

I suppose the moral of the story is that people do not always appear to be what they seem. That the mild mannered man sitting across the board from you boring you into a draw very well might be a mild mannered dellusional bigamist.

Boardwalk Woes

I heard on the radio that there's a big push in Ocean City to establish a Bay side boardwalk. My question, naturally, is does Ocean City really need more pizza and dirty sayings on t-shirts ?

I've never been a fan of the boardwalk. The one in AC has the pushcart dudes and they freak me out. There are like 100 of them and they swarm like sea gulls to a french fry every time you leave the boardwalk. I think I've seen two people riding in those things ever. The whole thing has to be some sort of a front.

I had my boy out on his new bike yesterday. He learned to ride without training wheels, both my kids did, last week. But the boy is a little small for the bike and a tad shaky, so we went to practice. He did great. What struck me though, was how freakin happy kids are while riding their bikes. I always see kids zipping around. No going anywhere, just enjoying the feel of spinning around. And they are super happy. Adults should ride bikes more often. Not for fitness or training or anything...just to ride. I bet it would make them happy.

Has anyone seen that Fox dancing show ? I watch it. There I said it. I don't know anything about dancing, but the judges are mental patients. At least one of the cries every week and they all have a chip on their shoulder about their "art" not getting the proper respect. What better yet is to watch them argue among themselves, each touting thier own discipline. Nothing much more entertaining than some old broads arguing with drag queens.

I also watched the INXS thing. At least the last two weeks I did. It sucked. INXS is like 100 years old. Odd thing is that the dude who won can sing and for the final show the band got up and played. THEY ROCKED. The show also had some pretty good rock songs that you rarely hear anymore. Finally, one loser dude did a cover of Bohemian Rhapsody. Covering that takes some balls and he pulled it off..but it made me think about how freaking good that song is and how great that album is. I'm not a music buff, but I'd have to put that up there among the better albums of all time.

Man I'm all over the place. The poker tourney better come soon. I'm now sure how much longer I can ride the manic before the depressive sets in.

hurricane magnet

So I heard this morning on the radio that the New Orleans evacuees who are in the Astrodome are being evacuated out of Houston because of the new hurricane. I gotta wonder who the hell is going to take those people. Apparently one of them has pissed off Mother Nature and she's not giving up until this thing is settled.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

H. H. Kramer was one of the origional members of the little chess club we were running here in town. The guy insisted that everyone call him Kramer. He was a marginal, but capable, chess player and a very eclectic guy. Every week he'd show up with something to hand out. One week it was body building books from the 60's ...which was a little odd as the guy is in his sixties, about five foot 3 and maybe 130 lbs. He'd offer magazines, books, and occassionally some bizarre hand carved chess sets. About every month he'd take up a collection and head to New England where he knew where to score black market chess clocks. WTF, black market chess clocks ?

So after a while, someone finally asked, " Hey Kramer...what's the H.H. stand for ?" to which he replied... " Nothing...it's just Kramer." So we started trying to speculate what the heck his name was. It got bad enough that I checked the county's tax roles to find out. In the tax book, he is listed as...H. H. Kramer. " What the hell could it be ?" we wondered. The best would could come up with was Herbert Hoover, although Heil Hitler had been considered a front runner for a while.

Finally someone came up with the idea of calling his house. We'd call until we got his wife then ask her, " Hello Mrs. Kramer, is your husband home ?" Luckily she answered on the first try...." Hello Mrs. Kramer, is your husband home ?", " Why yes he is" she replied, then yelled to him from across the house, " KRAMER, THE PHONE IS FOR YOU !"

7 years later, it remains a mystery.

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Mike Matasow is insane. Well, at the very least he's troubled.

He's a professional poker player best knows for having an emotional meltdown on ESPN at the 2004 World Series of Poker.

After that event he spent 6 months in jail. Someone he played poker with kept asking him if he could score coke. After being badgered over and over, he made a couple of calls and got the guy a little bit of coke to get the guy off his back. Turns out the guy was an undercover cop. The charges were bullshit, and he was told that all they wanted was the guy whole sold him the coke and that they would let him go. He refused to give up the name and got 6 months for some watered down crap.

Anyway, he got out just before this years WSOP and tore it up finishing at the final table and winning a million bucks. In the post event interview he stated that he had no respect for money, that he already owed a bunch of his winnings and the rest he'd probably blow on sports betting. He said he loved the action and it was eventually all going to end very badly. Sure enough, a month later he was online asking for other pros to front him some cash. As he had explained, he was among the best players in the world and there would always be someone to pay his entry, or at worst, mortgage his house.

Anyway, last night he was 5th overall at the Borgota Open in Atlantic City, which is amazing considering that there were hundreds of entrants. At 8:00 pm were 48 players left and they pay 45 deep. Matasow could have, literally, gotten up from the table, walked to the airport, gotten on a plane, and still made a decent payday just letting his chip lay on the table. At worst, he could have just bullied the short stacks and stayed away from the other dangerous players for a couple of hands and he was assurred of $10,000...with the winner getting over a million.

Instead, Matasow went right after the third placed player with a vengence. Finally the 3rd placed player calls him and the flop comes Ah, 4h, 4s. The other player checks, Matasow bets, and the guy raises to $75,000. This is the guy announcing, " I HAVE GOOD CARDS". Any reasonable player walks away from that scenario...Matsow called. The next card falls and it's a king of hearts. For the non poker players I'll explain that the board is threatening 3 of a kind, a full house, and a massive flush. At the very least, Matasow with his pair of Ace - Nine has to fear that the other guy has an ace with a face card. The fire bells are ringing..." GET OUT GET OUT" ....Mattasow pushed all of his $300,000 into the middle of the table. The other player had both a 4 AND the flush.

Mike Matasow is on a plane this morning, going home to Vegas.

Just like he wanted.

still here

I'll post soon. I'm working on an idea to write about. Well, that and playing as much poker as possible in preparation for Saturday. Skipping Friday to save up stamina and to focus on Saturdays event. More later...

nevermind

I pulled down this morning's post. My apologies to anyone who was subjected to my rant. Not for the content, but for the fact that I would spout on about my opinions on politics, race, and morality.

The fact is that unless you are actually going to do something about it, talking about all that shit is an illussion. Largely political and social debate is hot air, a distraction, and a false sense of empowerment and rightousness.

Plus, no one likes a bore.

In other news, I met might son's kindegarten teacher for the second time last night. The first enoucounter was very very weird. She acted is if we knew each other...and that however we knew each other was not a very good thing. Worse yet, way back in my mind I kept thinking " man this chick looks familiar" and " I have a very bad feeling about this". My wife, of course thought I was nuts. Well we both went in there last night and I walked up and intoduced myself to the teacher and then introduced my wife. What followed could not have been more awkward if I had let out a huge fart that left a spoonfull in my shorts. The three of us stood there with the teacher refusing to make eye contact and making long pauses and monosyllabic answers to our inquiries into our son's progress. This bubbly kindergarten teacher suddenly clammed up and got very anxious. I thought that maybe I was imagining things until we walked out of the room and my wife asked, " What the hell was that ?!"....then, " Did you sleep with her ?"

The whole thing is really weird and is starting to freak me out.

Ron's theory is that the woman acts like that to everyone and there's a portion of the community who went home last night with their wives asking, " did you sleep with her ?" That's plausible, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it's something more than that.

Can we start a new position of Emperor of the Supreme Court ?

Liberal or conservative, there's no way to deny the impressive show that Roberts put on yesterday. I watched a great deal of the testimony and was blown away at his powers of recollection, deduction, and articulation. He's definitely down with all the cool shit that ends with "-tion". To bad he isn't up for elecTION.

Meanwhile the committee Senator are doing their best to undermine the credibility of the democratic process. Shumer alone had 49 first person references in his opening session of 'questioning'. This article does a pretty funny job of assessing day 1.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/09/12/AR2005091200916_pf.html

I understand there needs to be a process of evaluation in place. I also understand the seriousness of the appointment and it is necessary to have a rigorous evaluation. Unfortunately, the committee ( on both sides of the aisle) is stocked with people so entrenched in their Senate seats that their constituency wouldn't vote them out of office even if they got caught fucking an underage, Islamic, dead dog. This pretty much assures a circus regardless of the nominee and who nominates him.

And what's worse, it seems the more qualified the candidate ( as in this case) then the bigger the circus. These guys know that Roberts is the right guy for the job, so the entire process has become a sideshow for self promotion, fund raising, politicking, and political leveraging. Biden, Shumer and Feinstein were especially embarrassing, but should there be a democratically appointed nominee I we could expect the same idiocy out of the republicans.

As embarrassing as the contrast in intellect, experience, composure, between the nominee and committee is, we should all be grateful that the panel isn't being conducted by the House. Those nimwits would accuse Jesus of hoarding nails and boards at the expense of Kartina victims if it meant one additional vote.

Anyway, on anther subject....here are some thoughts on fast food coffee.....
in order
1. McDonalds - great stuff. Had been billed as Arabic coffee but they pulled that off the cup once the war started which is pretty funny I suppose. Anyway it's strong, full of flavor, no bitter taste. This isn't just a utilitarian cup of joe...it's good enough to drink for pleasure.
2. Wawa - I've had it, and wasn't overly impressed but not necessarily disappointed either. Passable in a pinch. Best among convenience stores.
3. Sheetz - Too watered down. OK flavor, but basically it's the Coors Light of coffee.
4. Turkey Hill - Should coffee leave a tacky, gummy taste in your mouth ? Thumbs down, sorry.

I welcome any other reviews or suggestions.

Confirmation hearings

The purpose of the hearings is to make inquiries to and establish the worthness of the candidate.

One hour fourty-two minutes so far and no one has asked a question. The congressional folks are just speaking. I'm not sure what they're learning about the judge...but they sure like to talk about themselves.

Funny stuff.

US Poker Championships

Sept 23 and 24 I'm playing in the US Poker Champs at the Taj Mahal. So prestigous is this event that the Taj is considering vacuming the tables and adding a second waitress to the room.

I'm playing in the two cheapest events they offer, but it's still more money than I'll ever play with/for in my life and I'm shitting my pants already. What's weird is that half ( or more) of the players there will be the same guys that will play $50 and $100 hands of blackjack all night long. A $300 or $500 entry fee for those guys is a bargain. Playing poker for an hour means they've saved themselves $2000 they would have otherwise lost on craps or blackjack.

At least with a tourney there is a bit of a level playing field in that everyone starts with the same number of chips. When you're in a cash game a high roller can just raise your $15 bet to $100 and have you shitting you pants.

I played one morning ( forgive me if I've already told this story)...but I played one morning with a kid from Pittsburgh who had been up all night. He had gotten off a bus at 11pm with his only $600 in his pocket and by 10am had won $300 and consumed another $300 in free budweiser. I sat down to watch him win another $100 pot and start screaming about that hundred was going to pay for the second prostitute. Aparently the man had a plan.

So at this little $1/$2 NL game ( $3 in the pot to start) this maniac would regularly open the betting for $50. Now this level of poker is typically reserved for guys like me....poor working stiff who have about $150 with them and in the lose that they'll most likely throw up and regret ever going to AC. So when this kid bet his $50...everyone ran and he picked up the $3, over and over again.

Eventually, the kid bet into a pot and ran into an opponent who had pocket aces. Like a kid who just got caught with his porno stash, the Pittsburgh kids blushed, shrugged, and turned over Q-9 offsuit...busted. Then the flop came Q - Q - 10....the kid lucked up and won the pot busting some poor schlep in the process.

But now the gig was up. Everyone knew that the kid was making these outrageous bets with nothing at all. And out of frustration and the desire to get some money back from this maniac, everyone started playing anything. Suddenly, this dreary low stakes table was turning out $300 and $400 pots.

At the same time, the kid started catching cards !!!

All of a sudden I look to my left and he had accumulated over $1000 in chips. I swear, if I didn't know better I'd think he set the whole thing up.

Well it wasn't long before the sharks caught wind of what was going on, and soon I saw guys getting up from the high stakes table and coming over to where we were. Once a couple of seats openend up and the big dogs sat down, the gambling really started.

I sat quietly the whole time, patiently waiting for something to come my way. In the meantime, the Pittsburgh kids became my best friend. When the waitress refused to bring him drinks two at a time, I ordered one for myself and gave it to him....a few different times....and now I was his new best friend and confidant. " You want a hoooker too buddy ?" he asked on a number of occassions " I'll take care of you".

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity I looked down to see a pair of 9s. I bet out $15 and the kid looked at me and said..." how much do you have ?" ....I looked down at my measely stack and said " on hundred and sixty-six dollars total" and the kid said " I raise to $166".

DAMN !

Then, the Brooklyn Shark, who had been gunning for the kid piped up " hey bigmouth...how much do YOU have ?" The smile ran off the kids face and he looked down at his pile which the shark had already knocked down from $1000 to about $500... " $538" said the kid. The shark bet out, " I raise to $538 !". The table got quiet as the cards folded around to me again.

My choices at this point were to fold and lose my $15. Or I could call and potentially tripple up my money. If I called and lost, I would have lost all my money and would have to go home broke. My mind raced as I sat there contemplating my cards with my heart pounding and perspiration quickly beading on my forehead.

My thoughts were interrupted " Ahhhh, you gotta call !" my new found friend slurred " come on, this is why you're here....this is FUN!" I tried to ignore him and focus on what my odds might be, what cards the shark had been playing, how I was going to explain to my wife that I lost all my money and had to come home early.

" COME ON DUDE , CALL !" he rattled in my ear, then continued, " OK buddy, If you have a pair, you're beating me...seriously...I have AK and I'm going all in with it...I don't think that fat bastard has anything and if Im wrong, I at least want you to get some of the money so he doesn't get it all....if you have a pair you should call.."

I looked at him intently. I believed him.

" Here, I'll show you !" He yelled.

NONONONO, everyone at the table screamed. Showing me his hand would kill his hand and nobody wanted that. You're really not supposed to talk about you hand at the table and if the dealer wanted to be a prick he could have ended things right there.

" OK, I call" I said...my voice cracking slightly. I was beyond rational thought.

Sure enough the Pittsbugh kid called all-in and flipped over AK. The fat man shook his head and laughed ...AK too.

This was great for me. They each held one of the other's outs making me the favorite in the hand. The flop came with a 9 making me the immediate winner ! My scream could be heard over on the other side of the baccarat tables. $498 ! I collected my winnings and walked away.

After cashing out I went back to watch. The Pittsburgh kid, who at one point had his $600 plus $1000 in winnings ( that's 3 bottles of tequilla, 2 hookers, and a nice room with a view for those keeping tabs) was sitting there win about $60 in chips....two hands later he was out. With a sigh and barely mumbling a few words, he stood up, wobbled, and stumbled out the door into the mid-day sun.

It AC, it was just another day.

can we have a moratorium...actually ?

Actually, actually, actually, actually.......enough with the actually !

" you know" was replaced by " like" which has been replaced by "actually"

Whatever happened to a good old fashion "ummm" or even a good facial tic ?

Lance Armstrong announced that he might come back and race the 2006 Tour De France just to piss the French off. This guy is starting to win me over. Can you imagine if he does it. He'd have to get all the team's jerseys printed up with a giant middle finger on the back.

How'd you like to be Mike Meyers over the weekend ? Serve that fucker right for putting out that Cat in the Hat piece of crap. That movie cost me 3 hour of my life. 2 hours suffering through it and 1 hour explaining to my kids how the Cat really isn't a Long Island yenta.

Actually.

email from N.O.

I received the message below from a friend who lives in suburban New Orleans. I think he provides an interesting first hand perspective.


Claudine and I have arrived safely in Houston, TX; Wednesday Aug 31. Early 3 AM Sunday morning Claudine drove from Slidell, LA to Vicksburg, MS area where her and her friends from the refinery evacuated. I remained in Houston, TX , recently I accepted a position with a new family Wing Aviation, www.WingAviation.com. On Saturday I remained in Houston but found it difficult to sleep with the storm approaching. When morning came I continued my worrying, Claudine and I were on the phones constantly. My day consisted of purchasing gas cans, tarps, a generator, water, and food. I also reserved a Uhaul Truck. After the storm passed it lost some energy then approached the area where Claudine had evacuated. When we last spoke she was going to call back with an update on the refinery's condition. That call never came. Late in the evening Claudine had acquired a satellite phone. We were able to have a brief conversation. We decided she would stay in position and I would start moving toward her. But if she heard that Slidell was in good shape we would meet there. I on the other hand had prepared my airport car to drive into Slidell, LA. The News had no reports on Slidell's condition. My Subaru was packed with a generator 35 Gal additional gas, water & food for 2 weeks, numerous lights, and a computer with GPS. My plan was to enter the town under darkness so I could pass the police line. At 2 AM Monday I completed my last fueling just outside Baton Rouge and filled the additional fuel cans. I 10 was closed into New Orleans and I 12 was open to Slidell, LA. I passed many emergency vehicles in Baton Rouge waiting to enter the area. The FM talk radio stations had a lot of great information. Local calling was possible in some areas and people called in with a lot of information which painted a clear picture of the New Orleans area. There was no information on Slidell. Cell Phone coverage stopped around Walker, LA soon after Baton Rouge. Approaching the Covington area which is on the North shore directly across the lake from New Orleans, I noticed a lot of fallen trees along the highway. Only one lane of travel was passable in each direction. Passing each exit ramp the State Police refused all persons entry to the towns. As I entered the Slidell area that was the case too. I went north on I 59 toward Hattiesburg, MS and exited at Military Trail Road. This route was through a backwoods area along the swamp. There was good reason I was able to exit, the road appeared un passable. Using a machete and some creative driving I was able to continue on the mission. If you picture a jungle and a war that was the environment. Closer to the house in less wooded areas the driving became much easier. Due to the fact that all lights were out I became disoriented and referenced my GPS for my position. Trees were blocking the road in many areas. Upon entering our area I was surprised to see most structures were standing with some damage. There were very few windows broken, which I found hard to believe. The wind had been 150 mph. Our neighborhood was flooded most trees were knocked down and houses were damaged. After driving through water I made it to our residence. I completed an inspection of the property then turned off all utilities. Our property suffered less damage than others. I quickly traded the Subaru Outback in for our Tahoe and loaded my equipment, much needed search light and a chain saw. For the remainder of the morning I tried to assist people who needed help. The Police cars and Ambulances were on their last tank of gas, the fire trucks were empty. The police said the shelters were out of food and water. They had no communication with anyone from the outside. After surveying the area and taking many photos I started my drive to meet Claudine. Every gas station was out of fuel my entire drive to Vicksburg, MS. I did not get gas until Wednesday morning. Claudine's co-workers were happy to see the pictures. It let people know what was happening. They had been without power and were anxious. Claudine’s refinery manager Albert spoke about the situation at hand. ExxonMobil is providing their employees with a terrific line of support. Albert provided our group with a very positive outlook for the future. It appears her refinery has weathered the storm well. Although their facility has not been inspected it took on very little water (2 Ft ??); compared with surrounding areas. Equipment will need repair. The surrounding area has been completely flooded, and many friend have lost houses. But not all has been lost. The focus of our group meeting was regroup our families, you all have jobs, and we will regain operations of our facility. I was impressed with the ambitions of all employees who wanted to help the company and each other. At this time Claudine has had contact with most of her group and many friends. A lot of structures have minimal damage, 20,000 trees have fallen all lights are out. There will be no power for at least a month more likely three. The waters have moved inland miles and many houses have water damage. Streets have alligators and snakes, where they are located near swamps. The bridge connecting Slidell to New Orleans has collapsed. There is a second bridge that needs to be checked. Upon my exit from Slidell, LA the Police requested an emergency call for help they were in dire straights and had no communication. On my drive through Mississippi I called 911 when my phone worked and passed their message. The following photos show the condition of our area. Many people have suffered great losses, we have not heard from all our friend yet. I'm sure they will all call when their cell phones start working. If you want to text message friends & family (phone number no dashes)@Teleflip.com. Receiving calls on a New Orleans number is difficult. Standby for more.

She said a good day ain’t got no rain

another lyrical title another day.

Here's the transcript from last night's poker game. I'm sure this makes me a bad man.

ME: Holy Shit !

A: what

ME: Holy Shit !

A: huh ? what wrong ?

ME: I didn't put a diaper on S. and she peed on the floor...and T. was carrying the laundry to the stairs and slipped and fell in it !!!!!!!!

A: Is she ok ?

ME: I don't know, I think so...ummmm, she sounds a little roughed up but she must have fallen into the puddle because she's really really pissed.

ME: pissed..ahhahah

A: What are you doing still playing poker ?

ME: I dunno, it's keeping me from laughing

Freaking spammers got me again yesterday. Now it's gotten personal. Initiating posting verification. If this doesn't work I'm going to resort to kicking people in the nuts. Preferably the people responsible.

Spammed

You may have noticed that the comment section of my last post got spammed. I changed the setting so that you have to be a registered blogger to comment.

If someone is going to sell penis extention pills on my blog, the least they could do is toss me a couple of bucks...or pills.

A- Always, B- Be, C- Closing

http://www.moviewavs.com/Movies/Glengarry_Glen_Ross.shtml

moviewaves.com a great site. You can find just about any quote in a pinch.

Here are a couple of cool things on the internet that actually work !

MoveLink.com ( www.movielink.com )- Tried this for the first time last week. My kids were jonesing for a movie and I didn't want to load them all up in the car and drive to Blockbuster at 8 o'clock at night. I set up an account in less than 5 minutes and had them watching the Muppet Movie in less than 10. The movies can be a little pricey with new releases at $4.95 and they have a limited number of titles, but the technology works very well. You have rights to the movie for 24 hours with the option of adding additional viewing days at 99 cents per day.

MusicMatch Jukebox ( www.musicmatch.com) - I previously had a very limited music collection and I was able to solve that problem in one fell swoop. I'm a subscriber of their On Demand service. $7 bucks a month gets me their full catalog of a billion songs. I have it loaded on my work computer and all my home computers and laptop. The songs cannot be downloaded to a portable device under my terms of service, but that is an option. They also allow you to purchase songs or albums ala ITunes. I give musicmatch an A+ for ease of use as well as a selection that includes every genre of music as well as comedy albums and other extras. For Elivis Costello fans...nothing available pre-1990. For Dave Matthews fans...find something new to listen to.

www.mail2web.com - Best part of this one...it's FREE ! This allows you to access your POP mail with a web browser. This can be a real asset if your someone without your computer or laptop and need to check something besides your yahoo acct. The company also has a simple to use news reader at www.news2web.com

I didn't even have to use my AK

2 pts if you get the reference without having to google it.

Anyway, what a great weekend. It's getting tougher and tougher to be a cynic anymore. Middle America is catching on to the the whole Bush scam, reality TV has petered out, and then you have a weekend like I just had. From friday until today I...

(Let's start with the best)... saw little kids playing musical chairs. Attended a little kids pool party AND a very cool, old school birthday party. Without getting ridiculously sentimental let me just say that watching a dozen kids squeel with glee for two hours might be the solution...to everything.

...Played a fun game a volleyball that saw bodies and balls flying and miraculously not one beer spilled.

... went fishing twice. One of the times included paddling a canoe around an island in the Susquehanna.

... Played in a golf outing on a really terrible team that somehow shot a 74.

... Was drunk sober and drunk again with only the smallest hint of a hangover.

... spent 50% of the time in my pajamas.

Somehow my life is turning into summer camp.

Anyone need a potholder or ashtray ?

Golfing Tips

I played in a golf outing yesterday. Outing are usually pretty interesting in that they often combine excellent golfers with guys who play once a year. This brings together a broad variety of talent, etiquette, and personalities. That mix can either be the source of angst or the source of great entertainment depending on how you approach the game. To those ends I offer up some advice for the Scramble/Outing golfer.

* Don't cheat. Seems simple enough, but I've seen people cheat at these things. You're not going to endear yourself to your playing partners or the general public if you cheat at a cancer benefit in order to win a t-shirt or a sleeve of balls. The only thing lower than cheating at golf is cheating at charity golf.

* Have fun. Most people suck at golf, it's just a matter of degrees. Don't be embarrassed by your play. Try your best, but if you hit the ball and it goes 200 yards straight up and 30 yards out, laugh...it is funny. Tossing you clubs or swearing just makes you look like an ass.

* On the strategy end of things, always have the rotation go from worst to best golfer. Even if you're not the best player you can be a tremendous asset to the better players by either showing them the line on a putt or by hitting a fairly good shot that allows them the freedom to attempt a risky shot. Talk to your partners about how you're approaching the hole. Part of the fun of a scramble is that it's a team event and cooperative play helps everyone contribute and adds to the fun of the day.

* For the inexperienced golfer....straight is 10x more important than far. Women make better beginner golfers than men. Women are concerned with keeping things between the lines, while men concern themselves with hitting the ball as hard as they can. 300 yards is impressive...but 300 yards into the woods is useless. You'll enjoy the game more by taking a half or 3/4th swing, making solid contact, and keeping the ball in play. As you gain confidence, you can add to the power. And your playing partners will not think you're a pussy, they'll appreciate having a ball in decent position that allows them to play with less pressure to perform.

* Forget trying to fix anything about your swing while your playing. Just swing. If your set-up is right, then just swing with a good tempo and let it go where it will. The ONLY thing that I would suggest people make a conscious effort to work on while they play is their BALANCE. At address weight should be slightly on your toes. At the finish of the swing you should be balanced with most weight on your front foot. If you've finished with the weight forward and are able to hold a balanced position and aren't stumbling all over the tee box, you'll hit the ball well 8 or 10 times.

* The #1 error that beginning players make around the greens is the check swing. From 50 yards in, the follow through is MORE important than any other part of the swing. My best advice for the new golfer is this....never bend your front elbow. Treat everything inside of 50 yards as a giant putt. make a short, smooth backswing and a long steady follow through. Sweep the grass, do not try to pick the ball or scoop the ball. The long putt strategy works every time.

* Learn some basic etiquette. The most notable errors are...don't drive the cart on or around the greens, don't walk in the line of the putt, don't talk when people are hitting, and DO NOT tee the ball up AHEAD of the tee markers.

* Oh yeah....while you might think that you are being clever, there are a handful of things that you shouldn't say because they make you seem like a super-duper asshole. For some reason, that doesn't stop at least one person from doing this every time I play
- Don't say " does your husband play" or " nice hit Sally" or any derivation of that when someone hits a putt short. The guy putting wasn't trying to hit it short ! Not only are you insulting his effort, but your challenging his manhood. Don't be a dick
- If someone hits the ball short of the ladies tee, don't bring up the thing about them having to play the hole with their dick out of their pants. It's stupid. As with the above, it's insulting. Additionally, it stopped being funny 100,000 times ago.
- Caddyshack, while among the greatest movies of all time, is also the most misquoted movie of all time. It's also the most overquoted movie of all time. If you're going to use a caddyshack quote, choose something that doesn't use the words " lumberyard" , " Cinderella", or " bejesus"
- Please don't be patronizing to players. Encouragement works great...but people are neither blind or stupid. No one is more aware of how bad they are than the golfer himself....no need to try and bullshit him.

Lastly, recognize the fact that the point of the outing and the scramble is to socialize and have fun. The golf is secondary. Use the day as an opportunity to have fun with your playing partners. If you can't have fun on the golf course, especially on a weekday afternoon, then you probably have issues bigger than your golf game.

NOT about genitalia

For years I worked at a municipal golf course. Those places go a long way to explaining how Brian Doyle Murray came up with the idea of Caddyshack. In any given season so many odd things happen that you just start to assume that the bizarre is commonplace.

A couple that come immediately to mind.

* Public course are renowned for bad play and slow play. Occasionally you get a guy who thinks that his $10 greens fees entitles him to the same pace and quality of play that he sees on TV or at the local country club. These guys bitch and moan and complain and generally being down the level of fun for the rest of the guys out there in t-shirts, cut off jeans, and a cooler of beer. Every once in a while those worlds collide. After having words on a couple of tee boxes a frustrated tiger-wannabe became insistent that the drunken construction worker let him play through. The construction worker, for the third time told him NO and that if persisted in hassling his group that an ass whooping might be in his future. Tiger Jr. being and asshole...and at this point an outsized asshole picked up a golf club and raised it in a threatening manner. The construction worked laughed...walked over to his bag...pulled out a handgun and said " you wanna play through now motherfucker ?"

* A fellow employee had a reputation for being a bit lazy and perhaps smoking a little weed on company time. He would often get in the utility cart and drive around pretending to do work avoiding having to interact with any of the golfers. One afternoon an elderly man was escorted off the course, with the help of his playing partners, covered in blood. The golfer had fallen on a bridge and smashed his face. To further upset the group they said " Benny was laying there all bloody and knocked out and your worker drove right past him without stopping to help. We tried to flag him down and he just made a gesture and drove off" After dealing with the situation I went and found Joe back in the garage. "What the hell happened out there ?' I asked. " I dunno, I saw the dude laying face first on the bridge, but his arm was in the water....I just assumed he was fishing around for a lost ball. And I thought the other dudes were waving hello. "

Neat

Coincidences are neat. I just had this conversation with a friend and then came across this cartoon.

http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=604

I had a tendency to agree with the orange T-Rex until I used uttered the phrase:

" I yanked my briefs up to my nipples to control the swelling in my ballsack while I played Settlers of Cantan"

And I realized that I was the first person in the history of mankind to use those words in that combination. It made me think that perhaps I was wrong and that anything is possible.... that 100,000 monkey at typewriters or whatever the fuck it is actually could write whatever it is there suppose to write.

Point is...I think that maybe the proof of the eternal nature of the universe might actually be found in the plumbing of my left nut.

HOLY SHIT, I JUST DID IT AGAIN !

Diagnosis

" What it looks like Bill, is that you have a vericose vein in your testicle"

" A WHAT !?!~"

" A vericose vein...like you get in your leg"

" In my nutsack ?"

" Well, aaaaa, in your left testicle...yes"

" So what does that mean ?"

" It means that a valve in the vein fails and under pressure you have blood pooling can that's causing swelling"

" I have backflow in my ballsack ?"

" well.....aaaaa....an interesting choice of words but for our purposes I suppose that's accurrate enough."

" JESUS ! Can't you do something about it ? They fix those things in people's legs"

" You'd like me to strip a vein in your scrotum ?"

" um....not if you put it that way...but will it help ?"

"no"

" Well what they hell can I do Doc. This thing hurts. It's like having a toothache in my dingle sack"

" Take some ibuprofin and keep the testicles secure for a week or two and the swelling should go down. You can't cure the problem, but once the swelling goes down the discomfort should leave as well. This may flair up from time to time, but in general you should be fine."

" OK...what exactly do you mean 'keep the testicles secure' ?"

" You should wear an athletic supporter for the next couple of weeks"

" A jockstrap ?! You want me to wear a jockstrap for the next couple of weeks ?"

" yes"

" No way. No f-ing way. Go ahead and cut my nuts of Doc, that will be fine."

" Huh ?"

" I'm not wearing a jockstrap. I didn't wear a jockstrap when I played basketball so I sure as hell am not wearing one now. How you ever had one of those things on ? I'm pretty sure that if I wear a jockstrap 24 hours a day for the next two weeks that it will finally push me over the edge and I'll start hanging around the bus station bathroom and listening to Simply Red CDs"

" I'm not sure I understand what...."

" Don't worry about it....all I'm saying is that I have no interest in programming in Will and Grace on my TIVO...is there anything else I can do...what about briefs instead of boxers. What if I buy some brief that are a little small for me or something like that ?"

" aaaaa, I suppose if you are adverse to the athletic supporter that might be a reasonable alternative"

" GREAT ! Thanks doc"

So while my co-workers that I'm sitting here (comfortably) working furiously, what they fail to realize is that I'm actually very uncomfortably sitting here blogging away with my nutsack filled with back flow and my underpants hiked up around my nipples.

Things are not always what they seem.